Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

When you end the affair, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.”
How long did the withdrawal from your affair partner last after you ended the affair

What are some of the emotions you experienced, was there a patteren, signs?

What or how did you feel/think.

I just would like to know what my H is or has went thru.

Please feel free to give me the details, I guess thats what I am looking for, I know the basics.. But how does one truely feel or think or wonder during this time????

I think that it is helpful to BS to understand, the real emotions to the withdrawl period, and how long does it really take?
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Old 04-14-2012, 05:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

I think this might be helpful too. My Husband tells me that he had no feeling for affair partner at all. I found out about her a little in early November as she had posted on his FB page that she missed him. The next day when I asked who she was he said just a friend, but then when I blocked her on his FB account he got very angry that I had hurt his friend. Early in December he confessed he had betrayed me with her.

He then moved back in new years weekend. He never wanted to have sex with me, but yet he would get a hard on while sitting on the couch watching tv. At those times he was always queit like he was thinking of someone else
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Old 04-14-2012, 06:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

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Originally Posted by blueskies30 View Post
I think this might be helpful too. My Husband tells me that he had no feeling for affair partner at all. I found out about her a little in early November as she had posted on his FB page that she missed him. The next day when I asked who she was he said just a friend, but then when I blocked her on his FB account he got very angry that I had hurt his friend. Early in December he confessed he had betrayed me with her.

He then moved back in new years weekend. He never wanted to have sex with me, but yet he would get a hard on while sitting on the couch watching tv. At those times he was always queit like he was thinking of someone else
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I agree with you, and I think alot of BS feel the same way, we Know the basics we know they witdrawl but we have no idea of how they feel during, before or after.. Or how long, thats why I asked for details.. Almost like a timeline, if thats possible. It would really help BS to understand and maybe cope. Then as WS spouse progress, we would be able to relate, like oh He/her is at so and so point, maybe it will help in way for us to understand more instead of being so confused and wondering what the he** is happinig..

And I did ask about the no sex thing, I had quit of few post from the veterans on here about that one.. you may want to take a look at that post to it may help you to understand more.. Ill post a link..

It seems you are having alot of the same feelings/questions that I am having... uHGGGG to be a BS, and to have to go thru so much...


OK I AM JUST GOING TO ASK! Censored!!

Last edited by Just Tired Of It All; 04-14-2012 at 06:30 PM. Reason: Here is the link.. I hope it helps you some!!
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

Well part of the issue is that I am me, and your husband is him, and blueskies husband is him. I happen to be an INFP Myers Briggs personality (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver) and thus as an introvert I gain energy by being alone and "recharging" versus being with people and sharing. If my spouse were an extrovert, they might take that as "avoiding them" when in real life I'm just tired and need to recharge. Anyway my point is that all disloyal spouses are not alike--we have different personality types and did it for different reasons and with different results and lengths of time...thus it's about 100% likely that our experiences and "timelines" will be different!!

That being said though, I can share what I suspect will be similarities. The first week of withdrawal is the worst, of course. Envision any drug addict going cold turkey. At first, for like 24-48 hours, the urge for the "drug" doesn't hit or you can somewhat ignore it or put it off...in fact the first couple of days may seem pretty "back to normal" and in a way seem like maybe we're in our right mind :P lol But about the 3rd day or so, the urge pretty much increases exponentially. The next couple days are very tough because about every few minutes you think about the OP and pretty much by habit you pick up the phone to call, or get on email to write in order to get that fix (the "someone thinks I'm wonderful" affair zing). This is usually the time when someone might fall off the wagon--sometimes due to just habit and sometimes because the urge is so strong you just cave in. This is also usually the time during which a disloyal spouse will say: "I can't get the OP out of my mind! How am I supposed to just let them go?" or maybe something like "I can't just get feelings back for my spouse! I don't feel love for them like I do for the OP!" (or something along those lines).

