Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-11-2012, 04:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Well, here we go. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have no children together, i have a 12 year old boy. My wife has three girls, ages 28-19 from 2 different marriages. Over the years these girls have been a big part of my life as well as I in theirs.(i.e; weddings, baptisms etc.) my wife's family is relatively large ( compared to mine) an for the most part pretty close. As time would have it, I have had a pretty close relationship with all of them, with really no objections to any of them an vice-versa.

Background of the marriage: ( In a nutshell)

We were married in Nov. of 2002, after living together for a year, and as any newlyweds very much in love an ready to start our lives together. (This was my wife's third marriage an my first.) In the first coming years, Life was grand. Then, in 2004 I had gotten into a long an emotional battle with my sons mother. (lets just call her the "egg donor.") for custody. Which, at the time my wife was very involved and dedicated to getting "my son" to be part of our new family. The custody battle went on for 4 years and covered 4 counties and 2 states. To no avail, I did not get custody.

During this period of time my wife was having some medical problems, health wise. She at the time was 38 and I was 32. Financially we were pretty sound had bought a house, boat an some toys, etc. For the next 3 years things were great, oh dont get me wrong we had our share of marital arguments. As any married couple we worked thru our difference's, and excelled at our marriage. In 2005 my wifes health problems blossomed into month after month of doctors visits an two major back surgeries. Each one putting her out of service for 6-9 months of no work and lots of bed rest. This went on for 2 years. During this time I was there to take care of her night and day to make sure that her needs were met, in aiding in her recovery.

Moving forward to 2007, another blow of serious unforeseeable medical problems arose. My wife needed a total knee replacement. Following the news of that was heart wrenching event, the housing crash. I have made my living as a construction worker for 15 years, an made a dam good living at it. Now, 2 things that were dear to me were becoming torn apart beyond my control. So being the "bread winner" of the house, and having three step children in the house, an no work available locally, I WENT OUT OF TOWN to go to work.

To this point our marriage was considered ideal, an functional.This out of town work paid very well, so if I could not be with my wife in our home I would pay to have her come stay with me, for a couple weeks at a time. I would make it home once every couple of weeks for a day, and then right back at it. Working 14 hour days 6-7 days a week in some pretty nasty conditions.( -40 temps an 50 mph winds for weeks) I did this off an on for 4 years. In my time off "we" would go on lavish "mini" vacations. I had made a commitment to my wife to take care of her in every way possible, especially now in her time of need after the 18 month back surgery recovery. I realize that the lifestyle was not ideal but we were happy an we got to keep all the stuff we had worked so hard for.( house, boat, toys etc.)
so for the next 3.5 years I told my wife "you dont have to worry about working if you dont want to." this was difficult for my wife, because she was a nurse, supported herself an her three girls but again, we made it work.

Flashing ahead to april 2010, I come off a job (my last job) to my our home to find the doors locked as always when I 'am out of town, only to find my wife holding the door closed as I'am trying to get in, an the locks are changed. So my heart pounding an adrenaline fearing what I thought would never happen, suddenly become so real. So I proceeded to kick the door, And demand that I be let into my house! AS several minutes go by an no response from my wife, I was greeted by 4 deputy sheriffs, that proceeded to haul me to jail for my first ever disorderly conduct/domestic charge. An under my states domestic laws ( after I have my mother bail me out of jail at 3:00a.m.) i find out that I cannot contact her go to my own home, or have someone contact her for me for 72 hours. At this point I 'am just "leveled" with what is happening to me. And more so that my beloved wife is the one doing this.

After the 72hour not contact, i go to our home only to find that the place has been emptied of "all" of my things an most of hers, and that she sold most of my tools, laptop, wide screen t.v. etc. with only her response that the house payment needed to be made. ( when it was only a day late) At this point I am furious an proceed to move the little of my things out. As I'am doing this, she blesses me with the info that three years ago she had an affair, with "our" so called best friend. I'm floored again! I move my stuff out an maintain a very distant an distraught relationship with her, for the next three months.

After many phone calls an partial conversations with her I somehow figure that yes i will go to counseling. that lasted about 8 months. Some of the counseling was good, it felt good to tell her how I felt truly and that what a piece Of !@#$ I thought she was doing that to me after everything I had sacrificed for her, and not putting myself first But morally following my vows I made with her 9 years prior.

Zipping along to april 2012... We have been living apart, but still together an married for a year this month. She had told me the whole deal, followed by her countless apologies an trying to make it work.I am at a cross roads at this point now, i still love her, but I'm not "in " love with her.I would like to see if it would work again, but.. I had told my wife one thing about me prior to us getting married an her accepting my proposal. Was As follows; " If you cheat on me wether its 5 months or 15 years after the fact, and i find out about by any means... Its over. She agreed. Now I want a divorce, and she doesn't. I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. My biggest concern is going back on my own words, that are "core values" to me an taking another chance on a woman who has cheated in all three of her marriages. I realize that her past is her past, but I see a pattern. Any advice would most certainly be appreciated...
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

What I don't see is what is she doing to get you back . Has she told her family, her children , your child that she was having an affair and that is the reason for your break up.

Do not blame yourself in any way for her affair. If your boundary was if she cheats you dump her then I would not go back on your word , sadly I think she used you to finance herself and her children and now they have grown up her true colours are coming out.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

She had you charged and arrested? Unless you have a pattern of abuse or threatening behaviour, had an affair yourself or indulged in activities that may be considered illegal , her having you arrested is unacceptable .
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

3 year affair while you were taking care of her medical and health problems? Move on. A snake would have more loyalty
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

You moved out of town in 2007 to support the family, seeing them when possible in between, and she almost immediately began an affair with your "friend."

