chaos

What makes you think that if she ends her affair and commits to R, that you won't be filled with extreme resentment towards her?

__________________
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

desperateguy

That's my issue to deal with. If I can't deal with it, then I need to move on. But plenty of people here have successful post-affair marriages.

Entropy3000

Then work on yourself and cut her out of your life. Rather than doing what she is doing prepare yourself for a better life and a better woman.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Paladin

Who she is when she is 90, will not be desperateguy, who even when told by her directly that she is not interested in him, only wants to stick his head in the sand and attempt to rationalize her dysfunctional behavior as her "being emotional," further stripping her actions of their agency and marginalizing what she is doing.

@desperate: Why were you the one that moved out? Have you consulted with an attorney? Are you two 50/50 on the deed? Is she using community money to pay for membership on the site?

Please look up the threads about "The Fog" and what it sometimes takes for people to come out of it.

desperateguy

This is a genuine question. I'm trying not to be defensive.

I am surprised by the reactions I'm getting here. This is a forum for coping with infidelity. We've all seen many people, often in their sigs, of people who have had an affair and reunited successfully. In general, those people who get through it have a better marriage than most.

So I honestly don't get it. Why are most people telling me to move on? I understand there's a time and place to move on, but none of those people who survived from an affair did it easily - they all went against the odds, put themselves out, risked their emotions, etc.

unbelievable

Because you aren't talking to the doctors. You're asking the wounded patients for advise.

warlock07

And you are a doctor?

@desperateguy Let me ask you this. Why do you want to be with someone who does not care/respect about you? One way of coping with infidelity is moving on. You need to respect yourself first before moving on.

desperateguy

Because I believe it's only temporary. Call it an affair fog.

warlock07

By that logic, she can go have multiple affairs through out the marriage separating every time. yes, it(fog) might be temporary but read the stories of men over here that did that and were absolutely devastated in the end. Moving on is protecting yourself emotionally.

desperateguy

Do I REALLY need to point out the flaws in this argument? Come on, I thought people on this forum were a little smarter than that.

Paladin

Look, you've been on this site for how long now? Some of the people taking time out of their lives to post in this thread have been here a long time. In the vast majority of the cases either the LS (loyal spouse) or the DS (disloyal spouse) are in a "fog" it takes drastic action to wake someone up.

No one is telling you to take this advice as gospel, you said you two separated so you could "work on yourselves" so I'm assuming you are seeing a counselor. Print up some of this stuff and run it by your IC (individual counselor)

I would also like you to post links and quotes that support your statement that the cases where R works and a new post affair relationship emerges, someone has to "put themselves out risk their emotions" I think if you really take a close read of the success stories, you will find that hard choices, and difficult action had to be taken to get things moving in the right direction. To have a Post Affair relationship, there has to be a post... meaning if she is still f*cking other men, no matter how hard you love her, there is no chance for R.

I saw someone on this site say "you cant nudge your DS out of the fog, you gotta hit em with a log" or something along those lines. The longer you tolerate your DS's dysfunctional behavior while she is living in your marital home and using community money to fund her new addiction, the less respect she will have for you, further degrading your chances for R (which she said she is not interested in) So you can continue to "not be defensive" by being defensive, or take some of this advice, bounce it off a professional, and come back and tell us what you chose to do.

You wanted to play devils advocate earlier in this thread, well how bout this:

your DS is desperately trying to get your attention, to recognize her actions as something more than her "being emotional" deep down inside she doesnt want to debase herself and piss all over her vows to you, but she doesnt think you are strong enough to hep her. Enabling her in any way, reenforces her fear. Acting, doing the hard thing, the thing that shows her you are capable of showing strength, is the only thing that has a chance at giving her the courage to admit that she f*cked up and reach out to you for help. She knows that it will take someone strong to help her, she does not see you as that someone right now.

warlock07

Good luck

Paladin

It really seems to me that you are looking for responses that fit what you want to hear. Just reply to your own questions with the appropriate answers and I'll copy and paste them in this thread.

desperateguy

Thanks, I found this useful.

I can see your point and am taking it on board. Sometimes being strong is right, sometimes being gentle is right, and frankly I have no idea which this is. But gentle hasn't worked.

Yes, I'm seeing an individual counselor, and having some good success with that.

desperateguy

Well let's see. If what he said is true, then NO couple would EVER recover from an affair. I'm interested in alternative views, but not ones that fail a basic test of logic.