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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-18-2012, 02:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can your spouse truly love you but still cheat on you?

I'll have to fall in to support Leslie here. I never didn't love my wife - not for a second. In fact the feelings my affair created for my AP it also increased for my wife. This is why compartmentalization is such a huge part of living an affair. What I just typed makes no sense - none whatsoever - it makes no more sense to you while your in an affair than it does after your out. Since logic and reason would tell you what I just typed is pure poppy**** and if you love your wife you should quit the affair but you can't bear to do that - you compartmentalize. Put each into it's own corner of your mind and never let the two enter your consciousness at the same time again.

Sometimes we hurt those we love the most.
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Old 04-18-2012, 02:57 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can your spouse truly love you but still cheat on you?

What about if it was a drunken ONS?
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:05 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can your spouse truly love you but still cheat on you?

Yes, you can love someone AND cheat on them.

Happens all the time.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:05 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can your spouse truly love you but still cheat on you?

This is exactly what I need help with today. I asked him last night why the kids and I are worth fighting for and protecting now, when he showed utter disregard for our feelings and safety before. I asked him why he told her he loved her...he said it was just in response to her saying it and he didnt love her, but it hurts me to think he said it to another woman. How can he have loved me and say it to someone else? How can he have such disrespect for me that he had sex with prostitutes from the Phillippines, Thailand and Indonesia (where the rate of HIV is shocking). How can he love his kids and risk them losing their Mum? For me love does not kick in and out as you choose to fit your need at the time. He says he always loved me and never wanted to hurt me. He shared a year of our marriage with someone else...how do you get that back? Does he love me now because he got found out and realised what he had to lose??? You cannot tell me that he did not consider us for one minute before...or am I wrong? I told him that love does not hurt. I told him that I was all the things he says I am now, but it still didnt stop him. I am so sad.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:08 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can your spouse truly love you but still cheat on you?

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I think the answer is No. I think somewhere along the line the WS falls out of love with the bs and allows themselves to move forward. Otherwise, the A would never have BEGAN. It wouldnt have gotten far enough for the fog to begin. They would have walked away when that first pang happened. Yes they are human. Attraction happens. But IF my H was IN love w/me AT the time SHE would not have happened. JMO.

However, I do believe he can love you/me again if he learns who he is again.(if you/i are able to allow it)
Well the reason i say this is b/c I have been attracted to someone before(yes my H knows). As soon as that pang happened I put the brakes on right NOW!!!!! I knew I loved my H and NOTHING was worth risking losing him. So thats why I say attraction happens but affairs dont have to.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:20 PM   #21 (permalink)
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You cannot tell me that he did not consider us for one minute before...or am I wrong?
I can tell you exactly this. Affairs are perfectly selfish. Quite literally it wasn't about you - you were not a part of it - had nothing to do with it. When you're in your affair compartment - that's all there is - your real life/reality compartment is not a factor. He likely considered you AFTER, when he left the affair compartment and returned to the real world, but that's not enough to keep him from going back. The allure of the affair compartment - of being totally selfish - is very strong.

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Well the reason i say this is b/c I have been attracted to someone before(yes my H knows). As soon as that pang happened I put the brakes on right NOW!!!!! I knew I loved my H and NOTHING was worth risking losing him. So thats why I say attraction happens but affairs dont have to.
No affairs don't have to happen and they shouldn't. People get weak, people get stupid, people make bad choices. That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love their spouse or that they set out to hurt them.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:34 PM   #22 (permalink)
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This is exactly what I need help with today. I asked him last night why the kids and I are worth fighting for and protecting now, when he showed utter disregard for our feelings and safety before. I asked him why he told her he loved her...he said it was just in response to her saying it and he didnt love her, but it hurts me to think he said it to another woman. How can he have loved me and say it to someone else? How can he have such disrespect for me that he had sex with prostitutes from the Phillippines, Thailand and Indonesia (where the rate of HIV is shocking). How can he love his kids and risk them losing their Mum? For me love does not kick in and out as you choose to fit your need at the time. He says he always loved me and never wanted to hurt me. He shared a year of our marriage with someone else...how do you get that back? Does he love me now because he got found out and realised what he had to lose??? You cannot tell me that he did not consider us for one minute before...or am I wrong? I told him that love does not hurt. I told him that I was all the things he says I am now, but it still didnt stop him. I am so sad.
As I just said to my H....utter disregard.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:40 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Do you mean my husband having utter disregard or yours?
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:40 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I can tell you exactly this. Affairs are perfectly selfish. Quite literally it wasn't about you - you were not a part of it - had nothing to do with it. When you're in your affair compartment - that's all there is - your real life/reality compartment is not a factor. He likely considered you AFTER, when he left the affair compartment and returned to the real world, but that's not enough to keep him from going back. The allure of the affair compartment - of being totally selfish - is very strong.



