It’s interesting my wife feels……. I am the person that her betrayed her in our marriage and I am the person who broke her trust in our marriage.
My wife’s thinking sound like this……..
“All the pain and humiliation he put me thru…..My image has been tarnished.”
I’m the one doing the heavy lifting and my wife is the one who is injured. She is depressed, withdrawn, and angry.
She was talking to me in the car, about how her sister husband called my wife's mom crying about his problems and my wife committing to her mother how both her son-in-laws are unstable/crazy. My mother-in-law chuckled and I’m sure my wife did as well, but it serves the point that my wife feels she is the betrayed person my marriage. She was right and did no wrong and I was wrong in my thinking.
I need to understand that resentment will block love. I have to find a way to forgive and release the resentment. I know it’s difficult but its necessary, not for her but for me. I am married to my wife and I love her. I just hope she will see the light and gain understanding.
I trying to be the best husband I can be and be in a better marriage than before. It will get better over time. It takes time to heal.
My wife upgraded her phone. I didn’t have a big problem with that. She has a habit of wanting a new phone up most every 12-16 months, when all you need to do is reset the phone. We were at the Best Buy store and we needed to transfer the contacts over to the new phone. There was a password that had to be entered to get to the phone. I asked my wife what the password was. She told me the password was bestie. My wife had a smile/grin on her face when she told me. This is the description of the OM……..her best friend….bestie.
Driving back home and at home, I lost it. After making strides to make our marriage work, she still uses passwords to remember the OM. What my wife doesn’t understand is that Bestie is a trigger for me its about the EA she had. She still refuses to acknowledge it as an EA. We argued….I was furious that she would use that as password. I said things in the heat of the arguments and I asked her to leave my bedroom. My wife is adamant that I am going crazy, but she doesn’t understand what the full extent of what she did and how much time it going to take in healing from the EA…
We are having a picnic over the weekend and the OA parents are going to be there. They are going to be family from my wife’s side. My side of the family will be there. My wife’s parents and family will be their.
Question……………..Just what and how much details should I tell the OM parents. I wonder what they must be thinking about me attacking their son…..
I asked my wife what the password was. She told me the password was bestie. My wife had a smile/grin on her face when she told me. This is the description of the OM……..her best friend….bestie.
she still uses passwords to remember the OM. What my wife doesn’t understand is that Bestie is a trigger for me its about the EA she had. She still refuses to acknowledge it as an EA. she doesn’t understand what the full extent of what she did and how much time it going to take in healing from the EA…
Catherine, there is a lot of truth in what you are saying.
My wife thinks she did no wrong and I blew thinks out of proportion. I made her look like some *****.
If I start chatting up a girl as a best friend….my wife wouldn’t care…….she may use that as part of an argument….’your doing it….what’s wrong with what I did”.
When we argue, she uses the point of view of she being sociable…talking to people…..what she is saying is I don’t communicate to people……and my wife has to talk to people just to live…..she is sociable and I’m not sociable.
My wife just can not see my point of view.
My wife thinks I’m crazy and being brain washed by councilors and therapist alike.
Kemmoore…..not sure if you are referring to me. my wife or both of use
When you loose your temper in an arguement you have lost the arguement. Who paid for her new phone? If you did you should have turned around and took it back. I wouldhave stopped the car and stomped it without saying word. She bests you at every turn.
Arguing does you no good. If she calls/texts you on a phone with a password on it, refuse to answer.
Also google sh!t test, thats what she is doing to you.
Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:
1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.
2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.
3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.
4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…
5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.
6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.
7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.
8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.
9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.
10.Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.
11.Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.
So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
I hope you are able to do the many things that are listed in chap's post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chapparal
When you loose your temper in an arguement you have lost the arguement.
Gabster--having followed your thread for some time--this is something you need to really work on.
Anger is not the type of masculinity that wins over women
Shouting, losing your temper
etc.
Do you know what these emotions--when shown full force to her--tell her?
That she is getting to you.
That she is in control.
People who are self confident, who do not lose their tempers, are the ones who maintain control.
Someone says something to them. They don't react immediately. They pause and give themselves some time to think about what they will say next. Then they make a reasoned choice and execute that choice without a big show of emotion, without raising their voice. They might even manage to have a smile on their face.
Cool self-confidence. Cool assurance.
Don't shout. Don't say anything if you're angry. If you feel anger coming over you, let it ride over you like a wave. Wait just a minute or two, you will literally feel the anger dissipate. You cannot help if something makes you angry. But you can control your reaction to anger. The way to do this is to notice the angry thoughts. You feel the anger and mentally you say, "that is anger, I feel anger" but you don't say anything at all. The anger rushes in and then goes out. This takes practice, you cannot learn it immediately, but if you master your anger you will have learned a life lesson that will help you many times as your wife clearly knows how to infuriate you.
