Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwim
I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.
Gwim
He deserves to have a father who is not a cuckold and who is willing to stand up for his rights as a husband.
He deserves to have a father who will demonstrate self respect and honor to him.
He deserves to have parents who are devoted and monogamous to one another.
He deserves to live in an environment where his father and mother are home at the same time.... a fully intact family.
If not, then learning to live with divorced parenets is a much better option for him.
Your wife is humiliating you in front of him, and will continue to do so. How is that in any way condusive to the proper raising of a child... especially a boy who needs you to show hiom what it means to be a man. Are you going to let another man be his co-father?
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwim
I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.
But your wife is a substance abuser, what kind of a child can she raise?...
If you really love your child you would find a good woman to look after it. Did you think about what your child's future would be with his/her mother doing drugs in the house in front of her/him?
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
You are looking for excuses to stay in a broken relationship with a drug abuser and cheater.
How unconditional is your love? If she starts sleeping with two guys are you ok with that?
If she starts taking on multiple guys at one time in your marital bed is that ok?
If she starts verbally abusing you is that acceptable?
What if she starts verbally abusing your son?
What about physical abuse?
My point is that your love for her ISN'T unconditional. That is an excuse you are using because you are afraid of change. The marriage you thought you had was an illusion. What you are seeing now is reality.
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
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We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch.
that's quite the chemistry you got there, buddy.
she wants to file for seperation so she can "cake eat." if sh1t doesn't work out with her beau, she can always come back to you. hence, resorting for legal seperation instead of divorce. don't fall for it. if she wants out, you go all the way- DIVORCE!
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
Dude, in all your posts, you've been saying that my son this and my son that....Okay, I get it. But, it kinda sounds like you're going to use your son as a barganning chip to get her back in the marriage. Don't do that to your boy. If you dedicate yourself to being the best father that you can be to that kid, then he's going to hurt for the break up of your marriage, but he'll be fine in the end.
You're not going to convince her to come back. I mean, MY GOD, she left you AND her child for OM, what woman does this? Chooses an man over her own child. Cares more for this OM than you or your son. Dude, you deserve better....so much more than this...
Bandit is right on what he's posted. From this point out, I would record all conversation with her, and take notes on EVERYTHING! Not the date when she left, this is important because your lawyer could get you full custody of your kid because she abandoned the martial home.
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
Yeah you keep making it all about your son.
It's not about your son, it's about you. He'll be fine. Regardless of whether his parents are together or not. If you're right and she's bipolar, and she's happier with the other guy then your son might be in better shape if she's in a happy relationship rather than one that has been full of problems from the very start which you admit yours has been.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwim
I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.
She's actually not doing all that much damage to your son if she's discretely fooling around with this other guy.
The damage is being done to YOU, and she doesn't care. Like you said right here:
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwim
The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.
You are just in her way right now.
You can't convince her of anyting.
Try convincing yourself that you're just wasting your time and saying you are doing this to "protect" your son, it's not necessary.
Kids do fine after divorce if it's handled well. Better than having two parents who fight all the time.
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwim
I want more than anything to convince her that it is worth stopping her affair and working on our marriage.
You can't. She has to want it herself, you can't convince her of ANYTHING because in her mind you are the enemy to her happiness.
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The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.
At first yes, but she may change her mind before it gets finalized. Only about half ever do.
If she does then that tells you she doesn't want to be with you. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?
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She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.
Now you are making excuses. Everyone thinks this, your relationship isn't really that special or else she wouldn't have cheated, would she?
You are in denial.
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I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.
You are wasting your breath. When they are in an affair only the affair matters, they do not care about who they hurt. They are not capable of empathy at this state.
You are going to try to rationalize with her and you will fail. You can't rationalize with the irrational and that's what she is.
The only course of action that will do any good is dropping the hammer on her and hope that she wakes up before its too late. They more you try to talk her into giving up the affair, the more she will resist you. She disrespected you and broke the marriage, she has to fix it, not you. You need to file for a D and leave it up to her to stop you if a R is ever going to work.
Know this, its NOT your fault and you CAN'T talk her into anything. She has to want it on her own and the more you try to get away from her (by standing up for yourself and not allowing her to get away with cheating on you) the more she will want you. The nicer you are to her, the worse you'll make things. You can never "nice" them back.
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
In regards to your son, remember that when you are flying on an airliner, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first.
If you don't do that, you will pass out before you can put the mask on your child.
It is no different in the rest of life. You have to be as mentally healthy as you can be to take care of your kids. What you are living with is the antithesis of healthy living.
Just let her go. She is currently a cancer that will eat away at the other members of your family with her present actions.
Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family
The best way to stop the affair is to make your self more attractive emotionally, and physicly. So start with a positive out look in letting her go and moving on, distance your self and your child from her. This will get her to second guess her choices when she see you distance your self and any friendship with her is out of the question.
Don't beg, and yes it sucks but until she she sees you with a positive additude and the large amount of time you spend with your kid she will start to think twice. Go work out/exirsice, get a hair cut and buy some new clothes.
The second thing is to expose it to work, family and friends. The intent here is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. Tell everyone you caught your wife's head in the lap of another man and would like there support in helping repair there marriage.
The last thing is stand your ground as you push her furture away and make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible, you only response to you wife should be "until you stop all contact with OM you and the kid are moving on"
She will want to give you all kinds of crap and will be really pissed, but at the end of the day she abandoned you and the kid, it is her choice to stop all contact or not.
The last thing that *may* end the affair is seeing a lawyer and have her served, it will take months for it to go to court, but this scare tactic can be very effective in stopping the affair. She will see how serious you are and again, making the affair inconvienent to continue. Filing for divorce is just that filing, it final, it can be withdrawn.
The point to all of this is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue, she needs to see the consequences, you looking better/behaving better, lose of work and income, humilation from family nad friends.
You no nothing about this guy so put the oxygen mask on your self 1st then but it on your child.
My point is this guy could hurt your kid, do not let your kid around your wife while she is with him. Talk to your lawyer about a moral clause. HENCE ANOTHER REASON TO TALK TO A LAWYER!
As painful as this is, you wanted to know how to stop the affair, in battle poeple get hurt, you are in a battle, make no mistake about that.
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Re: Need help with stopping affair to save my family 
