Ok sorry for being so blunt about this question, but I gotta Know. I have looked everywhere but Im not really getting the correct information or answeres..
I have read about the hysterical bonding right after D-day or R.. Either way there is a time were this occurs right?
Well what if this has never occured? After D-day nothing and now I am going true R and still nothing.
I understand when BS has issues of not being able to or wanting to, but what is up with the WS not wanting to?
Before the A it was great now poof its just all gone.. Its not me, yes I have been betrayed, yes I have been hurt.. But how in the heck am I supposed to heal if I am not having that bonding moments were I feel like I am the one he wants.. in ever sense! get what Im saying here?
I know he loves me and his coming out of the fog, but wth am I getting the short end of the stick here? Is there somthing I am missing here, somthing WS go thru because they had the A. BS do, I get that, but in my case its flip-flopped. No hysterical bonding here, but its not me who refrains? Sorry I couldnt hold it in no more I just had to ask, I searched and searched for this answer but it always showed results as, reasons BS not wanting to!!! So that doesnt help me any..
You certainly DO NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON
He just had an A., and you wanna have sex----is that it---is that what your mge., IS ALL ABOUT
What I would wonder, is how do you look at a man who has cheated on you---DISRESPECTED YOU, MADE YOU OUT TO BE A FOOL, TREATED YOU AS IF YOU ARE NOTHING----and you are worried about having F'ing sex
Where is your self-respect-----or do you not look in the mirror?????
Yeah, ummmmm OK?.. This is not my first post here. Been at this for over two years.. Not being rude, but before you give advice try to see at what stage a person is at.. I am not at the starting line of the A or D-day.. I am a little futher along than that in R... But thanks anyway for you advice..
Ummm no on second thout, your post to me was rude as He**. If you really dont think sex is a part of bonding in a marriage and fully connecting on levels that is special along with emotional, then I dont really Know what to tell you.. Except, this is a legit question, and does have to do with marital R.....
All I can do when I answer is to respond to the facts you put down
If you are well along into your R, and you want love and affection from your H-----then you sit him down, and make him talk about why, he refuses
I don't know anything about your sitch---but if he was in a long A---then his lover may still be in his mind, and just maybe mentally he is hung up, about her, you, the mge.,---who knows
If it was a ONS, or something short-----then you need to talk to him again about why---he refuses sex, and you need to talk to him---about the future, as you need to let him know---you can't exist in a sexless mge
Few more details would be helpful to other posters----I did not mean to come at you as rude----I just have a problem with betrayed's who allow a cheater back with no consequences, or accountability----that's just me---everyone is different, and you will get lots of different answers----good luck to you in whatever happens, with your future.
Ummm no on second thout, your post to me was rude as He**. If you really dont think sex is a part of bonding in a marriage and fully connecting on levels that is special along with emotional, then I dont really Know what to tell you.. Except, this is a legit question, and does have to do with marital R.....
Sorry tired. Your wayaward spouse may still be withdrawing from their fog and may feeling sexual. If this persists I think healing will be difficukt at best. Have you talked to hiom about your desires?
You certainly DO NOT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON
He just had an A., and you wanna have sex----is that it---is that what your mge., IS ALL ABOUT
What I would wonder, is how do you look at a man who has cheated on you---DISRESPECTED YOU, MADE YOU OUT TO BE A FOOL, TREATED YOU AS IF YOU ARE NOTHING----and you are worried about having F'ing sex
Where is your self-respect-----or do you not look in the mirror?????
Now.. I hope someone will come along and really give me some advice or perspective on this.. because this post to me was so un-called for.. And I do look in the mirror every single day of my life, and I can do it proudly!!!!! I guess your not an advocate of marital recovery huh????? Thats okay not eveyone has to be....
All I can do when I answer is to respond to the facts you put down
If you are well along into your R, and you want love and affection from your H-----then you sit him down, and make him talk about why, he refuses
I don't know anything about your sitch---but if he was in a long A---then his lover may still be in his mind, and just maybe mentally he is hung up, about her, you, the mge.,---who knows
If it was a ONS, or something short-----then you need to talk to him again about why---he refuses sex, and you need to talk to him---about the future, as you need to let him know---you can't exist in a sexless mge
Few more details would be helpful to other posters----I did not mean to come at you as rude----I just have a problem with betrayed's who allow a cheater back with no consequences, or accountability----that's just me---everyone is different, and you will get lots of different answers----good luck to you in whatever happens, with your future.
Sorry I lashed back out at you, I really thout you just didnt advocate marital recovery, and if anyone did than well you ripped them a new a**hole Thanks for your advice.. I appreciate it.
Hysterical bonding usually happens in MOST cases, but not ALL. There is no guidelines, rules or law about the steps in recovering a marriage. Each case is different. Plus, you wrote it yourself, his still coming out of the fog. He's still conflicted. Therefore, he really isn't at the point where he's 100% truely remorseful yet, if he is at all.
Give it time. Go to MC and see if that doesn't help reconnect if your trying to R.
Sorry tired. Your wayaward spouse may still be withdrawing from their fog and may feeling sexual. If this persists I think healing will be difficukt at best. Have you talked to hiom about your desires?
I have tried to bring it up, but its an akward conversation to say the least.. I shouldn't feel like this, but I dont know what he is feeling either. So it makes it just feel so wrong to me.. I think you have a point about just coming out of the fog, that seemed to take forever. And I understand it takes time to come completley out. But the thing is, If I dont start bonding with him again, I am afraid there will come a time were I wont want to, does that sound bad of me to think like that? I mean I felt rejected for a long time, and it makes a person self esteem drop. And I am getting this rejected feeling again, like why on earth does he not want me, All of me! The A is over and we been working on our Marriage. But, this is one thing that is really bothering me. From before the A to now, there is such a huge diffrence in our relationship, which I know is normal. But do they ever really start to "want" you as before, or is it changed forever since he has experianced the excitment of a new lover???
Hysterical bonding usually happens in MOST cases, but not ALL. There is no guidelines, rules or law about the steps in recovering a marriage. Each case is different. Plus, you wrote it yourself, his still coming out of the fog. He's still conflicted. Therefore, he really isn't at the point where he's 100% truely remorseful yet, if he is at all.
Give it time. Go to MC and see if that doesn't help reconnect if your trying to R.
Good point, guess your right. In my heart, I know he isnt 100% out of the fog yet.. But he is coming out, I know this takes time.. I am just struggling myself, Its been a long time going thru this. And I just have my own fears and stuggles..
Also, your desire to hystercally bond with your WH is nothing more than a subconious animalistic urge to reclaim what you believe is yours. clinging on to each other for dear life. Nothing more. So, if I were you, I wouldn't look at it as a way to feel wanted or desired and he shouldn't look at it as your way of forgiving him for what he's done.
Wish there was away for me to Know... If he is still emotionally connected to her, then why are we trying.. it should be me he is bonding with again..
If it is guilt, then would this not push him to make it up to me! Not make me feel like I want to second guess myself?
Well as you said, if you think he's still in the "fog", there still would be some connection between him/her. If it's guilt then I'm not sure if you'd be content with pity sex to be honest, but if that's what you need to feel loved again then you need to forcefully push this point through. He has to get it.
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OK I AM JUST GOING TO ASK! Censored!! 
Re: OK I AM JUST GOING TO ASK! Censored!! 
Thanks for your advice.. I appreciate it.
