Bandit

Trying to figure out the whole EA issue? I read about a lot of people on hear that were "DEVASTATED" by their spouses EA. Which to me seems a bit melodramatic and/or over the top. I understand a PA, which of course means that your spouse was shagged by somebody else; this I can relate to as being devastating as they were intimate together, their was an exchange of fluids etc..

It may just be my understanding of the term EA, but it seems as though it encompasses texting, sexting, talking on the phone, talking about their relationship, being buddy buddy etc.. but not physical.. all behaviors which are uncool, and I don't condone. However, none of which I see as "Devastating or heart wrenching" more or less along the lines of just acting stupid. Left unchecked this behavior could certainly sow the seeds for something more insidious but you can't convict before a crime (Minority Report).. and since nothing "physical has happened" it is not the end of the world so to speak..

If someone could clarify or give their perspective it would be much appreciated...

--->Quick Edit<--

Not trying to minimize how others felt as we are all different, just trying to a better definition of EA...

Almostrecovered

how strange, I feel the opposite in some respects

had my wife expressed "I love you"' to the OM and such I would have not taken her back

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My story

Gabriel

You might get slammed pretty good here Bandit. I'll try to keep it calm. First off, you have no control over how you feel when you discover your spouse is giving her attention to another. None. Zip. You can't say, "hmm, they didn't have sex, so maybe I should stop shaking and get my appetite back".

If your spouse is lying to you, so they can talk to their new love interest....or if they cut you off emotionally because it's elsewhere....or they skip out of the house, just to call them....or you read in an email how much they wish they could be with this other person and not you....or they text each other sexual longings....or....or.....

do I really need to keep going?

strugglinghusband

To me, it is the WS in an E/A has given thier mind to someone, its easy to just have sex, but to forge a deep emotional bond(E/A)sharing thoughts,secrets, hopes,dreams building one another up....
just like sex, that is for the spouse and the spouse alone.

iheartlife

My husband told someome else she was the love of his life, his soulmate, best friend in the whole world, that he 'yearned' for her, only one who understood him, a stunningly beautiful woman. Maybe he said the best friend thing to me, but he never said any of the others.

When I realized a little bit of research taught me all kinds of things about her he didn't know, it took away a lot of the sting. That and her telling me personally, 'he was never my soulmate and I never used that word.'
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calvin

You know my story Bandit.I could'nt get over a PA.If the EA was only text or phone calls,then I almost could chaulk it up to a stipid mistake but if they hug,peck on the lips,meet in person(no physical stuff) and they exchange I love yous,then yeah it fvucking wrenching.
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BettyBoop

So you are ok if your spouse gave her heart away to another guy as long as her body was not touched?
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Ingalls

My H had an EA over 2.5 years ago. Last summer had a one night drunk party and kissed/made out with a girl. I am just now having anxiety and fear over the EA. I hate the kiss, don't get me wrong, but I'm having issues with him being all excited to hear from "her" and worry more about her feelings than mine on a daily basis.

that_girl

Well, have your wife or gf start hanging out with, confiding in, hiding, sneaking around with another dude. no sex though. Just friendship and close connection.

A connection she should have with you, but now just wants/thinks about the other guy.

Pretty devastating.

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vi_bride04

I feel that if it wasn't for the EA, the fog would not be so hard to come out of.

Jellybeans

An EA is serious business. It's your heart/feelings getting involved.

A lot of folks will say that an EA is way worse than a PA.

I firmly believe if an EA goes PA--that is the absolute WORST THING.

Bandit

I'm kinda with you, if it goes PA then that's bad, but at the EA point things are probably still salvageable, but once it goes PA.. well there is no fixing that as they are no longer yours..

Jellybeans

That's cause the EA cements it...making it that much worse.

I mean, anything is salvageable but once someone's emotional needs (especially a woman's) start getting met by someone else---eh, disaster is looming ahead.

highwood

I think for me the EA was bad enough that H had however I know if there was a physical component that would have taken it over the top for me...I don't know if I could have gotten over that. Not that the EA part of it is easy I don't know something about the physical aspect would have, in my situation only, made it so much worse.

H's EA was about 3 months long..with about 2 months of that being a long distance EA.

PHTlump

I think it's a personal issue. If you don't care if your wife told another man she loved him, as long as she didn't touch his penis, then good for you. That's one less thing you need to worry about in life.

I think most people, including me, would be devastated if my wife were telling another man that he was her soul mate, etc. And, I would be devastated if my wife were having sex with another man, regardless of how she really felt about him.

I think EA is what most people term feeling love for another, without sex. Some of the behaviors you mentioned meet that, such as sexting. And some don't, like phone calls and being buddy-buddy. Not all inappropriate behavior, like complaining about your marriage to an opposite-sex person, qualifies as an EA.