It goes to say you should move some monies to an account you controll, many OM's strip the cash out once caught. Be prepared to D, with this mindset you can prepare yourself for the long haul ahead. Your marriage can be saved it does however take two willing parties. Posted via Mobile Device
Go to an attorney pronto.
If your husband strips cash from bank accounts a forensic accountant can find out.
Your husband will have to pay for that accountant but it will come from marital asset money.
As i followed your thread from the beginning I knew this was going to be the result. The fact that he was sneaking off when he was with you was way over the top. When I was with my wife at Disney last year she already had a burner phone and kept it hidden from me and her brother (who's family was there with us). My wife acted strange during this time and I knew something was up. They rarely come clean on their own and rarely own up to things even when confronted. Often times you need solide evidence to get them to come clean. Just part of the cheater's MO.
Keep us posted because now things are going to really heat up and if we can assist you we will. In the meantime you are getting good advice and here is a hug for you.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Thank you. I have confronted him with the print out of the emails that I have gotten. He didn't yell scream blame or deny. What can he say? I have the evidence or at least what I need I really don't want to read anymore than I already have. I do know that he has been with the woman at work for at least a year and who knows how many times they have had sex. What's wrong with me that I only got suspicious in October? Geez. He should win an Oscar for his acting abilities. He knows right when to be his "normal" self and when to turn on the charm to keep me from thinking anything is out of the norm. I am physically sick. My head is swimming and I want to be able to be in control of my feelings. This is not working. Maybe in a few days. This all came out last night. He is coming over today (well he is sleeping in the truck in the driveway) he says ask him anything and he will give me all answers. Whatever. I will at least get a portion of what is true. Just need to multiply that by 5 or more. I don't even know what I want to know besides why? He will say he doesn't know. I will contact the OW and their spouses. I will find out that info today one way or another. I do know that he woman at work's husband already found out some time ago and they are still together and working on it. Or so he thought. I will advise that this is not the case. One of them needs to quit. I know there are no jobs, and I am not working right now so this makes it difficult, but I don't care. I do have a dr appt set up for STD check. How humiliating.. Thank you all for your help and advice. I am sure I will be back and if you can think of anything else in the meantime, please let me know.
Look at you, how STRONG you are. I know you don't feel that way but you should be so proud of yourself, you are taking all of the right steps. You can vent and cry here as much as you want.
My husband played me for the fool for 3 years. So I'm very sorry, I know you think he deserves it, but your husband is NOT going to win that Oscar.
Thank you. I have confronted him with the print out of the emails that I have gotten. He didn't yell scream blame or deny. What can he say? I have the evidence or at least what I need I really don't want to read anymore than I already have. I do know that he has been with the woman at work for at least a year and who knows how many times they have had sex.
I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but I am glad to hear he didn't scream at you. It's really hard to take when someone has cheated AND they try to blame you AND they scream, so at least that hasn't happened. From this point, no matter what he says or how he tries to say that you sort of "drove him to it" please remind yourself that it's true you weren't perfect, but it is 100% HIS choice to have an affair. He could have gone to counseling, he could have spoken to you about it, he could have just ended the relationship and stayed faithful--but HE is the one who made the decision to have two affairs.
Quote:
What's wrong with me that I only got suspicious in October? Geez. He should win an Oscar for his acting abilities. He knows right when to be his "normal" self and when to turn on the charm to keep me from thinking anything is out of the norm.
Again, it's not you. This was a deliberate decision on his part. Every time you said something or asked about it, he could have made the choice to do the right thing and "man up" and tell the truth, but instead he specifically spoke and acted in a way to make you doubt yourself and your instincts.
I agree--that kind of performance really does deserve an Academy Award. Makes ya ill doesn't it?
Oh and by the way--do not EVER listen if he tries to say he couldn't control himself or he "had to" lie to you because he was the victim of XYZ or has ABC disorder, etc. NOPE! Think of this: did he treat his boss at work that way? Did he do it to his dad or the pastor or whoever he looks up to? If not....then guess what? HE CONTROLLED IT!! He didn't do it to them, and that means he could have chosen to not do it to you, and he didn't choose that. So raise that
Quote:
I am physically sick. My head is swimming and I want to be able to be in control of my feelings. This is not working. Maybe in a few days. This all came out last night.
Did you get the lotion tissues and the soup? If not, please go get them today or you really will get sick. This is literally, physically sickening, so when you can you need to choke down some soup and if you feel tired, I don't care if it's the middle of the day, go lay down and sleep if you can. It may be a few days until you can, and boy you want to have a muddled head? Go a few days without eating or sleeping! That will drive you crazy--for real.
