I took advice from members of TAM…..for my wife to admit to her having an EA. She denied it……she got violent ….we argued and my wife became physical and started to fight/hit and throw things at me. It ended with me kicking her out of the bedroom. Yesterday was the second night my wife didn’t sleep in our bedroom.
My wife shows no remorse and most likely thinking "she didn’t do anything wrong". As far as she is concerned her internal thinking must be going on like this……”I didn’t crossed no boundaries in marriage”
There is no discussing the EA. There is no gaslighting or blameshifting. She doesn’t want to bring it up anymore. My wife doesn’t think she is at fault.
Bringing up the topic of EA gets my wife upset and angry. She will always start going on about….I’m never happy…..always have to find something to feel sad about…basically saying “I’m a broken needle in a record player”
I’m reading the book “Not just friends”…..and I know for sure…my wife will never read it….. I know what she is like.
I do plan to continue reading other books…like “Love Languages, Love Busters” once I finish “Not just friends”.
I wife feels used and not valued. She feels alone without close family and friends to socialize with. My wife misses the ability to talk and kick back with people. She wants more to life and just being the mother, looking after the kids and being married to her husband. She doesn’t want to be tied down with household chores. She stated in the past…”There must be more to life”…..”there is something missing in her life”
Chapparal…I only report what my wife says to me. I didn’t understand….what scab I'm picking at….I may be, but not sure what you are referring to.
Will Kane…you are spot on….. with your statement …I really hope she learns and realizes the relationship with the nephew was not right and hurt the marriage…..please god…make my wife understand this.
Chapparal…I only report what my wife says to me. I didn’t understand….what scab I'm picking at….I may be, but not sure what you are referring to.
I think what he meant was, the harder you try to get your wife to admit that there was something wrong with the EA, when she is so adamant about it not being wrong, that it doesn't allow you to move beyond it now that she's NC.
And I realize the reason you don't want to let go is you rightfully fear rug-sweeping--that is, pretending the EA was no big deal, which opens the door for another EA with someone else further down the line.
Here's a different tack to take, if you haven't tried it. Have you approached this from the point of how hurt you feel about her relationship, rather than just pure anger? Have you shown her tenderness in these discussions, rather than confrontation?
Not Just Friends does talk about this, how there has to be bridge. The person in the EA can't be punished forever for what they did, or they won't see a point to staying in the marriage.
But you are right, this is a big hurdle for you, that she won't admit it was wrong.
We can't tell how you're handling this--so maybe youv'e done this already. What I would have been saying is,
"When you spent so much time talking to someone outside of our marriage, about things that were important to you, I felt like you were turning away from me and the marriage. I felt like he was more important to you than I am. I felt like you have stopped coming to me when you have a problem or need to share your feelings. Maybe you don't agree with me. But I'm trying to explain how this made me feel. It doesn't matter whether it was just a friendship. It crossed a line into damaging our marriage, and it hurt me deeply."
You've figured out why she likely had an EA. She needs validation, outside of being a housewife. That is a very common thing for women to experience. Being a housewife in modern America (not sure where you're located) can be a lonely, isolating existence. Children are not intellectually stimulating the vast majority of the time, and it is inappropriate to share your adult concerns with them. You know all this, you need to brainstorm with your wife on how to handle this very common issue.
Ilovelife. Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think I’ve been confrontational…but that just me thinking
The one thing I have being doing is text talking to my wife. I find I can control my words and it allows us to control our feelings. I don’t fly of the handle and nor does my wife. If it does go crazy….we don’t directly hear it.
When we do text talk…I can summaries my wife’s feelings to this
“stop playing shrink with me. You either move forwards or you don’t….make up your mind”
“then quit going around in circles”
“I’m trying then YOU do this whole sulking thing”
“your mood swings are what’s interfering”
“ And u still dwelling over past???? F***king MOVE FORWARDS”
“You’re the perfect king that’s all u want to say…I’m sooooo f***ing horrible”
I will move forwards to repair this marriage….just didn’t what any rug-sweeping
What you may find as you reconnect using the advice from the books you're reading is that she will open up more.
I found in my own marriage that while I remained angry and fixated on finding out all the details and how WRONG it all was, there was no room for my husband to express remorse.
It is a tricky thing: they need to see your pain and disgust and anger to some extent so they KNOW that this has hurt you.
