long distance affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-02-2009, 11:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default long distance affair

OK, here goes. In summary, about 12 years ago on a dare from co workers my wife contacted an old flame. She had preveously told me while we were dating that she had been very much in love with this person, but one day he just left,joined the army, and never told her or contacted her again. So back to the begining..She did call this person on the dare, talked with him, they connected verbally. Over the next month her behavior changed around me and the house. Ibegan catching her up way early on the computer, or very late at night. at first I did not think much, since she was back in college getting another degree, but then it seemed to be an obsession with her, every day, she was distant, even no connect on on wedding aniversary.
I was on the computer one day cleaning up filkles, then found many,many internedt history to a msn mail account. This struck me as very odd, since we had an e mail account. I snooped and then found it to be a hidden e mail account that she had been aacommunicating with this person almost every other day for about a month. He even sent her porn and scanned photos of himself. This person lives about 12 hours drive from us so I was not concerned about a physical relationship, but was very hurt, ened up on meds for the anxiety, and confronted her with these facts. She lied and said they were just old friends connecting. I called him and confronted him. Same story here. My wife said that she would not contact him any more, that there was not an issue.

There have been one more time that I found out she was talking to him. About a year and half ago she got a new cell, and I was programming it and transfering the contacts for her, then I found his information again. I blew uo! The intimate betrayal hurts so bad. My wife will not talk to me, nor tell me what is bothering her, I assume this is due to her long distance intamacy with this guy. We went to marraige councling and she insisted that they were just pen pals. again, there is half the country between us. I did on line search and found his contact info, even for his wife.

Last week I was putting laundry away and found all this stuff. All his contact info, naked photos she saved of him on a disc, and even printed directions to his home, 11 1/2 hour drive it said. the date on the print out was just after I caught and confronted her. I just sat on this info.
I also know that she has received calls on her cell in the past month from this guy, as our teen age daughter has had usage issues andI have been checking that on line. I do not think my wife has a clue that it list each and every call for all of our phones. So, I have a file that proves she is still talking allot to this guy.

Every time my wife has a breakdown and we do try to talk, she just say's she can't have what she wants. I think she is still in love with this guy, and they want each other, but that just my gut.

Friday I lost my job. I am home starting today collecting Unempployment. I think she knows I found the items, and does not know what to do, because this time I have kept quiet. I am just sitting on the info.
I want this to stop, and I want revenge

HELP. I just do not know what to do here. We have a family, and a good life together for the most part.
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Old 03-02-2009, 03:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
Ted
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Default Re: long distance affair

DB, I'm very sorry for your pain, and now job loss. I have recently gone through something similar, but my wife was able to come clean to me about everything, including an affair. It has been the worst time of my life, but we are healing from this.

From this post and one of your others, It's my impression that she is dealing with a lot of guilt from this, but at the same time wants to live in this fantasy world she has created online with TOM. Until she can be totally open, I'm not sure you will be able to move forward.

I had one question on the time line. You said she made contact 12 years ago? Has it been going on this entire time? Or just on again off again? or just started up recently again?

My advice would be to confront her, and tell her that you need her to be honest and share everything (be ready for the worst, even with 12 hours apart, she may have hooked up with him. My wife's partner lived 6hours away from us, but they managed to meet while I was totally oblivious)

I wish you the best
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Old 03-02-2009, 05:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: long distance affair

Thanks Ted, as far as I know it has been on and off, but I think that If my wife wanted to hide it from me, she is smart enoigh to do that. As of right now, I feel that it has been going on the whole time. right now the evidence that I have would suggest that she started back up in spring of 07 and the two calls logged on the cell account last month. I feel that I have been just a dumb smuck at this point.
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
Ted
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Default Re: long distance affair

Well I know it probably doesn't help, but I think everyone on this board who has been cheated on (physically or emotionally) feel like "dumb schmucks" too. I know I did.

I hope you can get to the truth, so that you can either rebuild your marriage, or worst case scenario, decide it's not worth saving.
Either way that decision is much easier to make once you know the truth.
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