Get a neat, clean, peaceful divorce and cut your losses. Don't rile up the enemy with useless shots over their bow.
This makes no sense. What about all the former waywards who have woken up from their fog - and realized how deeply delusional they were?
Right now, OP is dealing with a shell of a human being. You don't divorce the zombie. You give the spouse a fighting chance to come out of the fog. If she doesn't wake up, you proceed to D. If she does wake up, you then sit down and figure out what you want to do.
This makes no sense. What about all the former waywards who have woken up from their fog - and realized how deeply delusional they were?
Right now, OP is dealing with a shell of a human being. You don't divorce the zombie. You give the spouse a fighting chance to come out of the fog. If she doesn't wake up, you proceed to D. If she does wake up, you then sit down and figure out what you want to do.
Agreed.
What do healthy adults do who want out of a marriage?
Hint: they don't create parallel fantasy lives with inappropriate/unavailable partners.
Affairs are ESCAPIST, ADDICTIVE behaviors. They are a cry for help in many cases.
My WS didn't divorce me--he begged for our marriage back. But not until the fantasy went 'poof.' Posted via Mobile Device
I want you guys to understand that it I f*** up big time and she stood by me no matter what: The drugs, the alcohol, the gambling and all the rest...
I do understand that she is wrong and I am not excusing it in any way, I just dont think that it is fair to her as I have put her thrue so much... Maybe she needs to explore this fantasy to get back to our reality?
I liked the 2 last posts these give me a glimmer of hope that she might get out of the fog and we can move on. I also know that it will be never be the same, it already isnt but as I keep on saying we (WE not ME) have survived so much that this is BS compared to the rest.
If it is to end then f*** it let it be, but I will be true to sticking by her as she stood by me in those time...
Is that wrong? Most of you think so... My little girl gives me the strengh right now and I have to stay strong for her as she will be detroyed by a split up...
I would really would like to have some input of people that have taken the hard road and manage to salvage their families. The hard road being accepting the reality, be patient see what happens...
I believe destroying everything is alot easier than building. There will always be time to destroy, but I am ready to give it time.
As for manning up, yeah of course, I could get back to the old ways, but the truth is all this is making me a better man. Paradoxal I guess... Well nontheless a fact, I dont drink, do drugs, gamble, lost 20kg and am a much better father than I ever was... Is that bad?
Is being a man destying everything? Is being a man suckin it all in for the best and / or the worst? I dont know...
You really seem to make effort on misreading everything people tell you here.
Nobody tells you to pick up drinking, drugs or gambling. Manning up does not mean that. Just stand for yourself. As long as you are in fear, you aren't going anywhere.
Nobody tells you to destroy everything. Everybody tells you to destroy the affair, because as long as the affair continues, you stand ZERO chance to get her back.
Now please read the above sentence again. When I say ZERO I mean ZERO, 0, none, nada. No, not 1 in 100. No, your case is not special. No, writing her love poems and doing laundry better will not make her love you again.
You are not standing by her side, my friend. You are on laying on the floor, and she is wiping her feet on you.
You really seem to make effort on misreading everything people tell you here.
Nobody tells you to pick up drinking, drugs or gambling. Manning up does not mean that. Just stand for yourself. As long as you are in fear, you aren't going anywhere.
Nobody tells you to destroy everything. Everybody tells you to destroy the affair, because as long as the affair continues, you stand ZERO chance to get her back.
Now please read the above sentence again. When I say ZERO I mean ZERO, 0, none, nada. No, not 1 in 100. No, your case is not special. No, writing her love poems and doing laundry better will not make her love you again.
You are not standing by her side, my friend. You are on laying on the floor, and she is wiping her feet on you.
Its underground now just another f*** up on my part... She knows I know isnt that enought? Let her get out of the fog? I mean FFS I seem to be in a loose loose situation...
Its underground now just another f*** up on my part... She knows I know isnt that enought? Let her get out of the fog? I mean FFS I seem to be in a loose loose situation...
