Caught and still denying...

iheartlife · 06-01-2012, 07:47 PM

Also, sorry, do you still have the VAR going? Did he ever learn about it?

Another separate idea, ask your MC if they have read the book, Not Just Friends. The book was written by a nationally recognized researcher of infidelity, our very good MC pulled it right off the shelf. You can use the book as a sort of litmus test to see how much your MC knows and understands the way cheaters work. You can even offer to let them read the book if they say they haven't.

hrtbkngrl · 06-01-2012, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

I also attended individual counseling, after both DD#1 and DD#2. I attended for about 3 or 4 months after DD#1 and for about six weeks after DD#2, ending just about a month ago.

I found individual counseling to be terrific for me. It helped me to go just talk about whatever I needed to talk about. I highly recommend it if you can do it.

You may still be in a state of shock right now. Also denial, as if you might wake up from the nightmare. After that wears off, be prepared to experience anger and depression.

I think I def need individual counseling. I will try that.

I am still in shock and feel like it is a nightmare that I can't wake up from, but that feeling is starting to fade. I appreciate all of your help. I didn't realize that you were so close to your DDs. So, I thank you even more for being able to give such helpful advice and be so understanding.
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iheartlife · 06-01-2012, 08:10 PM

Not sure if you saw my other post above about the VAR.

I'm in a good place because I went through this before--DD#1 was over 3 years ago. I spent those three years living life very fully. Our marriage was not in a good place, but it was ok. I didn't know he was still in contact with her. We attended MC for 6+ mos after DD#1 and he was in contact the whole time. MC was pretty much a total waste for obvious reasons.

But I never once verified that he wasn't in contact--I had never heard of the book Not Just Friends and didn't have any knowledge about infidelity. Didn't know about this forum.

My husband walked away from his AP on DD#2. He is very loving and present in our marriage. A big part of this is that I had a chance to change and prove myself during those years he was in his EA. Note: it didn't make him leave the EA. It doesn't work that way, usually. But it did make him ready to work together to restore our marriage.

hrtbkngrl · 06-02-2012, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

Not sure if you saw my other post above about the VAR.

I'm in a good place because I went through this before--DD#1 was over 3 years ago. I spent those three years living life very fully. Our marriage was not in a good place, but it was ok. I didn't know he was still in contact with her. We attended MC for 6+ mos after DD#1 and he was in contact the whole time. MC was pretty much a total waste for obvious reasons.

But I never once verified that he wasn't in contact--I had never heard of the book Not Just Friends and didn't have any knowledge about infidelity. Didn't know about this forum.

My husband walked away from his AP on DD#2. He is very loving and present in our marriage. A big part of this is that I had a chance to change and prove myself during those years he was in his EA. Note: it didn't make him leave the EA. It doesn't work that way, usually. But it did make him ready to work together to restore our marriage.

Sorry. I just saw the VAR post. I never had a VAR. I think I may still get one.

I'm glad things are turning around for you. You seem very strong and have a good head on your shoulders. There is hope for me yet. 😊
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hrtbkngrl · 06-08-2012, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrtbkngrl

Sorry. I just saw the VAR post. I never had a VAR. I think I may still get one.

I'm glad things are turning around for you. You seem very strong and have a good head on your shoulders. There is hope for me yet. 😊
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Hello again. Sorry my mc isn't until next Friday. I am starting to have panic attacks and it feels like something is off. I was doing okay for a few days but the last few have been awful. Is this normal?
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iheartlife · 06-08-2012, 08:19 AM

What makes you think things are off?

hrtbkngrl · 06-08-2012, 08:34 AM

Well I don't know 100%. But I check his communication devices everyday. He took the pass code off his phone and has told me things without me asking. He is w me all of the time when he is not at work and he's been coming home at lunch for the day for the last two weeks. He is being attentive and present but I don't know for sure. Maybe it's me but something is off.
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iheartlife · 06-08-2012, 08:40 AM

Let's go back to 101.

