If you think that it's all on you that she's traveling off to Paris with her boyfriend/boss and leaving it up to you to find a way to "save your marriage", you can rest assured that you will fail and she will continue to blame you while she is leaving with your kids.
Complacency is the death of any relationship and working to save it in no way includes signing off on a wayward spouse affairs.
All out of magic pills. I reordered but they are on backorder right now.
Jobill,
Your marriage has three people in it. It can only have two. If you do not remove the other man your wife will remove you. By not taking action you are allowing others to act for you.
You need to educate yourself about women. The more you tolerate this, the more you debase yourself in your wife's eyes. After all, she gets moist for the kind of man who fvcks other men's wives.
In her eyes you're a "gamma" she took pity on and her boss is an "alpha." You need to get a clue and start moving toward alpha very fast. The easiest way to do that is to take out the OM. That can be literal (not generally recommended) or operationally (exposure to OM's wife). Otherwise, you might as well help pick the lingerie she's going to wear for her lover while they are together in Paree.
Your post is very sad and everyone knows how this will end. She is going to Paris with her lover/boss to Paris. How sweet for them. I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's. You are in very strong denial and somehow believe in the concept of magical thoughts.
It is so obvious that you have self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Your wife has no problem making you look like a fool. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not expose the affair to the OM's spouse that you really are a fool. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Maybe if you stood up for yourself and see an attorney to understand your options she would take notice. Right now there is absolutely no reason for her to change her behavior. It is so sad that you are in such denial. Good luck because you need it.
You NEED to expose.
Let her boss make the choice of whether he wants her or his wife (99% chance he'll go for his wife)
Start divorce proceedings and leave you wife with nothing to do but stare in horror as her fantasy crumbles.
Then, when the bridges are burnt, the secrets are out and she is forced to face what has happened your marriage may have a chance.
__________________
I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
Numb, he's not ripe for it yet. To act tough love you have to mean it, and he's not anywhere near there. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe never. He will not listen to the advice.
Start divorce proceedings and leave you wife with nothing to do but stare in horror as her fantasy crumbles.
Then, when the bridges are burnt, the secrets are out and she is forced to face what has happened your marriage may have a chance.
How can there be a chance when he destroys her fantasy?
She chose the other guy because she doesn't want him.
So he's supposed to destroy what she has with the other guy so she'll pick him as a second choice?
All he's going to do is piss her off and she'll want to get even, usually with a shark divorce attorney that costs them both a lot of money.
Best thing to do. Look in the mirror, acknowledge it's over and it's just you left now and walk away from her, keeping as much of your stuff as you can. Including your dignity.
Jobill, I was in your position a few months ago - and folks on this forum saved me (even though they thought I was being a total wuss about it all).
You feel like a scorched earth approach of confrontation and full exposure will drive her away. You are afraid that she will leave you. You want to be gentle and nudge her out of her affair.
I tried all those things the first time. Two months later, I found out that the lies had gotten worse. The reason is that she is in a fog - she is irrational and she is just in no position to make a rational choice. It took a really aggressive line to wake her up.
The ONLY way to kill the affair, is to make it an inconvenient pain in the ass for both of them.
Tell the boss's wife everything you know.
Confront your wife about everything.
Tell your wife that going to Paris together will lead to you filing papers.
Tell her parents and close friends what you know.
Then get ready for a firestorm - but things will get better on the other side. Or not, and then you could move on knowing you did what you needed to.
The ONLY way to kill the affair, is to make it an inconvenient pain in the ass for both of them.
Tell the boss's wife everything you know.
Confront your wife about everything.
Tell your wife that going to Paris together will lead to you filing papers.
Tell her parents and close friends what you know.
Then get ready for a firestorm - but things will get better on the other side. Or not, and then you could move on knowing you did what you needed to.
Things could get a whole lot worse.
People that give advice that says "in a pathetic attempt to get him or her back and fix the marriage, you must kill the affair and destroy the OM or OW's life!" have obviously never been through a high conflict divorce.
WALK AWAY.
Get a neat, clean, peaceful divorce and cut your losses. Don't rile up the enemy with useless shots over their bow.
You are coming up with excuses to cover up the fact that you are afraid of change and loss.
Here is a newsflash-the change and loss already happened. You just didn't realize it until now because your wife kept it a secret from you.
Welcome to reality. You have been living an illusion, due to your understandable attempts to live in denial. How has it been working for you?
Does your situation suck? Yes.
Will sticking your head in the sand help? No.
Will sticking your head in the sand make it worse? Yes.
You can continue to be treated with disrespect and let your wife cake eat, you can walk away, or you can raise hell.
Only raising hell will potentially save your marriage. If it does, it will get worse before it gets better, but you at least have a chance with option 3.
Your life, your choice. Your choices so far have gotten you where you are today, which is in an awful place. MAYBE you should consider trying something different-Manning up.
Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.
I want to be constructive, not destructive.
Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...
We build too much together, gome thrue too much to drop it dead like that.
There has to be another solution...
You wish to take no firm action then. I see. Nothing to change the situation. Ok. You are done then. Let her go and move on. Taking no action enables her further, but you may be better off just leaving before she throws you out.
Then in all seriousness get a hobby and let your wife have her affairs. Just be a submissive and don't rock the boat. She will decide when you must leave. Maybe when she gets back from her fling with her BF.
You should try to work on yourself so that when she finally detaches you will not be so in love with her any more. Maybe you can reduce the hurt that way. So as they say let her go. You taking no action does not save the marriage.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-11-2012 at 02:33 PM.
She says she has feelings for him and they are going to Paris together.
She tells you that she loves you but that you should turn the page.
You may have been an ass, you may have been a bad husband but that does not excuse or make it okay to have an affair in front of you.
It does not make it your fault.
This post makes me very sad because you have set yourself up to lose her, in fact you already have lost her. The woman you loved is going to Paris in Spring with another man.
By saying to yourself that you will not leave her and that she deserves a year for your seven of being an ass you have set yourself up for limbo for a few years until she leaves you in disgust.
Why do you think her feelings for this strong, sexy man who takes her to Paris will diminish on their own? The longer you leave it, the less chance you have.
The thing is. She wants both. She wants you at home and she wants a part time affair with the man with three kids. She wants it to remain in the dark at his end. As long as they can exist in the grey area of an affair they will continue.
Why wouldn't they?
As everyone says..
EXPOSE and EXPOSE the affair now.
I suspect if my exposure had been successful [not intercepted] twelve months ago I would still be married now.
The longer this goes on, the less chance you have. Affairs do not die a natural death. They get stronger.
YOU have to kill it. NOW.
Tell the guys wife before it goes physical. You all then have a chance.
People that give advice that says "in a pathetic attempt to get him or her back and fix the marriage, you must kill the affair and destroy the OM or OW's life!" have obviously never been through a high conflict divorce.
WALK AWAY.
Get a neat, clean, peaceful divorce and cut your losses. Don't rile up the enemy with useless shots over their bow.
The problem here is there is no "Neat clean Divorce"
There are 4 kids involved and the four adults involved are going to have to have a a relationship for the rest of their lives.
This affair relies on secrecy and being an added extra.
Exposure just brings the relationship into the light. This is fair on everyone including the affair partners, because at the moment..
Both AP are lying to their children
One AP is lying to his wife.
One AP is attempting to have both.
After Exposure all parties can make decisions based on the reality of the situation. Not this little Paris in Spring time fantasy.
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Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's 
