Just chiming in to say, I agree with everyone saying you don't have to make a decision right this minute.
Nearly all couples in R go through the BS's anger stage where the BS rakes the WS over the coals and just can't let go. Basically, you were functioning in a state of shock and numbness before this, and now the emotions are fully hitting you. The state of shock is a natural coping mechanism that got you where you are: you did all the things you had to do to protect your family. You accomplished your short term mission--gathered intel, made sure the contact was cut off, persuaded your wife to stay and R.
Now the state of shock is wearing off. You accomplished your goal--but the truth of what she did is hitting you with maximum impact. It REALLY happened. As you sort through the facts of the past--you are lining up your old idea of reality with the truth. Everyone does this, I'm not different nor is any other BS. You look at the phone records, you look at your calendar, you compare and recollect what you thought was going on with the lies she was telling you and what was actually happening. You were taken for a fool, your complete trust in her was spat upon--it's infuriating.
This is a stage that cannot persist, and it won't. At some point your brain will process the fact that it really happened, and you are not going to wake up from the nightmare.
IMO, as others have also said, this is not a point at which to make any long-lasting choices. After the anger dissipates some, your brain will start thinking more clearly. I get that you fear that you may not recover enough to R. Do not fear that. Believe that the right choice for your family will become apparent as your mind clears and the most powerful emotions move behind you. It might be R--or it might be D.
You will always have strong emotions associated with her betrayal. They don't entirely go away. What happens is, they come out full force less and less frequently. The time between episodes lengthens more and more. But just like now is no time to quit your job, now is no time to throw in the towel. The time to make that choice is coming; you just need to reach a more contemplative stage before taking that step.
You have every right to divorce. However, you do have kids. Look at your kids, do a little research about children of divorce and children of infidelity. Also look at hte financial reppercusions. Generally a middle class family breaking up leads to a super cut in lifestyles for both partners and obviously the kids.
No, I'm also thinking of you too. But on your side you are going to deal with your wife as long as your kids are alive. You will get them one Christmas and she will get them the next Christmas. You will be cordinating with her for years and probably developing a hatred for her that you will have to live with.
In my opinion, and I heard a very good counselor reiterate this, divorce is really only good for getting even with the cheating spouse. It doesn't lessen the pain, I can tell you it never goes away completely, even after 35 years. I triggered so bad a year ago, drivng down a country lane, that it felt like it just happened a year ago.
Get to your doctor now and get some medical help. Find a counselor who is experienced in infidelity and PTSD. Be strong,save your family, be their leader. Its time for you to step up to the biggest challenge of your life............
Has your wife read with you the wayward spouse instructions?
Have you read MMSL and NMMNG?
80% of couples that divorce over infidelity regret the decision to break up their family and wish they had stayed together and worked it out.
Martinique, someone just reminded me of something.
I recollect that one of the issues you raised was that you have to work a lot, and hard, to make ends meet. And that it wasn't just the garage that your wife was complaining about, it was also that you were absent due to your jobs.
Have you discussed the issue of budgeting and maybe cutting back on work so you can be together more? Where are you on this?
80% of couples that divorce over infidelity regret the decision to break up their family and wish they had stayed together and worked it out.
Really? So it is better to stay with someone who has disrespected you, potentially exposed to STDs and put you through sheer hell? You don't love them because you can't.
Sorry. I find that stat. impossible to believe. Or it's too simplistic. Do you have a link?
Really? So it is better to stay with someone who has disrespected you, potentially exposed to STDs and put you through sheer hell? You don't love them because you can't.
Sorry. I find that stat. impossible to believe. Or it's too simplistic. Do you have a link?
If I remember correctly, your wife is a serial cheater. It's said that they can't change and divorce is the default option.
You should google infidelity statistics. It is eye opening if somewhat contradictory.
You have every right to divorce. However, you do have kids. Look at your kids, do a little research about children of divorce and children of infidelity. Also look at hte financial reppercusions. Generally a middle class family breaking up leads to a super cut in lifestyles for both partners and obviously the kids.
No, I'm also thinking of you too. But on your side you are going to deal with your wife as long as your kids are alive. You will get them one Christmas and she will get them the next Christmas. You will be cordinating with her for years and probably developing a hatred for her that you will have to live with.
In my opinion, and I heard a very good counselor reiterate this, divorce is really only good for getting even with the cheating spouse. It doesn't lessen the pain, I can tell you it never goes away completely, even after 35 years. I triggered so bad a year ago, drivng down a country lane, that it felt like it just happened a year ago.
Get to your doctor now and get some medical help. Find a counselor who is experienced in infidelity and PTSD. Be strong,save your family, be their leader. Its time for you to step up to the biggest challenge of your life............
Has your wife read with you the wayward spouse instructions?
Have you read MMSL and NMMNG?
80% of couples that divorce over infidelity regret the decision to break up their family and wish they had stayed together and worked it out.
I don't know what MMSL and NMMNG are. Can you clarify?
Quote:
Originally Posted by iheartlife
Martinique, someone just reminded me of something.
I recollect that one of the issues you raised was that you have to work a lot, and hard, to make ends meet. And that it wasn't just the garage that your wife was complaining about, it was also that you were absent due to your jobs.
Have you discussed the issue of budgeting and maybe cutting back on work so you can be together more? Where are you on this?
No it still hasn't been addressed. We are still struggling right now but she has taken the effort to start shopping more wisely for groceries. She hasn't been going out at all and going to church stuff more.
