Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...

gear1903 · 04-04-2012, 07:30 PM

After reading this forum for several weeks now, I've decided to post something because I've seen some great advice and support...and if nothing else, it's nice to vent and empathize with others that have been or are in the same situation.

I realize my situation is not that unique now. My wife and I were college sweethearts, been together for 13 years, married for 8, no kids. In the past couple years, I admit that I had started to take her for granted, and that I had been neglectful of many of her needs, though we always were comfortable, content, and great friends. She did voice her displeasure at times, but never to the point that I thought our marriage was in jeopardy.

It turns out she was internalizing a lot of it, so it hit me like a ton of bricks when about a month ago, she told me she was truly unhappy, she had checked out of our relationship, and felt it was over. The classic ILYBINILWY. I didn't really have the immediate reaction of begging/pleading that she may have expected (I was kind of cold and emotionless), and that confirmed to her that I was not really in love with her any more. To be honest, it was more just shock that resulted in my lack of emotion rather than an actual absence of emotion. We lived in different places the next week, and during that week, I was absolutely torn apart. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I did alot of things that the 180 suggests not to do (calling her, promising I would change, etc.).

A week later, the other shoe dropped when she told me she had fallen for a coworker, and that this had actually happened several months before. She told me this wasn't about him, that even if he wasn't there, she would have prompted the end-of-marriage talk, etc. But she also said she felt he was her soulmate, that he just "got" her, that she emotionally connected with him in a way she couldn't imagine with me any more, and that he was spontaneous and romantic. She claims it is only an EA, not a PA yet. She has since admitted to two instances of PA in the past (pure emotionless sex), so I'm inclined to believe her about the EA, since she doesn't seem to be pulling any punches right now. Anyway, I did the usual begging and pleading and promising, which she just wasn't buying, given the 13-yr track record she had of me. How could she believe I would change now? Why would it take the threat of divorce to make me change? (to which I answered, because it is the threat of divorce!) Still, she didn't seem to be able to make the final leap one way or the other (give up the OM or file divorce papers).

In the past 2 weeks since then, we've been in the hell of uncertainty. We sometimes live together, sometimes don't. We have great sex, then avoid having physical contact. We have more open, freeing conversations than we've ever had, then have those awkward silences. We're trying to do fun things together that we always said we would do (salsa lessons, couples cooking lessons). This has just ended up making us more confused. Our interaction vacillates between things seeming to really click with us and things being on the brink of filing divorce papers. She runs hot and cold, goes from being emotionless to sobbing that she feels so horrible and that she doesn't want a divorce. I am hanging on to any thread of hope and want to work this out at all costs, but she seems to switch from wanting to give me a chance to feeling in her mind that she needs to give herself a chance with the OM.

Not being able to take this state of limbo any more, I asked for a trial period of several months to show (not just say) that I can change and make her fall back in love. I asked her to go NC with the OM during the period of time to concentrate on sorting out our issues first without outside influence. One part of her seemed to be open to it, but another part said it's not fair to the OM to make him wait that long! That made me furious, but I kept my emotions in check... Anyway, she's mulling it over now and we're finally going to our first MC session next Monday where I hope we can get some clarity regarding where we are.

Any advice I could get regarding whether I should see this through or whether it's a hopeless scenario would be really appreciated. Part of me feels like a sucker for letting her be a cake-eater for so long, but I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life and my love for her is unconditional. I still want to give every chance for this to work. Thanks in advance for advice and/or a splash of cold water...

TDSC60 · 04-04-2012, 08:29 PM

There is no chance of recovering your marriage while she is with the OM (not fair to make him wait - WTF).

Accept that she never was the wife you thought you had. Were the two PAs with the current OM or have there been others?

I just do not see much hope here. She checked out long ago, she just did not tell you.

Divorce and move on. You can do better.

chapparal · 04-04-2012, 08:55 PM

What do you really know about her other PAs? Why did she tell you about them?

What do you know about her current affair partner? Is he married or have a girlfriend?

Have you been investigating her phone, texts,facebook etc.?

From what you have been reading here, you should probably be aware you can believe nothing that she says.

happyman64 · 04-04-2012, 09:11 PM

Gear,

You are setting yourself up for failure. Being a doormat does not get your wife back. It just tells her to leave you.

Your wife is in the fog. There is no going to MC while she has the OM. She will not get feelings back for you because she has the OM.

You might have been a crappy husband but you did not cheat. She owns that.

Instead of being in limbo for 2 weeks you should have gone to an attorney. Get divorce papers. Hand them to her and say "There cannot be 3 in our marriage, make a decision now".

