This forum is beginning to take it toll, there is not one of you that can truly understand the total dynamics of our relationship. There are so many little factors that have added up and set us up for where were are standing right now.
The main problem is myself. Sean sees this, that is why he has stuck by me throughout the despicable things i have done to him, which he has addressed he has also done his own share, which in turn don't even come close to comparing to the things have done to him.
We were young and immature when we began our journey, and threw ourselves full force into our "big boy" shoes if you will, so we have endured sooooo many twists and turns that have impacted our relationship over the years, some good and some bad.
Right now i feel like mainly we are faced with what is the best route for me to fix my own problems first, may be without sean, he has always been there holding me up, i feel like i need to learn how to stand on my own two feet, face my problems and stare them in the face. something i have never done, i've been able to brush my problems aside and hide under the blanket of sean and my kids. If this path ends up helping our marriage, than wonderful, if not, then maybe we can at least move forward with our lives and find happiness.
I do love sean, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But he does not deserve to suffer the pain i have caused him and my family.
So instead of divorcing him you're just draggin him along.
That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.
I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.
That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.
I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.
It was more of a question, I forgot to add question mark at the end.
You guys are not really reconciling, you're in limbo. Either Sean lets up a little with all the interrogating and tries to put this behind him or you'll be in this position for the foreseeable future.
Lynn, I truly believe that you're repentant and remorseful for your actions. Sean even admitted this on here and he concedes that his constant interrogating is not helping. He has to find a mechanism to control his triggers. If he doesn't, he'll maintain this love/hate relationship and you guys will go nowhere relationship-wise.
Its absolute natural for Sean to have questions, doubts, triggers etc. It’s only a few months since the R. And we all know that this man went through a hell. Remember the night with the rain, when Sean was in the taxi with the kid at his arms agonizing and crying? Well she was with OM and actually did it. Under the circumstances I cannot understand how she even had the ability to enjoy the act.
And remember the reason she wanted to return to her H was that OM left her alone the very next day, after the act she enjoyed with OM. Under her writing and public confession here this was the only reason - nothing else. And she was also the one that even called police against her H and had them in their home, opening another bunch of problems for Sean. Thank God we don't have the same legislation in Europe (except UK). She is not able to understand how much her H loves her, wants to have him demonstrate that nothing happened and she is not tolerating his agonies, questions and thoughts. Sorry Lynnie for this, until now i was happy with your outcome but i think that y r trying to find en exit from your M, this time for H's "good". Its a mistake Lynnie. Time will tell.
At this point, it is more of "Who is less worse of the two" TBH. And to say Sean is much less worse than Lynnie doesn't say much about him either.(Deal's off if he abused you physically. ) . Sounds like a broken and toxic relationship.
I also don't think lynnie21 is in love with Sean. Not even close. Both of them have some sort of f*cked up codependent ecosystem running between them.
he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex.
I've honestly retyped this multiple times. The actions, the cruelty and the blatant disregard for each other throughout your entire relationship completely boggles my mind.
I am left with one question... what, out of this entire mess, is worth fighting for?
The wall so to speak is the fact that she threw me and our family away to be with a married man. When the OMs wife found out, he immediately dumped my wife and went back to his family. Why couldn't she have done this, it would be so much easier to R? I remember her calling him a coward bc he choose his family over her. So the wall is feeling like Shes with me bc she can't have him. How is she supposed to change that.
well this is the crux of it , isn't it?
Lynn-
Sean was made to feel like second choice/back up plan/plan B/etc and rightfully so
And unlike playground antics, there is no "takebacksies"
He needs to know why he was 2nd choice then (please note that your reasons aren't excuses for your behavior) and why he isn't now and you have to swallow that big old horsepill of pride and demonstrate to him in every which way that he is the priority of your life, your love, your soulmate, etc etc
I know that I needed it during my R, I know I needed answers, I also know that I wanted those answers over and over again.
I'm a WS also. My wife actually met the OW when I was at her place (awkward and one of the worst moments of my life). The OW never knew I was married so it was all on me.
At that point was I ready to leave my wife, YES. She was 2nd choice at that point and I won't lie. It took another 2-3 weeks before my wife finally threw me out of the house and it was only then that I was able to think clearly enough and see what I was doing with my life.
