OldWolf57

Ask her why she does'nt love her kids enough to try to save her own life. Ask when did she become such a selfess person that she puts herself before her kids. But, let her know you are not talking about you and her getting back together, but about her, taking care of herself for her kids sakes. YOU WORK the 180, that will show her that you are moving on and only interested for your kids sake. AND PLZZZZ, tell her what your 5 yrs old said. It's time to go dirty, regardless whether you an her make it back o each other. It's for the kids an her now.

nexgen

Sorry I haven't powered up in a few days. I have been working the 180, and the "it's not just me anymore" angle. I am making her fully aware that I can no longer tolerate her behavior and if there is not some sport of progress papers will be served and my priority will be my, and our childrens well being. I am doing much better at not trying to reason with her, it's hard, but I'm getting there.

Yesterday I let go and basically bickered at her, she rebelled as I should have expected. Today I have chosen little to no contact with her......and I can tell that it is having an effect. She came to me and asked if we could talk after she's off work. I said that would be ok, but that I am VERY weary and my bullsh1t radar is turned waaay up so if she wants to broach the subject of how to get back to one with me, she will have to try VERY HARD to prove to me that it is not a ruse.

I'm going to see how that talk goes because I do still love her, and if it is possible for her to come back down off the crazy train I would want her back.

I'll let you know how it goes. if it becomes am epic fail on me then you all have my permission to tell me you told me so. I am much stronger, and have a tougher shell because of all this, but deep inside I am still a hopeless romantic.

Beowulf

We all want to give the ones we love the benefit of the doubt. Just stay calm, don't argue and listen to what she says. But remember that actions are what counts and if all she can offer is words it won't be enough.

nexgen

Thanks Beowulf, and I agree. I will do the best I can.

I no longer want to be part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution.

Humble Pie

Its good you are giving her more chances to talk openly, how can this be a fail for you if its just a discussion, and you havent agreed on anything yet. Don't blame yourself for anything and be firm with her. best of luck

nexgen

She came home last night after work. We ended up not having our talk, she got cold feet. Instead we hung out together. She brought a salad home from work, and we shared that while watching our shows.

She has been making an effort to be here, it doesnt feel like she is just waiting to leave again. That being said I am still doing my own thing. At this point it seems like we both want the same thing but we are both a little nervous.

from some of the things we have talked about do far, she says she no longer has this desire to seek intimacy/PA elsewhere. She has also told me she wants to work back towards us. To start we are setting aside time for ourselves, with each other, and with the kids. We have 2 date nights a week, then we each have "me" time nights, and also family night for everyone.

warlock07

You are doing the same mistake again. Remember, the OM dumped her. Implement hardcore 180 unless she shows some consistent changes over a period of time. Rehab for alcoholism should no even be an argument. You ate setting yourself for failure if you do the same mistakes again

bandit.45

Warlock is right. Don't take the bait. She is setting you up for an a$s kicking down the road. She just needs a place to crash and is appeasing you.

Stay on the 180 and protect yourself. No dates or lovey-dovey until she is going to AA 3x a week for a long period, staying sober, and abstaining from e-mails and texting. She has to earn her way back to you. Don't sell yourself so cheaply.

nexgen

I am taking this movement VERY cautiously. I am still working things on the premise that I do not want to let her back into me until I can be sure it's real. I can no longer settle for jumping all in every time she "cries wolf". Through all of this and the advice I get here, I am becoming more aware. I also have been able to go through a good portion of the grieving process, and I do accept that if nothing changes I will be a single father.


I don't want to just close my eyes and jump all in just because I dont want to be alone. Today I am a little more comfortable with the idea of being single.

There was an email that I sent her last friday, it started by me wanting to forward her an email about stuffing resentments about your spouse. She had said, and learned in counseling that she has never actually forgiven me for the way I was before I got sober. We have learned that that has a big influence on why she feels like it's "her turn", because in a way I held her hostage during my drinking/using days. Those of you in recovery, or are with someone in recovery will understand that this dynamic exists, and if not tended to can have negative repercussions.

She has never gone to alano to share with others that are in her position, and she has never taken it upon herself to learn more about my disease/recovery and how it affects our relationship.

So for the last 4 years I have been treating my disease, but she has not been doing the maintenance that could help her understand, forgive, and grow.

Today we are both aware that that is a big part of why this is happening. We both also know that it is not an excuse, but a possible source. More importantly that her recent actions are no less improper because of it. The things that she has been doing are NOT acceptable regardless of why she did/does them. She also knows this.

The thing is that knowing they exist, and having the courage to start doing something about them are two completely different animals. Last night was going to be the first of what will be a long journey back to one. I believe she can start to open up, and it will only happen if she wants to do it. progress not perfection as they say.

In short, I want to continue to 180, and I am aware that firmer behavior on my part will be more effective. Again progress not perfection.

nexgen

Almost forgot. When she gets off work I'm going out and about with my brother to shoot some pool, and socialize. It's my turn for some "me time".

I told her I don't know what time I'll be home....

warlock07

What about rehab for her drinking problems? You did see this pattern before, right? She wants to be with you and loves you for a few days and then she regresses again. The turn around is surprisingly short. I am still not sure that the date like activities are good at this point. She is slowly reeling you back into the equation you guys shared before the blowup. Just remember, this is the woman that left the night to stay with Eric(and most likely had sex ) when you kicked her out. And much worse, she wanted you to fix things between them. How humiliating!!

She has to do a lot more than proclaiming that she no longer has any need for EA/PA outside the marriage. You heard these words before, remember?

I think this can wait until you are sure of her changes

chapparal

Both of you should know exactly who youare with, where you are and when you will be home at ALL times.

GNO/BNO = death to relationships From the first one around 1980 to the last one 2 years ago, all these situations except one, have ended in divorce among my friends and aquaitances.

But you already know this.

I know of one newlywed nailed in a parking lot in a ONS. Do you think she planned that when she left her husband at home?

You are kidding yourself.

nexgen

Good points Warlock, I guss I didn't think of it like that but it makes perfect sense. I'm really glad this place is here because st least in here you guys do a good job of holding each other accountable and reminding each other to see the forest through the trees.

I am proceeding with caution, and need LOTS of stuff to change before I call it good enough.

OldWolf57

Nex, if you guys want date nights, make them AA meeting and icecream afterward. No wii bowling or anywhere there is liquor. Being out like old times will trigger her, and you can judge how much she wants change, by how big an argument she makes for going to an old drinking place after the meeting. Either way, the 180 is your shield and buckler. So keep on working it.

TDSC60

I have seen the same thing happen time and time again with GNO/BNO. Somehow it seems to happen more with GNO when they go to a bar or club. So watch out with the "me time" stuff.

Also transparency works both ways. You should not only have told her who you are going with and where you were going, but when to expect you back home. This is just common courtesy and respect for the others feelings. 180 is one thing but this is not part of it. You have to be willing to do the things you want from her to show her the way.