madwitt3

This is his email confession to me after being together for 17 years. He has denied every bit of it in the past. I ordered a polygraph test and I get this. We have three kids today. What would you do in my shoes. Would you run or try to work it out?????

> well here goes, all tru confessions, to start with i know shawn was a big mystery to you for a while. i guess at the time i was not over her still. we were all at the bar drinking a lot and by the end of the night she and i were kissing and petting pretty good, but not in front of anyone, but we never did anything else. neither of us wanted to do that. that was a long time ago.(17 years ago)

> then i started working a lot and we were growing apart in a lot of different ways. i would come home tired and you were going out with sabrina or patty or azanuth or whoever that friday and saturday night, then you would come home at all hours with other people and you guys would be on the back porch drinking and smoking all night. that really was not my cup of tea, i never really liked the bar scene, i out grew that but you never did. your friends were really articulate and i was not and you couldnt figure out why i couldnt be more like them and talk a lot more, sorry. so that is when i started hanging out with Tee watching TV or sitting in her hot tub. we became good friends and yes i did help her out a lot around her house or her yard. after a while it was a lot easier talking to her rather than talking to you. she was always happy and cheerful and maybe it was because she always had a little high from life or maybe from the screwdrivers that she drank everyday. and yes she was very flirtateous which was kinda nice sometimes without any other stuff going on.
>
> you and i started to have a "O" sex life and it was bothering me a lot. i was trying with you and you wanted nothing to do with me. so of course Tee knew something was wrong and we talked about it. we talked on and off about the relationship between you and me and she did give me some good advice and she didnt put you down all that much. she said that when woman start to gain weight and change physically and mentally that they can start pushing there men away. that is what i felt like. i am not saying any of this is blame on you but it was a factor that did hurt us like all the things that i did that hurt us too. i cant remember exactly when it started but Tee and I started messing around with each other. it was more of an " on and off" situation. she kinda filled my voids and i kinda filled her voids. i know she was about 15 years older than me but age didnt really mean anything to me at that time, i was lonely and you didnt want me. that hurts. there was no kissing just a lot of touching and playing. everytime we did that i left scared to death and felt really bad. but after i was around you and you kept blowing me off, i started to want to do that more. it might have lasted 6 months, but after a while we quit because she met mike, but we still talked and were still good friends. (oh he slept with her the last time in 2006 we had a 1 year old).
>
> yes we continued to talk more even when i was not supposed to. about every 6 months she might call from a number that i am not familiar with and we might talk for 10 minutes about how my kids are doing, how her kids are doing and her grand kids are doing, i tell her that you and i are doing ok and then that is the end of that.
>
> at the end of all that i was on the computer going onto dating sites because i just didnt want to be in a relationship with you because i didnt see the point since we were avoiding each other. i emailed you the experience i had and didnt go back to that again(he met her and she didnt look anything like her photo never to see her again).. i would check out the profiles but nobody responds to people who dont have pictures posted so i never really got any good responses except spam ****. so i stopped doing that and never met anyone else. i think we both just got really comfortable with the living arangements and didnt want to move on to other situations. so i became friends with Tonys ex wife because she was working for them at the time and she was a happy and cheerful person too. we went to BAG OF NAILS a few times after work and had a drink and just talked about all kinds of things. she was a fun person to be around. we never really did anything until they were divorsed and it only happened one time and that was enough. i ended up not being her type or neither did she. that ended pretty quick and she started dating JOHN from the garage. tony knew about it and didnt care. i am not proud of myself at all.( He spent about $1000 on her taking her shopping before they had sex and they where meeting making out etc for months before hand).
>
> as far as staci goes, i have told you everything about her. do you really think after all i have just told you i would ly about this. (Staci was our nanny.....he had an emotional affair with. HE spent $20,000 on her, buying her clothes, leased her apartment for her, furniture $1000flat screen etc).
>
> i know i have done some really ****ed up things and you may never forgive me but i have just come clean on everything. i have helped other people financially in the past and some of them it had helped and others it did not, but i dont regret doing it except for staci who probably never deserved it.
>
> i do care about you a lot and i do love you and i wish we could work on ourselves a lot more and enjoy life the way it should be, but after what i just told you and the sound of your voice, that may not be what you want anymore and i am sorry for all of this. this has all been a long time ago and i have changed and you have changed. if you dont want me around anymore i would understand fully and i dont even know where to begin to tell how i am feeling right now.
>
> Tee was before the bella. ( and when she was 1 he forgot he omitted to tell me)
>
> would you please let me treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. all this stuff in the past was inmature and stupid. i was only thinking about me. i am not proud of myself at all. this is not what i thought my life would be like. i pictured a nice house, a happy wife, and children. all of us happy and cheerful and no problems. i never knew it takes a lot of work to make a happy family and even then it doesnt happen.

(So tell me where would you go from here?????? I have another post on here, hand that rocks the cradle talking about the nanny)......

madwitt3

My life with this man has been a psycho drama. He has crossed every boundary I have ever given him and more. We are in therapy trying but I am hesitant to move forward.