She will know your serious and you can finally stand up for yourself.

Take control of your life my man. She is out of control and making very poor decisions about your marriage without you having a say in it.

Good Luck and take your life back for you!

HM64

gear1903 · 04-04-2012, 09:18 PM

PAs were with two different people, neither being the current OM. I believe her when she says those were simply physical, nothing more. She doesn't want to get into PA with current OM because she actually cares about him. OM broke up with his GF half a year ago and is single, so no drama on his side. I don't think she is trying to hide anything at this point. She is being very upfront even if she knows it is going to hurt. I mean, she is telling me straight up that she can't go NC. She is also upfront saying part of her wants to try and work it out but she can't commit wholly because of what she feels for OM. Is this case closed?
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gear1903 · 04-04-2012, 09:20 PM

Thanks HM64. I am getting to that point now...
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Shaggy · 04-04-2012, 09:50 PM

She can go NC, she chooses not to. That is the same as choosing him over the arrange.

Look she's nt that much of catch frankly, she has cheated on you in the past and now this. Let the OM have her and you can upgrade to someone who will actually value enough not to cheat. This one has proven she isn't worth any effort on your part.

If she had any respect for you, or any interest in the marriage the OM would be gone.

As fir making him wait, yeah it's called saving the freaking marriage. You should be her priority not some POS OM.
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bandit.45 · 04-04-2012, 10:24 PM

Dump her. She's trash.

keko · 04-04-2012, 10:27 PM

Why is this even a question? She had multiple affairs, shows no remorse, no respect for you nor the marriage.

jnj express · 04-04-2012, 10:28 PM

So she has cheated on you with 3 lovers---unemotional or not---she spread her legs for the others, and in doing so---put you on the back burner., you were nothing to her---for one in love, with their H., does not have sex with others, unemotional or not.

What were the causes of her having the other 2 sexcapades.

Right now she is calling the shots----she is deciding whether to D., or stay together

Tell me what are you deciding??????

If you get back together, given the past history, of this mge., and the past history of your wife---SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN,AND SHE WILL DO IT ANY TIME SHE WANTS----Cheating in this mge., does not bother her one iota

She, at this point is more worried about how her present lover will feel, than how you will feel

You cannot control, nor make any decisions for your wife-----this mge., very well may be over------but whether you wanna R., or D.---YOU MUST TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, and live/make decisions, independently of your wife

You have a long future ahead of you, and you need to think hard about what that future will be like

You can continue on, as you are with a wife, who has you 2nd to her present lover, and who thinks nothing of having sex with other men----or you can end this, what is right now a farce of a mge---and move on into the world---and hopefully find a woman, who you can have a good, positive, strong, relationship with.

DietColaGirl · 04-04-2012, 10:28 PM

I don't think YOU can make someone fall back in love with you. If it happens, it's because of some revelation THEY'VE made about themself. That might involve a "time out" from one another.... but as others have pointed out, she may not be open to change/sorting things out as long as she is with this other man.

Complexity · 04-04-2012, 10:44 PM

You're insane to even think of taking her back.

Don't waste your life with someone that has such little regard for you. How many men does she have to plough through before it hits you that this woman does not love you nor has she ever.

happyman64 · 04-04-2012, 10:51 PM

Gear,
Yes. End it. You deserve better. Your wife is a coward and a cake eater. Serve her D papers.

As bad as you describe yourself I think you have been desensitized by her past affairs.

Dump her. In a little while you will feel better.

HM64
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bryanp · 04-04-2012, 11:51 PM

So during your marriage your wife has admitted to physical affairs with two different men but hey it was only sex.....What is wrong with this picture? Now she tells you she has fallen in love with another man. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She had no problem having sex with other men and putting your health at risk for STD's. Look she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you feel special and proud that she is your wife since she has played you for such a fool in the past and the present but hey it was only sex (sic). By the way if the roles were reversed I doubt she would have been so accepting as you have been and begging you for recovery.

I think she is lying about this present guy and she most likely has had sex. You are in denial. I would strongly suggest
1. get tested for std's
2. See an attorney.

gear1903 · 04-05-2012, 01:14 AM

Thanks for the feedback. If she is not willing to give up contact with the OM to try and salvage our marriage, why am I putting any more effort in... I think it's because I'm trying to atone for being a neglectful husband in the past, but if she's not even going to let me have a chance to prove I can change, I think I'm done.

Filing for divorce will either give her a wakeup call forcing her to go NC, or lead to actual divorce. Either way, at least the purgatory of limbo will be over.

God, this sucks. I can't believe someone I thought I knew for so long could change like this...