ilovechocolate

A question to the WS - have read loads about "The Fog" is it really that addictive? Do you really not see the damage and pain on the way? And when it s all over Was it really worth it?

Just cant understand how something built on lies and deception can be so "good"

Jellybeans

Yes, it's addictive as hell.

Dopamine high.

You see the damage...once reality hits.

Most people would say it's not worth it--but the ones that say that are the ones that truly want their marriage to work and/or don't like that it happened. Some say it was worth it (Brangelina is an example).

ilovechocolate

thank you for answering - my H said he could nt help himself - he even broke it off twice and twice went back . . .He said he would be driving over there feeling guilty as he went to meet her but would still go to her house.

Ingalls

Do you and your H talk about this during MC sessions or just at anytime?

ilovechocolate

We do talk about it but as a BS it hard to understand the way the mind of a WS works being able to pick the brains of people on here to validate what he tells me helps

Pit-of-my-stomach

brutally addictive.

if you've seen that thread & link in my signature below about fog (never say never), you'll see its got several links in it that refer to acticles on the addictive properties of dopamine.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

working_together

The fog I was in was the craziest state I've ever been in, I was totally clueless to everything in my life and what was important. I was all about feeding my addiction. The pain I caused, well, you can just imagine. I kicked my ex out just before x-mas, lied to him about having an AP, didn't care that the guy was married and had a family.

And now???? Totally not worth it, if only I had not been so cowardly, I would have just ended a crappy marriage, or at least had some leverage to make my ex understand that we needed counseling, but I lost all that with my affair.

I can't even remember what the hell I was thinking, how heartless and cruel I was to someone I supposedly loved.

It exists.

My AP was even more in the fog than I was, and asked me to marry him once, a detail no one knows.

sigma1299

I'll third Pit and Jellybeans response. I would never have believed it had I not experienced it. Rationally it makes no sense but it's true nonetheless.

__________________
**Cheaters - Read This**

sigma1299

My married with two kids AP asked me to marry her also. Despite the fact that I was also married with two kids. Nothing erases reality in favor of fantasy like affair fog.

__________________
**Cheaters - Read This**

Ingalls

Good. I should have been more clear on "why" I was asking: I didn't know if he said he didn't know what he was doing just in normal discussions with you or if a counselor drew it out of him? Just curious!

[we just aren't to the point yet of details and/or how he felt and I'm anxious to get there is all ]

Nice to hear sigma, jelly and others confirm what the books are saying is true.

ilovechocolate

Yes, it does help so much coming on here and talking to people in the same situation .

Affaircare

I'll jump in and confirm as well. And what kills me now is that I *knew* about how affairs work and everything, and STILL did it anyway!

Here's what I can say about my personal fog. The way it begins is usually slow enough that you don't think it's dangerous. My personal weakness was that we had a miscarriage and then found out we couldn't have kids, and in the aftermath of that, our sex life died down and I felt ignored. Well, I didn't want to be a dried up old prune yet, and the OM acted like I was interesting and fresh. I was weak in the sense that I should have been personally aware enough to know that was a weakspot for me, and I didn't protect myself or my marriage from it.

So what happens is that day-by-day small lines are crossed (and justified) and day-by-day the loyal spouse may see things but the disloyal just doesn't. I know for me, it's not like I hold ANYTHING back now or try to even cover myself, and yet I just do not remember every detail and can't piece together every date and minute. I remember it more like I remember everything.

BUT for me the one thing that really snapped me out of it and was the end was that one day, I *saw* my Dear Hubby. Before that it was like he was around but I could not see his face. I think I just came around the corner and caught him when I wasn't trying to "not see" him and he wasn't trying to be strong in front of me (or whatever)...and I *SAW* the grief and sorrow and hurt in his eyes and on his face and MAN! I just couldn't do that to him! I knew it would be hard--like drug withdrawal--but I couldn't keep going.

Sooo... I stopped. And I didn't stop "all at once" but the first day was NC with the OM...the next day NC with friends who knew us...the next day NC with online friends and so on. Not that I drew it out or tried to still hear about him, but I didn't think at the time "Oh hey--I also need to block every one of my old friends. Oh hey--I also need to block facebook. Oh hey I also need to change my email."

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

Beowulf

My wife has told me that she literally felt like a drug addict when she was in her affair. The brain chemical released is dopamine. Its the same chemical released when you do cocaine. That's why just like drug addicts people in affairs will do anything to feed their addiction. Although I've never experienced it myself I saw Morrigan going through the withdrawal symptoms. Its damned real.

Wolfgar

The fog is a frightening experience. You get to witness the person you love transform into a cold heartless monster, welling to throw everything that matters in your life away for short term excitement

But almost always, after the fog clears and the person you remember returns...they have no explanation for it. Instead the pain and scars from their selfish actions forever remain...

Lone Star

Thanks for the explaination Wolfgar. My STBXH acts as if me and ours sons don't exist. That has been so mind blowing and frustrating for me. Two of the boys have said to hell with him and the third is trying but gets no real conversation from him other than the standard how was your day crap. I hope that I never experience fog, it appears that people that do have no idea of the damage and pain they are causing. I just thought maybe the STBXH was a cold heartless monster that doesn't care. Maybe he is.