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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-10-2012, 07:42 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
Thanks for your help..

I want to be incouraged, I heard his words, seen his reactions, and felt that it was finally a ounce of truth coming from him...but I have been lied, and munipliated so much... well I even second guess what I felt in my heart.. If that makes any sense?

The thing is.. I MEANT what I said to him.. I have the right to choose for myself rather to continue with the marriage or not based of the truth. Not based of lies just so I am munipliated into staying in a the marriage out of his fear of loosing me.. I have the right to choose to continue or walk away. I didnt say I do to him based of mutiplations and lies. I freely chose to say I do to him out of love. I want our marriage to continue with me freely choosing to stay and that can only happen if I am told the truth and I choose to stay out of love. If he lies, then he isnt giving me the chance to freely love him and honestly move forward with our life.. I asked him if that is really how he wants our marriage to continue, him knowing that he muniplitaed me into staying and then how would he ever really know if I stayed out of love or was it because he lied so much and made me stay in a marriage that wasnt real anymore but he made it real by lies..would he honestly feel wonderful about our marriage years from now, would he never question that? I simply said, I have the right to choose to stay for love based of truth or stay because I was made to beleive lies where truth!!!

So you say watch his actions, as in what?
But, I have so many questions still, but how to proceed, do I space them out, ask all at once or just give some more time... But the I could tell that today was the fist honest answers I had gotten from him.... And I do feel that as he said, he had a deep fog. The thing is, he had no idea that there really is such thing as the Affair fog, he was trying to explain to me how he felt at the time, and he happened to explain it to me as if he had a thick fog, but jesus pulled him out.


I guess I should just breath a slight bit only a very tiny bit easier now that I have seen the tip of the iceburge??? But then again, I dont know, its been along painfull time in my life, so I question everything...
As for the questions, ask them as often as you need to. Just do so calmly. If you feel you are getting obsessive over questioning (it can happen very easily) set aside time each week to ask questions. Something like every Thursday at 8pm for one hour I will ask questions. When I say watch him just observe. If he starts sneaking around be aware of it. He has offered you access to his phone. Check it if you want. You are right that if he wanted to continue an affair he could. He could no doubt cover his tracks very well. But eventually he would slip up. A guilty look, a hesitation, whatever. You'll know if you are watching. But I would be cautiously optimistic. If you feel you don;t have the truth you could always ask him to take a polygraph test to verify what he's told you. You need to do what makes you comfortable in the relationship. And you are correct. There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. You can choose to end the marriage any time you want. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You will be ok no matter what happens.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:46 PM   #122 (permalink)
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I wish I could put into words how much CSS means to me but I dont think there is anything proper in the English language to decribe how much I care for her.I'd do a cannonball into that lava with a smile on my face if it would keep her from any harm.
When I think about it,that would probably be easier than going through all this crap but I know it will never happen again and she is doing a fantastic job with both of us right now,she cares deeply.She's a good girl.
I've never had an adversary like the "fog" its one tough bastard.You cant hit it,beat it,shoot it or make it bleed.You have to outwit it and that is the bigest challenge I've ever had to face in my life.Thank God for this site and the people on it
You already whipped its a$$ calvin. CSS is standing side by side with you again. She is going to be stronger than ever. You are going to be stronger than ever. And most important your marriage is going to be stronger than ever. You guys are amazing.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:46 PM   #123 (permalink)
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I agree with Beowulf 1000%

Coming out from under the fog is a process but there seems to be a period where a lot of progress is made in a very short time. Sounds like that's where he is. He's not done but the worst may be behind him.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:42 PM   #124 (permalink)
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I agree with Beowulf 1000%

Coming out from under the fog is a process but there seems to be a period where a lot of progress is made in a very short time. Sounds like that's where he is. He's not done but the worst may be behind him.
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:46 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Yes a way to go,I feel its moving along a little quicker because all the help we have recieved,still a lot of work ahead but seems the foudation is firmly in place
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:46 PM   #126 (permalink)
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:33 PM   #127 (permalink)
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I agree with Beowulf 1000%

