My wife and I separated 3 months ago. We agreed to work on ourselves while separated and work toward reconciliation. The plan was a few weeks silence, then getting together once a week and seeing how things went from there.
I found out that 24 hours after I moved out, she registered on a dating site and was actively using it.
When I confronted her with that she told me she wanted to date people but not sleep with them. Then a few weeks later she told me she wanted to sleep with some guys. I'm pretty sure she's done that (I can get proof if needed), and likely has a boyfriend.
We have had virtually no contact since separation, except around kids and basic logistical stuff. She has made it clear she now has no interest in reconciliation.
I don't believe she set me up, her actions are in response to her extreme emotional reaction.
Given we were separated, albeit for 24 hours, at the time she started dating, does this count as an affair? Is exposure an appropriate tactic? Many people would say "you are separated, you can do what you want".
Bear in mind, she is active in church (not the same church I go to) and virtually all her friends are as well.
It was her plan all along but didn't want to hurt your feelings at the time of separation.
My husband and I separated under similar terms. work on ourselves and check in once a week. Neither of us dated or anything.
if we had, that would have been the end.
Separation is not an "eff all" situation unless agreed on by both parties. in my eyes, separation is not single. You are still married and this will forever stain your marriage.
You cannot reconcile when one person is boffing other people.
I still maintain it wasn't planned. But we might have to disagree on that. She is a very emotional person, and the move out caused her to crack. She had said to trusted friends a few weeks before the separation that she really didn't want a divorce.
I think it's time to stop trying to work on the marriage. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. How can you work on the marriage if she's effin other men?
Tell her she's changed the rules and now you will see what you have to do.
I found out that 24 hours after I moved out, she registered on a dating site and was actively using it.
... she wanted to date people but not sleep with them... she wanted to sleep with some guys.(I can get proof if needed),
She has made it clear she now has no interest in reconciliation.
I'm not sure how registering on a dating site could be seen as "working on herself." After telling you she wanted to "just date" she started f*cking other men and then made it clear to you that she was done. Last time I checked, separation was not divorce so she is still your wife, and is having an affair (multiple affairs probably)
Consult with an attorney, sooner than later, and file for D. Protect your assets, look up "Just let them go" here in CWI (someone will be kind enough to post a link, I'm sure)
It sucks that she couldnt just tell you up front that she was done with you, and had to debase herself like that. Unless she did, and you just didnt hear it. Anyhow, it is not a nice place to be, but for R to work, two people have to want it. She does not, maybe facing the reality of what she is doing when she sees the papers will help her along, if not her, than you.
Good Luck, I'm sorry you are in this situation, it will get better.
Not sure what difference it makes whether you call this "cheating" or a peanut butter sandwich. Either she is working to heal the marriage or she's working to destroy it. Her conduct is something you are prepared to tolerate or it's not. Those would seem to be the only two relevant questions.
I take your point all. Let me play devil's advocate.
We've all seen cases - many cases - of people running off with an affair or whatever, and then after a few months having a change of heart. I'm not going to throw away 18 years and the future of our 2 kids that easily.
And, I'm in Australia. No divorce till 12 months separation.
It seems to make sense that a woman who has decided to leave her marriage for another man wouldn't be likely to register for a dating site. Such a woman would already have another relationship. You have 18 years and a couple kids invested. You can't stop her from window shopping. Odds are, what she's going to discover is that what she had at home beats the losers she's likely to find on-line. Work on yourself and have faith. She has just as much invested in this marriage as you.
It seems to make sense that a woman who has decided to leave her marriage for another man wouldn't be likely to register for a dating site. Such a woman would already have another relationship. You have 18 years and a couple kids invested. You can't stop her from window shopping. Odds are, what she's going to discover is that what she had at home beats the losers she's likely to find on-line. Work on yourself and have faith. She has just as much invested in this marriage as you.
I agree. I know for sure she didn't have a boyfriend when we separated, or a particular one in mind.
The problem is, she is so emotional, has so much anger over stuff that happened during the marriage (nothing extreme, no beatings, just the usual stuff most people mess up, emotional neglect, etc etc) that she is irrational.
I am working on myself, a lot, making great progress.
I really honestly believe it wasn't her plan. Call me delusional, but I don't think so, I know her, and I also know of stuff she said to others.
Regardless, it is what it is.
Is exposure a legitimate tactic? People will be less sympathetic - "she is separated, she can do what she wants".
24 hours. It was her plan. She decided she was single. But that does not matter. It is what it is. Your choice to make it permanent. Divorce her and move on. She could not wait to become isolated so she could do this. At the very least she wanted a break from being married to explore and play with other men. How fun for her. If you are ok with this then go for it. We all have different boundaries.
I do not believe in separations. This must be the fifth thread about wives who are separating and register on dating sites just this past week. Wow the recruiting for these sites must be really up huh?
Anyway ... separation ... bad idea for most. But you are supposed to be married so no dating other people and especially banging them is frowned upon. YMMV. You are her backup plan.
Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. She was on dating sites in less than 24 hours. Wanting to date other men. Adults do not generally date each other without the expectation of having sex within so many dates. She is married and wanted to date other men. Wasted no time at all. You do the math.
She has no respect for you any more and may have done some of this out of resentement. That is cruel. If you reconsile she will hang this over your head forever as a threat that she can be gone and banging other men anytime she wants. She may just decide to come home and cake eat with these other guys on the side. Yes it is cheating.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-19-2012 at 09:43 AM.
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Is it an affair during separation? 
