Wife had an affair, 5 years ago. Found out a year ago
Well, here we go. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have no children together, i have a 12 year old boy. My wife has three girls, ages 28-19 from 2 different marriages. Over the years these girls have been a big part of my life as well as I in theirs.(i.e; weddings, baptisms etc.) my wife's family is relatively large ( compared to mine) an for the most part pretty close. As time would have it, I have had a pretty close relationship with all of them, with really no objections to any of them an vice-versa.
Background of the marriage: ( In a nutshell)
We were married in Nov. of 2002, after living together for a year, and as any newlyweds very much in love an ready to start our lives together. (This was my wife's third marriage an my first.) In the first coming years, Life was grand. Then, in 2004 I had gotten into a long an emotional battle with my sons mother. (lets just call her the "egg donor.") for custody. Which, at the time my wife was very involved and dedicated to getting "my son" to be part of our new family. The custody battle went on for 4 years and covered 4 counties and 2 states. To no avail, I did not get custody.
During this period of time my wife was having some medical problems, health wise. She at the time was 38 and I was 32. Financially we were pretty sound had bought a house, boat an some toys, etc. For the next 3 years things were great, oh dont get me wrong we had our share of marital arguments. As any married couple we worked thru our difference's, and excelled at our marriage. In 2005 my wifes health problems blossomed into month after month of doctors visits an two major back surgeries. Each one putting her out of service for 6-9 months of no work and lots of bed rest. This went on for 2 years. During this time I was there to take care of her night and day to make sure that her needs were met, in aiding in her recovery.
Moving forward to 2007, another blow of serious unforeseeable medical problems arose. My wife needed a total knee replacement. Following the news of that was heart wrenching event, the housing crash. I have made my living as a construction worker for 15 years, an made a dam good living at it. Now, 2 things that were dear to me were becoming torn apart beyond my control. So being the "bread winner" of the house, and having three step children in the house, an no work available locally, I WENT OUT OF TOWN to go to work.
To this point our marriage was considered ideal, an functional.This out of town work paid very well, so if I could not be with my wife in our home I would pay to have her come stay with me, for a couple weeks at a time. I would make it home once every couple of weeks for a day, and then right back at it. Working 14 hour days 6-7 days a week in some pretty nasty conditions.( -40 temps an 50 mph winds for weeks) I did this off an on for 4 years. In my time off "we" would go on lavish "mini" vacations. I had made a commitment to my wife to take care of her in every way possible, especially now in her time of need after the 18 month back surgery recovery. I realize that the lifestyle was not ideal but we were happy an we got to keep all the stuff we had worked so hard for.( house, boat, toys etc.)
so for the next 3.5 years I told my wife "you dont have to worry about working if you dont want to." this was difficult for my wife, because she was a nurse, supported herself an her three girls but again, we made it work.
Flashing ahead to april 2010, I come off a job (my last job) to my our home to find the doors locked as always when I 'am out of town, only to find my wife holding the door closed as I'am trying to get in, an the locks are changed. So my heart pounding an adrenaline fearing what I thought would never happen, suddenly become so real. So I proceeded to kick the door, And demand that I be let into my house! AS several minutes go by an no response from my wife, I was greeted by 4 deputy sheriffs, that proceeded to haul me to jail for my first ever disorderly conduct/domestic charge. An under my states domestic laws ( after I have my mother bail me out of jail at 3:00a.m.) i find out that I cannot contact her go to my own home, or have someone contact her for me for 72 hours. At this point I 'am just "leveled" with what is happening to me. And more so that my beloved wife is the one doing this.
After the 72hour not contact, i go to our home only to find that the place has been emptied of "all" of my things an most of hers, and that she sold most of my tools, laptop, wide screen t.v. etc. with only her response that the house payment needed to be made. ( when it was only a day late) At this point I am furious an proceed to move the little of my things out. As I'am doing this, she blesses me with the info that three years ago she had an affair, with "our" so called best friend. I'm floored again! I move my stuff out an maintain a very distant an distraught relationship with her, for the next three months.
After many phone calls an partial conversations with her I somehow figure that yes i will go to counseling. that lasted about 8 months. Some of the counseling was good, it felt good to tell her how I felt truly and that what a piece Of !@#$ I thought she was doing that to me after everything I had sacrificed for her, and not putting myself first But morally following my vows I made with her 9 years prior.
Zipping along to april 2012... We have been living apart, but still together an married for a year this month. She had told me the whole deal, followed by her countless apologies an trying to make it work.I am at a cross roads at this point now, i still love her, but I'm not "in " love with her.I would like to see if it would work again, but.. I had told my wife one thing about me prior to us getting married an her accepting my proposal. Was As follows; " If you cheat on me wether its 5 months or 15 years after the fact, and i find out about by any means... Its over. She agreed. Now I want a divorce, and she doesn't. I still have mixed emotions about the whole thing. My biggest concern is going back on my own words, that are "core values" to me an taking another chance on a woman who has cheated in all three of her marriages. I realize that her past is her past, but I see a pattern. Any advice would most certainly be appreciated...