Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
:facepalm:
Typical WS rug sweeping tactic and nextgen is falling for it. She brought home salad and they watched tv to avoid the talk. Oh well. You can lead a horse to water.... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nexgen
Since I kicked her out, she had been going along with it. I have been arguing alot, but she keeps returning. Today I saw a lawyer about divorce. I got some things off my chest, and the lawyer agrees with me. She also said it sounds like she had a mental health issue...this is the second time I have heard this.
Here is my stance today:
-I dont want to be malicious, but I do want to protect our children, and my stance.
-I want us to be able to respectably divvy up our household items without needing a mediator. This includes getting to a place where it is legal for me to change the locks as I will then be the only one on the mortgage.
-I want us to be able to come to an agreement about the best interest of our children. This is their home, and I want that to stay that way. I want her to be able to have as much time with them as she wants as I believe they need that. That being said, I would need her to prove that she can be trusted to make responsible decisions about them before I could feel comfortable with them being with her unsupervised for any length of time. This would include her being willing to take an alchohol/substance abuse assesment, then acting accordingly based on the outcome of that assesment. If she really doesnt have a problem as she states then this will be a none issue for her and seeing a pass on that assesment will allow me to better trust her judgement.
-I WILL enlist the help of an attorney if I get the impression that she doesnt want to be responsible and play fair.
She is willing to let me determine the outcome. This shows me yet another reason why she has no intention on changing whatsoever.
So be it....I'm out. I'm worth way more than everything in this tragic tale that has become my life played out in this thread.
You good sir, are an *EDITED*
1_She is out of the house. When she shows up unannounced, you call the police.
2_Her mental health, sexual health or whatever ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. DO NOT THINK ABOUT THESE.
HER problems, NOT yours.
3_You NEED a mediator because you seem unable to separate your self from her emotionally. Read what I quoted you saying as evidence.
4_Her being able to have as much contact with the kids doesnt mean that it is good for them. See #3.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nexgen
Today has been a good day. The first day back to work since I booted her last saturday. It's good for me to take my mind off of things, and concentrate on work. I can feel and do some ' normal' stuff. Today I have been focusing on ME and it is paying off. At least for today I don't feel like I'm held hostage "in a glass case of emotion" (Ron Burgundy quote, lol)
P.s. She texted me last night from her sisters apartment at around 11:45 pm alone saying "it's lonely here".... I didn't take the bate.
block her number, report to police as harassment. if she wants to talk her lawyer can do it
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Did you even read the posts? And do you realize that your posts ae inflammatory and abusive to the OP. If you have a point, there is a better way to tell him about it.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
She was banging Eric infront of you, she was not even ready to quit meeting and banging eric, now both of you want to go for dates. REALLY....... What consequences does she had for disrespecting you and treating you like a POS? What you did to prevent her repeating the same behavior in few weeks or months?
What she did to earn your forgiveness other than bringing salad from work and watching TV together? or was it because she said she dont feel she need intimacy/PA from another male? She told you alot of things earlier also, she also assured you that Eric is only a friend, then what happened?
What happened to your 180 and staying strong? Are you only this much strong? You did many things wrong in your life and this is going to be one among that. When you are going to learn this?
What you did to deal with her alcoholism and unacceptable behaviors?
Try to answer these questions then you will know where you stands in R.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
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Originally Posted by warlock07
Wow, did the marriage survive?
IDK We didn't even know she was married until a month after it happened. We thought it was weird she wouldn't give the dude her phone number. Then we ran into one of her ex boyfriends that said she had been married at the time. Supposedly, she was so drunk she fell down in the parking lot.
The first regular GNO I was aware of turned into a divorce wihtin two months of both of them going out separately while the other baby sat 3 kids. Moma found a new man. When my buddy came into work, I knew what happened by looking at his face. I warned him what I thought could happen but he thought it was going to be wonderful just being able to get out by himself. This was around 1980.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
nexgen, you are going to get trampled on again, after all that your wife has done to you, again you are not responding and being firm in any consequences. "she said she doesnt have the need for physical/EA inimacy with anyone else now"???? WTF, work out why she even did! dont rug sweep and just sit there with this toxic woman and watch your "shows"... you are setting yourself up for failure with this person, and you will begin to be in the same boat as before.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
From 180: no date nights, act as if you're moving on with your life, no asking for reassurances, don't believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see...
