As you said yesterday I think he's just putting his nose to the grindstone and trying to plow through this until its over. I do think you should talk to him about how you feel. You said yesterday that he texted you multiple times to reassure you that he was thinking of you. I also think you said you didn't answer his texts. Maybe he thinks you don't want to acknowledge any of this until its over. Maybe he believes you are shutting down to protect yourself and he doesn't want to do anything to trigger you.
no. I cant answer b/c my phone isnt working properly. He knows I cant answer. I dont think he is bothered by that. He didnt call or anything at lunch so I dont think he is worried about that. Actually, I think he has trouble even being aware of triggers. He knows what they are, that they exist. He just isnt good at realizing when its happening. I have tried to talk with him about them, he just doesnt really seem to grasp it. Or he does and he just doesnt know what to do so he does nothing. Not sure. For example last night we watched a show and the main characters name was the same as OW. It was driving me nuts! They said it dozens of times. I dont think he even thought about it. And I have told him about that particular trigger b/c its so so common.
Anyway, its just a bad day. I know Sig thinks Im score keeping. Im not. Its about noticing a continuation of a pattern even when its pointed out. He did offer to "just quit and not go back" but listen I know him, he would have resented me for that. That job is his child and leaving it is one thing but leaving it unattended would have created anger and resentment toward me. I know how he is when it comes to his job. So I said for him to finish it out. I would have expected him to do JUST that but I dont think its too much to expect him to be able to focus on both the job and us. he managed when he was focusing on the job and the girlfriend afterall. Like I said, bad day.
CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through.
When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination.
Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.
Cant - I am not sure if there is too much to read into here. I know when dealing with H and his workplace affair, in the weeks and months right after NC, there were some days that he acted similar.
It was usually due to him knowing he would have to deal with her in some way, knew he had to handle her in a way where I didn't get upset about it and keep NC. When he left the house in this mindset he was so focused on not screwing up that he didn't always "say goodbye" in the loving way that he should have during the begining of R. It drove me nuts and made me upset and I started thinking paranoid thoughts thinking he slipped back into her grip! It was never the case, he was just very very very very focused on trying to be the best H he could be to show me that he could be trusted again. I don't know how your H is, but when mine is in that focused mindset (driving, house projects, working at home) I can hardly even talk to him b/c he is just so focused on the task at hand!
So maybe your H just KNOWS that OW will be around today and is just dreading it. His actions this week have shown that he is thinking about you and trying very hard to show you that you are priority. So maybe talk to him about how he left today but try not to grill him. He may just be feeling annoyed having to deal with her and is expecting to get a million and one questions from you about it or expecting you to freak out and just waiting for that to happen.
Try to be confident as much as possible today and not question him too much right when he gets home. Have a nice dinner and maybe try to bring up this morning, just making sure to not sound accusing or upset. Honey instead of vinegar, right?
Wow - I'm way off base or Wow I'm on point or - just wow??
btw - I don't think you're keeping score - I just think you should be aware of it and be sure yourself that you're not or at least trying not to. Keeping score is a completely normal reaction - we all do it to some degree, but it's almost never productive.
He is not having to deal with her today. She is not there today. But he is back in HER/HIS world. I am more than likely NOT going to say anything(typical) about it. Since he has been back i have been in virtual non-stop trigger world. So Im not sure Im fit to have a conversation about his job which directly relates to HER. So i was just venting. Im done.
CTU - I think you both freely admit that there are issues in the marriage that need to be addressed, not that they assign any responsibility to you for his decisions, but I think you both realize there are areas for improvement. You said yourself that reconciliation couldn't really BEGIN until he left that job and we all agree with you. He even offered to walk out if that's what you wanted/needed him to do, so in that offer he was certainly putting you before the job. The two of you collectively agreed that it was best he work out two weeks notice and then really start on R after that - right? So give your H just a little room to do what was agreed on. I understand your frustration - I promise I do - but this is not an overnight process, it's not a sprint. It's a very long marathon - with lots of really high mountains to climb and really low valleys to get through.
When he finishes his two weeks the dawn is not going to come and shine upon a bright new world in which you H does everything perfectly to meet your needs or progress with R. He's going to take some missteps and so are you. It is a process - not a destination.
Many people post here to vent, which is great because it lets them blow off some steam without consequence. Just try to be careful that you are venting and not keeping score. Part of being fully committed to R is to not keep score - or to keep it as little as possible.
My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?
Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in.