Last Saturday was my youngest boys birthday. He's two. We had a small backyard party with a few friends and I put everything aside for him that day. I had a lot of fun playing with all the kids and talking with friends. After the day was done and the boys were in bed we sat outside and talked about some things. Mostely about how I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to leave so bad but after seeing how much fun we all had that day that I knew if we were to get a divorce that things would never be like that again.
She has been reading the five languages of love and I forwarded the WS checklist from the site to her. She told me that she has been doing all the things on the list I just haven't notice in my rage. I feel she is trying to fix things but I just don't want to recognize them or I'm just numb to the whole situation.
I', still in the too little too late phase and I feel like I will never regain any respect for my wife. She told me that there will be no more sex until I can stop treating her like a piece of meat and that there is some emotion behind it. I haven't said "I love you" since I found out what happened. I use to give her a kiss every mornig before I went to work and now it's just "see you later". We still sleep in the same bed but there is always a huge gap between us. One night she scooted over and held me but I didn't know how to respond. Yesterday I kissed her and it was not the same. It's like everything I had for her is dead and I don't know how to get through what happened and start to heal.
I have been going to church every weekend and even thought about volunteering for a daddy/daughter dance they are having but I will be out of town. She has been going to bible study on wednesdays which she has never done before. I never really grew up going to church. I always felt there was someone up there looking over me but never really understood it. Now as all of this is unfolding I feel the faith that I was starting to aquire over the last five years going with my wife has vanished. I want to support my in her going back to church but I feel that I have just been let down too many times to continue to go.
When I first started to suspect things were going on I prayed and I asked for a sign that I was wrong about what I thought my wife was doing. Little did in know the sign I would receive is the one that showed me my wife was cheating. That just turned me right off of my faith. Why god...why are you putting me through this a third time and why did it have to be my wife. The other two times I was cheated on were only girlfriends and it was easy to just walk away.
I need to get away for a few days but I am so broke right now that I cant even afford the gas to go anywhere. We have her sisters wedding in two weeks and then the wedding in Lousiana the week after that. That will probably be my only chance to get away by myself and of course it's to a wedding.
Really? So it is better to stay with someone who has disrespected you, potentially exposed to STDs and put you through sheer hell? You don't love them because you can't.
Sorry. I find that stat. impossible to believe. Or it's too simplistic. Do you have a link?
I've asked the same question about you Veggie. Have you filed for divorce on your serial cheating lunatic wife?
She told me that there will be no more sex until I can stop treating her like a piece of meat and that there is some emotion behind it.
Amazing how she continues to gaslight and try to control the situation, just like she when she called you nuts and tried to convince you and everyone else that you were crazy when you first found out about her little sexcapades in the OM's truck.
I don't see real remorse here. I see an impatient, controlloing woman trying to make you sweep it all under the rug.
You are in false Reconcilliation my friend. False as it can be.
Oh, and all that churchy stuff is her rebuilding her tarnished reputation...it has nothing to do with becoming a better wife to you.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Last edited by lovelygirl; 05-21-2012 at 02:07 PM.
I had to laugh at her ludicrous "no sex until" statement to you. She may think that she's punishing you but quite the opposite, she's empowering you to continue to emotionally detach from her until one day no matter how much she pleads for you to have sex with her, you will no longer be sexually attracted to her and when that happens, the marriage will be beyond reconciliation.
When I first started to suspect things were going on I prayed and I asked for a sign that I was wrong about what I thought my wife was doing. Little did in know the sign I would receive is the one that showed me my wife was cheating. That just turned me right off of my faith. Why god...why are you putting me through this a third time and why did it have to be my wife. The other two times I was cheated on were only girlfriends and it was easy to just walk away.
Listen, I'm religious but what I'm going to say isn't to persuade you to have faith in God. That's something you have to acquire for yourself.
But if you believe God gave people free will, and that we are not puppets, then God didn't make your wife cheat, and he didn't make the girlfriends cheat, either.
What is the common denominator with 3 women cheating on you? It's you. You don't have control over whether your partner cheats on you, but you do have control over yourself.
If there is a God, he certainly answered your prayer and everyone can see it, except you. Your wife chose to selfishly cheat and she p*ssed on God when she did that just as she p*ssed on you. So now you wish that God gaslighted you just like your wife? I don't get your logic.
If I had prayed that prayer and then felt that I was immediately led to confirmation that my wife was cheating, I'd take that as a sign that God was protecting me from myself and that he was in MY corner, and not my cheating wife's.
This is not about religion. This is not about God. This is about you changing from the inside out, so that whether with your wife or some other woman, you do not allow the most important person in your life to treat you like a doormat.
Holding sex over your head like some kind of weapon during R is not R.
Speaking of which, have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG) or Married Man Sex Life (MMSL)?
From what I get from her, she is denying sex because she feels like a ***** with the way I treat her. She basically says if she wants to heal and be able to have respect for herself, she cant do that with the way I say it's not making love right now it's just sex. I haven't felt the same when we have had sex. There is no emotion involved with it right now. It's just so I can feel something again that feels good.
I'm worried that what morituri said will hold true. I will start to desire her less and less until there is nothing. I can already feel it happening. Especially now that she has stopped going to the gym. She has been gaining weight at a rapid pace while I have been getting into the best shape I have been in a long time. It hurts so bad to think that now that her affair is over that she doesn't feel the need to keep up her apperance for me. That would have been a sign to me that she was trying but now it's like I just get whats left over. A broken woman.
We have gone down this road before. We get into a huge fight over something and the other person vows to change and it lasts for a few weeks to a month and then things slowly go back to where they were. I feel like we are in the honymoon stage of her R and it will eventually go back to old habits again.
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Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