In a way, at this point, it really does become a matter of choice. As a disloyal, I can choose to continue to hold onto the OP and refuse to see that it was about 99.99% "in my mind" and not real at all...or I can make the conscious choice to let the OP go, acknowledge it was mostly fantasy, look at my own self and try to figure out what it was about me that got me to this point, and realize that I may not "feel it" at the moment, but I can ACT loving and the more I do that the more I'll feel it. At some point it really does come down to choosing.

Usually a week or two into no contact--maybe more if you sort of hung on to the memories for a while--the worst of the urge to contact again passes. Again, envision a drug addict going cold turkey. The physical "need" for the zing feels a little better, but then it's more like over and over and over and over the little stuff that you didn't think about hits you in the face. For example, in my personal instance after I had the day when I "SAW" the hurt in my Dear Hubby's eyes and knew I couldn't do this anymore, my Dear Hubby wrote to the OM and said "I am married to her and I'm not going down without a fight. I intend to honor my vows so you better be ready to face a husband who's gonna fight for his marriage." It was sort of his version of claiming things back. Okay he was in 100% and I was in 100%...but for some reason it didn't dawn on me that I would also have to end contact with the people who knew me and OM as a couple. It wasn't malicious or anything, I wasn't trying to hurt Dear Hubby more...but it didn't occur to me that those folks would ask about or tell me about OM and that's like backdoor, third party contact! So I agreed and acknowledged I'd have to end contact with them too--yet at the same time I felt INCREDIBLY SAD because those folks meant something to me and had liked me and whatnot! All those people, who were just bystanders, also had to be cut off...and it was like they were the civilians caught in the bombing! They were hurt because I was selfish, frankly...and that hurt me a LOT! Now I could totally see where my Dear Hubby would see it as a trigger or an insult if I kept them as friends, so it wasn't like that (he had a right); but I felt like a jerk--AGAIN--because I had unintentionally hurt people I cared about. So that sort of thing occurs over and over and over for several weeks as the fog begins to clear. Just as you get over THIS one...another one occurs...and another thing hits you in the face...and another, like ripples that increase and spread out. This is often a time when it feels SOOOO sorrowful and shameful and embarrassing that it's tempting to say "Well screw it, I've messed this up so bad there's no hope. I give up."

This is why I strongly encourage people that as soon as there is No Contact, take some time off as just a couple. Lots of people think: "Oh I couldn't possibly take time right now...I don't have vacation time" or "It's busy season" etc. but you know what? There's a reason!! During this timeframe, if the disloyal spouse is not really feeling feelings yet, and all the loyal spouse is doing is triggering and making demands, and the disloyal also feels hopeless....then they will give up and the marriage will end. By the same token, if they aren't feeling feelings yet, but some time is taken off to take a long weekend and go skiing and then maybe some tubing and hot chocolate, and the loyal has moments of triggers but also moments of showing "hey this person is fun to be with" and there is HOPE that one day maybe feelings could come back...then the marriage may survive.

One thing my Dear Hubby did was to say that we were calling a time out on "being married" until I said, and we were going to just be friends like the way you're friends with your college roommate. He would talk to me about what he thought and felt just like he would have with a "buddy" and likewise I did the same. I even told him once that I felt really sad about losing the friends and how they felt like civilians who got caught up in the bombing...and he didn't yell or say I was selfish. Things like that...I remember and counted it as a positive in his favor. I could talk to him honestly about deep stuff and personal stuff, and I was SAFE doing it!! Then, we did things together we both like (we personally went 4WD-ing, camping, and to car shows...put that's just us). I got to look over at this person next to me and think, "Wow!! I remember liking him! I enjoy him. I think if I keep at it I could love him."

So anyway, I hope that's helpful. I don't know if it's much of a "timeline" but maybe it'll give you a feeling for what it's like.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

I had an EA that was caught relatively early. It took me four to six weeks to withdraw.

Be aware that ANY contact starts the counter over.

I took some anti-depressants to help out. I had also changed jobs so that probably contributed to the depression.
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

Thanks, it helps.. I hope others will post there experiance. It just seems important and it will help out us BS to just understand...

Very intersting.... I am amazed to be honest, that it is like that for WS..