There was alot of heavy lifting on my part.
If my wife wanted to know something I told her, never once did I say just let it go, it's over already and let's move on (ok, not gonna lie, it did come out 2 or 3 times during heated arguments).
If she was mad I ate my pride and took the anger she directed towards me. But there is a fine line between helping them through their anger and abuse though and that's gonna have to be on you to decide what your tolerance is.
It's easy to sit in self pity and think what have I done and shut down. But if you truly love your husband you'll make that extra effort to show him that you do love him.
In the short run (umm, short run could be years btw, took my wife 2-3 years to finally stop being paranoid that I might be cheating again) you're gonna have to swallow your pride. I know it's hard but that's the price you have to pay for what we did to our spouses.
If you're still thinking about me, me, me only and maybe a little bit about your husband's feelings then it's over and you cannot or do not want to put the extra effort into fixing the marriage.
Right now, you're gonna have to put 200% into the marriage if he's given you a 2nd chance. If you think putting 90% or even 100% is more than enough, you're in for a rude awakening when he walks out one day.
And yes, this will always come up through the years. When you both get into a heated argument, something always slips out once in a while (mostly from the WS). BTW if you're the one that might let something slip in an argument, here's a piece of advice, just keep your mouth shut, close your eyes and count to 10 before opening your mouth.
When something to the effect comes out like
Well, she isn't like you and riding my @ss all the time.
That = pissed off wife for a very long time.
I think she didn't say a word to me for like 2 months after that bone headed remark from me. And that was about a year or so after d-day.
As to being pissed at the OM, how being pissed at yourself instead and looking inwards to find out why and make sure it doesn't happen again.
I screwed up, I cheated on my wife, I treated her like crap for months, I was the worst husband for a very long time, etc..
Now, I'm doing my best to be the best husband there is, I'm gonna make that extra effort and extend the white flag to her at times even though I'm right, I'm gonna be the one to stand in front of her in a hail or bullets, I'm gonna be the one to tell her to STFU if she's pissing me off...
Oh wait, forget about that last one, wasn't supposed to be one of the things I still do sometimes
If anyone can remember, i know it is a long shot. But sean wasn't honest with me about his past A when he told everyone he came clean, please look to my new thread. Please help me, im feeling lost right now. He went back and edited these threads from 5 months ago, 2 days ago. When he found out that i was going back through them to read how he felt back then he went back through them.
That's a real jerk thing to say, no i am not dragging him along. If you want to look at it like that, why would i put myself through what i go through on a daily basis if i was "dragging him along", because it sure as he** is not fun for me either, relieving the biggest mistake of my life, and watching and feeling my family's pain. think before you open your mouth. please.
I am here for help, guidance, others perspectives, not smart a$$ comments.
Because OM thrown you under the bus and you want the safety of your marriage and your selfishness, fear of being alone without anyone there to support you. Else why you want to be with a person you hated, thrashed, abused and treated like a cuckold?
You are really lucky, sean took you back even after your horrible betrayal!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you got back the security blanket of your marriage you dont want him to ask any questions. want him to get over it and act like nothing happened REALLY? wah, you are yet not aware of the intensity of the pain you caused, you are only saying blah blah blah, I dont think that you are truly remorseful or truly in love with him. what a great understanding and caring companion he got!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you really want to be with him, wht you are doing now is not enough. better go through the treads of working together or cantsitstill or pidge, you can see what they did to earn back the trust and stability in their marriage back.
In turn she kicked her husband out that afternoon as well. So my affair partner and i met up talked about all that had happened had drinks, decided we were going to stay the night together at a hotel, and then went out to dinner. I didnt realize my husband still had GPS on my phone still, and after the fact i found out he had followed us to the restaurant and watched us, and followed us back to the hotel tried to confront us before we went into the hotel but got caught in traffic. he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex.
wow! that is the most despicable thing i have EVER heard. you're scanless!
what kind of a mother does this?
that there tells me loads about what kind of woman you are. your kids were outside waiting for you, and still you did what you did..... you're damaged goods lady. no way i'd ever take you back.
your kids were outside waiting for mommy, and you abandoned your duties as a mother right there and then-- OMFG!!!
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Re: need help with the aftermath 
