The more time goes by from d-day the harder a time I'm having with sex. Seems I'm having more and more issues. Has anyone else had this problem? I have the sex drive, but the images and doubts destroy the mood and I end up crying after. I feel cheap for having sex with my WS. Like why would I even do this...
Is it better to just stop and risk losing it or push through it in hopes it will bring back some kind of bond? I dunno... I thought we had a bond before and now that specialness is gone.
Hurtingbadly - I know this is difficult for you. I did go through something similar and it was definitely a struggle to get past it.
The way I dealt with it was sheer stubbornness on my part. I realized that our sex life was going to take some time to return and the sex life we were working to rebuild might end up being different than it was before the affair. Because the affair changed the marriage, it made sense that the sex would probably change, too.
I was patient with myself and had that discussion with my H. He had to agree that he had to give me some time and understanding because of what he had done. He did agree and he was very patient with me. If your spouse can't understand this, you may need to back track and do some remedial work on your R.
But the biggest thing I did was to make a deal with myself that I wouldn't allow a low-life, gutter *****, attempted home-wrecker to take something as wonderful as sex with my H from me. I kept reminding myself every chance I got that my H was sincere and checked back in.
If I found that I was playing scenes from his affair in my mind, I'd immediately replace it with some happy scene from our life. I focused on making new memories - similar to what In The Wind suggested.
It didn't happen overnight, but I just didn't allow myself to give in. Remember that someone else can't take something like a good and happy sex life from you if you won't allow it.
personally I had to push thru the first 4-5 times and then it started to get better. Now it still comes into my mind once in a while during but I just try to do something to take my mind off it and it usually works. Good luck. I know how you feel.
personally I had to push thru the first 4-5 times and then it started to get better. Now it still comes into my mind once in a while during but I just try to do something to take my mind off it and it usually works. Good luck. I know how you feel.
Me, too. It's a choice to try to make the marriage work and it's a choice to rebuild your sex life. None of it's easy, but it's still a conscious thing you have to figure out how to do it.
I agree with canttrustyou that you have to think of somethin else. However, I think what you are suffering from is a lack of forgiveness, too much hate/bitterness and that is strangling you. That is why I have always said that talking is the key. It is the key that unlocks all and brings you closer. You HAVE to understand why he had the affair to be able to move on. Talking is the only way through. Closer feelings brings the sex alive also. Talking and becoming closer strengthens the bond, and then the bond of sex follows. Talking, loving, sex, the mind movies will fade. Talking, UNDERSTANDING is the key. Your bitterness and anger are coming out sideways in your behaviour. Talk!
He's patient with the sex. He hasn't been pushing it on me. I actually think I need him starting it first, though cause I feel cheap when I make the first move, like I'm degrading myself by having sex with him after he cheated on me. He now waits for me to make the move. I need to feel he wants me. He didn't take sex as something special between us. He was willing to be with a stranger. So I have this twisted view on sex now. It's not something secret between us. I worry he did this or that with her when we are doing things. I worry how I look - I was a 32 year old mom at the time that had two c-sections and nursed two babies, she was early 20s and a model they had used for the business trip. It's humiliating. I'm now 40 years old, all this time he had been with some young girl... We had the hysterical bonding thing at first, but I think I was in shock. Over time sex has become more difficult for me. It's hard to talk to him right now cause he's so depressed.
Lorazepam(Ativan) as many other benzodiazepines can mute your sex drive, as that type of medication primarily works by slowing down your neural activity. You mention you feel vulnerable and insecure, and that your H is depressed. Are you seeing a counselor? Is he? Are you guys in MC? Have you told the prescribing physician about this issue? Certain SSRIs, like sertraline (zoloft) can help when it comes to feeling confidant as well as letting go of things a bit quicker.
Have you told your H that you need him to initiate sex so you feel wanted? You mention that he did not take sex as something special between you two, has he said this to you, or is this an assumption you made because he cheated?
Others have mentioned communication, are you openly talking to him about these issues?
As far as comparing yourself to the OW goes, its a waste of time, she could have been an ugly skank, the point is she was just a forbidden fruit skank, and thats all that really mattered to your H when he was having his A.
If you really want to give the R a shot, break down the walls, let some light in, and talk till your lips are chapped. He cant read your mind, and wont be able to help you with problems you dont voice to him.
Oh, and tell him to go see a psychiatrist for his depression, especially because his mood is making things harder for you.
My H's AP is younger than two of my daughters, and when she enters a room all eyes are on her, even the women's. It makes getting beyond H's A very difficult for me. It makes me feel that he cared more about sexiness and good looks than about our marriage; and that he was willing to risk a D to get it on with "that kind of woman"( he has a propensity for sticking his foot in his mouth too). We have gotten farther apart as the realization of what all this meant has dawned on me. He is a bit panicky about where this is going, I don't know that myself, but sometimes it is just the natural consequences of cake eating to lose it all. He hasn't told me a thing that makes me think that this relationship is something I should cherish as I once did. They always seem to think that they won't get caught and if they do they will be able to limit the damage.