Coming out from under the fog is a process but there seems to be a period where a lot of progress is made in a very short time. Sounds like that's where he is. He's not done but the worst may be behind him.
I guess if there is a period were alot of progress is made in a very short amount of time like you say... well maybe I should prepare myself... this is the very first glimmer of hope I have had, and it was just a small step.. but a step none the less..of true honesty from him....but in order for true R, all of you have helped to understand the diffrence between true R and the false.. And at first yep it was a false.... and I didnt give-up, I ran that ugly A Marthon and I will not give-up until the finish line... Do I yet Know the outcome of the race? No, not yet! But who does until you cross the finish line!!!But at least I now KNow the diffrence between a false start and a real thing.. Thank you all!!!!!! you all have been a real blessing.. And I will still post, still going to need that advice BIG TIME!!!
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:38 PM   #128 (permalink)
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As for the questions, ask them as often as you need to. Just do so calmly. If you feel you are getting obsessive over questioning (it can happen very easily) set aside time each week to ask questions. Something like every Thursday at 8pm for one hour I will ask questions. When I say watch him just observe. If he starts sneaking around be aware of it. He has offered you access to his phone. Check it if you want. You are right that if he wanted to continue an affair he could. He could no doubt cover his tracks very well. But eventually he would slip up. A guilty look, a hesitation, whatever. You'll know if you are watching. But I would be cautiously optimistic. If you feel you don;t have the truth you could always ask him to take a polygraph test to verify what he's told you. You need to do what makes you comfortable in the relationship. And you are correct. There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. You can choose to end the marriage any time you want. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You will be ok no matter what happens.
Thanks, Beowulf...I needed some ways of handling it, I guess set some boundries for myself... You Know I wanted to rush into it and get all the truth at once.. but learnt here thats not a reality, or honestly possible... And the tips you give are great.... I am just starting the True R.. and I dont wanna spook him, and if I go at him full blast, no doubt it will... But I am so releived that maybe the True R has begun... keep your advice coming.. it is more than welcomed
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:44 AM   #129 (permalink)
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My wife has told me that she literally felt like a drug addict when she was in her affair. The brain chemical released is dopamine. Its the same chemical released when you do cocaine. That's why just like drug addicts people in affairs will do anything to feed their addiction. Although I've never experienced it myself I saw Morrigan going through the withdrawal symptoms. Its damned real.
Beowulf...
Damn I am glad I red these posts. Its the first glimmer of hope that I have had since I found out about my wifes affair with her boss. I will bother you with my story, please bear with me...
I discivered it 3 months ago, confronted with no real proof, went undeground, found another mailbox, confronted again with no real proof and she is in complete denial. All you say about fog is totally related to my situation I just dont know how to behave with her. Sometime I try, just try, the 180, then I just melt like a sorry a**h**. I try to take good care of our daughter (8yo) but she sees im behaving strange... My wife is going on a BT with her EA partner in a couple of weeks and I dont know what to do... I would really appreciate your input.
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:33 AM   #130 (permalink)
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The very first thing that cannot happen is that business trip, even if it cost her her job. If she leaves with the man she's having an EA with she'll return with the man she's having a PA with. Guaranteed. If the EA progresses to a PA your problems get a million times worse.

Tell her what you will and won't accept, what the consequences are then stick to it. As you've read in this thread, treat her just like a drug addict you are trying to get clean.

Regardless she cannot go on that trip. If she goes believing she can come back and still be married you might as well start setting the OM a plate at your table because he'll be a full on member of your marriage.
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:55 AM   #131 (permalink)
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The very first thing that cannot happen is that business trip, even if it cost her her job. If she leaves with the man she's having an EA with she'll return with the man she's having a PA with. Guaranteed. If the EA progresses to a PA your problems get a million times worse.

Tell her what you will and won't accept, what the consequences are then stick to it. As you've read in this thread, treat her just like a drug addict you are trying to get clean.

Regardless she cannot go on that trip. If she goes believing she can come back and still be married you might as well start setting the OM a plate at your table because he'll be a full on member of your marriage.
I have no way to stop it... She is in totl denial and my bringing the subject up just seems to make things worst. Plus they already were on BT together not long ago so it might already be a PA... Dont know what to do really... 180 is a solution but then we have the holidays with the kid planned etc... it just all so f*** up...
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Old 04-12-2012, 07:23 AM   #132 (permalink)
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If you have holidays planned, cancel them. Take your kids to a trip alone.

Tell her that this BT is unacceptable, and it's either you or him. (Yes I know you wouldn't).

Really, you are now like a shell-shocked soldier wandering on a minefield in front of all us here. We all know what you have to stop it, but you can't hear us.

Could you do me a favor? Go to the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, and slap your face hard. Cause I can't do it for you from here. Come to your senses!
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:04 AM   #133 (permalink)
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If you have holidays planned, cancel them. Take your kids to a trip alone.