No affairs don't have to happen and they shouldn't. People get weak, people get stupid, people make bad choices. That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love their spouse or that they set out to hurt them.
Sig, agree to disagree...m H had a long time to know what he was doing.Spent a long time telling alot of lies. Now, lets hope the fog has worn off for mine and OP's H and they have come to their senses.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:44 PM   #25 (permalink)
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This is exactly what I need help with today. I asked him last night why the kids and I are worth fighting for and protecting now, when he showed utter disregard for our feelings and safety before. I asked him why he told her he loved her...he said it was just in response to her saying it and he didnt love her, but it hurts me to think he said it to another woman. How can he have loved me and say it to someone else? How can he have such disrespect for me that he had sex with prostitutes from the Phillippines, Thailand and Indonesia (where the rate of HIV is shocking). How can he love his kids and risk them losing their Mum? For me love does not kick in and out as you choose to fit your need at the time. He says he always loved me and never wanted to hurt me. He shared a year of our marriage with someone else...how do you get that back? Does he love me now because he got found out and realised what he had to lose??? You cannot tell me that he did not consider us for one minute before...or am I wrong? I told him that love does not hurt. I told him that I was all the things he says I am now, but it still didnt stop him. I am so sad.
The reason you are sad is that you are faced with the very tough choice that every spouse in R has to make.

You can either move forward and recommit to marriage with a person who cheated, lied, and risked the well being of innocent people. You will never entirely trust them--or trust them in the way you did before--again.

Or, you decide that you cannot live life that way. That no matter how much you care for this person, that the core of a marriage is trust, and that you cannot recover it because THEY destroyed it in you.

Another thing you must take a hard look at is that your husband qualifies as a serial cheater (having betrayed you with multiple people) and he also, if I understand correctly, entered into two different types of betrayals--anonymous sex with prostitutes, as well as a longer-term relationship with (at least from her side) an emotional component.

Are you in counseling (for yourself) and for your marriage? What do the counselors make of this? I highly recommend you seek specialized counseling, with someone who is trained in addictive / escapist / infidelity behaviors. While healthy 'normal' people can have an affair, and compartmentalize their love for the spouse and their infatuation with the AP, other people have serious personality disorders that cross the line into such profound selfishness as to be in their own special category. Knowing whether your spouse falls into one or the other box can give you better knowledge on whether / how to proceed.

But in the end, YOU are the one who has to decide whether you can live with this person, and whether they are a healthy living example for your children. Your kids should not see you in a marriage with someone who has massive disrespect for other human beings--it teaches them that this is who they should have as a life partner, and surely that is the last thing you would want for them. No one has a crystal ball to say whether your husband has moved past this terrible stage in life, or whether he is simply incapable of pulling it back together and becoming an adult.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:44 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Do you mean my husband having utter disregard or yours?
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well I can only speak for what I believe of mine.He made a choice over and over to lie to me, to deceive me to choose her over me. That being said, I do believe he is repentent. Now I have to decide if thats enough. Only you can decide for yours.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:48 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I can tell you exactly this. Affairs are perfectly selfish. Quite literally it wasn't about you - you were not a part of it - had nothing to do with it. When you're in your affair compartment - that's all there is - your real life/reality compartment is not a factor. He likely considered you AFTER, when he left the affair compartment and returned to the real world, but that's not enough to keep him from going back. The allure of the affair compartment - of being totally selfish - is very strong.



No affairs don't have to happen and they shouldn't. People get weak, people get stupid, people make bad choices. That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love their spouse or that they set out to hurt them.
Big dumb me...I was attracted to(and he to me) a rich, powerful and very good looking man and I turned him down for my H(And I dont regret it). Now my H is very good looking but rich...not so much. Makes me feel like Carol Burnet who passed up Elvis Presley when she was married only to find that her H had been unfaithful. FML
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:52 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Ya, and no condom used with the stranger...
I believe the BJ story from my WS about as far as I can throw him.
Who has sex with a complete stranger with no condom and then come back home and have sex with your wife?!? DISGUSTING and MEAN.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:04 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Big dumb me...I was attracted to(and he to me) a rich, powerful and very good looking man and I turned him down for my H. Now my H is very good looking but rich...not so much. Makes me feel like Carol Burnet who passed up Elvis Presley when she was married only to find that her H had been unfaithful. FML
And you were a bigger and better person when you did that than your H was when he failed to do so. Both in and of themselves don't make either of you perfect or evil, but you do have the enviable and deserved position of the moral high ground

The volume and audacity of the lies and the duration certainly do make a difference. Any affair is a lie of omission so I can't say I didn't lie, but I only lied to my wife's face one time. My affair was less than 8 weeks start to finish and it was literally killing me. I was drinking like a fish and taking ambien like they were tic tacs. I only got caught because I let myself - I wanted out - ultimately because I hated what I was doing to my wife.

So yes there are certainly degrees - every circumstance is unique and different. To the OP's question - is it possible? In my experience yes, but the complete opposite is totally possible to - maybe even more likely.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:11 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I think the answer is No. I think somewhere along the line the WS falls out of love with the bs and allows themselves to move forward. Otherwise, the A would never have BEGAN. It wouldnt have gotten far enough for the fog to begin. They would have walked away when that first pang happened. Yes they are human. Attraction happens. But IF my H was IN love w/me AT the time SHE would not have happened. JMO.

However, I do believe he can love you/me again if he learns who he is again.(if you/i are able to allow it)

What we're talking about are 2 different types of love here. There is the immature infatuation (dopamine) and the mature love (oxytocin), which comes from building a life together through the years.

Most affairs are the dopamine, infatuation types and by many professionals is likened to an addiction. The WS spouse is, in fact, addicted which is why it takes weeks to months for the effects and the resulting withdrawals to subside.

So, I would disagree... you can dopamine your AP while you still oxytocin your spouse.
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