Let me begin by saying that I've been lurking here for 4 months or so reading all the horrible stories of infidelity. I'm sort of at a crossroads and need some words of advice.
In February of 2010 my wife of 18years and a former hs friend made contact on Facebook and eventually began to have an affair. Things had not been great between the two of us due to an illness of hers, an illness to my son and dimentia that my wifes father became ill with. It put a lot of stress on her and nothing I did seemed to make much of a difference. She just got more and more distant and angry. Anyway, In June or July of 2010 we got into a large argument and she finally told me that she was doubting that she could continue in the marriage. At this point her affair was still hidden from me but I started probing and in August I found her at his house. Of course over the months she denied and denied that there was anything going on other than a friendship. She claimed that he listened to her problems better than I could. At one point she had me convinced that this was the case and I tried to be accepting but it was very difficult. Despite my request for her to be more open with her friendship, she continued to hide things and I continued to probe. I eventually put a keylogger on her computer and along with information gathered there and from her cellphone records I realized that she was indeed having an affair. After many confrontations and with me still vowing to fix our marriage, I gave up around April of 2011. She and my daughter began looking for an apartment to move into. She continued to deceive me and at the end of June I paid her first months rent for her to move sooner than she planned. She and my daughter moved out (my daughters choice so she could keep my wife company). My son and I stayed in the house. We had already filed for separation. My son blew her plan apart when he announced that he would NOT be moving with her. My wife continually told me that she did not want a divorce because she needed my health care coverage. Not sure why but I agreed to this. Perhaps as a way to keep her in my life. Who knows. Anyway, in July I started to date a wonderful woman. My wife continued to see her old boyfriend. I tried everything to be a decent ex. I really did not want to argue with her. She and her boyfriend broke up in September. In November she began talking about reconcilitation. For some stupid reason around Christmas I jumped at the chance and told my girlfriend than I was going to reconcile with her. I really didn't feel good about this and after a week I broke down and told the wife that I couldn't go thru with it. I had prematurely jumped at the opportunity before really thinking it thru. Over the next few months she began to interfere with my dating using the kids to do so. It got to the point that my girlfriend told me that she felt like the other woman. At this point it got to be too much for me. I was hurting my girlfriend because I couldn't make a stand against my wife. I decided I needed to stop dating until I could come to terms with it. After my wife heard the news that I broke things off, she immediately started campaigning in to move back in. We've been going to counseling but I'm having a tough time with this. I do love my wife but we've gone thru so much and I'm just not sure what I want anymore. It almost feels as if something inside of me has died. I just can't seem to get excited about seeing her or having much interaction with her. She is very remorseful about what she's done, has admitted to her wrong doings, has continued to go to counseling and has begun to attend church again. I know that she is sincere but I'm worried that she just misses her life and not me or our marriage. I took good care of her and the kids and not having that has been tough on her.
I know I've left out a ton of details so ask if you need to know but I really need to hear some opinions.
Her remorse is fake, her attending church isn't sincere. For the love of god please stop letting her treat you like a doormat and move on. There are plenty of loyal woman that would make you wonder why you got stuck with your current wife.
Just like you stated, "her plan fell apart" your hurting b/c you know you are her second choice and you emotionally torture your self b/c she has a way of managing you.
She continues to give you just a little pit so you stay in *her* marriage of convienence. This is her marriage and not yours. What has she done to help you heal and rebuild *your* marriage with her?
You need to make a life changing choice here and until you can walk away from this marriage without anger and can walk away with a smile on your face then you will continue to struggle.
Get this monkey off your back once and for all, b/c it appears your wife is not taking the step to help you heal and you are not taking the step to forgive her for the pain she gave you.
Why would your wife's plan to move to an apartment with your daughter be blown apart just because your son decided not to go with her?
When she first consulted an attorney she was told that due to the difference in our income that she would probably be granted a bit of alimony along with child support. The alimony fell thru when she finally revealed the affair. Her child support effectively got reduced to half when my son wouldn't live with her. Suddenly she found herself with barely enough money to survive on.
And therin appears the truth.
The lies with infidelity rarely stop at the act itself. For the betrayer it becomes a huge act of self preservation on all fronts.
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I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
OK, let me brief you in. He dumped her. She couldn't leech off him anymore, and without a decent alimony stream couldn't support herself either. So she decided to move back to you for now.
Now, let's go through it point by point:
- If her lover didn't dump her, she wouldn't have come back
- If your son moved along with her ensuring the revenue, she wouldn't have come back
- If she (*gasp*) had strength to work and provide for herself, she wouldn't be with you now
OK, let me brief you in. He dumped her. She couldn't leech off him anymore, and without a decent alimony stream couldn't support herself either. So she decided to move back to you for now.
Now, let's go through it point by point:
- If her lover didn't dump her, she wouldn't have come back
- If your son moved along with her ensuring the revenue, she wouldn't have come back
- If she (*gasp*) had strength to work and provide for herself, she wouldn't be with you now
Yes, I know he dumped her. Apparently he has commitment issues.
