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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-10-2012, 07:14 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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Originally Posted by gear1903 View Post
chapparal, she said she wasn't feeling attractive any more b/c i wasn't giving it to her (i wasn't as physically attracted to her for a period of time, and i now realize i could have done more to help her out, like go to the gym and exercise w/ her). so she had those PAs just to confirm she was physically desired, which apparently she was. random, no last name, no contact afterwards-type deals.

regarding this EA, i don't have evidence to prove one way or the other whether it has gone PA, but i just feel like she hasn't pulled any punches recently so why would she hide the fact that the EA went PA? it's not like she's been trying to not hurt my feelings any more. in fact, at one point, she told me she revealed the PAs so it would trigger me into getting so angry that i'd file for D. it didn't, but if that was her intention, why not just say the EA went PA as well?

and no, we don't have any kids, so our decisions will only be based on what we feel.

we are still living under the same roof but are like complete strangers now. we barely acknowledge each other, sleep as far apart on the same bed as possible, and we are both playing it extremely cool/indifferent, as if testing who will blink first (though i don't think she actually is testing me at all...i think she's really checked out).

we plan to talk about how to deal w/ our house and some of the logistical stuff for D. advice? just play it cool and go along w/ everything, while continuing to go out and live my life, hang w/ my friends, and not check in on a regular basis? i feel like such a bad person just ignoring my relationship, but is that really what it takes?? no one said the 180 was going to be easy...
Here is the thing gear. When you do the 180 you have to be positive. Smile a lot. Act like your life is great. Its just a life without her. Go out and don't tell her where you're going. Get dressed up. Look sharp. Get a haircut, new clothes. Smile when you leave and smile even more when you come home. She needs to see you are moving on and can live without her just fine and that your life is and will be fantastic. Don't be surprised if she starts asking you about what you are doing. Don't be surprised if she starts to engage with you more. Read these statements and memorize it well.

Women want men that do not need them.

Women want men that are better than they are.

Women want men they cannot have.

Women want men that have options.

Women want men that are confident, secure and live their lives on their terms.

You do that and see what happens. If she comes back to you and you decide to give it another shot, fine. But if she has permanently checked out you will be in a much better position to move on.

Remember you are the prize...not her!
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:24 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

great advice beowulf, thanks.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:09 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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Chapparal, from OPs post.
The reason I asked is people are constantly getting the 180 wrong. There is no ignore in the 180. The point is not to act pi$$ed off and rude. The point is to take back control of one's life and become a stronger better person.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:21 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.

what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:31 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.

what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.
The 180 isn't about your relationship with your wife its about you. It can also be modified to fit your needs. Doing the 180 wrong will hurt your relationship. Doing it right can save a reltionship though that is not its goal but a side effect. Ifyou are doing it right it will make you strong and atractvie to women, including your wife.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:34 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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Originally Posted by gear1903 View Post
chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.

what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.
Is your wife desperate? Is she in a time of need in her mind?

Cantsitstill essentially walked out/ was thrown out of her house. She hit rock bottom and almost had a nervous breakdown. That's when calvin came and helped her. Before that he also tried to convince her to give up the OM. She wouldn't listen. They won't as long as they are in the affair. You can't turn her away from him. You can't turn her toward you. You can only control what you do. She has to decide to turn away from him and toward you. If she does maybe then you can reason with her. If she doesn't then she is already gone and nothing you can do will bring her back.
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Old 04-10-2012, 10:12 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Thanks for the feedback. If she is not willing to give up contact with the OM to try and salvage our marriage, why am I putting any more effort in... I think it's because I'm trying to atone for being a neglectful husband in the past
No, it's because you don't want to lose her and start your life all over again, it has nothing to do with a sudden need for "atonement".
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Old 04-11-2012, 02:21 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.
It seems you are seeing in these examples what you want to see. Nearly in every one of them (mine included), WS came to senses after their BS let them go and checked out.
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:55 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support so far. i have a little update.

