He AND YOU will survive those last two days. It's obvious he is going to put you first and will make this smooth sailing for you! I am happy for ya'll.
Ok. So maybe Im sensitive today? He got up when the alarm went off(no cuddling) took his shower and got dressed and left the bedroom. He went downstairs. I got up and came down too. We did the usual packing lunch etc. then I sat down w/my coffee and he put his shoes on and kinda just patted me and ......left. No hug, no nothin??? So when he got to work I remembered something he needed and called to tell him and he mumbled while talking then I said "ok, well that's all I needed" he said "see ya,bye"......WTF!!!!
So has it only taken 2 days back in the pit for him to start falling back??? He has ALWAYS put the job first and never was one to take off(I would have to sit him down w/a calendar to pick days for PTO or vacation or at the end of the yr he would still have them). Even when I had surgery, he went to work. I have always been the one to have to say "hey when are you gonna take a day off and do something with me" .
Part of his explaination for his connection with OW was their shared interest in the FVckin' job....whatever. So 2 days back to a place he is leaving and he is so focused on getting there that he doesnt even kiss me goodbye???
Maybe don't read too much into it? Is he maybe just ready to get through another day? Get to the end of this? Maybe too his pride is such that he wants too to leave his projects shinning and leave no room for people to say he slacked off in the end just because he gave his notice???
I don't know...you guys have been good at conversation so maybe tonight just let him know it made you uncomfortable and uneasy.
"It was upsetting to me today that you didn't give me a proper goodbye (and explain what that is), I need you to be proactive with that"
This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.
This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before..
This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.
This is what happens when people do this crap....the paranoia, etc. that comes over the BS is hard to take. I would have reacted the same way as you!
It amazes me that little things that a year ago I wouldn't have even given a thought to now consume me. I hate it!!!!!!
I said to H...I just want to feel normal again!! I envy couples that have never been through infidelity.
This is what happens when people do this crap....the paranoia, etc. that comes over the BS is hard to take. I would have reacted the same way as you!
It amazes me that little things that a year ago I wouldn't have even given a thought to now consume me. I hate it!!!!!!
I said to H...I just want to feel normal again!! I envy couples that have never been through infidelity.
I'm tired of it today!!! bad day/rainy here/just all BS...
BUT I knew this would be part of the package when I decided to work on R. So thank God for TAM to vent, ask for advice, and see how to cope. Best of luck to you!!!
yes. For our whole marriage there has been a ranking as follows
First 10 yrs
1) His mother
2)Me
year 11-13
1)His job
2)His mother
3)Me
Year 14-14 3/4(present)
1)Ow
2)job
3)Mother
4)Me
See where Im goin' here???? Now OW is out and mother has shown her true colors(what Ive always known) and the job is on its way out but still pulling rank on me looks like.
This is just all so flippin' ridiculous! I now have to ASK him to give me a decent goodbye? It just seems like he should/would be more aware of himself and of me. I mean it seriously seemed like he just couldnt wait to just go. Im spending so much time trying to think things thru and not say or do things that cause him undue concern. Well, it looks like he would know that practically running to the place where this all started w/o hardly a goodbye would, in any reasonable person's mind, make them suspicious, concerned and uneasy. Its just reminicent of how he was before.. he said that part of the reason she could weasle her way in was his passion for his job and his desire to get ahead and how that desire had gotten so far out of hand. That its a job and needs to be treated as such. Today not solid proof of that effort.
As much as he wants to he can't change that wiring over night - he will occasionally slip into his old SOP (standard operating procedure). That is not to say that he will resume or be part of any inappropriate behavior with OW. Mentioning it to him is not asking him - it's pointing out to him, "hey H, we agreed this was bad and you were going to work on it - you took your eye off the ball this morning and it hurt me a little."
This is an excellent example of why totally open communication is so vital during reconciliation. Odds are way better than not that he has no idea he hurt you a little this morning. If you don't mention it to him, you'll harbor a little resentment, he'll feel that and wonder what's wrong but he's done so much wrong he'll be afraid to ask and just withdraw a little, his withdrawing a little will lead to you going from a little resentful to a little pissed off, you being pissed off will lead to him wondering if you still want to be married to him, and all of the sudden you're back at square one. All because he forgot to give you a proper goodbye this morning and you don't want to "have" to mention it.