But again, they have to see that their marriage is a valid alternative--something worth saving and nurturing.
Try to stop talking about it every day. Reserve it to once a week. Turnera mentioned this solid advice that is often given to me not so long ago and it made a huge difference. Write stuff down if you feel like you will pop if you don't talk for fear of forgetting to raise it with her.
"Chapparal…I only report what my wife says to me. I didn’t understand….what scab I'm picking at….I may be, but not sure what you are referring to.
Will Kane…you are spot on….. with your statement …I really hope she learns and realizes the relationship with the nephew was not right and hurt the marriage…..please god…make my wife understand this.
I was just saying what Will Kane said but he did a much better job.
Forget the EA for now and make up with her. When she sees you are not the enemy youcan show her the book.
For now work on romancing her and showing her how good life can be. Most importantly you need to connect with her. NEVER discount her opinions/ideas. They may seem silly to you but they are deadly serious to her.
It’s been a week since, my Wife and I had the fight. I’ve been Not ”just friends” and it’s been eye opening to say the least.
I am giving my marriage all that I can give and will continue for 12 weeks +. I’m going to be the best husband I can be. My wife has seen a change in me and she is not sure what’s happening. I’ve been kind, happy and trying to show my appreciation to her. It’s also a week since I have kicked her out of my bedroom and she hasn’t returned.
I’m not going to deny my wife didn’t have a EA, but what I will say is…it’s was some wired…..strange friendship/EA type of thing.
I will also admit, when she texted/messaged with her affair partner..OM, she entered another world and escaped from the concrete reminders of her unbearable emotional pain……..”my wife thinks she is responsible for the death of the best friend……being married with 4 children……responsibilities….a marriage braking down..”
I truly believe my wife is depressed about everything in her life.
Her affair offered intellectual stimulation and fun at the time when she was way down in the dumps…….she even said this to me.
My wife used the EA or talking/texting to her bestie as an antidepressant instead of getting professional help for her situational depression.
My wife got an ego booster…she got an enlarged version of herself and enjoyed the feedback that told her she is special and infinitely valued and appreciated. She became idealized by her bestie. She enjoyed the positive mirroring; from her bestie’s eyes……..my wife got all the approval she needed
It sounds like you took the time to gain some understanding and insight into her EA. I think depression and an escape from difficulties is a common way that EAs form. The difference between an EA and a true friendship (if it's nonsexual) is that it's consuming; confidences and secrets are shared that are hidden from the spouse; and the EA partner does not provide objective criticism, only affirmation and validation. She received approval all the time whether she deserved it or not.
I'm also glad to see you're identifying ways to show her you can change. That is wonderful, and I would continue in that direction. But all the changing n the world cannot heal her depression if that is one of her biggest problems.
Has your wife seen a counselor yet for her depression?
That's one of my wife's biggest problems.....she never admits to what the problem is. I see the problems. If I recommend anything, she takes it the wrong way.
My wife can not handle constructive criticism.......telling her to seek help for depression.......I can see her thinking...."so know you think i'm depressed.......I'm so f***ed up.....thank you for telling me.
When we do text talk…I can summaries my wife’s feelings to this
“stop playing shrink with me. You either move forwards or you don’t….make up your mind”
“then quit going around in circles”
“I’m trying then YOU do this whole sulking thing”
“your mood swings are what’s interfering”
“ And u still dwelling over past???? F***king MOVE FORWARDS”
“You’re the perfect king that’s all u want to say…I’m sooooo f***ing horrible”
I will move forwards to repair this marriage….just didn’t what any rug-sweeping
Your wife has no remorse, demands rug sweeping, is very selfish, and sounds like a complete bit**. Putting the affair aside for a minute, have you ever asked yourself if it makes sense for this person to be the person that you spend the rest of your life with? I do not ask this question lightly as I have never been divorced and been married for over 20 plus years. I find that when people get cheated on that they often spend so much time trying to repair the marraige and make it work, that they never look at their own lives and their own needs and ask is this best for my happiness.
She is responsible for her happiness and you are responsible for yours (good thing too since she does not seem to care about your happiness). Remember that it is not just all about her and that your happiness matters too. The next move is yours. Make it count.
I’m going to defend my wife by saying she is a wonderful person…..but here comes the but. My wife has baggage…..from her life.
