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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Paternity test information needed

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-18-2012, 03:51 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

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Originally Posted by razorsedge View Post
Samples were received by the lab yesterday. They say it will be around 3 day turnaround time but I hope they get the testing done sooner.

I am trying to think of the questions I want to ask my W should the results come back with myself not being the father. I actually sent in samples from 2 of our children. Something the nurse told me when one of our children was born has always stuck with me. Long story for another day, but here are some questions I will want answered:

Who is / are the bio dads?
Why on earth did you cheat you bit&%*? (j/k lol).
Why the lies?

I am now drawing a blank on how to react and what to ask. My mind is racing in all sorts of directions wondering what the results will be. I am going from the idea of being elated if they are "mine" to anger if she has deceived me like I think she has. If I am wrong about what I think the results will be, I will feel very foolish, but nonetheless, she was caught in too many lies regarding other men.

I have allowed myself to become a very bitter person because I ALLOWED her to lie to me so much many years ago. I "rug swept" her dishonesty. No I never caught her cheating nor did she ever admit it, but ALL of the signs were there.

I should have dealt with this a long time ago.

When you do get the results and if they turn out for the worse I suggest a break to give yourself some time to absorb the impact of this .

You want clarity of thought and control over your emotions when you confront your wife. Go to a hotel for a day or two.

I hope the results are in your favor.

Best wishes
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Old 04-18-2012, 07:30 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

it's better to "know," than to have a lingering feeling of doubt.

good luck. hope it's you.


BTW-- if it does come out that you're the dad, will let go of this feeling that she cheated. sounds like you won't be truly be satisfied until you catch her in the act, or she confesses to it.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:29 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

Sorry for the late update. Test results came back this past Friday.

I should have had this done a long time ago. THEY ARE MINE

Like I said before, regardless of the results, I was their dad. Raising them for 18 + years kinda would render the results useless as far as them being my children. I just wanted to see because I do not think I ever got over her untruths (sounds better than lies.

I was filled with elation for a few days, and then I started thinking of her deception back in the day. Although I am at peace about my children's dna, I still find myself bitter over being mislead on multiple occasions.

Do any threads exist that may be beneficial to me? I really want to let this go. I have not brought up all the lies she told in a very long time. It got to the point that she was more and more upset that I kept bringing the lies up that happened so long (almost 2 decades) ago. I need to stop reading the CWI threads, they seem to make me upset.

Idk, maybe she is right, am I going through a midlife crisis? Who knows.

Thanks again to everyone who contributed on this thread.

Special note to keko. Thank you for the private message you sent. It was very informitave. I tried replying back to you, but I noticed there is nothing in my sent messages folder.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:42 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

unless you change your settings to "save sent PM's" you wont get a copy, it was likely sent
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:09 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

Must be relieving to get the results.

No problem on the message, glad I could help.
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:44 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

RE,

I was in a similar situation.

A friend of mine recently caught his wife cheating. While talking to me about it, he started listing all the red flags that he ignored at the time. Suddenly the light bulb went off in my head as what he was saying fit my wife's behavior 20 years ago when we were going through some tough times. I started thinking about it and it nearly drove me crazy for 4 months. Finally I could not take it any more and I sat her down and asked her about it. She was upset as your wife was about answering questions from 20 years ago and said she didn't even remember most of what I was asking about. For two months I would keep going back to it.

One day I realized that I was never going to get the answers I was looking for. Either she had nothing to hide and truly could not remember or she would simply keep denying. After all how could I prove anything that happened 20 years ago?

I had to sit down and decide for myself what I would do if she had actually had an affair back then. Like you, infidelity was the one total deal breaker. Looking at our 35 years together I finally decided even if she did do something around that time, I would not do anything now. I could not take any drastic action because of all we had been through together since that time.

It took me several weeks to put it all behind me and we have been much happier since. I could not believe how much this doubt had affected me and changed my behavior toward my wife, even unconsciously.

My advice to you is, if she has been a loving wife and mother since that time, put it in the past and live for today. You both will be much happier.
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:16 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Paternity test information needed

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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
RE,

I was in a similar situation.

A friend of mine recently caught his wife cheating. While talking to me about it, he started listing all the red flags that he ignored at the time. Suddenly the light bulb went off in my head as what he was saying fit my wife's behavior 20 years ago when we were going through some tough times. I started thinking about it and it nearly drove me crazy for 4 months. Finally I could not take it any more and I sat her down and asked her about it. She was upset as your wife was about answering questions from 20 years ago and said she didn't even remember most of what I was asking about. For two months I would keep going back to it.

One day I realized that I was never going to get the answers I was looking for. Either she had nothing to hide and truly could not remember or she would simply keep denying. After all how could I prove anything that happened 20 years ago?

I had to sit down and decide for myself what I would do if she had actually had an affair back then. Like you, infidelity was the one total deal breaker. Looking at our 35 years together I finally decided even if she did do something around that time, I would not do anything now. I could not take any drastic action because of all we had been through together since that time.

It took me several weeks to put it all behind me and we have been much happier since. I could not believe how much this doubt had affected me and changed my behavior toward my wife, even unconsciously.

My advice to you is, if she has been a loving wife and mother since that time, put it in the past and live for today. You both will be much happier.
It is a long time but shows how this stuff eats at us. If she has done well over the years let it go. Find someone you can talk to about this.

I am happy for you.
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