We are here to deal with infidelity but for a good part of the cases, actually we are dealing with a mental or personality disorder as the leading cause, mainly effecting the betrayer but also the betrayed.
I'd like to start a conversation about how these disorders lead to infidelity and what the possible outcomes would be under the effects of these disorders and how to deal with those.
Borderline, manic-depressive, narcicisstic, obsessive, compulsive,............and more.
Personality disorders ..... there are so many different ones, it's almost as if everybody could fall under one of the headings for something. Whenever a girlfriend of mine leaves a man, she cops the "oh, you're just crazy. I've always known you had bi-polar etc'. We ALL have issues, unless there are obvious signs and you are actually diagnosed, some symptoms are personality TRAITS. It's not always a disorder. But everything gets labelled these days.
I think a true disorder/mental illness ... it all depends. My mother is most of those you listed above. I am OCD. High anxiety. It affects my life at times but it doesn't affect my morals.
Do you mean is it an excuse for cheating? How would you handle it? I guess it depends on how much of the behaviour is genuinely out of the control of the person.
One counselor on a tv show said all cheaters were narcicisstic. I would say most are since they are so self absorbed. To the point that spouses and childrenare given no real consideration. Its all about them.
My wife had affairs with eight other guys, during our 22 years together which I am just learning during the last two weeks. I knew only two of them before.
Only threee involved some emotional connection in between my wife and the OM. One was LOVE, according to her, lasted for five months. Other was an ex, there was not much of anything left but just some body memory was involved. Third one had started in a political forum, turned to an online affair, then turned to a one week f*ck fest. She didn't find him physically atractive, no brain chemistry for her at all after meeting him in person, but went ahaed and let him have herself as a concubine for a week.
For the other five, she had sex only once with all five, she got bored during her time with them leading to sex, during the sex, did'nt enjoy the sex, she left after the sex and did't pursued the guys before or after and same for the guys, don't remember the names of some of them..
She said she had sex with those guys, just because she just can not say NO.
Consider that she is telling the truth for a moment. Her case requires more than, lack of morals, boundaries, giving in easely, disregarding all consequences, because she is a sex junkie, problems with her marriage, etc...None explains those.
I believe that for the most part, just enjoying the sex or exchanging sex for some attention from the guys does not explain her behaivour.
Some of us may be really deep in some disorder issue.
I need to add low IQ and low EQ to the subject. My wife has the best resume you could see if you judge her by just that but stil I believe she has a low IQ regarding some very vital parts of human intelligence.
I used to but quit about two months ago. She was too and she also quited after her counseler said that "thats about it".
Your story is a hard one to swallow. Do you think two months was enough? Seems like you need much more then that, to first get yourself back, then see your options for marriage.
As someone who has recently split from a woman who probably has borderline personality disorder (see my thread on this tragic episode), I can tell you that this kind of problem is WAY MORE than the usual casual straying, backsliding, or momentary Las Vegas "snacking" that happens to many couples.
I think the biggest difference is that someone with a personality disorder, like my ex, just doesn't (and seems incapable) of seeing reality for what it is. And I don't mean a temporary denial when enveloped by the "fog", or a difference in opinion.
They also can completely lack any empathy at all about what they are doing to the people around them. And again, I don't mean they aren't considerate and cuddly enough, I mean that they don't seem to have the "software" to consider others unless it helps them get what they want.
I have had break-ups in my romantic life before, but this one was the weirdest and toughest, because there was no "reality" and no recognition of me. She just did her own thing, slept with or dated many other men, lied about it pathologically -- even when confronted with evidence -- and tried to turn every fact around as somehow being "my fault". Even today, she won't admit what has happened -- apparently, I split from her because I like being alone and travel too much on business anyway. When I suggested joint counselling, she said she didn't need it, I did.
When a person has a disorder like this, you can't converse or have a constructive argument. You can't fix them, and you can't fix the marriage.
All this is to say that many marriages go through stresses and break-ups and lapses into infidelity. But usually after the fog clears (and the volume is turned down) people can admit to reality and decide what they want to do, usually with at least a minimum of respect to the other person. With a BDPer, unless he/she somehow recognizes that they have a disorder, real reconciliation can never happen.
