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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-08-2012, 10:58 AM   #361 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

Thats so funny. When I typed that I was singing that song! Great minds....

And thanks for the kind words SH and Highwood. Im not sure Im deserving. This has been and continues to be THE hardest thing Ive ever been through. I have lost a parent and a brother-this is worse because He CHOSE to inflict this. Because as you say, Highwood, it leaves you to question everything you thought you knew as a couple.

He is getting out of there so no more seeing OW. Im hoping that will help with the nightmares and triggers some. And it will allow him to fully reengage with me. I hope to be able to start the process of forgiving him. Until now, I have been just getting by and hoping that the 'other shoe' wouldnt drop so to speak. Now, if he asks, I hope soon to be able to grant him forgiveness and start putting our marriage back together. I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be. I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much. I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this. I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad. I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him. I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted. I can see him trying to understand how I feel and intellectually he does, but emotionally he(and I suspect all WS) dont have the ability to really FEEL the true agony within us. I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.

Last edited by canttrustu; 05-08-2012 at 11:14 AM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 11:38 AM   #362 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
Thats so funny. When I typed that I was singing that song! Great minds....

And thanks for the kind words SH and Highwood. Im not sure Im deserving. This has been and continues to be THE hardest thing Ive ever been through. I have lost a parent and a brother-this is worse because He CHOSE to inflict this. Because as you say, Highwood, it leaves you to question everything you thought you knew as a couple.

He is getting out of there so no more seeing OW. Im hoping that will help with the nightmares and triggers some. And it will allow him to fully reengage with me. I hope to be able to start the process of forgiving him. Until now, I have been just getting by and hoping that the 'other shoe' wouldnt drop so to speak. Now, if he asks, I hope soon to be able to grant him forgiveness and start putting our marriage back together. I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be. I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much. I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this. I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad. I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him. I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted. I can see him trying to understand how I feel and intellectually he does, but emotionally he(and I suspect all WS) dont have the ability to really FEEL the true agony within us. I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.




As soon as I read those words that song popped into my head...ahhh yes great minds

The underlined is why you are going to try...I said it before in another post, I will never ever put someone upon a pedestal again...not so much for my own protection so to speak, the only ones we should hold up so high or oursleves...as for the loving him as much etc, for me with my wife I dont think its a matter of will I ever love her as much, I know it can be a different, completely new kind of love...(dont know if that makes sense or not)
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Old 05-08-2012, 11:56 AM   #363 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

It absolutely does question everything you knew and were familiar with...

Just 3 months before I discovered H's EA last September, I was talking with my sister, who was going thru some marital difficuties herself and I remember saying to her...if H ever cheated on me it would devestate me because I trust him implicitely...no questions asked. Little did I know at the time overseas he was beginning his EA...

To go from trusting someone to doubting them is a terrible feeling. Like you said until it happens to you..you can't imagine it. I think that our H's just want it to go away and for us to never think about it again...not so easy!

I have told H to think about how he would feel if he was off working his ass off in another country which he has done so often thru the years and he discovered that I was hanging out with some other guy...he had to admit that it would have driven him crazy and I suspect that our relationship probably would have been over...because he couldn't have handled all of the feelings/anger, jealousy, misttrust, etc.
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:02 PM   #364 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

....just a few more hours...
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:12 PM   #365 (permalink)
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[/U]



As soon as I read those words that song popped into my head...ahhh yes great minds

The underlined is why you are going to try...I said it before in another post, I will never ever put someone upon a pedestal again...not so much for my own protection so to speak, the only ones we should hold up so high or oursleves...as for the loving him as much etc, for me with my wife I dont think its a matter of will I ever love her as much, I know it can be a different, completely new kind of love...(dont know if that makes sense or not)
Exactly....I have been with this person for 24 years...to me we are destinated to be together...we still have a certain chemistry between us...which I find exciting especially after 24 years.
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:13 PM   #366 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

I thought I heard someone streching out a cats neck, so it was you singing...hell all of my windows blew out
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:14 PM   #367 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

Can you guys HEAR me singing??????

'From now on.....it will be, you and me....
from now on.....

and of course..

Just a few more hours and I'll be right home to you
Just a few more hours, oh CTU, what can I do.....

Last edited by canttrustu; 05-08-2012 at 12:25 PM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:13 PM   #368 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

He is on his way home!!!
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:14 PM   #369 (permalink)
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:41 PM   #370 (permalink)
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Last edited by DownUnder; 05-08-2012 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:42 PM   #371 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

I have been on a nineteen year (15 married) journey with an amazing woman. Your post touched me in a number of ways and I wanted to share a couple of things that I have learned.


Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I know it will be different. I guess it needs to be.
Great observation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I love him but I dont know if I will ever love him as much.
I think you will be capable, if you choose, of loving him more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I respect him but I dont know if I will ever respect him as much as I did before all of this.
If he takes takes the opportunity to grow from this crisis, then he could come out of this situation a person truly deserving of your respect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I need him but not as much as I did before. I dont know if this is how it will be or if this is just how it is for now. Its sad.
I believe you will find great joy in embracing your strength, courage and ability to stand on your own. You just demonstrated great courage in the face of tremendous difficulty.

I don't need my wife, but I love her profoundly. She would say the same thing.