It's okay to listen and engage if she wants to discuss the relationship, but she avoided the talk she suggested altogether. Why? Because it sucks to talk about such things. And because she knows you'll allow her to avoid it for the time being.
I know how tempting it is to ignore the elephant in the room and just watch TV like old times. But you're spinning your wheels unless she's actually making an effort to repair the damage done.
Good luck, I know you've got quite a balancing act going on right now, but it seems you should be more firm in your 180 and not jump back into trying to make it work. She doesn't deserve that...yet. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
n-
D-day for me was 2yrs-2month-2wks-20 hours ago,and the R my wife is working on has been efffective so far.She has done everything to help me heal, and as far as the marriage we are both working hard on keeping it healthy.
Now back to her R......after I confronted her we spend the next six months dealing with the affair, in what I mean is every single topic, discussion, conversation during breakfast, linch, dinner, and dates nights were all about her adultory.
It all boiled down to me dealing with infidelity with or with out her so she stuck around and dealth with the consequence. I most admit I made the talks comfortable with out judgement...very painful stuff to hear about this guy and that guy,the big ones , the small ones, but at the end of the day it takes fire to make steel and it was something I wanted. (part of the "I'll do anything" fWW said)
I felt I need to blow this crap out of the water, along with talks came the books, the IC and MC, the works. I wanted to open up this can of worms and if there was any sweeping being done it was going to be in one big pile and thrown up in the air to be examined.
The great part was my fWW was not willing but excepted what I felt was needed. as the week went on and with the right tools that were taught to both of us by counseling, she become more willing and in fact initiated the discussions. This is when things started coming together, her initation to talk about her adultory.
At the end of the day no matter how this works out for you the point is to open up this can of worms, and I mean WIDE open. if the both of you can face this crap head on and take by the horns you have a damb good chance.
Rare as my case is, the typical case involves the wayward to regress and avoid the issue, all the while the betrayed pushs away from the wayward. Often both spouse try to work on the marriage and don't face the infidely. All the salads in the world won't matter in the long run.
In short, my advice for both of you, face the adultory head on, then work on the marriage.
Until this elephent get out of the room ..........if you know what I mean?
Thanks for the advice. I'm trying the best I can today. Slowly but surely I'm taking more steps forward than backward. The more I (re)learn how to take care of me, and believe in myself, the easier it becomes for me judge my worth/happiness based on what I want instead of filtering that through the impression she gives me.
I went from 16-30 lost in my disease, then got sober with her in. my life. I spent a long time holding unhealthy boundaries with her because it was easier for me to just let her drive the boat rather than me have to turn down my dependence on alcohol/drugs. I have learned that this is a common occurence in relationships where untreated addiction is present. Another thing that I have learned is that on some level emotional and mental maturity slows down considerably in that environment as well.
Once I got sober and began to slowly come back to life so to speak, i/we did not do alot to change that dynamic of dependance, it was just familiar and comfortable for us. I have been warned many a time about the repercussions of leaving a dynamic like that unattended, but I never listened, and on some level I didn't want to change it because I didn't want, or know how to. What I am realizing is that I have little to no experience with being truly independent as an adult. I do believe that I can do it, it's just a little spooky sometimes.
**This is not an excuse for my or my wifes behavior, rather it is me trying to work through why I am responding the way I am in this situation. I do appreciate everyones feedback and support.**
regardless of how this pans out; D or R, the one thing I do know is that this whole experience has turned out to be a wakeup call and a learning opportunity for me.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
nexgen, you went to counseling, you learned the terms co-dependant and enabler. These characteristics are toxic in YOUR recovery. Why are you not pushing her to get help in her addictions?
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Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off? 
