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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-19-2012, 07:12 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

My H and I are separating for a month and a 1/2. It's only been 2 weeks since dday and I'm finding it very hard to stay focused on him. I don't have a wandering eye, but that dopamine rush is sorely missed. I think your wife is craving some form of validation, physical touch being a big one of those. I'm pretty depressed right now, fighting for a relationship with a person that at this stage still resents me. Every conversation focuses on my deficiencies and flaws...but these are necessary. I would do anything to just hold the guy's hand, but he won't let me touch him. I think he may have said one pleasant thing to me since dday and it was regarding our dog. So I can understand how she would be tempted to look elsewhere for validation and physical touch, but even to me, 24 hours is waaaay too fast!

I think I can understand her thinking, but she is going about everything all wrong. Is she in therapy as well? Does she even want to R?

Last edited by LeslieH; 04-19-2012 at 07:13 AM. Reason: too for to
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Old 04-19-2012, 08:54 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

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Originally Posted by desperateguy View Post
Because I believe it's only temporary. Call it an affair fog.
What you describe is someone who willingly sought men on dating sights. She was not in a fog then. This is not a friendship that got too close. She was seeking intimacy and sex with other men before any dopamine kicked in.

That is the difference. She willfully sought out to be unfaithful and cheat within hours of leaving you. Which means it was planned.

Kinda the difference between man slaughter and premeditated murder. There is a difference of intent.

It sounds as much like she could not wait to 1) begin her life and 2) hurt you.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:01 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

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Well let's see. If what he said is true, then NO couple would EVER recover from an affair. I'm interested in alternative views, but not ones that fail a basic test of logic.
It was not logical for you to move out and enable this activity. So there has already been a FAIL of logic. This was a huge mistake. So far your logic has you in a situation where your wife is dating and having sex with other men. You seem to want to press an agenda instead of get advice on how to cope. Coping does not mean putting up with an affair. It is how to deal with it. She left you. Folks are trying to help you cope with this. Sometimes coping does involve reconsiliation.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:06 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

I know you think I'm delusional. I just absolutely 100% refuse to believe it was planned. *I* initiated the separation.

I'm not saying that lack of planning excuses her behavior, it doesn't. If it was "planned" it was no more than a few days in advance.

It was a reaction to emotions, to neglect, to feeling empty. A very inappropriate reaction. I know for sure it wasn't planned. Some close friends of hers who don't approve of her behavior have passed me information, shown me emails, etc. I never believed it was planned, and the stuff they showed me confirms that even more.

She wasn't dopamine or an affair fog. She was after validation (something I did badly in the last few years). She wanted to feel desirable, to feel valued by a man. She had become to doubt herself as a woman and wanted to feel that way. I think at some level we all, guys and girls, can relate to that feeling - we want to be wanted. We mostly don't choose such an inappropriate reaction, but most/all of us have had those feelings.

But you are welcome to believe what you want.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:10 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

I feel that its hard to work on a marriage if you are separted thats kinda like a hall pass in a way jmo
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:14 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

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It was not logical for you to move out and enable this activity. So there has already been a FAIL of logic. This was a huge mistake. So far your logic has you in a situation where you wife is dating and having sex with other men. You seem to want to press an agenda instead of get advice on how to cope. Coping does not mean putting up with an affair. It is how to deal with it. She left you.
Again, not reading my posts. I left her. She started this AFTER I moved out. We had an agreement pre-separation, negotiated with a counsellor we both trusted. She threw out that agreement post-separation.

I have spent most of the night planning a more drastic approach to pop her bubble. To confront her. So I have listened to the advice. Again, I've said this.

I guess it's your choice to attack someone while they are at their lowest point in their life. It could be that your meaning is 100% right. But regardless of how right or not you are, very few people in the world are going to respond well to the tone you are taking. But if attacking people at their lowest makes you happy, I'm here for you. Go for it!
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:14 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

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Originally Posted by desperateguy View Post
I know you think I'm delusional. I just absolutely 100% refuse to believe it was planned. *I* initiated the separation.