Good luck with your situation; I am very sorry to hear you are in it.
I don't know enough about some of these disorders to give an opinion, but I definitely think narcissistic personality disorder with its lack of empathy would predispose someone to cheating.
Borderline personality disorder for sure does. Someone with BPD feels empty most of the time. They crave deep attachments to fill that emptiness and to alleviate their fear of abandonment. They have weak boundaries with others because they're subconsciously seeking these strong attachments.
Often, the attachments start with mirroring. The BPDer will mirror the thoughts and emotions of the other person and reflect back at them what the person wants to see. Again, this is often subconsciously and the person with BPD doesn't even realize what they're doing, but they are experts at it, having developed an amazing perception and chameleon-like ability. The mirroring leads to a very quick and very intense bonding with the other person that feels real to that person...and feels real to the BPDer but only because they are feeling a temporary, blissful non-emptiness and security that they don't usually get to feel.
Some married BPDers will be satisfied with EAs that don't go to PAs as long as the EA attachment is strong enough to give them the attention/love needed to reach the temporary relief state. However, BPDers have an extremely strong desire to please anybody they're forming an attachment to and sex is a superglue bonding tool, after all, so it can often move to PA.
I could probably go on, but I think those are the major points. Also, keep in mind that a BPDer who is self-aware and has sought help is more likely to NOT conform to these patterns of behavior because he/she hopefully recognizes them as they're starting (no longer so subconscious) and is able redirect the behavior. It takes an active choice, though, because the patterns are so deeply-rooted. There has to be another outlet, another way to reach the non-empty state, that they can turn to as an alternative. Unfortunately, many of them will turn to self-harm for this, but there are healthier alternatives and some BPDers are able to find and use them successfully.
None of this takes away from the culpability of the cheater. An explanation is not an excuse. It can increase understanding and help with closure, etc. but it doesn't excuse the behavior, which is 100% owned by the cheater.
Someone with BPD feels empty most of the time. They crave deep attachments to fill that emptiness and to alleviate their fear of abandonment. They have weak boundaries with others because they're subconsciously seeking these strong attachments.
Often, the attachments start with mirroring. The BPDer will mirror the thoughts and emotions of the other person and reflect back at them what the person wants to see. Again, this is often subconsciously and the person with BPD doesn't even realize what they're doing, but they are experts at it, having developed an amazing perception and chameleon-like ability. The mirroring leads to a very quick and very intense bonding with the other person that feels real to that person...and feels real to the BPDer but only because they are feeling a temporary, blissful non-emptiness and security that they don't usually get to feel.
...
However, BPDers have an extremely strong desire to please anybody they're forming an attachment to and sex is a superglue bonding tool, after all, so it can often move to PA.
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None of this takes away from the culpability of the cheater. An explanation is not an excuse. It can increase understanding and help with closure, etc. but it doesn't excuse the behavior, which is 100% owned by the cheater.
Very well said, 3L !
Unfortunately, your description fits my marriage to a T. We had a wonderful courtship of a year before we decided to get married. But I now look back and see that it was too intense to be real or durable. Indeed, the first three months were the only time that she actually focused on me, what I really want and need. Once we decided to get married, I got "too close", provoking her negative reactions -- she started to push me away with some really strange, irregular conduct. I wish I had seen the signs of the big swing sooner than I did ...
As you say... "For whatever reason, deep personality problem, self esteem, etc... they will not say no...They may even be wracked with guilt, but they like the attention."
It is apparent that we have had similar experiences with cheating wives.
In the aftermath, my wife told me that she knew in her heart it was wrong, it was destroying our marriage to keep meeting for sex. She would tell herself never again after doing it one more time. Then, the OM would call and email and she was hooked again, the affair attention was more important than our marriage. That's not conjecture that's the reality of who she was.
After 6+ years of affairs with multiple OM, I know with certainty she was never going to admit or stop. It took a train wreck for the guilt and shame to become a reality for her. Sad really.
23Likes
Mental, personality disorders and infidelity. 
