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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-02-2012, 12:14 PM   #301 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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Originally Posted by MarriedTex View Post
My guess is that you like getting the mortgage paid, right? You like being able to go to grocery store and buy what you want, right? Maybe a nice vacation every once in awhile?

Where does the money come from to fund all of that? Unless you were fortunate enough to get a nice inheritance, all those good things come from the effort he puts in.

So, here you have a husband who's probably worried about where his next job is going to come from, how he's going to provide for you over time. He's trying to juggle his effort to maintain a semblance of what remains of his career while doing what he needs to do to keep you happy.
He is the one who has now put his family at risk financially by having A with his boss. She has every right to be mad as hell that he put himself in the position they are all in now.

This post just made me mad; hit a major nerve. I am a stay-at-home mom too. My H does earn a great living, and I appreciate his efforts everyday. I don't not work, so I can eat bon bons and play; we decided together that I would quit my job and take care of our home and family. We are a team, as they are. He let the team down, so I don't think he deserves a pat on the back for earning the $
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:20 PM   #302 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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He is the one who has now put his family at risk financially by having A with his boss. She has every right to be mad as hell that he put himself in the position they are all in now.

This post just made me mad; hit a major nerve. I am a stay-at-home mom too. My H does earn a great living, and I appreciate his efforts everyday. I don't not work, so I can eat bon bons and play; we decided together that I would quit my job and take care of our home and family. We are a team, as they are. He let the team down, so I don't think he deserves a pat on the back for earning the $
Amen sister! Like you this really hit a nerve. Yes he does make the money. All the MORE reason to have NOT played with the boss at work! Its no different than if,while he is at work earning the money, I, while at home(and doing my job of kids and the house)I bring the neighbor over for a nice romp in the hay. Should he respect that???Why not? I still got the house clean, the kids are fed, right? So when he's at work after I have this A, would he be rightfully worried about where that neighbor is while he(my H)is at work???? Just askin.

Last edited by canttrustu; 05-02-2012 at 12:33 PM.
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:38 PM   #303 (permalink)
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Just to be clear here, folks, I didn't call anybody names. Those were introduced by others. Also, in my post, I acknowledged in several ways that the husband is in the complete wrong here. Obviously, his actions lead to the current situation. There is no excuse for what he has done.

But, at the risk of being run over by the mob here, let me suggest that the relationship can only advance when forgiveness is present and tangible. Cantrustu gets all mollified when he calls/texts you multiple times a day. Next day, he forgets to kiss you goodbye, and it's a federal offense requiring yet another round of mea culpas from him to return to her good graces.

So, what is the statute of limitations here? Is it a day, a week, a year, a lifetime? How long should he pay for his mistakes in your eyes? If you can't forgive him, I totally understand. I don't think I would be able to forgive him either.

But if you can't forgive him, you need to acknowledge that and let him go. The guy is doing what he can to repair the relationship after making a very serious mistake. And you're putting him up on the cross every time he falls short of your expectations. You're entitled to these feelings no doubt. But if you hold onto this resentment as tightly as you are, you'll be headed to divorce a couple of years down the line anyway. As much as you resent him now, he'll come to resent you if you continue to treat him in this manner.

So, question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want to stay married or do you want to punish him for hurting you. If you really want to stay married, a tiny bit of empathy and acknowledgement of his efforts (after a horrendous mistake) would go a long way. Alternatively, if you want to be divorced two years from now, just keep doing what you're doing. You're on a great path!
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:49 PM   #304 (permalink)
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Just to be clear here, folks, I didn't call anybody names. Those were introduced by others. Also, in my post, I acknowledged in several ways that the husband is in the complete wrong here. Obviously, his actions lead to the current situation. There is no excuse for what he has done.

But, at the risk of being run over by the mob here, let me suggest that the relationship can only advance when forgiveness is present and tangible. Cantrustu gets all mollified when he calls/texts you multiple times a day. Next day, he forgets to kiss you goodbye, and it's a federal offense requiring yet another round of mea culpas from him to return to her good graces.

So, what is the statute of limitations here? Is it a day, a week, a year, a lifetime? How long should he pay for his mistakes in your eyes? If you can't forgive him, I totally understand. I don't think I would be able to forgive him either.

But if you can't forgive him, you need to acknowledge that and let him go. The guy is doing what he can to repair the relationship after making a very serious mistake. And you're putting him up on the cross every time he falls short of your expectations. You're entitled to these feelings no doubt. But if you hold onto this resentment as tightly as you are, you'll be headed to divorce a couple of years down the line anyway. As much as you resent him now, he'll come to resent you if you continue to treat him in this manner.

So, question you have to ask yourself is this: Do you want to stay married or do you want to punish him for hurting you. If you really want to stay married, a tiny bit of empathy and acknowledgement of his efforts (after a horrendous mistake) would go a long way. Alternatively, if you want to be divorced two years from now, just keep doing what you're doing. You're on a great path!
So MarriedTex whats YOUR story? Because clearly you dont know mine if your asking "How long should he pay for his 'mistake" because this is less than 4 mos since Dday. And he still has contact w/her EVERYDAY....And this wasnt a mistake, it was an entire year long worth of a CHOICE. And ONCE again-try to pay attention now-I said I wasnt gonna say anything to HIM. Im allowed to be upset with him. He lied to and deceived me for an entire year. And You are only hearing PART of the story. I wonder if you'd have the same opinion if YOUR wife was screwing around with her boss and still seeing him everyday....?

And finally, If he is gonna divorce me for being moody or sensitive after what I am trying my best to move past then so be it. However, I think he, unlike you perhaps, understands that he brought this on himself.

So out with it.....