I'm not saying that lack of planning excuses her behavior, it doesn't. If it was "planned" it was no more than a few days in advance.

It was a reaction to emotions, to neglect, to feeling empty. A very inappropriate reaction. I know for sure it wasn't planned. Some close friends of hers who don't approve of her behavior have passed me information, shown me emails, etc. I never believed it was planned, and the stuff they showed me confirms that even more.

She wasn't dopamine or an affair fog. She was after validation (something I did badly in the last few years). She wanted to feel desirable, to feel valued by a man. She had become to doubt herself as a woman and wanted to feel that way. I think at some level we all, guys and girls, can relate to that feeling - we want to be wanted. We mostly don't choose such an inappropriate reaction, but most/all of us have had those feelings.

But you are welcome to believe what you want.
By definition a deluded person does not beleive they are delusional. You also refuse to believe ... that is denial.

But again it does not matter. You know she was on dating sites within 24 hours. You know she wants to have sex with mutlitple guys. You know she already has a boyfriend. Let her go.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:17 AM   #53 (permalink)
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By definition a deluded person does not beleive they are delusional. You also refuse to believe ... that id denial.
You would have fit in well at the witch hunts at Salem!

She denies she's a witch? She must be a witch!

Nice to see you are also attacking someone at the lowest point in their life. I'm open to new ideas, but presenting them as an attack is, in my experience, generally not the best communication tactic.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:20 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

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Again, not reading my posts. I left her. She started this AFTER I moved out. We had an agreement pre-separation, negotiated with a counsellor we both trusted. She threw out that agreement post-separation.

I have spent most of the night planning a more drastic approach to pop her bubble. To confront her. So I have listened to the advice. Again, I've said this.

I guess it's your choice to attack someone while they are at their lowest point in their life. It could be that your meaning is 100% right. But regardless of how right or not you are, very few people in the world are going to respond well to the tone you are taking. But if attacking people at their lowest makes you happy, I'm here for you. Go for it!
I read your posts. I know you left. That was the huge mistake I am referring to. Not logical at all.

It's called tough love buddy. No one is attacking you.

Realize that you are in a fog.

I have no joy in your troubles. We are trying to reach you.

You are in a very tough situation. You helped enable it. Sorry you listened to that counselor. Counseling is not always about saving a marriage. Sometimes it is about helping folks go their separate ways.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:23 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by desperateguy View Post
You would have fit in well at the witch hunts at Salem!

She denies she's a witch? She must be a witch!

Nice to see you are also attacking someone at the lowest point in their life. I'm open to new ideas, but presenting them as an attack is, in my experience, generally not the best communication tactic.
Not attacking you. But since you wish to argue I will not waste my time on you any longer.

Sincerely good luck.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:24 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

Did you just want to be coddled, OP?
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:26 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

I appreciate your help. But I'm finding it hard to see

"By definition a deluded person does not beleive they are delusional. You also refuse to believe ... that id denial. " as anything other than a self fulfilling statement.

Again, you didn't read. I didn't listen to the counsellor. WE approached the counsellor to help us negotiate the way we could have a successful trial separation.
"We had an agreement pre-separation, negotiated with a counsellor we both trusted. "

So my wife and I had an agreement. I left on the basis of that. Maybe I screwed up leaving, I'm open to that, but that is done, too late to change that, so I'm looking at what I can do now.

The reason we separated is we had been in a rut so long, we basically were blind to our own problems, but we could see we were(if that makes sense? twisted logic) and so needed the space.

Again, maybe that was a stupid idea. I don't know. It was a desperation measure, and clearly has backfired.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:26 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it an affair during separation?

Yes, there must be something we're missing.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:26 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Not attacking you. But since you wish to argue I will not waste my time on you any longer.

Sincerely good luck.
Best post you've made so far
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:33 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Did you just want to be coddled, OP?
No. Again, for the.... fourth time...? I'm taking the advice on board.

But this IS tough advice. It's against most peoples natural instincts - or at least mine. So I am after help exploring it, but finding it very hard when I feel am being attacked.

So maybe I'm not picking up the concepts instantly, they are hard concepts to pick up!
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