You need to confess to your wife and inform the husband as well. How would you feel if you were the husband? You need to let the truth out. You are still disrespecting and humiliating your wife and the husband by not telling them the truth and I think you know this.
you need to tell your wife - this woman lives within walking distance and has been coming on to you for ages, you get into a situation where you KNOW what's likely to happen and you do it anyway. You didn't get drunk before you went I assume?
just hope that your wife doesn't dump you - I would
Over the past few months a (female) married friend of mine has been hitting on me, quite clearly. Started with her touching my hand, kissing me on the cheek on the sly, secret looks, etc. A while ago she told me she has thoughts of me and wants to sleep with me, my wife and her husband.
I always told my wife everything, who was also very intrigued by the idea. She would make references to me and the OW having sex, but not in a jealous/testing way.
Loose boundaries. Wait a second, NO BOUNDARIES. If this idea intrigues your wife, I daresay it won't be much of a shock when you confess.
Are you swingers? It seems unlikely that you would be propositioned in that manner in a non-swinging community.
No, we aren't swingers. My wife and I have always had, until now, a typical monogamous relationship. The flirting was always when the OW was inebriated and I always marked it down to drunken flirtations, until she made that proposition and until the recent incident. I never thought about doing anything with her until she made the move before my wife left.
I don't mean to sound like it was her advances that made me do it. I am not trying to get out of my part. I m just thinking about everything that has happened and this was the sequence of events.
Dollystanford, I didn't drink before I went.
I don't want to see the woman anymore. We both feel a sense of extreme guilt and have agreed we need to end our friendship. While I know this is what needs to happen, I don't feel like this really solves that much. The damage has been done.
I know I have messed up, really, really bad. I am now faced with the potential to lose the woman I love and I don't want that. I am wondering if I can solve this without her knowing but I have this burning feeling that the rest of our lives together would be a lie if I held onto this without telling her. And I don't want to tell her also because she will be hurt and she didn't to anything to be hurt.
We have a counsellor who helped us through some tough times before, in our marriage, but nothing like this.
I can't tell anyone what I've done because I think it would be even worse if she (my wife) found out I'd told others before her. I need some help.
I don't know if I should contact a different counsellor to get help or the one that knows us and our history. I'm sorry for these questions, but this is so hard, I don't know what to do next. I need to talk about this.
As I said, after the night the next day she called and we agreed it'd be best not to be friends.
And I know everyone is telling me to tell my wife, but I can't at this moment. She needs this experience and it would make it so, so much harder (maybe impossible) for her, particularly given that she's already out of her comfort zone and needs all of her attention focused on her work.
I am afraid that other husband will return and get told and my wife will find out, before I tell her and when she is vulnerable being away from home without her support network.
I couldn't wait so I emailed our family counsellor.
You need to tell your wife before she finds out from someone else. If you live within walking distance, it is very likely that someone will tell her. Hard as it is, it is better coming from you.
Since your wife is away I can understand not wanting to tell her on the phone.
See if you can find a marriage counselor before she gets back and book in. It can take a couple of weeks sometimes to get in.
You need to understand that there is no issue of how much this will cost. The financial cost of divorce is to reset your life to zero, so if you have any rainy day money. THIS is the rainy day.
It is your actions that will speak now.
You must tell her when she returns. She likely will not believe you did not have sex. She will want the details. Give them to her.
She will want timelines, Give them to her.
CUT all contact with this woman. Don't even walk past the house, go the long way around.
Your marriage is in VERY serious trouble and will never be the same again. You are going to need to get into MC.
Since your wife is away I can understand not wanting to tell her on the phone.
See if you can find a marriage counselor before she gets back and book in. It can take a couple of weeks sometimes to get in.
You need to understand that there is no issue of how much this will cost. The financial cost of divorce is to reset your life to zero, so if you have any rainy day money. THIS is the rainy day.
It is your actions that will speak now.
You must tell her when she returns. She likely will not believe you did not have sex. She will want the details. Give them to her.
She will want timelines, Give them to her.