Thank you for sharing...
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

This is something I can talk about. I was so confused for what seemed like forever. I was depressed. I felt alone. I had massive guilt. My guilt increased 100x every time Beowulf triggered. And when he triggered at first I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I also kept thinking about how I was no longer the person who could say I would never do such a thing. If I could do that to the one person who I loved most in this world what else was I capable of doing. Could I willfully hurt others? Could I hurt my child? Could I kill someone? These are the type of crazy thoughts I would have.

I think it was a couple of months before I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. I still didn't think I loved Beowulf. I was still thinking about the OM for several weeks after NC. The desire to contact him was almost overwhelming at times it was so powerful. But I held fast and when I felt that craving for the OM I jumped into something to keep me active and take my mind off him. Gradually it went away but like I said it took a while. Its really scary to feel that powerless over something. Especially something you created. I never want to feel like that again.
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

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Originally Posted by Morrigan View Post
This is something I can talk about. I was so confused for what seemed like forever. I was depressed. I felt alone. I had massive guilt. My guilt increased 100x every time Beowulf triggered. And when he triggered at first I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I also kept thinking about how I was no longer the person who could say I would never do such a thing. If I could do that to the one person who I loved most in this world what else was I capable of doing. Could I willfully hurt others? Could I hurt my child? Could I kill someone? These are the type of crazy thoughts I would have.

I think it was a couple of months before I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. I still didn't think I loved Beowulf. I was still thinking about the OM for several weeks after NC. The desire to contact him was almost overwhelming at times it was so powerful. But I held fast and when I felt that craving for the OM I jumped into something to keep me active and take my mind off him. Gradually it went away but like I said it took a while. Its really scary to feel that powerless over something. Especially something you created. I never want to feel like that again.
Please don't take this the wrong way,but your last paragraph has me curious about a couple of things:

1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?

2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?

Hope I made sense.
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Old 04-15-2012, 09:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by TBT View Post
Please don't take this the wrong way,but your last paragraph has me curious about a couple of things:

1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?

2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?

Hope I made sense.
No, going through the motions in the sense that I knew I had to do work on the marriage and do the heavy lifting while simultaneously not feeling love for my husband. I think this is where many WS get stuck because they think why should I work on the marriage when I don't have positive feelings for their spouse. I chose to set aside my lack of feelings and concentrate on atoning for the wrong I did.

No, I didn't feel powerless in the marriage. I knew Beowulf had the choice to end the marriage or not. I had no right at that point to demand or even request anything. But I knew I had to fix what I did whether we stayed together or not. I caused the damage and it was my responsibility to try to try to make it right. The powerlessness came from my own mind betraying me. I knew what I had to do and what I couldn't do and yet I had such difficulty doing what I knew was right. I'm not sure I'm making much sense but its hard to explain.
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal Please EXPLAIN!

Thanks.
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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No, going through the motions in the sense that I knew I had to do work on the marriage and do the heavy lifting while simultaneously not feeling love for my husband. I think this is where many WS get stuck because they think why should I work on the marriage when I don't have positive feelings for their spouse. I chose to set aside my lack of feelings and concentrate on atoning for the wrong I did.

No, I didn't feel powerless in the marriage. I knew Beowulf had the choice to end the marriage or not. I had no right at that point to demand or even request anything. But I knew I had to fix what I did whether we stayed together or not. I caused the damage and it was my responsibility to try to try to make it right. The powerlessness came from my own mind betraying me. I knew what I had to do and what I couldn't do and yet I had such difficulty doing what I knew was right. I'm not sure I'm making much sense but its hard to explain.

Yes you are making since. It is helping to explain how
the fog makes the WS feel and think.. I appreciate your honesty, and you taking the time to explain it.

One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you. Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog. Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP.

