Hi, I am 36 years old, married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years. We have always been the best of friends and have a great amount of love and respect for each other. Things have been hard. I have a long term autoimmune disease and we have not been able to have children which we very much wanted. I have suffered multiple miscarriages and we have exhausted all of our resources on fertility treatments, leaving us childless and without any other options at this point. We had a dog who we loved as a child for 16 years, but more on that later...
My husband is a workaholic and owns his own business, I do work but have a lot of free time. I've always been prone to boredom and depression and I am incredibly shy. I was spending a lot of time on Facebook and joined a lot of groups and had fun chatting with new people about our common interests.
One of the people I started chatting with really did something to me. We left Facebook to start on Google chat, then Skype and before I knew it I was in the midst of an emotional affair. He was also married and has kids, I wasn't aware of this immediately- he told me he was divorced. He was pretty shady about many things, and I had a bad gut feeling about him, but he also talked to me in ways my husband never really had- he constantly complimented me and called me pet names, he seemed almost obsessed with me in a sexual way. My husband and I have always had a great sex life, but this other man excited me and really made me feel desirable while I was pretty lonely. I just assumed we'd be chat and flirt buddies and that would be it. Then my beloved dog passed away and I lost it. My husband started working even more, saying that being home was too hard, and I was literally on the brink of a major meltdown. Right then the other man asked me to meet him in real life. I don't exactly know what happened, but I agreed to it. I bought a plane ticket and lied to my husband saying that I needed a break with a girlfriend- I even went as far as having my husband drive me to the airport.
I agreed to meet a stranger for sex, basically. We spent five days together and I am still processing what happened. I wanted intimacy and friendship and an escape from reality...and what I got was being degraded and used by someone I didn't even know. He physically assaulted me and it has seriously messed with my mind. It became clear that he was only in it for sex, he didn't really want a friendship after. I tried to continue our chatting, but he became a totally different person. Went from nightly chats lasting up to four hours to him telling me I was 'selfish and crazy' for trying to stay in contact after. He actually became pretty mean to me so of course this confused me. Then I stumbled upon him on several dating and sex sites, all stating that he was a widower looking for love-when the truth is he is married and living in a different part of the country then he claimed. I've been putting the pieces together and realized that most of our chats were done probably while he was in bed with his wife, which kills me. I cannot accept that someone who told me how much he cared about me and promised to never hurt me could sleep with me, then turn around and almost overnight act like I was nothing. Is this just how things are in the real world? It pretty much broke my heart and I feel such a range of emotions regarding him.
Then there's my husband. He is nearly perfect. He is a workaholic, but I am 100% confident that he adores me and he has proven time and again that his love for me is unconditional. He is my best friend and I told him everything. He was angry for a minute, then immediately hugged me and told me he was sorry that I was in such a bad place.That's it for him- he never brings it up, doesn't want to discuss it. He says I have been a great wife for 18 years so a few months doesn't change his love for me. I am in therapy and we are trying to work things out, but I am stuck. I need help.
I am hung up on the other man. I can't get over the fact that he used me. It doesn't help that I get an email from him every so often. They are never really nice or anything, usually just a few sentences asking how I'm doing. I respond and usually don't hear back from him, so I have to wonder what his MO is for even writing in the first place. I do feel that he almost hypnotized me, I think I became addicted to the way he made me feel and he certainly had me thinking it was okay to behave in a way I never thought I would. I spend a great deal of time looking at his dating profiles and I'm not even quite sure why.
I love my husband so much. I am in awe that he would even want to work things out with me. But I feel nothing romantic towards him right now. I feel ashamed that I hurt him. I respect him so much and wonder what's wrong with me that I wake up thinking about the other guy. Shouldn't I be thinking of my husband? I don't love the other man, I realized that I am mourning the loss of someone I thought was a friend and turned out to be a creep, so why can't I get him out of my head? What is this control he has? And how do I fall back in love with my sweet husband? He deserves better. Please don't flame me...I have literally contemplated suicide over this, I don't want to hurt my husband any more. I don't want to think about the other guy at all again. I am lost and I don't know what to do. For those who have betrayed their spouses- is it normal to feel like this? Is it something we can overcome? I just feel dirty and embarrassed and unworthy of the amazing man I married. Will it always feel like this? And can I ever get over knowing how I jeopardized an 18 year marriage for someone who didn't even really like me and used me in a very intimate and horrible way? Do you think telling his wife would give me any closure or would it just add to my problems?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
And thanks in advance for any advice or support you can lend me.
Welcome.Since you already told your husband and if you really want to salvage your marriage,one of the first things you need to do is go completely NC with OM.You also need counseling,not only to find out the reason why you cheated but to understand why its acceptable for you to be assaulted and degraded by this OM and still wanting to go back for more.Your husband is also going to have to deal with this in a more open and extensive way.He's basically rug sweeping and maybe because he has his own issues.Hope you get the help you need.
How would you feel if your husband did to you what you did to him? You and your husband need to get tested for STD's. Do your husband a big favor and divorce him so he can fine someone else who will truly love and appreciate him instead of degrading and humiliating him and your marriage like you have done. He deserve better and you deserve less.
Welcome.Since you already told your husband and if you really want to salvage your marriage,one of the first things you need to do is go completely NC with OM.You also need counseling,not only to find out the reason why you cheated but to understand why its acceptable for you to be assaulted and degraded by this OM and still wanting to go back for more.Your husband is also going to have to deal with this in a more open and extensive way.He's basically rug sweeping and maybe because he has his own issues.Hope you get the help you need.