"Need" is a smothering state that stands in the way of real intimacy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I now know that I can never fully and blindly trust him.
You risked by loving your husband and he betrayed you. You survived. I know you would never want to experience that betrayal again, but you now know you can handle it.

This risk is the price of true intimacy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I think he knows in his head what he has done and he has his own pain from that but I dont think a WS can ever fully digest the severity of the injury they have inflicted.
I understand this comment. I have experienced a number of profound losses. Each of them has caused an awakening of some dormant part of myself for which I am thankful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by canttrustu View Post
I have learned alot of things from this so far. But 2 things stand out. The first is, I gave too much. I gave more than I could afford to lose and that wont be repeated. The second is, I love him way more than even I knew. I hope he can feel that.
When you say you gave too much, I don't understand. You survived the loss - so maybe you could in fact afford to lose it.

I would encourage you to write down (for yourself) all the things you love about your husband. When you are done, look at the list and check off the items that describe you. Make another list of the things you think you lack and then work on yourself to make those characteristics a part of you too. True intimacy starts by being intimate with oneself.

Good luck.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:47 PM   #372 (permalink)
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Thanks to everyone that hung in there with my whiney a$$ those last weeks of him working w/her. Especially Monday and Tuesday. You guys were life savers. He had his surgery on Wednesday. Had a pretty rough time. Poor guy. Now soon it will be time to start with the R process. Its gonna be different b/c I have been keeping so much in for so long that letting it out scares me. I have fear, anger, resentment and the pure pain of betrayal all wrapped up with a pretty bow on it. Im afraid of unwrapping it. Since DDay its been about dealing with the job, her and the surgery. Now its about dealing with us. I have so many questions but Im not sure I want the answers. Some things I have the answers but I have questions about the answers, if that makes sense. Ive just been functioning by compartmentalizing alot. Now i have to open myself to him and that gives me anxiety b/c it requires me to trust him with my emotions. Something I am struggling with is trusting him with anything, let alone my very neatly wrapped emotional state.

Does this make sense or am I being crazy? I have spent so long protecting myself from...him. Now the circumstances require me to let go of a certain amount of that self preservation. It scares me.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:50 PM   #373 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

you do need to unload, but you should unload in a "safe way". I suggest having time set aside each day for a set time period to talk about it. Set rules that while you will get emotional with each other that each other must try not to get defensive and be extremely honest with each other. Use lots of "I feel that" and "When you do x I feel" and "I believe that" etc
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:03 PM   #374 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerNiceGuy View Post
I have been on a nineteen year (15 married) journey with an amazing woman. Your post touched me in a number of ways and I wanted to share a couple of things that I have learned.




Great observation.



I think you will be capable, if you choose, of loving him more.



If he takes takes the opportunity to grow from this crisis, then he could come out of this situation a person truly deserving of your respect.



I believe you will find great joy in embracing your strength, courage and ability to stand on your own. You just demonstrated great courage in the face of tremendous difficulty.

I don't need my wife, but I love her profoundly. She would say the same thing.

"Need" is a smothering state that stands in the way of real intimacy.



You risked by loving your husband and he betrayed you. You survived. I know you would never want to experience that betrayal again, but you now know you can handle it.

This risk is the price of true intimacy.



I understand this comment. I have experienced a number of profound losses. Each of them has caused an awakening of some dormant part of myself for which I am thankful.



When you say you gave too much, I don't understand. You survived the loss - so maybe you could in fact afford to lose it.

I would encourage you to write down (for yourself) all the things you love about your husband. When you are done, look at the list and check off the items that describe you. Make another list of the things you think you lack and then work on yourself to make those characteristics a part of you too. True intimacy starts by being intimate with oneself.

Good luck.
FormerNG, Thanks for your comments. I agree with most of what you have said and what is left I dont 'disagree' with, I just dont know yet.

You asked what I gave that I couldnt afford to lose-what I meant was I built my self, my life around him too much. I realized, thru this, the power he has to 'take me down' if he so chooses. He did choose to do so. So what I meant is that I shouldnt have allowed him such access. Im not by nature a trusting person(cantrustu). So I let myself trust him, even when there was evidence that he was not deserving of that trust. I did not insulate myself enough from the blow. In other areas of my life, I hold a certain part of me out from other people. It started when I was very young. Until him, it kept me from feeling too much. He came along, and I let go of that need to keep a part of me out from him. That was an error. Now I am struggling to put one foot in front of another just as I did when I was a kid. So thats what I meant. I am back to the nightmares and misery of yesteryear. All b/c i didnt insulate myself enough.

Im not saying I shouldnt have trusted him at all, Im saying I trusted him blindly even when there was evidence to the contrary. In other words I knew(suspected) he was carrying a gun so I responded by removing my bullet proof vest.(duh)

Last edited by canttrustu; 05-11-2012 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:08 PM   #375 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
you do need to unload, but you should unload in a "safe way". I suggest having time set aside each day for a set time period to talk about it. Set rules that while you will get emotional with each other that each other must try not to get defensive and be extremely honest with each other. Use lots of "I feel that" and "When you do x I feel" and "I believe that" etc
AAAHHHH....the dreaded "I feel" statements. Youre killin me AR.
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