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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-21-2012, 07:49 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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Ive done nothing but. We are going to talk some more when he comes down from reading a story for bedtime. I think you are right though, Its suicide for me to 'send' him back to her. He wants to be done. He wants to fix us and move forward and he knows I cant even begin to forgive him while he still has contact w/her. While she is calling MY house. Even if its for work(and it is) It makes me want to rip his head off. I cant open myself up to him or start to rebuild w/him as long as she is in the picture AT ALL. It seems too dangerous to allow myself to be with him under these circumstances. And I feel like Im sharing him as long as I am forced to allow her access to him.
Ok, I was the BS like you but I'm also a man. I love Morrigan with every fiber of my being. If anything was hurting her I would move mountains to stop it. I finally figured out why I was getting so emotional reading your threads. When you talk about how your H is reacting to this situation I literally tear up. I can feel the anguish in your words and I know AS A MAN that your husband is dying inside. This is tearing him apart. He needs to be there for you and he wants to be there for you but he thinks this is what you want. I know he was the WS but in a very real way I feel for him as a man and a husband. Let him help you and thereby help himself too. You both need this.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:57 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Ok, I was the BS like you but I'm also a man. I love Morrigan with every fiber of my being. If anything was hurting her I would move mountains to stop it. I finally figured out why I was getting so emotional reading your threads. When you talk about how your H is reacting to this situation I literally tear up. I can feel the anguish in your words and I know AS A MAN that your husband is dying inside. This is tearing him apart. He needs to be there for you and he wants to be there for you but he thinks this is what you want. I know he was the WS but in a very real way I feel for him as a man and a husband. Let him help you and thereby help himself too. You both need this.
Sorry, this time you lost me. He thinks what is what I want? can you be more explicit?
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:06 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Sorry, this time you lost me. He thinks what is what I want? can you be more explicit?
Every time he has offered to quit what has been your response? To tell him you can't afford it? To tell him he should wait until he has another job? You haven't told him its ok to quit. That is what he is waiting to hear even if he can't say it. Men don't want to appear to be weak. Men don't like to show emotion too much. He doesn't want you to think he can't handle it because he believes that he will look weak in your eyes. Most times when a workplace affair happens the BS demands the WS quit the job or somehow get reassigned so there won't be any contact. You can't even demand NC because his job is contact. So he thinks the money he makes is your highest priority because you haven't told him to quit. I think he would have quit already but he is trying to give you what he thinks you want because you have essentially told him to keep working with the OW by not demanding he leave.
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:13 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Got it. That is not the most important thing. As I told you, I told him I dont need this fancy house, these things, I need you. He is the one concerned w/the finacial aspect more. He feels his obligation to provide for us heavily. Yes he will quit if its what I want but he is afraid to compound our stress with financial stress as well. He will do what I ask him to do. That is what he said. I think he would prefer to stay until he has something else.
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:16 PM   #95 (permalink)
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So is it your point that he wants me to essentially fight for him? By saying you get out no matter what? He wants me to demand it? To remove the choice from him?
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:32 PM   #96 (permalink)
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So is it your point that he wants me to essentially fight for him? By saying you get out no matter what? He wants me to demand it? To remove the choice from him?
All men feel its their duty to provide the best financial support they can for their families. When he sees you happy with the house and the material things he can provide he was proud and happy. He thinks that is what drives you so it is what drives him. He is torturing himself to continue to provide this level of financial security. If you tell him to quit he may be worried about the finances but inside he will be so relieved that he doesn't have to deal with her anymore and can begin to reconnect with you.

I am just a voice on the internet but if my opinion matters here it is. If he stays there you will lose him. Either to her, to resentment or to emotional indifference. And what will money mean then? Help him to release himself from this toxic situation.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:13 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Its a start of a new week here....ive been thinking about you and wondering if you have heard about the job yet?
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:12 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Its a start of a new week here....ive been thinking about you and wondering if you have heard about the job yet?
Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.

We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it.

Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:25 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.

We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it.

Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.
I kinda know how you feel. Have you read Not Just Friends? Because people work so closely together workplace affairs start off so innocently but escalate so damned quickly. When you think about it a company can be a little like a family or a small community so that familiarity can make it hard to maintain boundaries. That's not to say he should be given a pass. I joke around with my female supervisor a little but I make sure to keep things on a professional level nonetheless. Its a fine line and one that is easily crossed if you aren't watching yourself.

For the record I feel you and your husband are making the right decision. I know that must come as a surprise to you since I have never voiced my concerns about his job situation. Sorry, a little tongue in cheek there. Once he is no longer dealing with this on a daily basis I know you both are going to feel so much better and real healing can then begin.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:34 PM   #100 (permalink)
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I kinda know how you feel. Have you read Not Just Friends? Because people work so closely together workplace affairs start off so innocently but escalate so damned quickly. When you think about it a company can be a little like a family or a small community so that familiarity can make it hard to maintain boundaries. That's not to say he should be given a pass. I joke around with my female supervisor a little but I make sure to keep things on a professional level nonetheless. Its a fine line and one that is easily crossed if you aren't watching yourself.

For the record I feel you and your husband are making the right decision. I know that must come as a surprise to you since I have never voiced my concerns about his job situation. Sorry, a little tongue in cheek there. Once he is no longer dealing with this on a daily basis I know you both are going to feel so much better and real healing can then begin.
oh its ridiculous now b/c his mother is now not speaking to me at all. Why? Who knows but she wont. Not a word since he told her what he did. She told him that his 'orignal' family was basically more important anyway. Yesterday, she came to pick up our daughter to take her out for a bit and when she brought her back MIL sent little one in to ask daddy to come outside.... WTF? Just what we need, people stirring crap for us to deal with. AAHHHH. Yep she is the least of my problems but I just dont get people. And when she finds out he's gonna quit his job.....oh boy I really will be the bastard at the family reunion so to speak.

And just for the record, he wont be getting a pass b/c this A didnt 'just happen' he pretty much sought it. When I say he sought it , he knew he was over the line with her for a long time and kept pushing knowing it was going too far and that 1+1 would eventually =2. He should have shut it down but he chose to ramp it up. So there's ALOT of work to be done. I still dont understand why he chased the sh*t out of her when I was busting my a$$ at home to be good to him. Then I catch him and pretty much shut down and now he is all about me??? It just doesnt make sense. Its like he didnt want me when he had me but now that Im half checked out he's all in???

Last edited by canttrustu; 04-22-2012 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:40 PM   #101 (permalink)
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I know this is easier said than done - but try to just ignore MIL. Try not to get frustrated or aggravated (or at least not to let anyone see it). The more reaction you give her the more you'll feed it. Focus on you and your H. I think y'all are making the right decision to move on job wise regardless of how this new one pans out. Marriage trumps job.

Still keeping them crossed for you. Keep us posted.

Btw. It is UFB that your MIL is acting that way. Just try to grin and bear that part of all this.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:54 PM   #102 (permalink)
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Well its still Sunday here so not yet. GGGRRR! Hoping for good news tomorrow.

We have decided that he has to leave this job right now either way. So I really hope he gets this one. Im just so annoyed to even be in this position. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is that he didnt consider WHO she was while doing this(Or better yet just not done it at ALL). Her postition in the company(CFO) leaves him kinda screwed. He has a high level position as well but ultimately she 'outranks' him if push comes to shove(and it often has). So today Im struggling with the "OH my GOD you big dumbass" mindset everytime I look at him. THis has cost us in more ways than we can count. And I can only imagine there's more ways this will effect us yet to come. I just dont understand it.

Sorry, feeling angry(and sad) today. Im having alot of this feeling of hollowness. Thats the only way I can describe it...hollow.
Can't, i understand how frustrating this situation must be for you but i just wanted to say please do not lose sight as to how far you have come.