Who is the OW? Do you know her name? Your first post says that she interacts with your H through work.

So why isn't he interacting with her when he goes to work? How can he prove such a thing?

sculley · 06-08-2012, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrtbkngrl

Hello. I have never posted anything like this before so please bear with me. I have never had to.. My husband (of18 years) confessed to me in October that he has been talking to someone that does business with his work. I had a feeling so kept prying. He said it was just flirting and talking/texting. Okay... He promised it would stop. He said if she contacted him he would not respond, etc. Okay... so, I am going about my business- in January, he accidentally texts me a message meant for another woman. Seriously?! He said it was not the same woman, but an old friend from Facebook. Wow!!! So, I am here trying to get past this, as he deleted her from Facebook, etc. I am guarded and trying to make this work as we have kids, etc. He has promised, sworn on my kids lives, etc. that nothing like this is going to happen again, I am the one, blah blah blah... Again, just talking- this girl lives in another state. Okay. So, just four days ago, on our way out the door on Spring Break with the kids, he says he has to make some last minute phone calls to work (he is the boss) and check on everyone- this is not out of the ordinary, but the fact that he went in a room and closed the door was. So, being untrusting and alert, I listen. He is whispering.. Really? Well, he "feels" me at the door and comes out like a bear... So, now I know it is another woman. Which one? The same one? A different one? I am so confused. He is in complete denial. I went along on the trip so the kids would be okay. He has been so nice to me (probably guilt). When I try to bring it up he asks me not to talk about it.. Says there is no one else. Ugh! I am surprised at how I am handling this. I would like to throw up. I am thinking about the kids. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me and wants to be with me always. He said the last time that he doesn't deserve me, etc. He was so sorry, it was over and now this.. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions other than an automatic Leave Him? I am heartbroken and just sick... Any suggestions on how to get him to talk? Etc?Thank you.

Sounds like since he's done it once and no real course of action for what he did he is continuing it. This is going to be a vicious cycle unless he gets help. (spoken from experience) And until he admitts he has a problem and seeks counsel or figures out what he wants...being you or the other life nothing is gonna get better and you are going to resent the heck out of him for staying quiet. YOu have to set boundaries..

hrtbkngrl · 06-08-2012, 08:47 AM

Well he can't prove it. They are in two separate buildings. I know this did not stop him before. He said she has txt on e and showed me the txt and she waved at him I. The parking lot last week. Of course he said he didn't wave back. I don't believe him most of the time because he has lied to me about her before. I know her name and her husbands name and have sent them both messages w no response.
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iheartlife · 06-08-2012, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrtbkngrl

Well he can't prove it. They are in two separate buildings. I know this did not stop him before. He said she has txt on e and showed me the txt and she waved at him I. The parking lot last week. Of course he said he didn't wave back. I don't believe him most of the time because he has lied to me about her before. I know her name and her husbands name and have sent them both messages w no response.
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How did you contact her husband--via email?

iheartlife · 06-08-2012, 08:50 AM

You need to get the VAR; like yesterday.

hrtbkngrl · 06-08-2012, 08:51 AM

I left him a voice mail and sent him an email through his Facebook.
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hrtbkngrl · 06-08-2012, 08:53 AM

I am going to have to get the var and put it in his truck. He didn't care before why would he care now how I feel? I should trust my instincts. They were not wrong before.
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iheartlife · 06-08-2012, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrtbkngrl

I left him a voice mail and sent him an email through his Facebook.
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Time for something more old-fashioned, like talking to him on the phone in person, or sending him a letter to his office to his attention only with your cell phone number and email address inside.

But frankly, your husband has not ended contact sufficiently to meet the basic standards of ending an emotional affair. Working with someone in sufficient proximity so as to see them daily (with the ability to meet at will) is a fail. That is probably why your gut is telling you things haven't changed.