KanDo

I am so sorry you are here. Quite frankly, you deserve a whole lot more than this. I know I could not reconcile with this.

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KanDo

If you want to feel better about your situation, read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...t-message.html

LeslieH

As a WS, I may not be qualified to give advice, but I would like to share with you my plan of trying to get my husband back.

I will be eternally grateful if my husband gives me another chance. Even if there were difficulties in our marriage, I accept full responsibility for what I did. Maybe I was unhappy, but I didn't have to sleep with anyone because of it. I am going to do everything I can to try and restore his faith, love and trust in me. I am going to take advantage of every opportunity to show him how much I love him.

Just keep this in mind when you make your decision.

sigma1299

I get a lot of justification and blame shifting in that. If he really wants to reconcile he needs to stop laying blame for his bad behavior at your feet. There's really not much to reconcile until he takes ownership of his actions.

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canttrustu

Sig is completely right. My H has done a couple of things(Other women). Not ONE time has he blamed me for his misbehavior. NOT ONE! He accepts complete responsiblity and says " I was selfish". Until and unless you get that, move on. Just my opinion.

madwitt3

We are both in therapy. He has confessed childhood molestation and thinks that is why he is unable to say no. I Think it has some affect on him but the bottom line is he cheated and it was his choice. I believe he is putting blame and trying to get out of this as much as he can. He has been given SA meeting dates and times to attend by our therapist. He denies he has a problem and doesn't want to go. I made it a condition for him to go twice a week for a month before he decides.

omega

Everyone has their own limits. This is WAY way way beyond my limits. Miles beyond. I wouldn't be hesitating at all... I would be running as fast as I could. But your limits may be different than mine.

He is a serial cheater, a liar, and a blame-shifter.

madwitt3

I agree. I have decided that this is too much. I deserve better and so do the kids. To have a father like this in their life, better to not have one at all. Anyone have any idea how to move on and how to deal and cop with infidelity. I'm devestated and about close to a nervous breakdown. I'm holding myself together for my kids right now. I'm getting physically sick and lossing weight. Needless to say I'm a mess.
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omega

It will be terribly hard for a while, but in the long run it is for the best. It will eventually get better and you will be able to look back and feel proud of yourself for making the move to get yourself and your children to a better place. Not easy to hear now, when the hurt is very raw, but there are posters here who have been through this sort of thing before and come out the other side, and can advise you. At least now he can't betray you anymore.

madwitt3

Thank you everyone for voting and for your responses. There is a part of me that wishes things were different but they are not. I have to face to cold facts that its time too move on with my life. Hard to deal with and cop but must. I must move on and deal with life as it is and make it better for myself and the children.
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Affaircare

I have a history of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse as a child and I was raped in college. And I don't mean that my parents spanked me--I mean that my parents would scream at me raging for hours while I stood at attention, then hit me with a broom handle every day until they were tired. The beatings left marks, but under my clothing where they were not seen. My goal as a child was just to be ALIVE when I hit anywhere near the teen years and then leave--and I did exactly that. So I know for a FACT that past childhood "issues" can explain a tendency to have a warped view of people, 'the world' or 'what love is'...but let me be clear:

Past childhood trauma is no excuse, reason or justification for CURRENT bad choices or bad behavior!!!!

I am an adult now. It is MY job, in the present, to recognize that my childhood probably made my view of people and relationships kind of 'messed up' and it is MY job, in the present, to get my butt to some sort of counseling to change and learn what a healthy relationship IS -- and to continually practice what I'm learning -- and to grow BEYOND the bad start from my childhood. I'm accountable for anything I choose now.

Soooo...yep being beaten every day and told your worthless every day has an effect!! Most definitely!! BUT as a personally responsible adult, if I choose to commit adultery it's not "because I was beaten as a child and made to feel worthless." Nope--it's because I made the choice to commit adultery because I *knew* that my views of my self-worth were inaccurate and still refused to go to counseling to work on myself!!

So sorry but don't fall for this victimization B.S. because that is what it is! Bull-loney! He is responsible for making the decision to not go to counseling, for denying that he has issues, and for purposefully choosing to have an affair due to the issues he pretends he doesn't have but which he uses as a crutch when he makes a bad choice!!

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

madwitt3

Affaircare. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to go through that as a child. I feel your pain and your strength. You are amazing to survive that. Thank you for clarity you have given me. I am grateful for you and your honesty. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
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madwitt3

where to go from here? months later and therapy. Still confused and not sure what to do? Its a yo-yo relationship I want him and I dont. He tries, not good enough for me. I want him and dont. Anyone gone through this?

mykidsaremyworld

I go through this also, No one will be able to tell you what is best for you. In my situation I still love my h, but I do not feel like I will have my own self respect if I R with him. Infidelity is a boundary that should not be crossed. It would take a lot to show me that my h has changed for the better.
The fact that your H has done this multiple times is unbelievable. I wouldn't rush to R with him if I were you.

Set clear and firm what you expect from him before you will ever consider R with him. Take time for yourself and focus on what you want to do, even the 180 will help. And once you have taken time for yourself see how you feel then. You just may very well be happier without him. Best of luck to you.