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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-09-2012, 10:01 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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It makes send to a BS, I am not sure you can really explain it to someone that does not have that in common with you. Best of luck and I will say a prayer for you and the new job
Thats why I come here Mahike. I can talk to my friends/family but until you've experience this first hand-you dont really get it. I used to THINK I did but -NO. Unfortunately, now I do and I will never forget this particular brand of agony.
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Why do I think he will stay strong. Because he has seen over the past couple of weeks the pain he has caused and from what you've written he sounds like he is willing to do the work necessary to repair the marriage. It would certainly be easier if he didn't work with her but you both decided to hold off on his resignation. When he comes home I would make sure to sit down and talk. Watch his body language and especially look into his eyes. Let him know how anxious you were all day and tell him he needs to keep communicating honestly and openly with you.
He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope.

I know he is trying but I cant help thinking about those yrs when I was busting a$$ in this marriage and he was thinking only of himself 8-10hrs a day then coming home and looking me square in the eye and lying through his teeth. I dont think I can move past that as long as he is sitting right there with HER. Part of his penance is to give up a good job that he has worked hard for because he has to get out of her grip and not put me in jail(so to speak) everyday when he goes to work.

Last edited by canttrustu; 04-09-2012 at 10:32 AM.
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope. Are these normal feelings?
Everything you describe is incredibly normal. Think of it this way. You've been cut very deeply. The initial pain is intense and excruciating. After some time the wound gets a bit numb as the endorphins kick in. This is probably where you are now. Soon the wound will begin to throb and bother you more. You will get angry at him and possibly lash out when you trigger. Eventually it will start to heal and itch. You will want to scratch that itch but questioning him again and again. Then the wound will scab over. It will bother you less and less but the scab will serve as a reminder of your pain. You will start to feel things for him again as you heal and you both work on the marriage together. At some point the scar tissue may tug once in a while reminding you that it wasn't that long ago that you were hurt. Eventually the scar will fade and soften over time. You won't notice it most of the time and in fact the area around the scar has now compensated making you stronger and wiser. Your husband will see that you are a different person. More confident and self reliant. He will learn to appreciate the new you and you both will treasure your marriage because it was almost lost.

Of course the healing process can be derailed at any point. You may pull out the stitches. You husband might carelessly injure you again. He may even wound you again but if he does you are now prepared for that. I don't see your recovery being derailed given how things have gone for you these past weeks. You will never look at him the same way again. And he will never look at you the same way again. Morrigan and I do not see the people we were before her affair. We both threw away our rose colored glasses long ago. I see her in the light of reality and she is more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. Certainly more beautiful than any rose colored version I imagined. You and your husband will see each other differently as well. But different is not necessarily bad. Different is oftentimes very good. And your love will grow again as trust is reestablished. Give yourself time. Give him time to prove himself again to you. You are stronger than you realize.
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:57 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Hoping this works out for you. Keep strong.
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:08 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hoping this works out for you. Keep strong.
How's it going for you thor?
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:03 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I almost blew it. My anger was out of control and the heavy drinking early on made my wife want to D me. I do not blame her. We came a long way over the weekend. No sex, not much affection and i need it. But it was my fault. My sons turned against me and two of her brothers due to my anger. I was able to talk to one son (the other one is in Virginia) and her one brother. I promised not to get out of control again. I said I have a right to be angry but not out of control.

Talk about reversals.

Being apart during the week stinks and I told my wife if we were together everyday I would have not been out of control because my mind goes places and imagines things that are not happening. Not excusing my drinking and abusive outbursts, but we would be further along in the process.

Can't wait till we move into our new home so we can be together to work things out.

I understand why my wife shut down. It was my fault. I would have gotten a lot more out of her in the past months if I had been nicer.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:20 AM   #22 (permalink)
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It doesn't let her off the hook though Thorburn. She has much to answer for. Don't let her twist things around and make you the bad guy. Your not the cheater.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:26 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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It doesn't let her off the hook though Thorburn. She has much to answer for. Don't let her twist things around and make you the bad guy. Your not the cheater.
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Yes she does and I hear you.

We are all hoping for canttrustu to get the break she needs.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:26 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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I almost blew it. My anger was out of control and the heavy drinking early on made my wife want to D me. I do not blame her. We came a long way over the weekend. No sex, not much affection and i need it. But it was my fault. My sons turned against me and two of her brothers due to my anger. I was able to talk to one son (the other one is in Virginia) and her one brother. I promised not to get out of control again. I said I have a right to be angry but not out of control.

Talk about reversals.

Being apart during the week stinks and I told my wife if we were together everyday I would have not been out of control because my mind goes places and imagines things that are not happening. Not excusing my drinking and abusive outbursts, but we would be further along in the process.

Can't wait till we move into our new home so we can be together to work things out.

I understand why my wife shut down. It was my fault. I would have gotten a lot more out of her in the past months if I had been nicer.
Well thats a good thing to realize/admit. BUT, Bandit makes a good point the cheating must be atoned. YOU didnt make tHAT choice. YOU are responsible for you but absolute not for her actions whatsoever.

Last edited by canttrustu; 04-10-2012 at 07:39 AM.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:41 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Well thats a good thing to realize/admit.
Has to do with honesty and getting help. I realize that we need to look at ourselves as well as the WS to work through things if we truely want R. I gave up a lot of leverage in getting answers by my behavior and it can't be undone. I am hoping that I can use this in the future. When I feel the time is right I will say, hey, I screwed up by drinking and being real nasty to you, you told me to change or you will D me, I did and the proof has been shown to you over and over again, I called your brothers and admitted to being over the top with you, I talked to our sons, I said I was sorry and showed you by my actions that I meant it, but now I need you to come clean with all the gaps in your story. I will say that this is a two way street and you need to open up as well. But right now I just have to show her by my actions that she will not get blasted and that I can be a safe place for her like I use to be. But I will not let her off the hook but i need to do so with more tact.