I do appreciate you taking the time to help, it does help a BS to understand what there WS is going thru...
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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1.Are you saying you basically got through this initial phase by stuffing your emotions and intellectualizing the process a la Mr.Spock?
Not exactly but kind of. I came to realize that making life decisions based on how I "felt" was pretty foolish, because feelings/emotions can change pretty easily based on circumstances, choices, actions...all kinds of things! (For example, I may feel upset or angry right now, and then choose to 'let it go' and focus on something that makes me very happy...and then I'd feel happy or at least content. So just by making a choice and changing my focus, I change change "feelings" that fast!) So once I understood that in order to make life decisions there should at least be INVOLVEMENT of intellectual thoughts, I realized that I could make a decision to stay and honor my vows and be faithful and be loving....be THAT kind of person...and I also had reason to believe that my feelings would follow along.

Soooo...it's not like every fiber of my body, mind and soul LONGED for the OM and I was just being fake and stuffing it. It was more like when a person tries to break a habit--say biting your nails. Lots of times you go to do that habitual thing without thinking ... sort of automatically. In order to stop biting your nails, you have to catch yourself when you do that automatic biting, and then choose to stop what you sort of want to do, and then choose the NEW action (put your hand down or do something else with your hands). See what I mean? You really, REALLY do want to stop biting your nails but you're just used to doing it...and it's somewhat the same here. You really, REALLY do want to stop thinking of and feeling for the OM, but you're just used to doing it. So you catch yourself, choose to stop, and then pick the new action.

Quote:
2.You said you were scared to feel that powerless.Did you never feel that powerless about saving your marriage or were they both just intertwined?
Well I can't speak for Morrigan but I did feel powerless to save my marriage before the A. I hated having to beg for attention, I figured if I was *that* uninteresting and boring I must be a slug, and I got tired of trying. I mean when you stand naked next to a guy and he doesn't stop playing his game...come on there's trouble! So I gave up, felt no hope for fixing it, and right at that moment along came someone who at least acted like I was just a breath of fresh air!!

After the A I didn't feel helpless to end the A or save the marriage, but I did feel shocked at how strong the urge was to return even when I could SEE for myself that it wasn't working and it was a disaster to do so! That didn't make any sense to me! Also I felt like there was no way I'd ever be forgiven or "be able to fix this" it was such a gigantic mess...and what's really odd is that in my case although it felt big, not that many people knew or took up sides or any of that. I was lucky that way. I can't imagine how people do it when their whole family knows, people take up sides, the church knows, the neighbors know! So I guess in a way there is some helplessness there because it's like this: "How will I ever be able to fix this mess that I MADE and now all the fixing is up to the kindness of others basically!! "
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Just Tired Of It All View Post
One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you? Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog? Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP?
Lots of questions there! Again I can't speak for Morrigan but I do trigger. My A involved meeting a person in a certain game and then playing yet another game together, so one of my little boundaries is that I don't play games without my Dear Hubby and when I play, I play with him for the express reason of spending time with him having fun. But you know how you can't think of EVERY thing? Well periodically the original game will send an email to everyone who's ever played "We miss you" so when I saw that email I blocked it...but I triggered and remembered everyone I had met including the OM. Likewise I happen to enjoy certain hobbies myself such as target practice and antique guns...old west stuff...and folks who like that will sometimes mention they play the second game. Again, you can't think of EVERY thing, and I can't tell people what to talk about--so for that one I choose to keep myself away from that topic so I would just go to another area maybe and watch other shooters or something. Make sense?

So yeah there are periodically things that pop up that are like reminders. Some songs...some poems...etc. But for me, again it comes down to CHOICE. I can choose to forever have those songs remind me of the OM and have this sort of sentimental sorrow to them (which to me is a way to 'hold on' to the OP) -OR- I can choose to purposefully decide about those things as I come across them. Either I pick "oh that's too dangerous for me cuz I have a weakness there...so I will decide to not go there" or I pick "oh that used to remind me of OM...how can I claim that one for Dear Hubby?" Sometimes one thing I've done is that if I actually, as a human being, like that song or poem, I'll share it with Dear Hubby and send it to him, tell him I like it, and we talk about it.

