razorsedge

Am I alone in having violent thoughts about beating the sh*$#t out of the OM should I find out my W has had an affair with him? I do not have these thoughts about hurting my W physically (emotionally, yes though).

I get ticked off thinking about the possibility of finding out my W cheated on me. I need to find a way to focus on other things until I find out for sure.

Anubis

It's not uncommon.

The interesting thing is how much we avoid directing that anger at the wife who is doing the betraying. Especially considering that if OM is single, then the wife is potentially doing the majority of the "bad" stuff (betraying vows, lying, sneaking, etc).

Note: This would make a good survey question** to see how common/different violent angry thoughts are in betrayed men vs betrayed women.

** assuming we could a TAM survey thread that wasn't hijacked six ways to Sunday by page 4.

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Almostrecovered

been there, still would like to do it

but I know better

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Complexity

I'd have murderous thoughts for the person she cheated with, not her personally.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her. The bitterness/resentment/mindmovies, not to mention the thought of even being physically intimate with her after that piece of sh!t was there would induce violent dry heaving.

brokenbloke

Thought about it alot when Dday happened. Even called him up and threatened him (he hung up). Think about it alot less now that we are in R but I still have a burning hatred toward him. I imagine that we'll cross paths in public, and this thought occurs to me if I'm out and about, and what would happen. But I know better. An assault charge just isn't worth it. Another thought that comes to my mind is the opening scene of the Godfather, when the father asks the Godfather to beat up the guys who assaulted his daughter. I wish I knew a Godfather...

iheartlife

I have imagined different scenarios.
I was shocked by a stat I read that wives who kill cheating husbands do so after being pushed to the limit and discovering repeated betrayals. It made me see the as having been pushed to a limit beyond all reason. Just like the song Frankie and Johnny.

But I have kids and love them entirely. I told my husband, the AP and my IC: I will NEVER give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me behave in an immature, irrational or violent way. I will retain dignity to the end whatever that may be. My kids need a stable adult in their lives, and that will always be me.
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Married in VA

You have not provided a backstory here so its tough to know if your W cheated or not. Having said that, I used to struggle with those thoughts myself, then one day I realized that the OM now has to deal with all her crap and I just kind of laugh about it. Sucks to be him. They are now broke up because he couldn't deal with it.
As for you, work on yourself. Do the 180 and just let her go if she is cheating. You will thank yourself later.

Almostrecovered

I had all sorts of revenge fantasies from as light as tire slashing to kidnapping him and taking him to the woods where I would dig a hole for him to stand in while I tortured him for hours and eventually bury him alive


fun stuff

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keko

The ramifications are certainly harsh for violent actions, but unless cheater's suffer hard consequences will our society ever get better? I doubt it.

razorsedge

I "think" she cheated many years ago and I believe I have lived in denial for a very long time. I do not think she has cheated in the last 10 years or so. I am having a paternity test done next week that she is unaware of. If I am correct, than she has kept a big lie going on for almost 19 years about our childs father. I am not sure I am the biological father although she has sworn many times I am. I hope this test will answer many questions in my head and put the "what if" thoughts to rest.

Count of Monte Cristo

The night of my d-day, I called my wife and told her not to come home because I would kill her. Lucky for her (and me) that she stayed away until the next morning.

My anger shifted to wanting to do great harm to the OM. In fact, I still keep a bat under the counter of my shop just in case he shows up.

A few weeks after d-day, I popped the movie 'Unfaithful' into the DVD player and silently cheered while Richard Gere cracked open his wife's lover's head with a very large snow globe. (Sorry for the spoiler but then again the movie is ten years old.)

I also think about the movie 'Revenge' with Kevin Costner, where the Anthony Quinn character masochistically gets retribution on Costner and Madeline Stowe (Quinn's wife in the move.)

Alas, these vengeful actions, while satisfying to think about, need to remain fantasies and Hollywood creations.

TDSC60

Violent thoughts naturally accompany anger. I had thoughts of doing away with him, her, his car, his house, and his dog. Well, maybe not the dog.

Thoughts are natural. We can dream.

Just have enough self control not to act stupid.

Unhappy2011

I would say that is perfectly normal.

I've fantasized about taking a heavy machine gun to the Mall on Black Friday while some sappy adult contemporary song from Air Supply plays over the loudspeakers.

hookares

razoredge, I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I had my head up my azz for 20 years and 65 days before discovering that neither of "our" children were fathered by me.
Had I decided to "get even", I would have had to train for it for six months since she doesn't even know which (of many) of the guys she was seeing slipped her the seed.
The best thing a guy can do when faced with this is move on and try being more selective about their future spouse. (I have chosen to have no more wives and it's woking very well thus far.)

the guy

Its been so long since her affair it would be hard to get out of a insanity plea.

If youv'e done time before then maybe you can handle the consequences.

Did the OM even know he was with a married chick?

There are a couple of things I"ve learned having someone do you a "favor" is not worth the pay back. Often returning the favor is worse then taking care of the "business" your self. Second, after being shot I learned that life with revenge is no life at all.