Martinique78, everybody - including you - are right that your wife is a broken woman but what is sad is that she is the mother of your boys which means that her self-destructive actions will affect them negatively. Right now you've got some influence on her and if you use it to insist that she seek therapy to fix herself, at least something good can come out of this horrible ordeal. Maybe you can try to convey the following:
"You know that right now I can't make any promises to you whether we're going to make it or not but I do love you and if you love me and the boys, as you say you do, then you'll seek help to fix the issues that brought us to this point. I can't do it for you, it is something that only you can do".
No matter what you decide, R or D, you will still have to deal with her for years until your boys become men. That means you have a window of opportunity to take advantage of that can benefit everybody. And even if she doesn't seek therapy and continues on a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior, you can hold your head high and show your boys that you did all you could to help their mother. They're smart and will see which parent has their best interests at heart, you.
FYI, I'm usually one of the first to tell people to try to save a marriage, even without kids. Leaving just moves your problems to the next marriage. But you have to be honest with yourself on what her (and your) real problems are. If she's not doing real work to learn to love herself, then your marriage will NEVER be safe or good. And that is often just as bad for your kids as leaving. They will become whatever they see in their house. If you can't model good parenting and relationship skills in a house with her, then you owe it to them to divorce and show them from YOUR home with them.
Not telling you to leave, just telling you don't STAY just so the kids don't end up in broken homes.
Ok I have been in an uncontrolable rage the last few days. Nothing physical just fuming inside. The last few nights I have lashed out at her for what she has done and it's always the same story. She's sorry for what she did and she's working on making herslef better for me and for us. She said she didn't like the person she became and never wants to be that person again but I need to be willing to work with her and try to move on. I just cant seem to get past the fact that she cheated on me. Especially when she says it's because she had no self confidence and I wasn't there for her when she needed me.
Yesterday I printed out my texts between her and I during the period of the affair and on of the things I found was the day after the sexual acts occured she was talking about a long bath she just took while I was at work in the new jacuzzi tub I just installed for her and how she was feeling horny and was going to take care of herself and how she would enjoy it more if my **ck was in her mouth. I don't really see any remorse for what she did the night before. I actuall had sex with her that day twice because she and I were so horny that day. Makes me sick thinking about it. The worst thing is from that day on she was more sexually active with me more than she had been in a long time. Almost every day for two weeks.
I also found a picture message she sent me of her in her underware that turned out to be the same picture she sent the OM. I also found out from the phone records that she sent it to me and hour after she sent it to th OM.
She's telling me I need to quit digging in the past because it's only fueling my anger and I will never move on. It's probably true becaus I don't feel like I want to move on with her. Why should I become a better man for her after what she did. So she gets the man she's always wanted and all I get is a WW. If I do change and become the person she wants me to be then she can say that her cheating was the best thing that could of happened. Then if something else comes up that she wants me to fix or I go back to my old ways that she will cheat again.
I have been telling her for the last three days that i'm done and I don't want to be with her. She keeps begging me to stay and that she is on the road to a better person. She also said it sucks that she is going to become this amazing person and I won't be around to see.
I just feel like she crossed a line that there is no coming back from and I don't want to wait and see if things get better. I'm 33 years old and this happened not even five years into our marriage, what's going to happen in another five years when I'm close to 40 and this happens again. At least now I still have the option of starting over.
We are both still going to IC, she said it's doing wonders for her but for me it just makes me more angry and all the emotions come bubbling back up.
I am just so ready to go for the D and start over.
Why don't you get away by yourself for a couple of days to just think alone without her badgering you?
Remind yourself, it is ok to divorce her. She chose to give herself to the OM. She chose to use you to satisfy her sexual appetite and desire for him those days after her first hookup. Sorry, but you didn't have sex with her. She was using you without feeling or care. You were only a toy during that time.
Get away alone and at the end ask yourself if you really missed her during that time? Or could you imagine a new better partner without the history of betrayal beside you.
You wouldn't be ending the marriage, she already did that. You would be rejecting her offer to remarry her. Posted via Mobile Device
Martinique, as someone whose been in a similar place as you, let me share, for me my ex was very doubtful she wanted to R, she certainly wasn't begging but she was saying she'd give it time (I knew that just wasn't in her nature to give things time though). I didn't want her to be a "better" or "amazing" person, I just wanted her to commit to the marriage so we could have a "better relationship".
She is still dealing with the lack of (or hopefully not continuation) affair chemicals in her brain.
So I agree with AR, take some time and keep observing her through the process - if she is remorseful she will learn to be patient, and if she is not willing to suffer through the patience of letting you heal from the pain she has caused then you will know if or when you want to cut her from your life.
Good luck I know its the hardest thing in the world right now, having to choose from choices you never wanted to have to choose from.
Its only been a month since you started your thread and you need to take some time and use this time to make a balance sheet in what will be best in the long run.
make no mistake, D takes as much work as R and they both suck but you have to take some time before you make a dicision that will effect the rest of your life.
Consider all your options, and the one that sticks out in my mind is you got a chick that digs fillatio...so that should go in the "keep wife" column.
In my case I had alot more items in the "keep wife" column then I had in the "get rid of wife" column. I also read "After The affair" by Janis Springs. It gave some great perspective on the investment I made in the last 20 yrs of M and the 2 kids and all the crap I would have to split up.
I think the biggest selling point was my wifes actions after I confronted her, the second was the investments I made with my family. So make no mistake, its all about the remorse and what you are willing to forgive.
I guess in my case after years of pushing my fWW around and being forgiven for my abuse its easy for me to forgive her abuse. This may not be the case for you and it may be time to move on for you, but I just wanted to add my $0.02
Your reasoning in your previous post is all in anger. And you have every right to be angry.
What is interesting is that I detect that you still love your wife, you are terribly hurt by what she has done and you do not know what to do.....
This is quite normal. Typical at this stage where your hiead is at.
I think everyone made some good suggestions.
Get away for a few days by yourself.
Do not make any decisions towards R or D until your emotions flatten out.
Stop talking about the affair for a few days or weeks with your wife.
Keep going to counselling. Both of you.
I hope you find some peace soon. Stop driving yourself crazy about what has happened in the past. All those details are not helping you at all. They are just triggering you and making you angrier.
You already know she cheated.
She knows what she has done is wrong.
She is in IC to find out why she did what she did and avoid doing it again.
Again, it is always your choice to R or D. But it would not hurt to pullback on the digging up new info that keeps on hurting you more. That is like kicking yourself in the scrotum. I do not see where it is helping you.
I am a WS and we are reconcilling but I just want to say if you don't trust her or if you want to make her miserable and not forgive her then the only choice you have is divorce..I would not be able to stay in my marriage if I was constantly being badgered for what I did or if he didn't trust me. That is no kind of marriage I would want. Posted via Mobile Device
If she was really that promicuous in her youth, however, she is likely a bad risk. She views sex as a sport or hobby.
Interesting, I never really thought of it that way. So if you are promiscuous when you're young would you say that you are more likely to treat sex as a hobby or as a sport when you get older? Is it possible that sex can be both a hobby and a sport at the same time?
Maybe a trial seperation would be helpful for you to clear you mind and that way you have time to decide what you really want. For her sake really because if you are giving her false hope then it's gonna get worse. I wouldn"t want to be in either of your shoes. Posted via Mobile Device