Remember to be thankful and praise God that your husband is coming out of the fog. The fact that he even offered to quit his job means that he is fully aware of what he has done, how much he hurt you and he wants to save your marriage alongside you. This itself is a blessing and i would give anything to be in your position right now.

This new job opportunity is God opening a new door for you, for a fresh new start and beginning. So keep praying and don't lose hope.

Im not sure if you are a christian or not, but i would like to share a little scripture that i feel really speaks to me today:

Psalm 37:1-8 NLT

Don't worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong.

For like grass, they soon fade away, like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him & He will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon day sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.

Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper - it only leads to harm.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:02 PM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!

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I know this is easier said than done - but try to just ignore MIL. Try not to get frustrated or aggravated (or at least not to let anyone see it). The more reaction you give her the more you'll feed it. Focus on you and your H. I think y'all are making the right decision to move on job wise regardless of how this new one pans out. Marriage trumps job.

Still keeping them crossed for you. Keep us posted.

Btw. It is UFB that your MIL is acting that way. Just try to grin and bear that part of all this.
I will ignore her however I feel like HE needs to deal with her. Its about showing me some respect I would not allow my parents to treat H like that especially when I had done something wrong. Oh well, we'll see I guess.

What I care most about is ridding our lives of HER(OW). That is my primary goal in life. Especially since she has fished in the last couple of weeks once and called when she didnt really have to(so Im suspicious about that too). I think she is trying to inch her way a bit again. I just cant allow that to happen. Fool me once...
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:11 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Can't, i understand how frustrating this situation must be for you but i just wanted to say please do not lose sight as to how far you have come.

Remember to be thankful and praise God that your husband is coming out of the fog. The fact that he even offered to quit his job means that he is fully aware of what he has done, how much he hurt you and he wants to save your marriage alongside you. This itself is a blessing and i would give anything to be in your position right now.

This new job opportunity is God opening a new door for you, for a fresh new start and beginning. So keep praying and don't lose hope.

Im not sure if you are a christian or not, but i would like to share a little scripture that i feel really speaks to me today:

Psalm 37:1-8 NLT

Don't worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong.

For like grass, they soon fade away, like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him & He will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noon day sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.

Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper - it only leads to harm.
I am really glad the fog has lifted. I think it happened a couple of months ago. He has offered to quit before. I do think he really wants to "make this right by me"(his words). He said last night and I think it was the sweetest thing he has EVER said, he said " Its a fvckin' job. I can get another. All i want is to do whatever it takes for you to give me 'that look' again someday". I hope he's telling me the truth. I hope more than anything Ive ever hoped for in my life.


Its been a long time since Ive had someone say they'd give anything to be in my shoes. A really long time. And I still dont want to be in them. We have so far to go. So very far. But we have come along a bit too.

Im so sorry your H hasnt come around. Things any better at all?

And I am absolutely a Christian and Thanks for the encouraging psalm.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:59 PM   #105 (permalink)
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I am really glad the fog has lifted. I think it happened a couple of months ago. He has offered to quit before. I do think he really wants to "make this right by me"(his words). He said last night and I think it was the sweetest thing he has EVER said, he said " Its a fvckin' job. I can get another. All i want is to do whatever it takes for you to give me 'that look' again someday". I hope he's telling me the truth. I hope more than anything Ive ever hoped for in my life.


Its been a long time since Ive had someone say they'd give anything to be in my shoes. A really long time. And I still dont want to be in them. We have so far to go. So very far. But we have come along a bit too.

Im so sorry your H hasnt come around. Things any better at all?

And I am absolutely a Christian and Thanks for the encouraging psalm.
I have not seen any changes in my situation....but i believe that God is working in my life.

What your husband said to you was incredibly sweet and I am so happy that you are finally in that stage of healing and recovery for your marriage. Yes you still have a long way to go but dont lose sight of the fact that you have also come a long way from the beginning of this journey until now.

Don't give up. I hope your marriage will continue on the right track.
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