Yes, I know if she was living financially comfortable that everything would be different.
She's actually not with me now. She wants to be but isn't. I've taken a break from her. No contact.
She keeps asking what she can do to help me to heal and to forgive her. I really don't know what to say to that. I'm not sure if there's anything she can do. I'm not angry with her anymore but I am bitter.
One thing I asked her for was no contact with the guy. I needed to hear her break it off with him once and for all. She did talk to him but she denied me the opportunity to hear it as I requested. I just fired off an angry email to her about this. It's been bugging me for several weeks now that she again took her own feelings into account first and mine became secondary.
Just like you stated, "her plan fell apart" your hurting b/c you know you are her second choice and you emotionally torture your self b/c she has a way of managing you.
She continues to give you just a little pit so you stay in *her* marriage of convienence. This is her marriage and not yours. What has she done to help you heal and rebuild *your* marriage with her?
You need to make a life changing choice here and until you can walk away from this marriage without anger and can walk away with a smile on your face then you will continue to struggle.
Get this monkey off your back once and for all, b/c it appears your wife is not taking the step to help you heal and you are not taking the step to forgive her for the pain she gave you.
Can you give me some examples of what she could do to help me heal?
Tell her you can give a try to R, but you want to maintain status quo (being financially separate) until you find strength to forgive.
If she is genuine, it will not be a problem. But I bet her attitude will change momentarily as she hears it.
I certainly can't see her moving back into the house with me. Not now. That also means that she has to continue to pay her own way (which she has been doing) and not rely on me. Her lease is up at the end of June. She has to give 60 days notice as to her intentions to stay or leave. She's been campaigning to give notice of her departure. I've been pretty clear that if she wants to leave the apartment that she needs to look elsewhere.
The fact that she wanted to stay married to you while she carried on with the other man just for your health insurance is disturbing.
The fact that he dumped her and only then, after about a year and a half, she came back to you, is disturbing.
Are you willing to accept her back. She may treat you civilly in return for your financial security, but I don't think you will find much love there.
Already, you have asked her to break it off with the other guy in front of you and she says she did, but didn't let you hear it. She may have told him, this is your last chance, I really want you and not my husband, but I will go back to my husband if you don't take me back now. It's doubtful she broke it off if she didn't let you hear it. She had everything to gain by letting you hear it and nothing to lose.
We can give you advice on how to try to heal the relationship with your wife and what she can do, but she also can fake it and wind up leaving you again if the other man shows renewed interest at some point in the future. We can't see into her heart. She lied so much, about everything, and seems to continue to lie even now.
If she wanted to help you heal, the first step would be a handwritten no contact letter to the other man, telling him she is horribly ashamed of her behavior and how terrible she fears for what she's done to her husband and family, and that she does not want him to contact her ever again, through any means whatsoever, and if he ever does try to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. She should give the letter to you so you can have her make any changes you would like, then give it to you to put in the mail. No contact means also no looking at his Facebook page, etc.
Next, she would have to give you access to all her communication devices and accounts and she would have to account for her wherabouts 24/7 until you feel comfortable.
Also, I would suggest she must commit, with you, to working on fixing whatever was wrong with her that made her cheat instead of just divorce you if she was so unhappy in the marriage. She and you must commit to work on your individual faults and decide what you want your marriage to be like going forward. How much time together? How much sex? Etc.
These things she should do enthusiastically, not begrudgingly. I hear that you were much to blame for the bad marriage, but she also had some blame for that and cheating was not the way to fix the bad marriage.
Just from what you posted, I don't see why you would want to work it out, but you know the situation better than me and there's probably a bunch that you left out. To some degree, you also have to follow your heart. She is saying the right things now, it would seem, but still not doing the right things - the only action that you've told us about, not giving the no contact message to the other man in front of you.
Do you want to try to reconcile with your wife or call it quits?
Can you spend the rest of you life being the second choice?
You should apologize to the new girl. You totally used her as a rebound.
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She keeps asking what she can do to help me to heal and to forgive her.
Good that she asked you. Tell her that you already forgave her. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to take her back. For you heal, she needs to stop contacting you. She made her bed. Let her sleep on it. Help her to move on if you have to as she is the mother of your children
You also seem to resent her a lot for the lies and what she put you through. I think you cannot have a proper relationship with her again. The trusts required for relationship will never be there
I would test the waters and have her hand write a letter of apology to both your children wherein she acknowledges her adultery and does not blame you in any way. She hand writes a no contact letter (template in the newbie thread) but with a change where she uses the word adultery and affair. This is done in your presence and posted by you. She writes the answers to any question you have about the affair no matter how bad it is , you can choose to read the answers or not. Even after this I would not commit to any R with her nor have her return to your home.
Once the above is done she has to evidence she loves you and you alone. You can then decide if you want her in your life.
In the interim cancel her healthcare and any other items you are carrying the cost for her .
These are small requirements , are not designed to punish her but are an opportunity for her to do what must be done to show you she loves you. Posted via Mobile Device
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Mixed feelings 
