this is a letter that im sending to my sister in law who happens to be a lawyer. ironically her entire family is on my side with all this and are dumfounded that their daughter would, or could act this way:
OK, so we are moving forward with the divorce. It is the LAST thing that I would ever choose, but she has decided that there is no part of her that wants to try to reconcile. In fact lately she treats me like no more than a roommate she is stuck living with based on circumstances. It is soooo hard for me time sit in the same room with her and watch her act like I don't even exist. I still don't have a clear explanation of how she got here and why she doesn't want to try....it is so exhausting and I feel completely alone, and abandoned. The reason I am texting you is that neither of us can afford a lawyer, and I don't think we would need one unless we can't agree on stuff.
That being said, here's what I am looking at that would be in the best interest of our children in the near term;
-I would get the house and assume ownership of the note and the deed.
This home is where a family is being grown, and the kids should not be displaced because of what she wants to do now. She agrees with this, and frankly her stance is that apparently she doesn't want to have anything to do with this place any longer (although she did choose this house when we were shopping)
-I would assume ownership of the SantaFe and she would retain ownership of the Saturn. the reason being is that vehicle is more reliable over the long term, and much safer with Airbags and anti lock breaks. Also maintenance will be less frequent as this car is much newer. There is more room of a family to do family/ home oriented things, like Grocery shopping with the kids, hauling household items, driving kids and kids friends here and there, etc. ... you get the idea. Also this car was a replacement for my vehicle, which was totaled and replaced through my insurance.
This part is the most important, and most touchy part..... custody of the kids. let me start by paraphrasing some key points on this subject through this year.
-She Loves her kids.
-She can be selfish at times.
-Often times she doesn't come to her senses and acknowledge wrong doing until after the fact. ...but the damage is already done.
-For this whole year she has been getting progressively more and more reckless and irresponsible with her actions, usually falling back on the typical "I'm sorry, it wont happen again" , "its not a big deal" kind of response. She has made it clear to me more than once that she Loves her kids but if she had it all to to over she would have never married me or had children when she did. This stance along with her constantly and regularly choosing time away from home in favor of bar hopping, getting drunk and high, and staying at various (mostly male owned) places for after parties makes it fairly evident that the safety and security of our children is not a priority to her right now.
I have had to cover for her not coming home or coming home and passing out not getting Simon to school at least 4 or 5 times this year. The times when she is there to get that done, I usually come home and see the house in shambles; dirty dishes all over the place, organic food on the floor, and in the couch cushions decomposing; (black bananas, dark brown apple cores, sandwich meat, and crust hardened, Jelly congealed and hard, etc. ..) It is obvious that there is not an appropriate amount of parental guidance on her part, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. There are times when it is evident that 5year old Simon takes on the role of caretaker in many situations where it should not be necessary, like him doing his best to get Marissa and himself breakfast because Amanda wont wake up to care for it herself like she should be. What if there was a fire, or an accident like one of the kids getting a head injury or cut or something that needed immediate attention and Amanda wasn't available to them.
Regarding custody of the kids, based on her behavior, which she sees nothing wrong with, i cannot reliably trust that she could be responsible enough to place our kids needs before her wants and not put them in emotional and possibly physical danger. That being said, what I want is to have joint legal custody so we can both do things like authorize medical care, schooling, etc. I would also want to retain full physical custody of the kids until such time that she can take a psychological eval and a drug and alcohol assessment, then based on the outcomes of those, take the appropriate steps that would be needed to get better. when she can 'pass' those two tests, and can prove to me through right and responsible behavior, i will then be willing to readdress the issue of joint physical custody.
Yes she is still wayward. Ironically ever since I confronted the man she had the affair with, and exposed their actions to his parents, he is not talking to her, and believe me she tries to. frankly at this point i really don't care whether or not she is still sleeping with him, or anyone for that matter.
but get this, and prime the hand to forehead dumfounded response to what Im about to write. After this(below) went down, it was painfully clearer than ever that not only does she not want to do the things that can work to save our marriage, she also has seemingly lost all respect and consideration for my feelings. We can sit in the room together and not communicate at all. Typically I was the one who initiated but I gave up on that too as usually her response would be some generic one liner one would reply with if you wanted to be polite but didn't give a damn what was being said.
ok so a couple weeks ago after this last, "I want back in" fiasco, that pink cloud ended with a typical, I'm going to the bar, wont be out long, to closing bar, to im going to go to Briannas house to hang out, ill probably just stay there.. I know this routine i say to myself, and I go about my business trying as hard as I can to not stay preoccupied with the fact that once again she chose "out there" over just coming home....
now heres the INSANE part, and at the moment I read this reply whatever may have been left for me to hold on to and try to nurture vaporised before my eyes, while I was sitting in my cube at work. this was her response to me telling her that i didn't appreciate how she treated me by staying out yet again with complete disregard of me and the kids feelings:
"I've told you before that its not my intention to hurt you. i wasn't out partying and getting wasted all night last night. we had a few drinks then i went and hung out with Tony. before you start over thinking things, let me tell you that he is in your position right now. his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and he is well aware of our situation. he knew it was you that called him the other day. like i told you earlier, we've hung out a couple times and he's a cool guy. i'm not 'Diggin' him, just enjoy talking. like i said, he is in a similar situation. i was trying to not throw it in your face that i was hanging out with a guy. wasn't trying to lie."
That sealed t he deal right then and there for me. That blows my mind!