Finally, when I talk about or write about the A now, in real life what it seems like to me is embarrassing and utterly foreign. It's like watching a movie of yourself doing something that just ISN'T you...but it was. I don't really trigger just remembering, but it's also been a long while and I have worked very hard to let go and build a strong marriage! Right this moment it feels pretty much like any memory--sort of like relating a story.
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes you are making since. It is helping to explain how
the fog makes the WS feel and think.. I appreciate your honesty, and you taking the time to explain it.

One question thou, if you dont mind, you brought up triggers. So we know that BS can trigger easily, but can WS do the same? Like even thou you are R marriage, as you are writing this or really anytime you have to remember does it trigger you. Do you have any of the feeling you had after ending the A, or when you was going thru the fog. Does it ever cause you to trigger and bring back the feeling/or thouts of your AP.

I do appreciate you taking the time to help, it does help a BS to understand what there WS is going thru...
Yes I do trigger. I'm triggering now to be honest just thinking about that awful time. It doesn't bring back thoughts of the AP (He never enters my thoughts anymore. Ambivalence can be a wonderfully freeing emotion.) but it brings back a lot of the guilt. Its one reason I have a hard time posting on TAM. Once the fog cleared and I began seeing reality I never went back to those old thought processes. And I do trigger if I am reminded of things I/we did during the affair. But again its guilt that I feel, not feelings for the AP.

This may not be a popular thing to say here but once the fog starts to clear there is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt the WS experiences. So much so that I would bet many WS would rather get divorced than confront their own consciences. That is the real tragedy. The BS is so damned injured by the betrayal and the WS is so damned guilty. And the WS cannot really acknowledge the guilt because most would say we deserve it. And to a large extent we do but it doesn't make it hurt any less. So we carry that around all the while trying to comfort the person we injured. Some can't do it so they just give up. I refused to give up on my marriage but I will tell you that there were times early on when I wanted to die. I know that might sound melodramatic to some but its true nonetheless. The only thing that stopped me was my son. Then when my feelings started to return for Beowulf I had even more incentive to keep going.

I'm going to go take a walk now with Beowulf. I need to go get some air.
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:33 PM   #15 (permalink)
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This is helpful to me very much.
My husband returned home Jan 2nd and I know he has not cut contact. He cuts it for the weekend usually. Today he even refused oral sex and I thought okay...whatever, this is just never going to WORK...then he reconsidered a half hour later.

I think he realizes logically like one of you said that the affair was a fantasy and an escape...UNFORTUNATELY in a BIG way it was an exgirlfriend from high school and she never told him her oldest child is his. H and I have 4 kids together. The one with her was 2 years before I met him, so the ONLY good thing is that she married another guy while pregnant, had a child with him and the older child knows that man as his father. And he is 19 now, so is technically an adult.

But we had all this financial difficulty and a 16, 14, 10 and 2 year old and he felt ignored and like a failure as a provider and along comes a past life with a child he didn't know existed....voila! You are the one for me blah blah blah..
he came home, but the emotional connection it almost non existent because he just won't allow it.

It helps a lot to see that there is this phase in there where you DON'T feel for your spouse but at the same time you have come to see that the AP isn't really what you thought, either.

This AP thankfully lives 12 hours away and they met once....after which he drove directly home to me. But did say he wouldn't be able to talk about her for a year or two.

He continues to talk to her, but I think b/c she left her husband after talking to him for a few weeks he feels like he's destroyed two families and now no matter what he has one destroyed family...which to me makes no sense....he took vows to ME and we had 4 kids.

But I can see my negative contributions to his state of mind and that on top of what is going on in his head. I am grateful that the people who were invovled in an affair are willing to help us understand.

I can wait...and I think he wants me to...but it is SO hard w/o affection. There is sex a couple times/week, but the 'I love you' and hand holding and hugging and deep meaningful conversations...I feeel like the guilt from the affair on top of the financial issues (almost foreclosed on house and filed bankruptcy to avoid and he could have lost job that is commission only...stressful esp, from what I understand, for a man who has been the sole provider)

The whole timeline thing and the things the wayward spouse feels ....this is just SO helpful to understand. Thank you. Details are helpful. Maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but it makes me see it can be worked through.

Would be helpful to know if anything your BS did helped or hurt.
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