the guy

In most cases,ya the EA leads up to PA, but the emotional connection made between to poeple is worse then two poeple screwing around and never see each other again.

It suck to use poeple just for sex, a little companionship but when AP start showing feelings and you bail b/c there getting to close.....well thats a real good thing if its your spouse that is doing the using and bails. Kinda.LOL

In short sex is sex, and its this thinking I had that gave me a unhealthy marriage. And it also this thinking that saved it. In a small part.

Sure I'm wired different them most but my wife did what she did for the companionship and the cost for that was sex. Did she ever love them no, was there an emotional connection... sure, but at the end of the day were did that connection lead to? No were. The connection in my wifes affairs started up as quick as they ended.

In my research,I took a years worth of cell phone usage and put them in a Excel program and was able to coillate different values and I found that contact only lasted for a week. in some case I could tell were emotion was involved but at best is was a month of contact.

My point is, I'm in the crowd of EA is worse then PA. But in the same breath is quantity any better then quality, when it comes to your spouse sleeping around?

Gabriel

I wonder if Bandit got the answer to his question yet.

Almostrecovered

while I believed she liked OM (after all, most of us don't have sex with people we don't like), there was no deep emotional connection during her PA (yet...stopped it in 18 days) There was no love you, gotta be with you, sort of sh!t. It was focused on the sex more.

and yes it sucks, either way it goes

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highwood

Same here..I know I wasn't always the best wife..but for **** sakes just end the relationship then. I honestly do not know if I could see myself behind his back texting and messaging and phoning another guy while still being in a relationship. I would have felt so guilty about it....

That is another thing that pisses me off in that for 10 days before I caught him red handed by hacking into his private email with her..he lied to me told me he had stopped contacting her..plus all the talks we had during that week in which I was crying and saying we can work this out, I will work on stuff I have to work on and yet during that time he still was in contact.
Not on bit of guilt on his part....on one of the emails he said to her, "Hi beautiful" all this while we were going to try and work on our marriage. **** sometimes I want to make his life hell....

This is one of those times in which I feel like picking up the phone and contacting a lawyer and just saying **** it...I'm done. So for anyone who thinks that it has been 6 months and get over it...easier said than done. You never forget the words that you saw....I think he wishes that I would never bring it up again..but to me you did the actions you suffer the consequences.

CantSitStill

I agree
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Count of Monte Cristo

For me the EA is much worse than the PA. Someone mentioned that he didn't marry a virgin, and someone else said that sex is sex -- just two body parts touching.

I would've been devastated if my wife had hooked up with her ex BF from twenty years ago and had a ONS. But not nearly as much as the two year EA that she had with him. Halfway through the EA, I took the family on a two week trip to London and Paris. Now, instead of thinking about Big Ben Buckingham Palace, the Louvre, and the Eiffel Tower, all I can think about is that mentally she was wishing that she was with him instead of me.

Instead of 'We'll always have Paris', now it's 'I"LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS'. Sucks, big time. Should've been our trip of a lifetime. I could've spent the 10K that the trip cost on some really great toys for me and the kids.

In an EA, your spouse is no longer bonding with you -- they are giving their heart and soul to the AP. For me this is so much worse than them just giving their body.

brokenbloke

OP I know you explained that you aren't discounting the feelings of those who suffered through their spouse having an EA, and no offense, but this got to be one of the...silliest (I'll just say to be polite) questions ever.

CantSitStill

Obvoiusly an EA that turns PA is the worst. I'm thankful that I did not go PA. It has to be alot worse I don't know lets just say it all horrible EA Or PA it is a nightmare.. ok so some people think a PA with no emotion isn't as bad..hell I don't wanna know. They are all affairs
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Gabriel

Alright, I'll say it. It was a totally ridiculous, insensitive, assinine question. It would be like me saying, come on, Bandit, it was just sex, once, she didn't care about the guy, what's the big deal you overdramatic baby?

Hunger

Just sent you a private letter.

2xloser

I wish to god my wife had just had sex one night and woke up, regretted it, and stopped her EA. Instead, a 2-year-long EA occured where she didn't think of it as an "afair", because they never had sex (supposedly)... she just talked about it, with comments and messeages like this one:

I love you and I shouldn't and I can't stop it. If I told you that the only thing I could think about last night into today was how it would be to be made love to by you, would that kill you?
I want to hate you believe me, especially after that remark. Hating you would be so much easier than loving you. Which I do. still going to wish I could make love to you all night"

I really wish she'd ****ed him and woken up to regret and stop, pull; back, end it. Instead, we are divorcing. I tried to see it as "nothing, no big deal", for a very long time. It's not "nothing". It's actually everything. She calls it "a mistake" -- I call it a choice she made. Wrong choice as it was continuous for 2 years, lying and deceiving me while I went to work and supported our family; this is how she entertained herself while I was away, and it's a choice I cannot live with because it tell me exactly how she felt about me and our marriage for that time period -- second choice.

Don't anyone dare tell ME how to feel about it, goddammit...

the guy

I think that a long term PA would have been a deal breaker for me, as screwed up a I am the connection between the wife and AP would not have been broken as quckly as it was in my case.

I am thinking with this LTA and EA stuff the fake R and going underground is more likely, plus I couldn't put up with the withdrawals.

EA are just harder to get over for the wayward hence harder for me to forgive. IMHO

I think no matter what EA or PA the choice the wayward makes after d-day are my deal breakers for me.

tacoma

I understand the damage of an EA but I lean towards the OP`s feelings.

An EA I could simply tell her to go NC and if she did I could get on with life.
It`s all deluded affair fog anyway which she`d probably see herself the moment she was free of his influence.

A PA...even a ONS would force divorce papers into her hands.

MmHo

My husband has had a number of EA's.... mainly because he thought he could get away with the lies... but really he was too idle to get himself "tarted up" and get in the car and go and meet up with them, why waste petrol, time and money when it can be done by email, texts and ellicit phone calls. Being quite a Narcissist "Barsteward" he gets his supply from any female he can dupe into believing him to be a family man, church going Christian! They have absolutely no idea how far from the truth that is, and how boring this man can be in person.... as he can be quite witty with his emails usually using someone elses chat up lines!....If they were to meet him in real life they would be realy disappointed.... he can barely mumble a few sentences!! It's one of the many reasons I am no longer with him. TG

canttrustu

The good news here is that, according to Bandit, I have NOTHING to worry about and should just quit my damned whining.....maybe tomorrow I can do that but today...not so much.

Sorry Bandit, that was just really insensitive and unusual for you. Still like ya though. As you'd say Big ole CTU hug.