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nexgen
now heres the INSANE part, and at the moment I read this reply whatever may have been left for me to hold on to and try to nurture vaporised before my eyes, while I was sitting in my cube at work. this was her response to me telling her that i didn't appreciate how she treated me by staying out yet again with complete disregard of me and the kids feelings:
"I've told you before that its not my intention to hurt you. i wasn't out partying and getting wasted all night last night. we had a few drinks then i went and hung out with Tony. before you start over thinking things, let me tell you that he is in your position right now. his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and he is well aware of our situation. he knew it was you that called him the other day. like i told you earlier, we've hung out a couple times and he's a cool guy. i'm not 'Diggin' him, just enjoy talking. like i said, he is in a similar situation. i was trying to not throw it in your face that i was hanging out with a guy. wasn't trying to lie."
That sealed t he deal right then and there for me. That blows my mind!
So she's helping another man recover from infidelity, but not you? Wow. She replaced Eric with Tony, so this Tony is the new OM.
Actually nexgen, this shouldn't blow your mind. Remember, this is a woman that actually wanted you to fix things between her and her OM.
Then she starts smoking weed in your own home with the children around and wants an open marriage. Something is seriously broken inside of her and you can't be the one to fix her. I hate to see another marriage bite the dust, but you have no choice. You said you were seeing a lawyer a couple of months ago. What's the progress on that? Did you put it on the back burner when you tried to R? Now you've learned that there's no way you can R with an unremorseful, unrepentant WS. She's still going out and banging other men, being a party girl at bars.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nexgen
organic food on the floor
This really is the deal breaker. Seriously?!
Organic. Floor. Straw/Camel/Back. Game Over!
Ok, jokes aside (and I'm not an a@#hole, just hoping you might smile for a second), I've kept up with your story all along, and have really been pulling for you and your kids. You've given it all you got, and your marriage still couldn't be saved. I'm glad, though, that you've stopped short of giving to the point where you wouldn't even be there for the kids. You have been and WILL BE there. Your crazy WW will look in the mirror (one day) and hate what she has done. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of her life (Casablanca).
You sir can hold your chin up. And while you'll continue to hurt more before you feel better, you at least know you gave your best. And you will feel better eventually. Think about that, really, for a second. About the totally opposite reflections you and your WW will see staring back from the mirror as time goes on...you having fought for your family and done the right things while she will always know deep down that you and the kids deserved better.
Stay strong my friend. Continue to make yourself into a better version of you each day in some small way. Continue to be a great father. Her loss. Make it a GAIN for you and your kids, in time at least.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
Nobody can help your stbxw, only she can do that when she is ready to accept responsibility for her behavior. Sadly that may or may not happen. For that reason you and your children need to move on with your lives without her.
thanks for the kind words as always, and for the gentle ribbing. i have gone through a lot, as have my children. nobody should ever have to suffer so much at the whim of another person. i know many of you correctly predicted the outcome from the onset of this thread, and believe me i can see why. i thank you all for staying supportive, and actually caring about me as i went on this journey. This was the way i had to do it to be certain that i had done all i could to save this marriage, and that if it was still destined to fail it wouldn't be for lack of effort on my part.
one other think i have learned about myself is that i am stronger than i thought i was. sure there are still days when a song comes on, or a memory meanders on by that will make me think of the way it used to be...when we were happy, and know that we wont have that together again, and it will make me sad. Remembering how she would look down at Simon, our first born, and a calm would overtake her, then she would look at me and we would lock eyes while he was sleeping as if to say to each other thank you, i love you, I'm here always, i get it, i never want this to end. we could sit for hours like that.
What i do know is that even tough this chapter in my story is coming to a close, I can move onto the next chapter knowing that i have grown as a man, a father, and a spouse. I am not angry, I am not beaten, I am not resentful, I do feel pain, but not in a way that is ominous, rather it is embraced on some level. as a recovering addict/alcoholic, just feeling anything is a monumental milestone of recovery, i embrace it, and want to know it. I can know that when life dealt me a bad hand, i did not fold, instead i ponied up to the table, ready to try my best to play well the hand i was dealt......I believe i have done that.
I am not scared, i know i can be brave.
I am not lonely, i know that God is right here with me.
I am not sad, for i had a chance to be shown what was really important...and i wasn't it, my kids were, are and always will be.
and....I will love again....maybe not as intensely as the start of my first love, but it will surely be appreciated many times more than my first, as now i understand that i cannot take for granted or overlook even the smallest detail, because if i do i will not be living my life as fully as i could be.
Re: Am I nuts? Blind? or can patience finally pay off?
I'm glad you are getting out from under this crap. I have a feeling that your kids will feel the same way since all this women does is bring out the worst in you.
Once they see daddy happy you will see a change, what sucks is watching mommy slide even furthure....but in the end they still have ther dad who stopped putting up with the b*llsh*t that made him so unhappy.
That in its self should be the motivation to push this along ASAP. I hope your SIL can help at the very least take the step to distance your self from this drunk and be there for the kids.
Don't be like me, I waited to long and out of the 2 adult kids (22 D and 18 S) my son is still struggling to finish high school. The daughter got out of HS bearly but is on the 5 year plan at college. It sucked going to the cop shop for my kids delieguency b/c my wife was to messed up to get them to school.
Having been there man I feel for you and a respect you for taking the big steps to make a healthier choice for your kids.
Any way enough about me brother, your kids are still young and you have a chance to still make a difference, so stop letting your chick drag you and your kids down.
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