She is a wonderful person, when seen from the outside. Friends, family see a sociable, smart, funny family orientated person. She smiles, very accommodating and retains a positive attitude to life.
When it comes to our internal family, she is a Bit**. I have 4 kids with her and this is too much for her. She does nothing but shout and demand thinks from my kids. I ruined my anniversary day, to make the point to never hit the children. Over the 12 years, I have told her so many times to pitch her voice to the kids…..not just shout at them with one tone. My wife is all about shopping and having a good time.
My kids are lazy and take her for granted. They don’t want to clean up their room because my wife doesn’t clean her room. They don’t want to brush there teeth because my wife doesn’t brush her teeth. I’ve keeped the family together. I’ve the one who being washing the clothes and putting the clothes away for the past 12 years. I’ve the person who has been cutting her children nails. Because of my wife’s failure. I’ve been the one who clean, stainted her underwear and put them away.
I’ve been asking the eldest two children to pull together and do more work to keep the family together. My eldest does a lot and feels like a slave. She is 15 and knows what her mom is like. My wife is on a rampage today. The kids rooms are a big mess. The 10 year old daughter is lazy and never tidies up. My wife is swearing and being emotional abusive.
The kids need a rude awaking.....
I told my wife that swearing to not the answer. The son of 8 will start talking back a bit. Again my was is emotionally/mentally attacking my son. It's days like this which I say to myself....enough of this......end the marriage.....
The only reason my wife is on this rampage..is my wife's family are coming from the UK.....and staying the night.....The upstairs is a mess and her name/reputation will be tarnished...if they say our messy house . I've kicked my wife out of the my master bedroom. My wife wants to give our bedroom up for the night. I'm heading for another fight. Should I give up the room....or stick my guns....The extended family will surly find out something is up if I don't give up the master bedroom....and my wife doesn't want that
I do ponder if my wife is the person who I want to be for the rest of my life.
I’m going to defend my wife by saying she is a wonderful person…..but here comes the but. My wife has baggage…..from her life.
She is a wonderful person, when seen from the outside. Friends, family see a sociable, smart, funny family orientated person. She smiles, very accommodating and retains a positive attitude to life.
When it comes to our internal family, she is a Bit**. I have 4 kids with her and this is too much for her. She does nothing but shout and demand thinks from my kids. I ruined my anniversary day, to make the point to never hit the children. Over the 12 years, I have told her so many times to pitch her voice to the kids…..not just shout at them with one tone. My wife is all about shopping and having a good time.
My kids are lazy and take her for granted. They don’t want to clean up their room because my wife doesn’t clean her room. They don’t want to brush there teeth because my wife doesn’t brush her teeth. I’ve keeped the family together. I’ve the one who being washing the clothes and putting the clothes away for the past 12 years. I’ve the person who has been cutting her children nails. Because of my wife’s failure. I’ve been the one who clean, stainted her underwear and put them away.
You start off by saying that "I’m going to defend my wife by saying she is a wonderful person", then you tell us above what she is really like, and I have a hard time seeing what is so wonderful about her. Heck she does not even brush her teeth, yuck!! Add in your later comment that "My wife is swearing and being emotional abusive", and rather than thinking "wonderful", I am wondering why you are still there.
I think that it goes back to the point is my wife.......is she having a break down or mid life crisis or is she going through a form of depression. Over the 12 years of marriage, its never been like this or this bad
The surgeries, the death of the her best friend, her EA with the OM....using it as a replacement for antidepressant instead of getting professional help for her situational depression......
My wife doesn't even know why she is acting the way she is....she talks about everything coming to a boiling point and not being able to cope with it all. All the physical pains, all the emotional pains, and all the marital pains all at once and all very overwhelming.
On a side note.....My wife may brush her teeth 3 times a week or something like that.
Why does she refuse counseling? Does she think it won't work? Does she hate it because it's your idea? Does she think people who need therapy are weak? Just trying to understand.
My wife could be believing counseling wont work. My wife had close family friends, who youngest daughter went to a counselor/psychotherapist and she came back and told her parents, basically "I'm all messed up because the parents never said I love you to the daughter. I've been seeing a therapist who coined the phase "The phantom Boyfriend". My wife believes my mind being poisoned....all my problems are in my head.....people are telling me wrong things.
166Likes
Re: The Phantom Boyfriend/mid life Crisis 