When you show your anger to her after she flaunts her bestie password--she won. She got a rise out of you and it gives her the satisfaction that she's still in the driver's seat. This is a child's game she is playing; show (not with disdain--with boredom) her that you are a grownup who cannot be bothered with such nonsense.
The same goes for her relationship with Bestie. No anger at the fact that she won't acknowledge what she did was wrong. Only a little hurt or sadness (not a lot--not crying). Only quiet comments of how disrespectful it was and is for her to think it was okay.
Chapparal…..your post is godsend…it should be a sticky! I am working on following the advice on the post
An update to my marriage
So its been a month since I last posted anything at TAM.. Since then, I have completely read the books not just friends and His needs and Her needs. Wonderful books and I have learned so much about myself and what it really takes to make a marriage work. I’ve on my 3rd book “for men only….a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women by Shanti and Jeff Feldhahn…..So far I have learnt that husbands need to continue to love their wife’s for life and women need to continue respect their husbands for life.
My problem is I have seen the light and want so much to improve my marriage. Out of the ashes, the phoenix is reborn and so can my marriage be……but and a big but is blame.
My wife blames me and thinks I am psycho and obsessed…. Seeing things in the marriage that are not there and/or not letting go
I remind her that I found out through secrecy about all that went down….and only trying to find answers of what went down.
There is basic break down in trust for both of us.
I would love to go to a marriage counselor and move forwards……but she doesn’t believe in MC….and so we are stuck in limbo…..
I have being making an effort to show affection to her without the need for sex…hugs and kisses in the morning as we wake up……as I leave for work….when I come from work, at the end of the night….I text her in the day…just to say I love you….I have requested that we spend 15 hours a week on bonding together as a couple. I have asked her to spend sporting activities together…..My wife hasn’t come through with any offers.
So here we are stuck in limo like the last 12 years…..I’m making changes….but I don’t see my wife making any changes. When we argue….and I no longer loose my temper…and all she fall back to is saying
“I’m just the bad person here that all you have ever said.”
My marriage is a roller coaster. I’m sticking to the plan of doing the best and being the best husband I can….but I can force my wife to love me or show the love I’m looking for. I doing the best to let her go…being ok with loosing her…..need to continue doing my own things… be an even better father to all my children and will try to do more stuff around the home….wash my car…..clean the back garden….do more man stuff. :-(
In February, My wife was in deep into her EA. As a couple, we were fighting….she started to find weakness in the marriage….blaming me….finding faults in our marriage….saying things like “there is something missing in her life”…. Looking back justifying her EA to herself…usual scrips for cheating wifes.
My wife had two tattoo's about two years ago. First, my name on her breast and second my name as a tramp stamp on her back. In February, she convinced herself that she had promised the kids and self-justified herself that if she put a tattoo of her husbands on her body, she now needed to put her other loves on their as well, referring to the children.
3 month later, I found out (now) that she had sneaked her then best friends OM(the nephews) name on the tattoo as well
I’m in shock…..in disbelieve she did this. My W does not know yet that I found out.
The bestie is out of the picture…the OM/nephew and his family are leaving the country for 3-4 month, going back to India. There is no more contact….the EA has ended. My wife has come…is coming out of the fog. I am doing my damnedest best job to rekindle the feeling of love from my wife to me.
Should I expose the name in the tattoo to her parents….the parents…farther will be in shock as well and will see their daughter for what she did. No one knows the EA more than I. My instincts were spot on.
If things are going well exposing it to her family might do more damage then good. Are you comfortable asking her to show the tattoo, then asking her to get it removed?
I think you absolutely need to confront the tattoo. The EA isn't over if she is wearing OM name permanently on her body. It's an in your face challenge that directly to you that she will never end the EA.
You should demand it be removed otherwise you are to be forever having your wife's emotional infidelity paraded in front of you.
Both you and her are still rug sweeping. She still won't own the affair and is still blameshifting, while you on the other hand, are the BS and the one doing the heavy lifting to repair the marriage. Unless your WW is totally in the left column here, she's nowhere near ready for the gift of R.
Come on, she's leaving reminders of OM for herself, like the password (which she shouldn't have in the first place if she was transparent) to having OM's nephew's name in the tattoo. That means the affair is still on in her mind. No, your WW still deep in the fog. I don't know about exposing the tattoo thing, she can still play that off. She's already demonized you as the bad guy, making you out to be obsessed and crazy. If you have the solid proof to expose, then do it.
Lordmayhem....I don't think I'm rug sweeping......Finding out about the tatoo ....The newphew's name....... just confirms my instincts. It took my 2 weeks max (1 week really)to know something happened to my wife....that my wife changed in some way. My W is displaying depression and anxieties signs of healing...?
The question is to expose or not to expose...to have it removed or not have it removed...... to tell my wife's parents or not to tell.
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Re: The Phantom Boyfriend/mid life Crisis 