No. Unfortunately, this is not enough. She knows you will put up with this. Why should she bother?
As long as her affair is comfortable, she has no motivation to stop it. Why would she? Out of respect to you? But would she have started it in the first place if she respected you?
Just think a bit. You knowing it does not change much.
You have to kill the affair. The most certain way to kill an affair is to expose it. To HR, to his wife.
You have to command respect. The shortest path to it is to respect yourself first. To be able to say "no" when it has to be said.
And if there is ever a situation to say firm "no", it's where you are now.
I don't really think you'll do any of that now, but writing this more in hope than when you get tired from your guts being wrenched, you will recall it.
Jobill, if you wallow in the guilt over your mistakes, that will be your life- until the end. Life is too precious to waste in this way. Moving on from a bad situation does not necessarily have to be destructive; it can be reconstructive. Moving on may mean drawing a line in the sand and forcing her to make a choice to divorce or to commit to rebuilding your marriage and your family. In the end, though, the choice is really yours. Don't be like the frog who sits in boiling water until he's dead. Get out of the pot, one way or the other.
I would really would like to have some input of people that have taken the hard road and manage to salvage their families. The hard road being accepting the reality, be patient see what happens...
You are going to come back here someday and look at the words you wrote, and think....
"OMG, WTF was I thinking!?!?!"
It will happen. Bank on it.
g me.
Hey mate. Not sure what u are telling me. I have red many of your threads and you seem very educated on the matter.
What would your advice be? I just dont know what to do mate? On one hand you say that there is nothing to do and on the other there is all the expose expose factor.
From what I understood there is nothing I can do, I have to suck it up and wait for the fog to go or what?
I would really appreciate your input.
Agreed.
What do healthy adults do who want out of a marriage?
Hint: they don't create parallel fantasy lives with inappropriate/unavailable partners.
Affairs are ESCAPIST, ADDICTIVE behaviors. They are a cry for help in many cases.
My WS didn't divorce me--he begged for our marriage back. But not until the fantasy went 'poof.' Posted via Mobile Device
If you liked my post did you read my other one??
How do you think you end her fantasy?
Not by enabling her addiction.
Look, I treated my hubs like sh** for 2 or 3 years. I was emotionally abusive at times (I plead 2 tiny kids, exhaustion, and a massive sense of entitlement I've since killed dead). But I NEVER saw that as a license to cheat. He even cheated thru 6 mos of MC!!
It took years for him to be ready to give up the EA, it was because I was doing the 180 unwittingly, working on being my best self. And I needed that *regardless* of his ultimate choice to stay. Posted via Mobile Device
Hey mate. Not sure what u are telling me. I have red many of your threads and you seem very educated on the matter.
What would your advice be? I just dont know what to do mate? On one hand you say that there is nothing to do and on the other there is all the expose expose factor.
From what I understood there is nothing I can do, I have to suck it up and wait for the fog to go or what?
I would really appreciate your input.
I never say there is nothing to do. If you have ever heard me say do nothing, its a combination of sarcasm and resignation. Some people can't do anything, and not because there is nothing to do. It's because they don't have the resolve and don't have the strength to do what is nessasary. It's tough, the recommendations you get are counter intuative given your smogged state of mind right now.
There are realities here that you can not escape, no matter how much you want to. There will be so many things that you will learn along this journey. But, your not ready to listen. The horrible irony is, when you are ready to listen and ready to take action... It will be too too far gone.
I'm sorry man, it is what it is. Your not changing it and your situation is not unique. We've all seen this exact story play out so many times. It stings to read it again and again and again.
You are standing in your house watching it be consumed by flames while holding a firehose in your hands all the time sighing "there's nothing I can do."
You are choosing to be a passive observer watching the destruction of your marriage. NOBODY is successful waiting for their spouse to come out of the fog on their own. Unless they are seeking a divorce.
35Likes
Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's 
