About 4 months ago i had an affair with a married man, I am also married, it lasted total about a month. My husband and i are trying to work on things and fix the problems, but it feels like we keep going around in circles and aren't moving forward, one step forward and two steps back. he keeps asking me why i did it and i cant seem to give him a good answer. Here is a summery of the situation.
I have been with my husband since we were 17, we had our first child when we were 18 got married at 21, second child at 22 and we are now 27. I have always worked and supported our family while my husband worked on finishing up his degree, which has taken longer than expected. since last may i have worked as a bartender at a bar/restaurant. We seemed to be the happiest we have ever been, but i feel like the weight of all the burdens and stress of life began to wear on me and last fall i began a flirtatious relationship with a regular bar guest. His wife had just had their second child, and a week later my husband found a job out of state and went away to work. While he was gone i went on three dates with my affair partner and was intimate with him, (did not have sex). I told my husband over the phone, he could tell something was going on because i was acting so different. I had promised him it was over and we would talk and work on things. The next day i lied to him again and went to go see the other man and was sexual with him. My husband came home the next morning, i immediately lied but he knew, then i told him the truth. I took that following week off of work and spent the week "working" on things with my husband, the next week the other man came into my work and i told him i couldn't talk to him anymore and not to come up to my work, the next day he come up again, then again the next day, all it took was his persistence and i was back in, he told me i was important to him, said what i wanted to hear and the next week i thought i could be sneaky and i went after work to have a drink with him and lied to my husband about it. He knew because he had tracking on my phone i didnt realize, and he kicked me out of the house that night. I could have gone to my dads to sleep but instead i slept in my car, the next day i wen to a pay phone to call the other man and tell him all that happened. My husband found a few addresses and hunted out his house, he found it and my affair partners mom answered the door with his newborn baby, my husband got to meet. His mom gave my husband the OM wife's phone number he left their house and called her and told her everything ( i was honest to my husband in the meantime about all the details of the affair). In turn she kicked her husband out that afternoon as well. So my affair partner and i met up talked about all that had happened had drinks, decided we were going to stay the night together at a hotel, and then went out to dinner. I didnt realize my husband still had GPS on my phone still, and after the fact i found out he had followed us to the restaurant and watched us, and followed us back to the hotel tried to confront us before we went into the hotel but got caught in traffic. he couldn't get in the hotel so he called the cops on me. the cops knocked at the hotel door, pulled me aside and told me my husband and kids are outside and he wants me to come out and talk, i refused and told them to tell him to take our kids home and put them to bed because it was a school night. That night my affair partner and i had sex. the next day i went to work, i talked to my AP once and he said that his wife wanted to have late lunch and talk about things. I got back to the hotel room after work and all his things were gone, talked to him after that and he cried to me and said he was sorry that it was so hard and he couldn't be away from his daughter, he asked me to call him in the morning. The next morning i called him and he said he would rather be with me than his wife but he didn't know what to do right now, i told him not to call me again or ever show up at my work again (things which him and his wife had already decided im sure). That was the last time i have talked to him.
Since then my husband and i have been on an insane roller coaster and i feel like there is no way he will ever be able to forgive me for what i've done, I dont think i would even forgive me. Or that he will ever be able to look at me the same. Please help, any advice from people who have been in similar situations?
4 months is an incredibly short time to get over an affair, usually these things take at-least 5 years to recover from. I don't understand how you expect him to be over it so quickly after he confronted you before you had sex with the other man but you still went ahead and did it? That's just unrealistic.
You have to have alot more remorse and patience than this if you want to save this relationship. Your husband is going through pure agony right now.
What have you actually done to earn his forgiveness? All I read here is how at every turn you chose to betray your marriage.
You even had the gall to have sex with the scum bag OM while your husband and kids sat in the car outside the hotel. Please explain how you were able to get inthe mood with them sitting outside? What kind of twisted values does it take to get off with your kids waiting outside in the car hoping mom isn't a skank. Perhaps you had the cops explain the facts to him and the kidson why you had the right to use the cops to drive them off do you could cheat thst night.
It also sounds like you would still be cheating if the OM hadn't thrown you under the bus. Real nice guy btw, have a new born kid while bonking you. Yep, a real keeper there!