As long as you feel like your head is swimming and you're not in control of your thoughts and feelings, just make the choice to make no decisions. If he pushes you to "let him come home" or make a choice to work on the marriage or not, just tell him that you will NOT make a decision until you can be clear-headed and that if he pushes you will decide NO right now!!
Quote:
He is coming over today (well he is sleeping in the truck in the driveway) he says ask him anything and he will give me all answers. Whatever. I will at least get a portion of what is true. Just need to multiply that by 5 or more. I don't even know what I want to know besides why? He will say he doesn't know.
Yeah I don't mean this mean, but don't expect "the truth" now all-of-a-sudden. For at least the last year he's been lying, so chances are about 99.99% that he'll try to cover his own behind or "get his way" rather than tell the actual truth. I'd suggest asking, maybe writing down what he says, and then verifying via neutral means. Just expect that nothing out of his mouth or the Other Women's mouths will be the truth. If they were honest people, none of this would have happened
Quote:
I will contact the OW and their spouses. I will find out that info today one way or another. I do know that he woman at work's husband already found out some time ago and they are still together and working on it. Or so he thought. I will advise that this is not the case.
I do strongly recommend contacting the spouses of the Other Women, but I just about equally strongly recommend that you do NOT contact the Other Women. Honestly? There's no point. They were trying to have their cake and eat it too, and you are messing with their cake, so they will not tell the truth or work to make things right. They'll hurt you back for hurting their cake. The OWs' spouses do deserve to know that their reconciliation is a lie or that their spouse has been having an affair--shoot for all they know, they may been given an STD and not even know it!! They need to know to protect themselves physically and they also need to know so they can make their own decisions about their own relationships and what they want to do. So yep--contact the spouses, but leave the OW alone. You're already a mess and don't need to be poking those dragons!
Quote:
One of them needs to quit. I know there are no jobs, and I am not working right now so this makes it difficult, but I don't care. I do have a dr appt set up for STD check. How humiliating.. Thank you all for your help and advice. I am sure I will be back and if you can think of anything else in the meantime, please let me know.
You are so right--this is going to make is REALLY tough financially but one of them will need to quit. The cost to your hubby for the choices he made to commit adultery is that he can't stay at the job he likes. AND in no way is his financial responsibility lessened or lightened because he screwed around either! And I'm glad to hear you've set up a Dr. appointment for STD check. I know it's humiliating, but you are not the one who put yourself in this position, so don't be ashamed of protecting your health. That's just wisdom. You have people depending on you, so good for you that you're brave.
Now I say take a few days, maybe go to the coast or the mountains, take your kids, and go get away from it all so you can think. Being "somewhere else" (other than the house where you lived with your unfaithful spouse) may help remove some stress and help you think a little clearly. At this point--if he's saying he wants to try to "work it out" you are the one with the moral right to decide if you will end the marriage due to your spouse's sexual immorality or to decide if you will reconcile. So take your time.
I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but I am glad to hear he didn't scream at you. It's really hard to take when someone has cheated AND they try to blame you AND they scream, so at least that hasn't happened. From this point, no matter what he says or how he tries to say that you sort of "drove him to it" please remind yourself that it's true you weren't perfect, but it is 100% HIS choice to have an affair. He could have gone to counseling, he could have spoken to you about it, he could have just ended the relationship and stayed faithful--but HE is the one who made the decision to have two affairs.
Again, it's not you. This was a deliberate decision on his part. Every time you said something or asked about it, he could have made the choice to do the right thing and "man up" and tell the truth, but instead he specifically spoke and acted in a way to make you doubt yourself and your instincts.
I agree--that kind of performance really does deserve an Academy Award. Makes ya ill doesn't it?
Oh and by the way--do not EVER listen if he tries to say he couldn't control himself or he "had to" lie to you because he was the victim of XYZ or has ABC disorder, etc. NOPE! Think of this: did he treat his boss at work that way? Did he do it to his dad or the pastor or whoever he looks up to? If not....then guess what? HE CONTROLLED IT!! He didn't do it to them, and that means he could have chosen to not do it to you, and he didn't choose that. So raise that
Did you get the lotion tissues and the soup? If not, please go get them today or you really will get sick. This is literally, physically sickening, so when you can you need to choke down some soup and if you feel tired, I don't care if it's the middle of the day, go lay down and sleep if you can. It may be a few days until you can, and boy you want to have a muddled head? Go a few days without eating or sleeping! That will drive you crazy--for real.
As long as you feel like your head is swimming and you're not in control of your thoughts and feelings, just make the choice to make no decisions. If he pushes you to "let him come home" or make a choice to work on the marriage or not, just tell him that you will NOT make a decision until you can be clear-headed and that if he pushes you will decide NO right now!!
