I agree, lot's of terrible advice on this thread by people who have either been cheated on or afraid it will happen in that wonderfully happy social construct called their marriage.
The shaming language is especially telling.
OP,
Do what makes you happy. Your kids only get traumatized if the parents act like total fuqtards about it.
What you are showing the kids now is not to follow their heart, but to live a life of conforming, settling and misery because it is the "right thing to do" in the eyes of other people who have no stake in it and at the end of the day will care less.
Do you want them to grow up and end up in a marriage just like yours?
Why do so many people rush to get married in what end up unfulfilling relationshops?
Because that is what everybody else does.
For at least half the population, taking the plunge is more like following the rest of the herd of sheeple off the cliff.
And just to be clear. I am not against marriage at all. I think nothing is better than a happy, mutually fulfilling, monogamous relationship.
What you are showing the kids now is not to follow their heart, but to live a life of conforming, settling and misery because it is the "right thing to do" in the eyes of other people who have no stake in it and at the end of the day will care less.
OR, what she may be showing them is that instead of standing by your commitments, supporting your spouse and doing the hard work necessary to have the rewards to reap in your own life, that it is better to hinge your happiness on others, constantly treating people like stepping stones, always looking for a better thing to use instead of creating the better thing with the resources you already have, that vows shouldn't be entered into lightly and that the risk outweighs the benefit, that marriage is basically a sham, so to never truly give themselves to someone they love but rather be alone in the world.
Who knows, its a gamble and considering how many people come to regret their divorces and the future it took away from their family there is no reason to think that the OP will even get her better man.
I think what we will agree on though is that when we lie to ourselves and are insincere with people it always leads to anguish.
Thank you to everyone who responded. You are correct that my husband doesn't deserve to be thought of as "second". Your opinions did help, if anything, verify what I already know, what I have done is wrong.
Just a little history, I had an abusive childhood. My father should never have married and had children. By the grace of God there were loving people in my life, but no good role model as far as men went.
To "Cheating Hubby", I said my husband was a nice man....no where did I say he put me on a pedastal. My husband has hurt me physically and emotionally in the past. We did get counselling briefly and this occured 18 years ago. GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS SOMETIMES. He has not hit me since. He is a good man and I am a good woman.
I did not go out to hurt him. My feelings for this OM have been under wraps for 20 years!! I have done a very good job at keeping them in check until now.
I am not going to encourage OM. I need a clear head to decide if I really intruly love my husband. The OM will NEVER leave his family and I don't want to be used either. I want someone who is happy everyday that I am in their life and make me feel it.
Part of the attraction to OM is that he is a wonderful father. The kind of Dad any daughter would want. He is kind, loving, funny, and sweet.
I will figure this out. I do not feel good lying, I really am a good person with a good heart.
Thank you all again...no need to respond further to my posting.
Part of the attraction to OM is that he is a wonderful father. The kind of Dad any daughter would want. He is kind, loving, funny, and sweet.
I will figure this out. I do not feel good lying, I really am a good person with a good heart.
The other person always has some quality that is lacking from our spouses that we latch on to. For me it was because I was always accustomed to the bad girl who put out and liked to have a good time.
My wife was the good girl, studied hard and boy did I have to zip up my pants waiting to get some. I was actually contemplating bailing after a month because she hadn't put out but my best friend persuaded me to wait it out. She didn't put out for over 6 months and I waited. I'm used to 2 or 3 dates at most before her.
As to the OM being a great father, on the outside he might seem like super dad but you don't know how he is with them alone and at home. I've seen fathers and mothers who were thought to be the perfect parent but alone with their kids they were monsters.
When we look at the OM/OW what we see is a mirror. We look at them and say wow, they're so much like me and we have so much in common. Look closer at the mirror and then you start to see all the cracks and broken pieces that they have glued together to make themselves look better.
It's like the 2 perfect couple when they are dating. Once they move in, all hell breaks loose and they find out they weren't such a good match after all. Live with the perfect OM/OW for a while and most of the time you'll want to shoot yourself for being so stupid (I was there)
Yes I was practically living with the OW 1/2 of the time at the end of the affair. As long as we were drinking we had lots of fun. No alcohol and it was sitting at the TV watching a movie and not much else. But to me that was heaven because my mind had convinced me it was heaven at that point.
And to your husband beating you, do you feel there is still some deep resentment (hidden) somewhere?
Why do you love someone who didn't want you years ago? He picked another woman over you already, why would you think he'll want you now? The only rush now is the forbidden love of it all. If he wanted you, he would've picked you back in the day. He didn't.
Love is a verb.
You stop loving them by ... stopping loving them. It's like "how do you stop jumping up and down". You just stop. Love your husband.
Anyway, there is nothing wrong with having a set of consistent morals. You sound like you're still in early 20s at most, but trust me, it will grow on you.
Why do you love someone who didn't want you years ago? He picked another woman over you already, why would you think he'll want you now? The only rush now is the forbidden love of it all. If he wanted you, he would've picked you back in the day. He didn't.
Love is a verb.
You stop loving them by ... stopping loving them. It's like "how do you stop jumping up and down". You just stop. Love your husband.
Bravo Lou. This was the only response that was needed to the OP. What do I do? You love your husband dimwit and cut the crap out with fantasy man. How long is that gonna last. Good god I cannot stand it that so many people never graduate from high school romance.
Anyway, there is nothing wrong with having a set of consistent morals. You sound like you're still in early 20s at most, but trust me, it will grow on you.
I certainly never claimed anything to the contrary.
You must be one of the ones who has either been cheated on or is insecure it could happen to you.
I certainly never claimed anything to the contrary.
You must be one of the ones who has either been cheated on or is insecure it could happen to you.
Of course I've been cheated on. Look around, Sherlock, this is what this whole sub-forum is about, so my reason for hanging out here is pretty obvious.
I am not here to tell people they can't feel a certain way.
I just don't understand what the shaming language accomplishes, especially when it is directed at somebody who comes here and honestly discloses how they're in a less than ideal situation. That's indicative of at least having some concious.
They're obviously lost and want help.
Of course I can admit I was indeed shaming the shamers, so I guess I'm a hypocrite.
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