Canttrustu, I wish things could be sped up for you.

You are a good girl, try to keep positive.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:45 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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Has to do with honesty and getting help. I realize that we need to look at ourselves as well as the WS to work through things if we truely want R. I gave up a lot of leverage in getting answers by my behavior and it can't be undone. I am hoping that I can use this in the future. When I feel the time is right I will say, hey, I screwed up by drinking and being real nasty to you, you told me to change or you will D me, I did and the proof has been shown to you over and over again, I called your brothers and admitted to being over the top with you, I talked to our sons, I said I was sorry and showed you by my actions that I meant it, but now I need you to come clean with all the gaps in your story. I will say that this is a two way street and you need to open up as well. But right now I just have to show her by my actions that she will not get blasted and that I can be a safe place for her like I use to be. But I will not let her off the hook but i need to do so with more tact.


Canttrustu, I wish things could be sped up for you.

You are a good girl, try to keep positive.
I think thats a good attitude Thor. If she fears you there's no way she's gonna open up. And you stand to lose more than just her it sounds like...

And, thank you I'm trying. He is working hard and my eyes are WIDE open.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:59 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I promise I'm not going to threadjack canttrustu but I'd like to respond to Thorburn now that I have more time.

Thor,

I don't know how aware you are of my story but in one major way it mirrors yours. After D-day my wife was trying very hard to reconcile. I on the other hand was just waiting for her to screw up because then I could divorce her and still say I tried. Sad huh? Anyway, she never screwed up. She was true to her word and was remorseful with words and actions. I held my emotions in for three months until finally they exploded out. I unleashed a tirade on Morrigan that was truly vicious. She never got defensive or fought back. She took it because she felt she deserved it. That only made me angrier so I continued more and more each day. This went on for more than a week until finally one day I was so emotionally and verbally abusive that she just curled up in a ball on the floor in the fetal position crying hysterically. I broke her. Seeing her lying there I realized that what she had done was no doubt a terrible thing but my response was not just over the top, it was sick. I then realized I needed to work on me and find a way to deal with the anger and frustration I had.

I'm glad you recognize what you were doing was destructive, not only to your marriage but to yourself. Yes what your wife did was reprehensible but she needs to be able to work on atoning for her bad choices. Reconciliation requires two people to participate and you need to find a way to deal with the pain and anguish you are feeling. If you were with each other every day your wife could help you with that. As things stand now you are alone much of the time. I think IC is a good starting point for you. Take care bud.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:15 AM   #28 (permalink)
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I promise I'm not going to threadjack canttrustu but I'd like to respond to Thorburn now that I have more time.

Thor,

I don't know how aware you are of my story but in one major way it mirrors yours. After D-day my wife was trying very hard to reconcile. I on the other hand was just waiting for her to screw up because then I could divorce her and still say I tried. Sad huh? Anyway, she never screwed up. She was true to her word and was remorseful with words and actions. I held my emotions in for three months until finally they exploded out. I unleashed a tirade on Morrigan that was truly vicious. She never got defensive or fought back. She took it because she felt she deserved it. That only made me angrier so I continued more and more each day. This went on for more than a week until finally one day I was so emotionally and verbally abusive that she just curled up in a ball on the floor in the fetal position crying hysterically. I broke her. Seeing her lying there I realized that what she had done was no doubt a terrible thing but my response was not just over the top, it was sick. I then realized I needed to work on me and find a way to deal with the anger and frustration I had.

I'm glad you recognize what you were doing was destructive, not only to your marriage but to yourself. Yes what your wife did was reprehensible but she needs to be able to work on atoning for her bad choices. Reconciliation requires two people to participate and you need to find a way to deal with the pain and anguish you are feeling. If you were with each other every day your wife could help you with that. As things stand now you are alone much of the time. I think IC is a good starting point for you. Take care bud.
Not a problem AT ALL Beo. I asked Thor how he was b/c I know he has been struggling. To me TAM is about helping whoever needs it. Right here, Thor needs it.
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:11 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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He has read a few books and gone to a couple of IC sessions in the past couple of weeks. He listens(or sometimes just sits in silence next to me on the floor when I cant speak anymore), he has told his family, my brother knows, our oldest kids know, he has definately had to take some heat from me and has weathered it. He wrote the Magna carta of Fidelity(in his own handwriting-ty Bandit) leaving no stone unturned. He has opologized so many times, each time explaining a new way that he gets what he did to himself, to me and to us. He is not proud. He is humbled by his self reflection. All of this I see. It gives me hope. All of that said, I dont see him in the same way that I used to. I dont have the same respect for him. THe same love for him. I hope over time, as I regain trust and see that he has changed, these things can come back. Thats my hope.

I know he is trying but I cant help thinking about those yrs when I was busting a$$ in this marriage and he was thinking only of himself 8-10hrs a day then coming home and looking me square in the eye and lying through his teeth. I dont think I can move past that as long as he is sitting right there with HER. Part of his penance is to give up a good job that he has worked hard for because he has to get out of her grip and not put me in jail(so to speak) everyday when he goes to work.
canttrustu, can you tell me what books he has read? and does it help him to understand how the whole A happens and why its so necessary that NC will need to happen to get a sucessful R?
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:47 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Not a problem AT ALL Beo. I asked Thor how he was b/c I know he has been struggling. To me TAM is about helping whoever needs it. Right here, Thor needs it.
thanks
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