I know it's a pain in the ass and not ideal, but you've got to talk about these things. Neither of you is operating under ideal mental and emotional circumstances - you're best bet, best defense, and best chances are in talking and communicating. Without accusation and without calling him a dumbass or neglectful point it out to him. Don't ask him to give you a better goodbye, just tell him you'd appreciate more than what you got this morning. Oh - and wait until he's home this evening. You don't want to have reconciliation conversations where his attention is justifiably divided.
As much as he wants to he can't change that wiring over night - he will occasionally slip into his old SOP (standard operating procedure). That is not to say that he will resume or be part of any inappropriate behavior with OW. Mentioning it to him is not asking him - it's pointing out to him, "hey H, we agreed this was bad and you were going to work on it - you took your eye off the ball this morning and it hurt me a little."
This is an excellent example of why totally open communication is so vital during reconciliation. Odds are way better than not that he has no idea he hurt you a little this morning. If you don't mention it to him, you'll harbor a little resentment, he'll feel that and wonder what's wrong but he's done so much wrong he'll be afraid to ask and just withdraw a little, his withdrawing a little will lead to you going from a little resentful to a little pissed off, you being pissed off will lead to him wondering if you still want to be married to him, and all of the sudden you're back at square one. All because he forgot to give you a proper goodbye this morning and you don't want to "have" to mention it.
I know it's a pain in the ass and not ideal, but you've got to talk about these things. Neither of you is operating under ideal mental and emotional circumstances - you're best bet, best defense, and best chances are in talking and communicating. Without accusation and without calling him a dumbass or neglectful point it out to him. Don't ask him to give you a better goodbye, just tell him you'd appreciate more than what you got this morning. Oh - and wait until he's home this evening. You don't want to have reconciliation conversations where his attention is justifiably divided.
I wouldnt(never have)been one to bug him at work much. I only called today b/c he need the info for a meeting. And the texting on my phone isnt working so it would have to wait anyway. He had a meeting w/his boss scheduled today so that was prob the most important thing on his mind for whatever reason. I just dont get keyed up about that kind of thing, he does. Dont know why you would about a job that you are leaving but ok. Its just one of those spots where he had two choices 1)to think about his meeting that was gonna happen in 3 hrs at a job youre leaving or 2) be present in the moment and think about that meeting when you get in the car. You know as well as I do Sig, the JOB (his own admission)is his child. Im just saying I'm tired of taking the backseat to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. In 15yrs I have never had the #1 seat. I am consistantly an afterthought. I dont know if that will change? Will there always be something else or someone else more important? Its just a thought.
CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through.
When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination.
Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.
I wouldnt(never have)been one to bug him at work much. I only called today b/c he need the info for a meeting. And the texting on my phone isnt working so it would have to wait anyway. He had a meeting w/his boss scheduled today so that was prob the most important thing on his mind for whatever reason. I just dont get keyed up about that kind of thing, he does. Dont know why you would about a job that you are leaving but ok. Its just one of those spots where he had two choices 1)to think about his meeting that was gonna happen in 3 hrs at a job youre leaving or 2) be present in the moment and think about that meeting when you get in the car. You know as well as I do Sig, the JOB (his own admission)is his child. Im just saying I'm tired of taking the backseat to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. In 15yrs I have never had the #1 seat. I am consistantly an afterthought. I dont know if that will change? Will there always be something else or someone else more important? Its just a thought.
As you said yesterday I think he's just putting his nose to the grindstone and trying to plow through this until its over. I do think you should talk to him about how you feel. You said yesterday that he texted you multiple times to reassure you that he was thinking of you. I also think you said you didn't answer his texts. Maybe he thinks you don't want to acknowledge any of this until its over. Maybe he believes you are shutting down to protect yourself and he doesn't want to do anything to trigger you.
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Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!! 