So what have you done since all this to earn a second chance? Posted via Mobile Device
-Clearly i do not expect him to "get over" it by any means. All I meant by that is that it is hard to see how it is even possible. Every single day it feels like it is the same conversations over and over about the details, ect.
-i dont see why it would matter if my husband posted on this forum or not, or what relevance that would have to anything, but yes.
-I know what I did was utterly horrible and disgusting. I do realize that. I am not posting on here to have other people verify how disgusting it was, I am asking for some help to get through this with my husband.
The troubling part here is she clearly is only with Sean because the OM ditched her. She was willing to give up her husband and kids for a slime ball that would cheat on his wife who was home caring for his new born. What kind of filth is the OM that he would do that? And how could the OP possibly be attracted to something that borders on pure evil. Posted via Mobile Device
Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with your horrible personal boundaries and your ability to even be attracted to something as awful as the OM?
Btw, I have a lot of respect for your husband. He took the lies he was being fed and turned it around on the OM. The OM had been preying on his wife and family without any consequences or care for the children he was hurting. Your husband proved who the real man was and took scumbag down.
For starters you should be applauding your husbands tenacity and balls. He did quit you, even though you had chosen to lie and walk away from him and the kids. Your husband is damn fine father and man.
You also need to admit and mean it,that this OM is a walking trash can of morals. Posted via Mobile Device
-Clearly i do not expect him to "get over" it by any means. All I meant by that is that it is hard to see how it is even possible. Every single day it feels like it is the same conversations over and over about the details, ect.
So you're at your wits end and can't cope with the constant interrogations? That's perfectly understandable, from his point of view, the wounds are still fresh and some wounds never heal to be honest.
In my opinion there isn't a way to go about this unless you demand he go easy with all the questioning without looking like you want him to get over it. I actually told this to Sean, I told him if you know she's remorseful and wants to work on things you have to cut her some slack otherwise you're not reconciling.
Ok, so why do you think he keeps interrogating you? What does he think is missing? Details? Your tre reasons? Or perhaps he is hoping to break through to you and get you to meaningfully see who awful the OM is and for you to realize the you should be fighting fr you husband as hard as he fought for you.
Have you come back to him and made him your priority? Have you put your energy and passion into him? Have you fought for him? Posted via Mobile Device
Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with your horrible personal boundaries and your ability to even be attracted to something as awful as the OM?
Btw, I have a lot of respect for your husband. He took the lies he was being fed and turned it around on the OM. The OM had been preying on his wife and family without any consequences or care for the children he was hurting. Your husband proved who the real man was and took scumbag down.
For starters you should be applauding your husbands tenacity and balls. He did quit you, even though you had chosen to lie and walk away from him and the kids. Your husband is damn fine father and man.
You also need to admit and mean it,that this OM is a walking trash can of morals. Posted via Mobile Device
You are not being helpful, clearly the OM is a trash can, and my husband is amazing which i stupidly clouded myself from. We are trying to work on things and nothing your saying is helpful, your just stating the obvious.
Ok, so why do you think he keeps interrogating you? What does he think is missing? Details? Your tre reasons? Or perhaps he is hoping to break through to you and get you to meaningfully see who awful the OM is and for you to realize the you should be fighting fr you husband as hard as he fought for you.
Have you come back to him and made him your priority? Have you put your energy and passion into him? Have you fought for him? Posted via Mobile Device
He is my priority, i have also given him every disgusting detail he has asked for, again and again and it hurts everytime. He fought for me when he knew he lost me, and now i dont know how i am supposed to "fight" for him. The ups and downs every day are so difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally, we will be so happy one minute and then in the next breath we are taking about how i lied and deceived him so horribly. I dont even feel like i could forgive me for what ive done if i was him.
On the topic of revisiting and talking about what you did. Have you simply tried a simple "Yes I did, and I completely regret doing that" each and every time it comes up. Don't engage in discussion, exploration etc. Just put it out there as a truth between the two of you. No debate on either side.
follow it up with "But, I'm here now and I'm here to make tomorrow much much better than that"
35Likes
need help with the aftermath 