So, here you have a husband who's probably worried about where his next job is going to come from, how he's going to provide for you over time. He's trying to juggle his effort to maintain a semblance of what remains of his career while doing what he needs to do to keep you happy.
He's made a major mistake with the affair. Granted. He is making major amends. Quitting his job without another in hand is something that would create tremendous stress for anybody who takes their career seriously. He's trying to leave on a high note with his previous employer so that he has a shot at getting another job that can keep your family's lifestyle in tact.
I recognize that you have resentment built up over years of his misplaced priorities. But give the guy a break. You're happy with him as long as he just toes the absolute line. You will engender as much resentment in him for you as you have for him right now. You are dealing with huge amounts of past baggage, I know. But you are not helping build a good foundation for a new era of relationship by on-going need for consoling and re-assurance.
If you can't accept the sacrifices he's made to try to make amends, you should probably just let him go. He's trying hard, and when he slips you're fit to be tied. If you want to truly help relieve his stress during a very, very difficult time, pitching a fit over not getting "kissed goodbye" is not going to help.
My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?
Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in.
So, here you have a husband who's probably worried about where his next job is going to come from, how he's going to provide for you over time. He's trying to juggle his effort to maintain a semblance of what remains of his career while doing what he needs to do to keep you happy.
He's made a major mistake with the affair. Granted. He is making major amends. Quitting his job without another in hand is something that would create tremendous stress for anybody who takes their career seriously. He's trying to leave on a high note with his previous employer so that he has a shot at getting another job that can keep your family's lifestyle in tact.
I recognize that you have resentment built up over years of his misplaced priorities. But give the guy a break. You're happy with him as long as he just toes the absolute line. You will engender as much resentment in him for you as you have for him right now. You are dealing with huge amounts of past baggage, I know. But you are not helping build a good foundation for a new era of relationship by on-going need for consoling and re-assurance.
If you can't accept the sacrifices he's made to try to make amends, you should probably just let him go. He's trying hard, and when he slips you're fit to be tied. If you want to truly help relieve his stress during a very, very difficult time, pitching a fit over not getting "kissed goodbye" is not going to help.
Wow. Im such a B*tch. I should be kissing the ground he walks on. Stupid me.
Now youve confused me AR? ARe you **liking**b/c called myself a B*tch who should be kissing the ground of her cheating H's feet? Or b/c you agree w/Married T or both? ....and PLEASE NO PICTURES!
Now youve confused me AR? ARe you **liking**b/c called myself a B*tch who should be kissing the ground of her cheating H's feet? Or b/c you agree w/Married T or both? ....and PLEASE NO PICTURES!
I liked your attitude towards that post, while I think you need to be more communicative in your needs I do not think you should be bending over backwards for him
I liked your attitude towards that post, while I think you need to be more communicative in your needs I do not think you should be bending over backwards for him
I especially love the last paragraph. "If I cant accept HIS sacrifices to make amends, I should just let him go. If he slips Im fit to be tied.If I truly want to relieve HIS stress during this very very difficult time pitching a fit is not going to help".
2 things here; first I accept that he is sacrificing his job. The one that HE put on the line when HE chose to get involved with the BOSS.
Second, I supposed you(MarriedTex)DIDNT read where I said I probably would NOT say ANYTHING to him and that I only came here to VENT!!!!!
And last but not least HE HASNT MERELY SLIPPED!!!!! HE HAS RUN HEAD FIRST OFF A CLIFF TAKING ME WITH HIM FOR A DAMNED YEAR!!!!!! AND IM STILL HERE B/C I LOVE HIM. BUT IM ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY. And Just FYI, Tex-I did offer him to go on DDAy and a couple of times since. SO when you say LET him go. IM not KEEPING him here.I am here b/c we are trying. B/c we love each other and he screwed up.
Everyone made need a time out this am. Emotions are high and they both have hard days ahead. I think we are all more understanding of the "side" we are aligned with based on our situations. I understand her H's issues, but I understand all CTU is going through more. Her H has to work, but he is the one who had the A. I hated Sigma (my H) suffered, but as he told me he earned it. Posted via Mobile Device
Everyone made need a time out this am. Emotions are high and they both have hard days ahead. I think we are all more understanding of the "side" we are aligned with based on our situations. I understand her H's issues, but I understand all CTU is going through more. Her H has to work, but he is the one who had the A. I hated Sigma (my H) suffered, but as he told me he earned it. Posted via Mobile Device
Suffering is not always a bad thing if it leads to a good place.
We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.
Winston Churchill
All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.
Helen Keller
The reward of suffering is experience.
Harry S. Truman
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Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!! 