Yeah I don't mean this mean, but don't expect "the truth" now all-of-a-sudden. For at least the last year he's been lying, so chances are about 99.99% that he'll try to cover his own behind or "get his way" rather than tell the actual truth. I'd suggest asking, maybe writing down what he says, and then verifying via neutral means. Just expect that nothing out of his mouth or the Other Women's mouths will be the truth. If they were honest people, none of this would have happened
I do strongly recommend contacting the spouses of the Other Women, but I just about equally strongly recommend that you do NOT contact the Other Women. Honestly? There's no point. They were trying to have their cake and eat it too, and you are messing with their cake, so they will not tell the truth or work to make things right. They'll hurt you back for hurting their cake. The OWs' spouses do deserve to know that their reconciliation is a lie or that their spouse has been having an affair--shoot for all they know, they may been given an STD and not even know it!! They need to know to protect themselves physically and they also need to know so they can make their own decisions about their own relationships and what they want to do. So yep--contact the spouses, but leave the OW alone. You're already a mess and don't need to be poking those dragons!
You are so right--this is going to make is REALLY tough financially but one of them will need to quit. The cost to your hubby for the choices he made to commit adultery is that he can't stay at the job he likes. AND in no way is his financial responsibility lessened or lightened because he screwed around either! And I'm glad to hear you've set up a Dr. appointment for STD check. I know it's humiliating, but you are not the one who put yourself in this position, so don't be ashamed of protecting your health. That's just wisdom. You have people depending on you, so good for you that you're brave.
Now I say take a few days, maybe go to the coast or the mountains, take your kids, and go get away from it all so you can think. Being "somewhere else" (other than the house where you lived with your unfaithful spouse) may help remove some stress and help you think a little clearly. At this point--if he's saying he wants to try to "work it out" you are the one with the moral right to decide if you will end the marriage due to your spouse's sexual immorality or to decide if you will reconcile. So take your time.
He has been completely willing to be transparent. I've been given all pass codes etc. he knows what I need and is willing to do it. He knows I may not get past this. I don't know if I can. He slept w her at least 3 times (the local at work OW). So there are more times I know and he didn't deny when I called him on it. It was his first move to get a hotel room (in a cute little town that we would go to). He loves her. He "thought he was in love w her" but thinks it could be more of what he can't have since supposedly she went back to her husband a month or so ago and have only had contact via telephone and text. Whatever. He knows I only believe a bit of what he says. He said he had the chance to leave me when she and her husband separated but when it came down to it he couldn't see himself living without me. Says it doesn't matter but the day before I found out he told her to not text call or email because he wants to work on his marriage. I would have said that was a lie had I not seen that email. Doesn't matter, he is right. I am going away for a few days. He will keep the kids here. I need to be by myself. I am just going to drive until I get somewhere and be alone for the first time in a very long time. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a complete wreck. I did get soup and can barely get that down. They should use heart ache as the next new diet craze. My reply probably sounds jumbled but my mind is all over the place. I just can't get the thought of them together out of my mind. It's like a broken record playing over and over. I did not contact the OW (2). You are right. No point just more drama. I did send a message through Facebook to the spouse of the local OW. Haven't heard anything. Don't know if I will but it's out there. The OW not local is not married. So she is off the hook. He supposedly was just living some play fantasy w her but really loved the local one. Ugh. Making myself sick here. Thank you all for your support. I leave on Saturday for some good old soul searching. If you can think of anything else that would help or that I'm doing that is destructive please let me know. Posted via Mobile Device
He has been completely willing to be transparent. I've been given all pass codes etc. he knows what I need and is willing to do it. He knows I may not get past this. I don't know if I can. He slept w her at least 3 times (the local at work OW). So there are more times I know and he didn't deny when I called him on it. It was his first move to get a hotel room (in a cute little town that we would go to). He loves her. He "thought he was in love w her" but thinks it could be more of what he can't have since supposedly she went back to her husband a month or so ago and have only had contact via telephone and text. Whatever. He knows I only believe a bit of what he says. He said he had the chance to leave me when she and her husband separated but when it came down to it he couldn't see himself living without me. Says it doesn't matter but the day before I found out he told her to not text call or email because he wants to work on his marriage. I would have said that was a lie had I not seen that email. Doesn't matter, he is right. I am going away for a few days. He will keep the kids here. I need to be by myself. I am just going to drive until I get somewhere and be alone for the first time in a very long time. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a complete wreck. I did get soup and can barely get that down. They should use heart ache as the next new diet craze. My reply probably sounds jumbled but my mind is all over the place. I just can't get the thought of them together out of my mind. It's like a broken record playing over and over. I did not contact the OW (2). You are right. No point just more drama. I did send a message through Facebook to the spouse of the local OW. Haven't heard anything. Don't know if I will but it's out there. The OW not local is not married. So she is off the hook. He supposedly was just living some play fantasy w her but really loved the local one. Ugh. Making myself sick here. Thank you all for your support. I leave on Saturday for some good old soul searching. If you can think of anything else that would help or that I'm doing that is destructive please let me know. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh and he has not blamed me. Takes full responsibility for what he has done. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh and he has not blamed me. Takes full responsibility for what he has done. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right. Posted via Mobile Device
No, you are not wrong. This is not a case of two wrongs not making a right. You take your charger with you and promise him that you will keep the phone on in case of an emergency, that is the only obligation you have and it isn't for him, it's for your children and to ease your own peace of mind in that regard.