Last edited by canttrustu; 05-02-2012 at 04:00 PM.
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Old 05-02-2012, 04:38 PM   #305 (permalink)
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It takes 2-5 years to heal not that any timeline should be established
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Old 05-02-2012, 04:59 PM   #306 (permalink)
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It takes 2-5 years to heal not that any timeline should be established
What, What.....my 4 months isnt enough???? Damnit AR. AND I dont think a REAL R can start while there is still contact. So technically we are just bidding time. I think we are doing pretty damned well under the circumstances and I'd bet everything we own on still being married in 20 yrs let alone 2! But it wont be smooth sailing for a while. And I havent yet forgiven him. I dont think I can even start with trying until there is NC.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:14 PM   #307 (permalink)
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Cant - forgiveness will be on your time line. It is something you do when you are ready.

I was in your same shoes two weekends ago. My wife seemed cold to me and I kept telling her that I will be away from her for 6 days and I was not looking forward to it and I just wanted some extra hugs and she did not give me them. I was not this way in the past and an A does this to both men and women. In some ways we become overly sensitive. This caused an arguement and me leaving for a week not getting filled up physically and emotionally. We talked it through and this past weekend I got everything I needed from my wife. So I do understand what you went through when your husband left that day. I went through the same thing two weeks ago.

It looks like the house deal is falling apart. And I am very disappointed and my wife is crying about it. Not sure what we are going to do, but if it falls through (stupid Veterans Administration), I told my wife we are going to rent a place and be together in a matter of weeks not months.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:20 PM   #308 (permalink)
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Cant - forgiveness will be on your time line. It is something you do when you are ready.

I was in your same shoes two weekends ago. My wife seemed cold to me and I kept telling her that I will be away from her for 6 days and I was not looking forward to it and I just wanted some extra hugs and she did not give me them. I was not this way in the past and an A does this to both men and women. In some ways we become overly sensitive. This caused an arguement and me leaving for a week not getting filled up physically and emotionally. We talked it through and this past weekend I got everything I needed from my wife. So I do understand what you went through when your husband left that day. I went through the same thing two weeks ago.

It looks like the house deal is falling apart. And I am very disappointed and my wife is crying about it. Not sure what we are going to do, but if it falls through (stupid Veterans Administration), I told my wife we are going to rent a place and be together in a matter of weeks not months.
I didn't like your post because of the house deal falling apart (I'm so sorry btw) but that you and your wife will soon be together.
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:26 PM   #309 (permalink)
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Hang in there Thor. Try and find ANY way to be with your wife. If my H can quit his job you can find a place to live with your W, right. I know you will be so much happier when you are with her full time just like I will be when he is not with HER at all. Its GONNA happen for BOTH of us Thor. Keep the faith.
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:54 PM   #310 (permalink)
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I don't want to jinx this but has anyone noticed a lot of successful or at least potentially successful reconciliations happening lately?
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:15 PM   #311 (permalink)
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I don't want to jinx this but has anyone noticed a lot of successful or at least potentially successful reconciliations happening lately?
Yes I have. I am pro-marriage and pro-R so I have a prejudice in this regards. I have personally seen the worst marriages reconcile when there was no hope at all. I, even when I lack faith, see God work in ways that we will never understand. Of course I have seen things that puzzle me beyond my comprehension and wonder where God is in those moments.

I will say this regardless of anyone's religious or non-religious worldview. Most marriages can be repaired. It can happen with or without any type of religious orientation. It can happen with or without professional involvement (me included).

There is serious fall out whether we try R or D. Some will testify here that R has been wonderful and that it has been 5, 10, or 20 years and things are working. Others will say I am D and it is a living hell, I am on this drug or that one, I can never trust again, etc. Or some try R and find out months or years later that they are back where they started or found out that their WS lied 10 years ago and they have had it and file for D.

There is no one right path or answer when it comes to R or D. In my view R is the best path in any endeavor. But that is my drunken, angry, out of control opinion.
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:21 PM   #312 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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Yes I have. I am pro-marriage and pro-R so I have a prejudice in this regards. I have personally seen the worst marriages reconcile when there was no hope at all. I, even when I lack faith, see God work in ways that we will never understand. Of course I have seen things that puzzle me beyond my comprehension and wonder where God is in those moments.

I will say this regardless of anyone's religious or non-religious worldview. Most marriages can be repaired. It can happen with or without any type of religious orientation. It can happen with or without professional involvement (me included).

There is serious fall out whether we try R or D. Some will testify here that R has been wonderful and that it has been 5, 10, or 20 years and things are working. Others will say I am D and it is a living hell, I am on this drug or that one, I can never trust again, etc. Or some try R and find out months or years later that they are back where they started or found out that their WS lied 10 years ago and they have had it and file for D.

There is no one right path or answer when it comes to R or D. In my view R is the best path in any endeavor. But that is my drunken, angry, out of control opinion.
Well it will come as no surprise that I am definitely pro R. I really do think most marriages can be saved as long as both parties want to try.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:16 PM   #313 (permalink)
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I think they can be saved and even thrive, but I've always been a glass half full girl.
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Old 05-04-2012, 02:58 PM   #314 (permalink)
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.......ITS ALMOST THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! WE SURVIVED. 2 DAYS TO GO.

On Monday I will start the day with vodka and OJ for breakfast. The breakfast of champions!
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:06 PM   #315 (permalink)
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.......ITS ALMOST THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! WE SURVIVED. 2 DAYS TO GO.

On Monday I will start the day with vodka and OJ for breakfast. The breakfast of champions!
Cant - omg. I just don't get you. Really, why water down good vodka with OJ. Skip the OJ.
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