You are able to come back for good in 2010, she doesn't tell you anything, just the doors are locked, she's holding them shut, and four policemen are there to arrest you.

She's cheated in her other two marriages.

You've given us all the reasons why you should not reconcile with her.

Why do you feel you might want to take her back?
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Run Forrest Run!

1. You're not in love with her
2. She's a serial cheater
3. You have no kids with her
4. She spent 3 years exposing you to STDs (get tested)

RUN!
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Wow. I can't imagine how you could ever be with her again after the hateful way she treated you.

You worked hard, supported her during all her medical problems and her way of repaying you was to have an affair and to have you arrested, and to sell your possessions.

No only should you not get back together with her, frankly I think you should tell her to never speak with you ever again - that she is as good as dead to you from this point forward.

She's a user. She got you to care for her when she was physically in need, then she took from you when you went off to work. She had the comfy life while you worked you butt off. Meanwhile she's cheating, using your money to finance her affair and lifestyle, having the OM in the house and bed you're paying for.

No this one not only isn't a keeper - this one is selfish and evil.

As for her not wanting a divorce - she's likely realizing that she's getting old - she's trashed 3 marriages - she's a physical wreck - and she's getting old - frankly for any man there are so many better options out there - why would anyone want her. So she's wanting to hang onto you as her meal ticket.

Why why would you settle for someone as hideous as her?

If you married a person who drowned kittens for living - you'd be upgrading.
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

If you're actually questioning to divorce her, I really feel bad for you.

She had you arrested, sold your belongings, locked you out of the house, had affairs and not only should you RUN, don't ever contact her again. What an evil, toxic, oxygen thief she is.
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

What was the question, again?
I see no reason that you should try to renew a marriage that went bust years ago. She's been using ever since her affair and sees you merely as a finical provider.
Has she asked you to take her back along with the guy she was scrooing?
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

She is a psycho backstabber. If she ever deemed it necessary to kill you and could get away with it, she would. Seriously.
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

First off thank you all for the support! Tears uncontrollably fall as I read your response's...Had to take a few moments to pull it together.


Eli-
As far as what has done to get me back...Yes she has told her family.
For the the charges of the disorderly/domestic she did write a few letters to the court an victims unit that were handling the case. It took 9 months, but finally, it was dismissed.

As Far as for myself being abusive towards her to maybe warrant the charges, I can honestly and proudly say there was never any "domestic" abuse on my part , nor any type affair what so ever.

She has recently accepted an offer from me which includes Granted me an uncontested divorce and returning my belongings. My feelings on that whole ordeal are, there just words. Until, I see any kinda of "action" from her i will stand firm On my own to feet.

Warlock-
Yes, a snake would be more loyal... But she is a sagittarius. go figure..

Will-

I guess i feel compelled to at least be in her life, mainly because of the relationship I have had with her girls and 3 beautiful grand babies who call me grandpa. Which are not blood but nevertheless..
Is that a reason to stay? No. My oldest daughter ( my wife's ) told me," we understand dad, but you don't divorce the family you divorce the person." that really hit home..


Toffer- I hear ya... see above^^^^^^

Shaggy-
your post was the one that hit the hardest. The main reason, because I have said the same things to myself an hit the proverbial
" nail" on the head. I have not lived together with her in over a year, an will not at this point. Now, at this very moment I have not talked to her or seen her in 2 weeks. communication is thru text messaging or fb. your last line is classic!!

Thank you all for your support I feel a newfound strength in my new "faceless" but " heart felt" peeps. - I wish the best for all of you! I'll be in touch with an update soon!
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Words mean nothing, only actions. Her actions speak loudly as to who she is.

Whatever you decide be true to yourself. So many betrayed spouses bitterly regret not having done so. Good luck.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by 10 years... View Post
My biggest concern is going back on my own words, that are "core values" to me an taking another chance on a woman who has cheated in all three of her marriages. I realize that her past is her past, but I see a pattern.
See a pattern? Well, better late than never. Ideally, these patterns are supposed to be identified and addressed before signing the contract. Nevertheless, your wife broke the marriage contract, which means you are released from your contractual obligations and thus are not "going back on" anything.

Divorce her now and go have a happy single life full of hot women ten years younger than your STBXW.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

Cut your losses and divorce her.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago

****Flashing ahead to april 2010, I come off a job (my last job) to my our home to find the doors locked as always when I 'am out of town, only to find my wife holding the door closed as I'am trying to get in, an the locks are changed. So my heart pounding an adrenaline fearing what I thought would never happen, suddenly become so real. So I proceeded to kick the door, And demand that I be let into my house! AS several minutes go by an no response from my wife, I was greeted by 4 deputy sheriffs, that proceeded to haul me to jail for my first ever disorderly conduct/domestic charge. An under my states domestic laws ( after I have my mother bail me out of jail at 3:00a.m.) i find out that I cannot contact her go to my own home, or have someone contact her for me for 72 hours. At this point I 'am just "leveled" with what is happening to me. And more so that my beloved wife is the one doing this.****

I'd like to get an expert opinion as to how anyone feel justified in doing this. And what kind of red flags to look out for to avoid this.
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