First of all I would like to say thank you all for all the previous advice! It has helped a lot and I feel that we are finally moving in the right direction!
All other issues aside, something has been nagging at me in the back of my mind. I never exposed the EA to the OWH. At first I could not get past the fact that I would be ruining another marriage. Don't worry, I am over that and know that I am not to blame for that...they are. Then I could not figure out a way to contact him as she does not work and all I had was a phone number and address (they live in a different state). I was going to send a letter but feared that she would intercept it and throw it out.
I sort of gave up on the idea for a while and really just wanted to focus on our marriage and getting in a better place. Since that time, I have found contact info for his mother as well as his brother. I know now that I made a mistake by not doing this in the first place but now I find that I feel terribly guilty. I mean I know who I'm married to shouldn't he? I don't really want to do it now as I think it will make things worse now. I am actually afraid to do it at this point because I don't want to screw up what we have going. I just can't get the thoughts out of my head. I guess I just needed to vent and get this out.
This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I’m almost 1 long miserable year out from learning of my husband affair .
My stbxh's ow was a single D who had just gone through herself what she put my family through. I had no others to inform. Thinking back over this horrible year , and wondering would I do thing differently from all ive learned and of course there are yeses.
One, in hindsight I dont think if I had to, would I contact the om and destroy his marriage, especially if there are children involved ,... if the affair had ended. You learn so much about infidelity and yourself once in this world .
I knew something wasnt right when my h was knee deep into his affair, ... we all figure it out within time.
If my husband had ended the affair, and i didnt expose the ow, just maybe, that marriage may be saved, and given another chance, the ow given an opportunity to work on herself and save her marriage ...
Idealist , maybe , but regardless, ...just my feeling at this point in time ...
Yes, I would want to know that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. At leaset I know who I am married to...shouldn't he have the same right? I just don't know if I can do it at this point. Do you think that by doing this it would be like taking a step back? I just don't know.
If I do decide to do this, how should I go about informing his family? Phone call? Letter? I have saved everything so I have proof if they don't believe me. This is just so hard. I don't know if I am strong enough...
Yes, I would want to know that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. At leaset I know who I am married to...shouldn't he have the same right? I just don't know if I can do it at this point. Do you think that by doing this it would be like taking a step back? I just don't know.
If I do decide to do this, how should I go about informing his family? Phone call? Letter? I have saved everything so I have proof if they don't believe me. This is just so hard. I don't know if I am strong enough...
Send a letter by Fedex or in a way that has to be signed for. If you have a work address use that in case it gets waylaid .
Eli-Zor, that is a great idea, thank you. I think that I really need to sit down and think about this. I will take the next few days to make a decision. I think I am leaning to just doing it and getting it over with. I don't know if I can live the rest of my life with this hanging over my head. I just wish I had done it sooner...I think it may have been easire in a way. I don't know.
Have you thought about what it is you are fearing?
Is it the thought of destroying a family?
Is it the thought that exposure may cause a backlash and turn your H against you?
Are you concerned that you'll be viewed as the bad guy now for kicking everything back off?
Take a moment to think exactly what it is you are concerned about. Then remember:
You asked for none of this!
As a husband of a WW myself I can state - I would want to know!
By dealing with the truth we can create proper solutions to our problems.
If we're fed lies then no solution would ever work.
__________________
I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
I am still so torn if I think it was really better,... for me,... to know or not to know. He could have learn his lesson internally and worked on himself to a greater degrees that made our marriage better. He would have to live it all his life, and taken it to the grave, as I think would have been just as great of a punishment.
Within 30 years of marriage , yes , I can truthfully say , there has been times when I’ve fallen out of love with my husband. I didn’t ever think to cross the line,... nor did I ever think I had to share with him during the times Ive stopped loving him . It was a personal growth time me , to work on me, my marriage , or my life, and in my h case, ((( I am NOT saying this is the way go about it ))) his affair .
Had he not told me , ended it as he knew he had to, and moved on, with making and working on himself, to be a better person with in our marriage, within himself.
I know the man he is . He really isn’t “the horrible cheater “ we all believe the spouse is ... but it doesn't matter , bc the marriage is now forever changed ... and we as a couple, as individual, as a family, are altered, and shattered for life. imhp ...
In my case, the OM's wife found out about the EA about one month after it began and had him send my wife a NC letter.
However, she did not notify me and for two years they continued the EA (and subsequent) PA underground. Had she informed me back then, both of our marriages might have been salvaged.
The OWH deserves to know the kind of woman that he's married to. Plus, by exposing the affair to her husband, you now have two sets of eyes looking out for your respective marriages.
Another Exposure ? 
