I am concerned my wife may have cheated
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-06-2012, 08:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Hi Everyone, I really need some advice. I am very concerned that my wife may have cheated on me in some way last weekend but I am not sure. She went out with a group of friends for a moms night out in the city to see a band at a bar. This was an overnight and they had 3 hotel rooms. I thought everything was fine when she got home but then I started to get suspicious when she suddenly said she was bleeding like she had her period. My wife has not had her period in almost 4 years since having our last child. Then the following day I see pictures of her at the bar on Facebook looking very flirty with whoever was taking the pictures for the band. I got suspicious and found out via her e-mail that she did not return to her room until the early morning. One of her friends was joking with her on a private Facebook group for her Moms group about it. My wife replied back saying nothing happened we had French fries at a dinner they stayed in the lobby before she started to throw up. I donít think my wife would admit to doing anything on a site with 20 women so she could be lying there! I checked my wifeís phone this morning and noticed her friend was calling her at 5:30AM that morning so they must have been worried too. What I am nervous about is that she claims this period started at 2:30AM to me so why would she be out to 5:30 with it un prepared since itís been so long since she had it. As you can imagine my mind was running wild as to how it started! In addition I was talking to my wife on Tuesday and one of her friends texted her while I was next to her asking if she had a private e-mail. I donít know how to confront her on this since I lost her trust a few months ago because I saw something else suspicious on her phone and confronted her. That turned out to be nothing. Very conflicted and I donít know what to do!
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

We are also in marrige counciling and we have a session today. Not sure if I should bring this up. I really think if I am wrong about this I could destroy our marriage but I am very scared I am right.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Do not confront---you will lose all credibility, when you do have something, really solid, then you can plan on how to confront, and go from there.

Quietly go about investigating---use the various electronic spy instruments available, and just keep a close eye on her

Watch for any changes in lifestyle, differences in dress, make-up,wieght/body improvement---changes in comings, and goings

Just think of ways to keep tabs on what she does---

Are you really good friends with any of her girlfriends, that would talk seriously with you

If it was a ONS, with just some guy she picked up---then there will be no follow-up on her part---so that will be a dead end

Is your mge., having any problems, that would cause her to seek outside sex-----be honest about your answer---don't try to make like there is nothing wrong---if there are problems---the people here on this website can help you---they have a lot of expertise in these areas---but they do need info, before they can give advice.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

GNOs (Girls Nights Out) are death to a marriage.

You need to work on uncovering more evidence before you mak any accusations.

1) Install a keylogger on her computer to see what she's typing, and if you can snoop through her e-mails and Facebook page to see what you can find. Oftentimes cheaters have secret Facebook and e-mail accounts set up. My wife did, that's how I caught her.

2) Figure out how to download the cell texts onto your computer from her phone if you can.

3) Go to Wal-Mart and buy a VAR (voice activated recorder - $40-$50) and velcro it underneath the front seat of her car to catch her phone conversations while she's driving.

4) If you have the cash, also buy a GPS to hide in her car to track her movements.

These are just some of the things you can do to gather evidence. Do not confront her until you have collected a substantially damaging array of evidence that points to infidelity.

Her girlfriends will circle the wagons to protect her and they will tell you nothing. A married woman who goes to a concert and stays out until the we morning hours with no legitimate excuse is, in my opinion, up to no good.

And the blood thing. Holy crap!

You must be going through hell. So sorrry friend.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Wow, at a minimum your wife is making horrible dangerous choices. She let her friends leave her alone on her own at the bar to fend fir herself? Or worse with some guy. Even if she didn't cheat, doing that with some guy alone is what singe girls do, not married women.

You shoud drop a keylogger onto the PC today to catch any secret accounts. Is her phone locked?

At a minimum, her actions say no more moms party trips.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Wives out all night having hotels to come back to drinking heavily hanging out with men can challenge a marriage in more ways than one. Some folks on here feel this is just a bit of fun and maybe it is for them.

In your case who knows. But even if she did nothing with another man you now have to deal with the unknowns. I hope she did not have sex with another guy. Maybe she did meet a guy and they talked. Maybe she made out with someone. Maybe she just disrespected herself and got stinking drunk and was face down somewhere for a while.

I don't know your background but you have MC coming up. Why?

How long have you been married? Is this type of GNO something regular? Has there been infidelity in the marriage?
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Two things I need help with to understand things better here.

1) why are you in MC to begin with?

2) someone help me out, why is the blood a smoking gun? She hasn't had her period in 4 years, but presumably she's been having sex with her H during that time, right? So why would having sex with a different person cause bleeding all of a sudden? Don't get why that's related, but maybe I'm just not thinking of it.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

She may not be having her period at all, she may be trying to put him off and cover up something down there. Perhaps she's worried she got an std and is waiting for test results.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Tough call. I don't know what the appropriate solution is, but whatever you do don't let her know what your sources of info are.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

JNJ - My wife has been on a health kick for a while just losing some weight etc. She actually gained a bit back latley. This week she has been to the gym 3 times but I don't think its cause for concern. I am not really good friends with any of her friends. We have been in MC for about 3 months and things seemed to be improving. This was triggered by me finding out she was talking to a guy at the gym. I found this out via the same Facebook group. I caught that very early and I really do beleive her that that was nothing.

