My coming out... Q's looking for A's
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-11-2012, 03:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Hello to all...

I've been checking the forum for quite some time now and although sometimes helpful it also bring lots of confusion...

So here's my story:
Married 8 years together 10. A beautiful little girl 8 yo.
We have a 10 year age difference, in my 40's she is in her 30's.
We both work and make a nice living. I have contributed to her climbing the corporate ladder and she is now regarded as a great specialist in her field. We are from different countries. I have groomed her, so to say, and I am now in a total wreck as I hear her say, thank you now I am a grown self esteemed woman, I need my space and privacy etc... I love you, you are family, I want it to work...

I have been an ******* to her for years and have not taken the necesseary steps in time to fix the relationship even if I love her deeply.

She is now having a EA with her boss and I tried to confront her but her reaction was typical denial... We are friends, yes I have bond with him and bla bla bla but there is no cheating... I had the evidence but never used it as I though and believe I was invading her privacy... All about love, understanding etc...
I do believe it is not yet physical but for how long...?

I think that they are now seriously underground as he is also married with 3 kids! The openess of the EA has ceased and it sort of makes me feel better but now I just dont know if it has ended or not! They are going on a BT in Paris in a couple weeks and I just dont know...

She asked me to turn the page to save our family and marriage but I get overwhelmed and confused as to what to do. I have taken steps to take care of myself, take good care of our daughter as I am handling the responsabilities
But I find myself shifting from one attitude to another regarding her EA. Sometimes I try the 180, sometimes I just show love and compassion etc etc... The "limbo" feeling is agonizing...

I went to therapy that didnt help... I am just totally f*** lost...

I do know this:
- I want it to work
- I have to make it work
- She gave me 7 years of trying, I can give her 1?

I have found alot of useful information but as you can see by my post my thoughts are just disparate and I cannot seem to get myself on 1 specific behaviour pattern...

Thank you for anyone reading and I greatly would appreciate advice on how to handle this.

Please keep in mind that I will not leave her.
'
Cordially.

C.
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

You are zipping all over the place here, which is understandable given your emotions at this time.
Do you have any evidence of what's been going on?
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobill4444 View Post
Please keep in mind that I will not leave her.
She also keeps that in mind, and thus can do pretty much anything she will.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Yes I did have evidence but stoped going on that path.
I know, I accept it and I want to deal with it.

As far as her doing what she wants, yes I do understand that but I cannot change the way I feel.

The difficult parts are :
- Coping with the fact
- Realizing that I am responsible for our problems
- Maybe even accept the fact.... FFS!!!

Just have to find a behaviour pattern that will keep me focused.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Don't take responsibility for HER actions.
Use the proof you have and expose it to his wife, and don't tell your wife that you're going to do this.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

A few questions for you:

Why is she still working with the man she is having an affair with?
If you have evidence why have you not called his wife?
If you have evidence why have you not informed his HR department?

Unless you do the above you have zero chance of your marriage recovering.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.

I want to be constructive, not destructive.

Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...

We build too much together, gome thrue too much to drop it dead like that.

There has to be another solution...
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jobill4444 View Post
Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...
By not pulling the plug you ARE throwing it away - trust me. I - and many others - made the same mistake.
You need to expose and force the fantasy to support reality. Then, and only then, will you have any chance of saving the marriage.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

You don't want to destruct their affair, then the affair will destruct you. It's as simple as that. Infidelity is a hard problem, there are no painless recipes to make everything work. Sorry that this is not what you want to hear.

You have a long and hopeless road of pain ahead of you.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobill4444 View Post
Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.

I want to be constructive, not destructive.

Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...

We build too much together, gome thrue too much to drop it dead like that.

There has to be another solution...
Your not a fool but you are in some serious denial , a clear case of fear to save your marriage.

Get a VAR and velcro it under her car seat, load a keylogger, get hold of her text messages and bust this affair wide open or , pack your bags in readiness for an impending marriage break up . Your marriage can survive an exposure and her leaving her job it cannot survive her ongoing adultery.


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Old 04-11-2012, 05:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Read the newbie thread, guidelines and supporting posts have been placed therein to help the BS :

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

There is one thing you may need to keep in mind. If they are throwing around the word "love" there is a very good chance it will become physical in Paris. You could just come out and ask why she was using the word "love" with him, you would not have to divulge how you know. Let her think someone from the office contacted you. Make her explain and let her know if it does goes physical, she will not learn from you that you know but from your lawyer. It would be best to let the OM's wife know but if you are not willing to go in that direction you need to at least approach your wife prior to her trip.
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

1st things is you are in some sort of denial. You will not leave her but she will definitely leave you if you do not take some critical but harsh steps.

2) What kind of evidence do you have?

3) Why do you think there was no physical affair?


In the mean time, read the stories around here. See how husbands like you who are in denial are wiped the floor with by their cheating spouses. She looked you straight in the eyes and lies. She could do anything now. The faster you realize this, the better. Every betrayed spouse thinks that their spouse is unique case of infidelity. You will soon realize these are all common patterns in infidelity issues.
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Why do you think searching for proof is wrong, but you are accusing your wife of infidelity and betrayal based on feelings? I say that is far more wrong than collecting hard proof for yourself of exactly what is happening.

You don't want to confront her or tell anyone? If she is having an affair, all you're doing is living a lie.

This group learned THE HARD WAY. We tried your way and FAILED. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth. Be brave and not a coward to save your marriage.
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Last edited by iheartlife; 04-11-2012 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My coming out... Q's looking for A's

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobill4444 View Post
Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.

I want to be constructive, not destructive.

Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...

We build too much together, gome thrue too much to drop it dead like that.

There has to be another solution...
There can only be recovery once the affair is DONE.

The affair is taking her away from the marriage.

She won't respect any man that would allow his wife to be taken by another man.

You are letting him take her away by not acting. You have become a defender and enabler of the affair.

Until you realize that your only hope is to kill the affair by any means - you will continue to be a cuckold.

You must make the affair too costly for him to continue - you do that by exposing the evidence to his wife which he IS also cheating on.
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