I totally feel this way. That a stranger's looks and age were more important than our marriage and family. How do you cheat on your wife after so many years?!? I suddenly feel like he places more importance on sex than he does his own family. And I never saw him before in that way.
Lorazepam(Ativan) as many other benzodiazepines can mute your sex drive, as that type of medication primarily works by slowing down your neural activity. You mention you feel vulnerable and insecure, and that your H is depressed. Are you seeing a counselor? Is he? Are you guys in MC? Have you told the prescribing physician about this issue? Certain SSRIs, like sertraline (zoloft) can help when it comes to feeling confidant as well as letting go of things a bit quicker.
Have you told your H that you need him to initiate sex so you feel wanted? You mention that he did not take sex as something special between you two, has he said this to you, or is this an assumption you made because he cheated?
Others have mentioned communication, are you openly talking to him about these issues?
As far as comparing yourself to the OW goes, its a waste of time, she could have been an ugly skank, the point is she was just a forbidden fruit skank, and thats all that really mattered to your H when he was having his A.
If you really want to give the R a shot, break down the walls, let some light in, and talk till your lips are chapped. He cant read your mind, and wont be able to help you with problems you dont voice to him.
Oh, and tell him to go see a psychiatrist for his depression, especially because his mood is making things harder for you.
I have the sex drive, the Ativan isn't messing with that. It's the mental images and doubts during sex that are making it very difficult for me. He's actually on Zoloft right now, but it is still very hard to talk to him.
It is my assumption that sex is no longer special between us. He broke that bond and it is no longer unique in our marriage. He let another person enter into that equation, so our seventeen years together are no longer pure. He never said that to me, it's my feelings. I told him I felt cheap for initiating sex, like I was degrading myself since he hurt me so badly. He says the sex with her was cheap, not the sex we have together.
...It's the mental images and doubts during sex that are making it very difficult for me.
I know you mentioned that weight gain was a concern for you, but there are medications that can help with that side effect, and particular SSRIs that do not usually cause weight gain. Some of the advice above is good, replacing the mental images with positive ones. That is a technique from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) you may find it useful to pick up a book on it, and do some of the exercises. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
He's actually on Zoloft right now, but it is still very hard to talk to him.
It takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to make an impact, and sometimes dosages need to be adjusted several times before a good one is found.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
It is my assumption that sex is no longer special between us. He broke that bond and it is no longer unique in our marriage. He let another person enter into that equation, so our seventeen years together are no longer pure. He never said that to me, it's my feelings.
Did you, or him have sexual partners prior to getting married? Or were you each others first?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
I told him I felt cheap for initiating sex, like I was degrading myself since he hurt me so badly. He says the sex with her was cheap, not the sex we have together.
Its good that you let him know how you feel, its important he understand that. However, telling him how you feel, is different from telling him what you want. So it may be useful to re-frame that statement into a request.
"I want you to initiate the sex more often, it makes me feel wanted."
Nothing negative in that statement, he may have an easier time hearing it put that way, and may actually be more able to do what you want and need him to do to make you feel better.
I know you mentioned that weight gain was a concern for you, but there are medications that can help with that side effect, and particular SSRIs that do not usually cause weight gain. Some of the advice above is good, replacing the mental images with positive ones. That is a technique from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) you may find it useful to pick up a book on it, and do some of the exercises. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel.
It takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to make an impact, and sometimes dosages need to be adjusted several times before a good one is found.
Did you, or him have sexual partners prior to getting married? Or were you each others first?
Its good that you let him know how you feel, its important he understand that. However, telling him how you feel, is different from telling him what you want. So it may be useful to re-frame that statement into a request.
"I want you to initiate the sex more often, it makes me feel wanted."
Nothing negative in that statement, he may have an easier time hearing it put that way, and may actually be more able to do what you want and need him to do to make you feel better.
Thanks Paladin. You last comment makes alot of sense.
I had more partners than him prior to our marriage, this seems to cause him issues. We married young. I just considered our sex life as something special and just between us. It is no longer that way.
Actions do speak louder than words. My H is having problems in the word dept too. The rationalizations continue, as the distance grows. I am now informed that I was too intimidating to talk to, but she was so nice that she made him feel comfortable while he whined to her about our marriage. We had been together nearly 20 years when he found the newer model. These things are very hard to mend, I wish you luck.
I don't know if they're mendable. At some point I guess I have to start over, with him or without. But, the marriage we had is dead and gone. He destroyed all my happy memories.
Anyone else bothered by the secret service thing? I cringe every time it comes on the TV.
9Likes
Sex seems to be getting more difficult... 