He is very sorry, but you need the opinion of a professional trained in infidelity issues to help you sort through whether that amounts to anything for the future.
I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right. Posted via Mobile Device
No you're not wrong... He doesn't deserve to know where you're going right now. He owes you this.
Just read this thread. I need to take a break from this board.
So sorry for this woman and soooooooooooooooooo freaking sick to death of cheaters and cheating. Always the same pattern... the same excuses .... the same lies.... right down to the language used. These selfish liars are simply tedious and BORING lame-ass children walking around in adult bodies.
Society's general reaction is to tell jokes about it or make sexy movies about it. Nobody tells the hard, ugly truth about the monstrous damage infidelity causes to all those close to it. So much emotional anguish, so much devastation to families, psyches, finances etc. etc. When children are involved, it affects them FOREVER. We're talking inter generational damage here.
It literally sickens me that as I type this thousands of people are engaging in such destructive behavior and enjoying it....... until it all blows up, that is.
Just read this thread. I need to take a break from this board.
So sorry for this woman and soooooooooooooooooo freaking sick to death of cheaters and cheating. Always the same pattern... the same excuses .... the same lies.... right down to the language used. These selfish liars are simply tedious and BORING lame-ass children walking around in adult bodies.
Society's general reaction is to tell jokes about it or make sexy movies about it. Nobody tells the hard, ugly truth about the monstrous damage infidelity causes to all those close to it. So much emotional anguish, so much devastation to families, psyches, finances etc. etc. When children are involved, it affects them FOREVER. We're talking inter generational damage here.
It literally sickens me that as I type this thousands of people are engaging in such destructive behavior and enjoying it....... until it all blows up, that is.
Ughh. I might check back in in a few months.
Well I've gone by myself now what? This, as you all know, is just awful. It's like a bad dream for me. It's like I forget it happened and am okay but then bam it pops in my head again. Sorry had to vent. Posted via Mobile Device
So I am back. Had a few days to myself. I feel a smidgen better. I had a huge lump in my throat when I pulled in the drive way. My husband has come clean (so I think) on everything I have asked. He takes full blame for his actions. This makes me a little weary as people usually have an affair because something is not being full filled at home right? He doesn't know or can't say what that is. This is very frustrating to me. He said he ended things w the PA a day before I found out. Or so he says. He said he hasn't heard from her or seen her or tried to contact her. It's been a week. That just seems weird but I have passwords, etc and have been checking randomly. I see nothing. He has left work early every day so we can talk while the kIds are at school but he really doesn't say much. Just answers my questions. Says that I know he has trouble putting thoughts in to words. I used to think this until I saw the way he was begging and pleading w the PA to leave her husband, missing her, etc. this sickens me. I guess I can bring that up in counseling. The counselor I have chosen only comes here once a month do I have to wait. They don't have many options where I live. My husband says he is sorry and he knows I may never get past this as he couldn't but wants me to try. I am having a hard time w the fact that he fell in love w the PA. What do you do w that? He acts so normal like he is not even mourning her loss. That I find a little skeptical. I just hope that this is not a repeat of the times I have asked him and he has said he quit talking to them. How do you get past the thoughts of them together? Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. I don't know. I am anxious for counseling and hope that will answer my questions. Thanks for taking time to read this. Posted via Mobile Device
35Likes
Re: Caught and still denying... 
Think of this: did he treat his boss at work that way? Did he do it to his dad or the pastor or whoever he looks up to? If not....then guess what? HE CONTROLLED IT!! He didn't do it to them, and that means he could have chosen to not do it to you, and he didn't choose that. So raise that 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
and can barely get that down. They should use heart ache as the next new diet craze. My reply probably sounds jumbled but my mind is all over the place. I just can't get the thought of them together out of my mind. It's like a broken record playing over and over. I did not contact the OW (2). You are right. No point just more drama. I did send a message through Facebook to the spouse of the local OW. Haven't heard anything. Don't know if I will but it's out there. The OW not local is not married. So she is off the hook. He supposedly was just living some play fantasy w her but really loved the local one. Ugh. Making myself sick here. Thank you all for your support. I leave on Saturday for some good old soul searching. If you can think of anything else that would help or that I'm doing that is destructive please let me know.