Thank you for your advice. I am in therapy twice a week- trying to figure out why I did what I did. And the last contact I had with the other man was me telling him not to contact me again. I have asked my husband many times to go to counseling but he will not. So all I can do is work on myself and hope he comes around eventually. We are quite a mess right now...I do appreciate your words.
How would you feel if your husband did to you what you did to him? You and your husband need to get tested for STD's. Do your husband a big favor and divorce him so he can fine someone else who will truly love and appreciate him instead of degrading and humiliating him and your marriage like you have done. He deserve better and you deserve less.
I would be devastated. We both were tested for STD's. I have an 18 year marriage that I do not want to give up on. I have been a faithful loving wife for all 18 years and had four months where I literally feel I had an emotional breakdown. I want to make it work. My husband wants to make it work. I just need a bit of help.
delete your email first. Why are you still in contact with the other guy? You are naive as you can get.
he physically assaulted you?
I didn't delete because I realized he wasn't interested in any future, so it didn't seem necessary. I was struggling in the beginning with wanting to know why but I am not interested in any future contact with him now and have told him so. I think the contact has ended, still I can't get him out of my mind. Not in a tender way- more of a 'what on earth was wrong with me' way. I accept responsibility for my behaviour but I also absolutely believe this man preyed on me and sought me out as someone to try to destroy. And yes, he physically assaulted me. HE used me for what I can only assume was some sick fantasy that he'd never act out with his wife. I literally went home bloodied and bruised.
Like I said, this is NOT my normal behavior, I almost didn't recognize myself at the time. I am trying to move on, but don't know if we are too broken.
i might have missed it, but did you tell your husband of your misdeed? that's the first thing you need to do.
if you have.....kudos for you. now you can begin the process of healing yourself, and maybe rebuild your marriage.
Yes- this was the first thing I did. Thank you for your response. I am trying to gain as much knowledge and perspective as possible. I want to make this work.
I didn't delete because I realized he wasn't interested in any future, so it didn't seem necessary. I was struggling in the beginning with wanting to know why but I am not interested in any future contact with him now and have told him so. I think the contact has ended, still I can't get him out of my mind. Not in a tender way- more of a 'what on earth was wrong with me' way. I accept responsibility for my behaviour but I also absolutely believe this man preyed on me and sought me out as someone to try to destroy. And yes, he physically assaulted me. HE used me for what I can only assume was some sick fantasy that he'd never act out with his wife. I literally went home bloodied and bruised.
Like I said, this is NOT my normal behavior, I almost didn't recognize myself at the time. I am trying to move on, but don't know if we are too broken.
What do you mean by fantasy ?? He f*cking raped you. Did he hit you too? How did you stay with him for 5 days? Have a police report filed on him. You will not get a conviction but there will be a report on him. You can save more women from him.
Does his wife know about it? Tell her immediately.
edit: you are in counselling right? Rape can be traumatic
What do you mean by fantasy ?? He f*cking raped you. Did he hit you too? How did you stay with him for 5 days? Have a police report filed on him. You will not get a conviction but there will be a report on him. You can save more women from him.
Does his wife know about it? Tell her immediately.
Okay, this is part of what I needed to know. I have felt like he violated me for sure, but I never told him 'no' so I took responsibility for that. It was quite brutal, and not enjoyable in any sense for me. Which is the reason I need to figure out WHY I did this. And why I stayed with him for five days and allowed it to continue. He was not violent while we were not having sex, but I have had a very hard time getting the sexual stuff out of my mind, it haunts me.
His wife does not know and I have flip flopped with the idea of telling her (I don't know her). One one hand, I don't want to hurt her and wonder if I just need to fix myself, but on the other hand I don't want anyone else to be hurt and he needs to stop doing what he's doing. I am a bit afraid of him, he has shown himself to be angry and he is somewhat in the public eye, at least in his community. I don't know that anyone would believe me.
And yes- in counseling twice a week. This is all very fresh so I am at the beginning but I do know I need help. And I want desperately to make it work with my husband but there is such a wedge between us right now and he does not want to speak of any of it again.
Good Luck. I am sorry you are in the place...not here on TAM but the place of "why" you are acting like this. If you are in counselling then GREAT. I bet he is in shock. I did the same with my H. Rug Sweeping. Read the newbie thread if you haven't already. It will help you to understand BOTH of your places right now.
I'm glad you sound remorseful. Your H needs to face this. Can you convince him? I rug swept and one year later it's now coming out. THAT is confusing and hurtful to my H and it would have been better for us to tackle the issues straight on.
Good Luck. I am sorry you are in the place...not here on TAM but the place of "why" you are acting like this. If you are in counselling then GREAT. I bet he is in shock. I did the same with my H. Rug Sweeping. Read the newbie thread if you haven't already. It will help you to understand BOTH of your places right now.
I'm glad you sound remorseful. Your H needs to face this. Can you convince him? I rug swept and one year later it's now coming out. THAT is confusing and hurtful to my H and it would have been better for us to tackle the issues straight on.
I am very remorseful. I have done something that I did not think I was capable of and hurt the best person I know. I am in individual counseling and want to do marriage counseling but according to my husband, he's forgiven me and just wants to bury it and move on. He knows this is not my character. Still I worry that it will come back down the road...
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