04-12-2012, 03:18 PM
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#142 (permalink)
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| Member
Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Washington
Posts: 165
|  Re: Fog
Being in the “fog” was excruciating for me because I knew I was not acting like myself; yet I didn’t stop because I was so consumed in this secret second life I had just created. It was a win/lose situation. I felt such an incredible high every time I would hear from the OM and on the other side of the continuum I was incredible confused/lost and always feeling an incredible amount of guilt knowing what I was doing was wrong wrong wrong; although it felt so right at the time. I would rationalize to myself on a daily basis as to why I could keep contact and still work on my currently situation with my husband. Being in a fog caused me to have absolutely no compassion and love for my husband when he was in agonizing pain due to my affair. I would sit with my husband and talk to him about everything, but mentally I was not there. Just my body. My every thought was with the OM. The OM and I would even have conversations about how wrong it was to talk to each other and how I should stop if I love my husband or wanted to go about things the “right way” and I would agree and be good for days with NC and then I would contact him because I didn’t want to let go. I felt like I was a drug addict that couldn’t stop. It was nuts. I craved hearing his voice or even just a little text message. Just a simple text message would cure that craving. It makes complete since that it is exactly like an addiction. I finally had to tell myself over and over again that it is a FOG… I am being blindsided and my OWN mind is playing tricks on me. I realized that I had to quit trying to explain to myself just “why” I kept talking to the OM and blaming it on a lack of love for my husband because it would be the same if I was hooked on cocaine and trying to “explain” to myself what is wrong in my life that I can’t let go of cocaine. The problem is the addiction. The substance. Unless the substance is gone, there is no clear way to figure out what is truly the underlying problem.
My symptoms of the fog were:
no love for H, no compassion for H, no respect for H, constant obsessing thoughts of OM, rationalizing wrong-doings, focusing on negatives of H and our relationship, re-writing marital history, no concentration at work, highs from talking to OM, lies and deceit with no consequences besides my sanity and the cost of my husband’s soul… etc.. I could probably go on…
Parts of me still believe I am in the fog because of the lack of “romantic” feelings for my husband, but I feel like some things are coming back. I look at my husband and I can feel and pain and I want to hug him and comfort him. Before I could clearly see how broken and hurt he was but I was so cold and wouldn’t allow myself to reach out. I was brutal. It’s almost as if I knew I should comfort him but I just wouldn’t because I didn’t “feel” it. I also find myself thinking less and less of the OM and realizing that the disadvantages of leaving my marriage and starting a new unknown life greatly outweigh the advantages of staying and giving our marriage a fighting chance.
It comes down to yes, the fog is indeed real and extremely addictive. I saw the damage and pain I was causing but the thick fog was clouding my judgment and not allowing reality to set in. Overall, it was not worth it and I would do anything to take back what I had caused my husband, family, and friends.
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38Likes
as for the fog, you described it perfectly..I am so thankful to be back..literally here mentally and physically because like you I was sooo not here for a long time. I was soo distracted by the OM