Tell her that this BT is unacceptable, and it's either you or him. (Yes I know you wouldn't).

Really, you are now like a shell-shocked soldier wandering on a minefield in front of all us here. We all know what you have to stop it, but you can't hear us.

Could you do me a favor? Go to the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, and slap your face hard. Cause I can't do it for you from here. Come to your senses!
You are completely right - you have no way to stop it.

However.

You do have the ability to lay down and enforce consequences if she chooses to go. The question is what are those consequences that you are REALLY prepared to enforce? This is not a game of chicken. Only draw those lines in the sand that you intend to stand on. If you say something is going to happen and it doesn't she'll believe everything you say is empty.

Ultimately you can only control what you do and react to what she does. The sooner and more clearly you delineate to her what the relationship between her actions and yours will be the better chance you have of saving it - if that's what you really want when all the fit finally hits the shan.
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:46 AM   #134 (permalink)
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As an aside though - here's a perfect example of how quick it can flare back up. 8 months after my D day I received a friend request from a name I didn't recognize. Just a little bit of examination and I knew it was my AP under a made up facebook account. I figured, well I don't mind if she just keeps up with how I'm doing by watching my facebook page and we're not communicating so I accepted - STEP 1. That turned into post by each of us that to anyone other than the two of us were totally innocuous but were really messages between us of what we were up to - STEP 2. Then one day she opened a chat window between us and I chatted back - it was all platonic but it was damn sure contact at that point - STEP 3. Ironically out of the blue my wife asked me that night if I had received anything from my AP lately - I was so shocked and taken off guard I spit out "no" before I could help myself. So here's where I get to how many steps it takes. We went to bed that night and I knew that if I woke up the next morning with this secret and lie still in place that I was back in the affair - no doubt. So that's three steps into reconnecting and one more and I was back in - see what I mean? Fortunately like I said above it's really about what he wants. I didn't want back in - I wanted to be faithful and reconcile so I woke my wife up at 2:00am and told her about the friend request, the chat and the lie; and took the ass kicking she gave and I deserved.
I'm glad you mentioned this as I noticed interesting things on my bf's wall with his EA.

They both liked going to see indie bands. I noticed that she sometimes "liked" the bands that he mentioned on his wall. Then I noticed that she only liked the bands that he went to without me. Then I noticed that he mentioned 3 bands in one entry on his wall, one of which that I went with him. She liked it again.

The next month, my bf and I went to a concert which he didn't mention on his wall. I now know that within that week he went to a concert with his EA and he also didn't mention on his wall. 3 months later, he mentioned 2 concerts on his wall that he went to without me. No likes from her there. But when I read the e-mails between them, she did mention things like haven't heard or seen from you since.....so apparently she didn't go or maybe she just didn't like those bands.

Facebook behavior can be very interesting.
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:55 AM   #135 (permalink)
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Jobill,

Why should she give up her affair? She has her boss as a lover. She has her comfortable house. She has you to take care of the mundane things in her life like marriage and children so she can play. Tell me, why should she change a thing? She has it all right now.


You need to understand right now you have no leverage in the relationship. She is going to do whatever she wants because she knows there won't be any consequences. Unless you are willing to let your marriage go you cannot save it. If you read other threads on TAM that is the message you should take away. Here is your situation in a nutshell. If you do nothing and she goes on this business trip your marriage is over and done. It might take a few months after she comes back but its going to end. When someone is in the fog they will not listen to reason. They do not care about your feelings. They do not care about the feelings or the welfare of their children. They only care about the affair.

In order to shock them out of the fog they need a reality check. A wake up call that makes them see reality for what it is. In your case you have to file for divorce. It takes months for it to go through and you can cancel it at any time but she needs this slap in the face in order to get through to her. Tell her she WILL cancel her business trip. Tell her if she doesn't you WILL file for divorce while she is gone. Tell her your marriage WILL END if she goes. And mean it. If she does go, file for divorce. When she is served she will know you mean business. You have to show power and determination. She doesn't respect you. She looks at you like you are a child and her boss is GOD. Take the power back.

And do the 180 hard! She needs to see you are serious. She needs to be afraid of losing something. You can either heed the advice that you've been given or you can slowly watch your marriage die like so many others here on TAM have done. Check out some other threads. Many of the betrayed spouses that followed this advice saved their marriages. The ones that didn't saw their marriages die before their eyes. Its not a guarantee to work but its a guarantee that if you don't do this your marriage is over.
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