CUT all contact with this woman. Don't even walk past the house, go the long way around.
Your marriage is in VERY serious trouble and will never be the same again. You are going to need to get into MC.
Thank you for your reply. I have an appointment with our marriage counsellor tomorrow evening.
I can't even focus I can't believe what I've done. And I went there knowing what she had said but justified it to myself saying I wouldn't do anything. And there'd be people there. I've destroyed a friendship and potentially 2 marriages. Oh my god Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with others that you need to tell her ASAP. She's gone for a few months?? She will find out before you tell her, if you wait. And then things will be ten times worse, because she won't believe a word you say about what happened...because you kept it from her. See the snowball reaction?
Don't worry about ruining her mood on her "opportunity" work trip. Sorry, you've already done that. But the sooner you come clean the better...you will have very little credibility with her for a while anyway...but you'll have a heck of a lot more than if she finds out from the other woman's husband. Posted via Mobile Device
You don't want her to think you're only telling her about it because you got caught. You want her to hear it from you first, or odds are she won't ever truly believe your story and how far it went (or didn't go). She may not either way. Just telling you the best damage control you can do. As a BS, I know I would've much preferred to hear of my ex's wandering from her than figure it out in my own. Needless to say, I didn't, so I divorced her. Good luck. Posted via Mobile Device
You don't want her to think you're only telling her about it because you got caught. You want her to hear it from you first, or odds are she won't ever truly believe your story and how far it went (or didn't go). She may not either way. Just telling you the best damage control you can do. As a BS, I know I would've much preferred to hear of my ex's wandering from her than figure it out in my own. Needless to say, I didn't, so I divorced her. Good luck. Posted via Mobile Device
If the roles were reversed I guess that you would not want your wife to tell you? By the way, I bet when the OW gets drunk again she will tell her husband and the husband will come to you and your wife.
As other members already adviced, firstly, you should not contact other woman at all, delete everything that reminds her.
My boyfriend (for almost 6 years, living together for 4) had an affair during his trip (they spent nice holidays in same room, kissed etc, but as he swears, no sex).
He swears that same as you he felt so terrible every day, every day dying emotionally from pain and shame for things he did, but I found out that even 3 months after the trip he chatted with her on skype (as friends) but still sharing memories of the wonderful trip in his life (his own words).
And he deleted her from facebook friendlist only after I found out (6 months after the trip) and also pictures from his album were deleted after I catched him and asked for 1 week.
He says he did not care about her at all anymore therefore he also did not delete her from friendlist. But for me- it shows only not enough remorse. Feeling terrible every day but having her at a friend list?
Secondly, your wife has a right to know. As I tell my boyfriend, you had your chance to have your pleasure, let me to have my pain. Its her right to know, no matter how painful it is. Its her right to decide does she wants to be with man like you. Dont make all her life a big lie.
And also I think its better to inform her now. Because if you will tell her later, imagination is strong, she can think that you had affair all the time while she was away. As she is not here, she cant see whether it was only once or every night.
Lastly, if you will be enough honest to tell her, I wish you also to be strong and patient. I experienced same things as her and you really will have to show a lot of remorse, work and ask for forgiveness and somehow prove that you would never do it again (if its possible to show).
I hope it can work out for both of you.
Lokum, thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate hearing your honest story but similar to the other's advice, it is not what I want to hear.
I understand about telling her. I appreciate that if it is kept from her, there would always be this lie between us. I don't want that in a relationship, but I also don't want to lose her and I know that I've done has the potential to do that.
And, I don't feel I can or should tell her while she is away. It is hard enough for her at the moment and I don't want to make it harder. I hope that she gets through the trip without this affecting her.
However, I do have an appointment tomorrow with the counsellor who has a strong knowledge of our both of us and will have some advice, I am sure.
She is so happy at the moment and I have done this, to us. I knew that it was the wrong thing but I could not rationalise how it would affect me, when caught up in the emotion/thoughts/act. I keep thinking that it would have been so simple to not go and my life wouldn't be ruined, but I still did it.
10Likes
Re: Just cheated, I really need some advice 