so my WS revealed a couple things yesterday:

first, she's starting to have doubts about the OM. she feels like she can't trust anyone right now (that includes me and the OM), and she seems to be wavering ever so slightly about her EA. could be she is just starting to peer through the fog.

second, she's decided to move to a different office within her company (as in, a branch office in a different country) for a month. this is so she can disconnect somewhat from both me and the OM and figure out who she is as an individual.

as some of you following this know, i had told her that as long as she wasn't giving up the OM, she could expect D papers, and i have begun the steps to getting that filed. now as she is wavering in her EA and becoming willing to distance herself from connection with the OM (albeit with me as well), and given that we will have this month-long break, do i still proceed with my D filing now or just leave her alone and discuss D when she gets back to see if anything has changed?

she has lost trust in everyone and feels alone. i have lost some measure of trust in her as well because of the EA. still, she was my friend for over 10 years, and i hate to see someone i care about suffer. during this time of need, i almost feel like i'm choosing between two extremes: kicking her while she's down (by going forward with the D), or being the knight to rescue her. i don't know what is better for salvaging things...
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:59 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

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Originally Posted by gear1903 View Post
hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support so far. i have a little update.

so my WS revealed a couple things yesterday:

first, she's starting to have doubts about the OM. she feels like she can't trust anyone right now (that includes me and the OM), and she seems to be wavering ever so slightly about her EA. could be she is just starting to peer through the fog. Her lover wasn't as good as she expected.

second, she's decided to move to a different office within her company (as in, a branch office in a different country) for a month. this is so she can disconnect somewhat from both me and the OM and figure out who she is as an individual. She needs to change location to find more men.

as some of you following this know, i had told her that as long as she wasn't giving up the OM, she could expect D papers, and i have begun the steps to getting that filed. now as she is wavering in her EA and becoming willing to distance herself from connection with the OM (albeit with me as well), and given that we will have this month-long break, do i still proceed with my D filing now or just leave her alone and discuss D when she gets back to see if anything has changed? Yes, dont wait another second.

she has lost trust in everyone and feels alone. i have lost some measure of trust in her as well because of the EA. still, she was my friend for over 10 years, and i hate to see someone i care about suffer. during this time of need, i almost feel like i'm choosing between two extremes: kicking her while she's down (by going forward with the D), or being the knight to rescue her. i don't know what is better for salvaging things...
Did she feel bad about when she cheated? No. Stop worrying about her feelings and think about yourself.
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:08 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

She may be starting to see things more clearly now that she is afraid of actually losing something (you). This is not a time to backslide. This is a time to be as consistent as you can. This is critical. If you don't stay the course you could undo everything.

Her changing branches to get away from you and the OM is a test to see if you will chase her. If you do you are sunk. Let her go if that is what she wants. Act like it doesn't bother you in the least. Remember if you chase them they will run. If you stand your ground they will start to respect you.

You proceed with the divorce. This is to put her "on the clock." The only way you stop the divorce is when and if she turns her attention back toward the marriage and starts to show remorse. If you cave in you negate all the good you have done till now.

She was your friend for 10 years but she chose to cheat on you. She is still not actively engaged in your marriage. She and you are going to suffer regardless. If you try to help her in any way you will just drive her further away from you. You need to wait until she comes to you. Don't be her emotional tampon.

Last edited by Beowulf; 04-12-2012 at 05:13 PM.
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:26 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Continue on with the D..... for you.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:09 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Continue on with the D..... for you.
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:10 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

Continue the D

Until she takes the step to confirm NC you will have to assume she is still contcating OM so there for the D continues.

The choice she is making is not helping the marriage and for some it just looks like your wife wants more time with OM and is just giving you a line so she doesn't hurt your feelings.

If she wants the D to stop then she can make the choice to be with you with continued validation to her commitment to you.


Right now she want to be with her self let her be by her self....

Right now you know she doesn't want to be with you, thats the bottom line, so move forward with the D.
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:30 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Yep. Assume at this stage in the game that every word that proceedeth forth from her piehole is a lie.
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