Bandit - Do VAR make any noice at all? And yes I am going through hell. I need to know the truth. I gave her open opportunity to tell me but she keeps lying about going back to the room with her friends.

Entropy - We have been married for 10 years in November and we have 3 kids. The GNO thing is regular but typically just a dinner and then home. An over night only happens maybe 2 times a year. As far as I know there has never been infidelity by either of us.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:54 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

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Originally Posted by Worriedhusband3 View Post
We are also in marrige counciling and we have a session today. Not sure if I should bring this up. I really think if I am wrong about this I could destroy our marriage but I am very scared I am right.
Where do you draw the line on what would be suspicious enough to demand and answer, without feeling like you'll get sent to the corner in punishment?

Let's see - flirting on a night out of town doen't do it. A friend wanting a secret email so they can talk further doesn't do it. Spending the entire night alone, unaccounted for doesn't do it. Bleeding, which defies her normal state doesn't do it. (Do you REALLY buy this? More likely that she had unprotected sex and doesn't want to give you a STD until she can be checked) So, you can't expect to be treated with respect if you question suspicious behaviors unless you catch her with another man between her thighs?

Nine people out of ten will say that it appears that she cheated on you. If it happened to me, heck, I'D even think I cheated. When it comes to our marriage, when the rest of us get into a situation where it appears that we had a one night stand, we feel the burden of proving our faithfulness, and would never blame our spouse for doubting us, because it is our stupidity that got us into this.

One day, you'll wonder why you were never in a marriage where your wife cared enough for you to explain her blatant disregard for your feelings. When you get older, you might even realize that part of being a man includes standing up for what you believe to be right, even if your wife makes you stand in the corner as punishment.

Personally, I'd bring it up, and if the counselor tried to shut it down, tell them that you do not need their services again. If your wife makes you out to be the bad guy, take it to be what it obviously was. If the friends with her, the ones who saw the flirting behind the pictures, feared that she was with another man at 5:30, then I think that it is okay for her husband to think the same thing, and not feel like he'll be punished by his wife for doing so.
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Gabriel - She has never bleed with me so who knows maybe this guy was big. Again just me being paranoid if she did something. Its more of the timing thing that worries me. If she was bleeding why was she out until 5:30 AM when she told me it started at 2:30 PM

Shaggy - Ironically she had a gyno appt on Monday already scheduled. She told me the DR said no sex for 2 weeks and did labs. She said the Dr. said it was a clot but who knows since I know she lied to me about something already
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Old 04-06-2012, 08:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Quote:
Bandit - Do VAR make any noice at all? And yes I am going through hell. I need to know the truth. I gave her open opportunity to tell me but she keeps lying about going back to the room with her friends.
This is the one I ordered through Amazon right after I found out my wife was having an online affair. It works well and makes no sound at all -- completely digital.

Amazon.com: Philips Digital Voice Tracer Recorder 612 (LFH0612/27): Electronics
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

Halien all great points thank you. I am just so nervous about confronting her right now. As soon as I do I know she will change all her passwords and I will never gain any more proof. I really hope I am wrong. I am just devistated right now. I can't eat, sleep or work.
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am concerned my wife may have cheated

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Originally Posted by Worriedhusband3 View Post
Halien all great points thank you. I am just so nervous about confronting her right now. As soon as I do I know she will change all her passwords and I will never gain any more proof. I really hope I am wrong. I am just devistated right now. I can't eat, sleep or work.
That's my point, my friend. You are devastated, and this isn't the first situation where she was flirting. If you get tired of being devastated, you can tell her that her half-truths will be taken to mean that she is cheating, and you will remove yourself from a marriage where trust and mutual respect are not sacred. She can promise to end the flirting, girls night out, etc, and be an honest partner going forward, even if you don't dig in any more to this incident. Your gut already knows what happened anyway.

If she is willing to dig her heels in over a situation that was so blatantly questionable, and ask for divorce, isn't this telling you what your life will be like in the next 20 years if you do nothing? MC will change nothing if girls night out, with no accountablity, regardless of the suspician, can be set in stone as a right, or flirting with no pushback from her husband without fear of being punished by her attitude.

She can show you the Dx receipt from her doctor visit, if she is required. It will list procedures done, tests ordered. If she threw it away, she can get another. The "two weeks off" without sex just conveninetly covers the time needed to get results back on STD panels.

Last edited by Halien; 04-06-2012 at 09:11 AM.
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