I just want to feel those butterflies again so bad...instead of shame
Perhaps your shame has to do with you perceiving yourself as being weak because you did not kicked her to the curb after you discovered her betrayal. You are not weak! Just the opposite. You are doing your best to come out of this sh!tty ordeal in a way that will lessen the pain to others, in particular your children. That is the sign of a strong man. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Well yesterday was a bad day. On my way to meet my WW at the doctors I was stopped at a light and I happened to look over and there at the gas station was the OM putting gas in his car. My heart imediatly dropped and I felt sick. Just looking at him brought everything back full force. I noticed him look up and I know he had to see me. My truck sticks out plus he knows it pretty well. As I pulled away I could just feel that he was laughing at me.
As we were leaving the doctors she could tell something was wrong and she asked whats up. I told her that I had seen him on the way there. She asked, on purpose? I told her no I dont ever want to see him again why would I go looking you him. It's just that he lives so close it's hard not to run into him. She asked if there was anything she could do to help and I said no. Later when we got home she asked again if there was anything she could do and I told her there is nothing she could do to fix the feeling I had. I told her it felt like someone ripped my balls off. I went an changed and she was starting to make dinner and asked if I wanted to take out some anger pounding the chicked she was making I said no and that I was going to take my anger out on my truck in the garage.
After dinner and when the boys went to bed she came out to the garage and asked if I needed any help. I told her no, not because I didn't want her help but becaus I really didn't have anything for her to do. She came back out a few more times asking again but the answer was still no.
I feel that each day I'm drifting further from her and my desire to fix things is getting less. I just don't want to be around her. Looking at her is painful and all I can keep thinking is "how could you do this to someone that you say you love." I had a few friends that had cheating spouses and I always told her and myself that I was so glad that I never had to worry about something like that. She would respond with "we make a pretty good team". All I ever did was try to give my family the best life I could provide for them and I feel like she is just working aginst me.
I have my IC today and I don't even know what to talk to her about besides the fact that I just want to take my boys and never see her again.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Have you read the book Surviving An Affair? It will help you see that, while she was totally responsible, getting in an affair is sometimes a sideways trip, one that people wouldn't do if they didn't have those PEA chemicals flowing through their brains.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Are you two in MC together with someone who deals with cheating?
Because someone needs to sit your wife down an teach her about the pain and loss you are feeling. Your marriage died when she cheated, as did your trust in her. You are grieving that loss and the rage from how you had no say or control in the event.
You're wife badgering you isn't helping and when you send her away, all she is hearing is you rejecting her - not that you are in agony.
Perhaps your IC could talk to her and help her understand the emotional turmoil you are going through.
And it's something you personally must work through before you are ready to seriously engage in any possible R.
Right now I fear you are a poweder keg, while she is bouncing around clueless about what she can do.
Have you read the book Surviving An Affair? It will help you see that, while she was totally responsible, getting in an affair is sometimes a sideways trip, one that people wouldn't do if they didn't have those PEA chemicals flowing through their brains.
Not yet...everyone is suggesting some good reading I just need to get ahold of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
Also, why don't you hang out with friends who have gone through the same thing?
They could help you more than you can help yourself.
Did you friends go through D or R?
Every one of my friends went with the D.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
Are you two in MC together with someone who deals with cheating?
Because someone needs to sit your wife down an teach her about the pain and loss you are feeling. Your marriage died when she cheated, as did your trust in her. You are grieving that loss and the rage from how you had no say or control in the event.
You're wife badgering you isn't helping and when you send her away, all she is hearing is you rejecting her - not that you are in agony.
Perhaps your IC could talk to her and help her understand the emotional turmoil you are going through.
And it's something you personally must work through before you are ready to seriously engage in any possible R.
Right now I fear you are a poweder keg, while she is bouncing around clueless about what she can do.
We are both working with the same conselor but seperatly. We only had one session together to talk about the affair. She doesn't specialize in cheating but she is a christian based conselor which was important to us.
The problem is that I dont even know what to tell her she can do to help fix things. The worst part is that me turning her away means she's in the house alone and that's what started this whole mess with her cheating.
I keep thinking if I get past this enough to stay what's going to happen in the fall when we both start up classes again. Will I be checking phone records, emails, texts, tracking all the time, wondering if she's at class the entire time or out in the parking lot fooling around again? I don't want to live a life like that. Plus I go on a lot of work trips sometimes for one or two weeks. It would be so easy for her to cheat again without me knowing. Even if she didn't cheat I would still be thinking she could be.
I just don't deserve this life...this can't be my life
Go see your doctor to have him/her prescribe you some AD (anti-depressants). They won't solve your problem but they will help you get control of the overwhelming gang of emotions of anger, grief, shame and despair, so that you can emotionally detach from your wife.
Stop pressuring yourself as far as R, you may still get D once some time has passed and you reach the conclusion that it will be better for you and the kids.
Are you two in MC together with someone who deals with cheating?
Because someone needs to sit your wife down an teach her about the pain and loss you are feeling. Your marriage died when she cheated, as did your trust in her. You are grieving that loss and the rage from how you had no say or control in the event.
100% agree, this is essential I believe
Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri
Go see your doctor to have him/her prescribe you some AD (anti-depressants). They won't solve your problem but they will help you get control of the overwhelming gang of emotions of anger, grief, shame and despair, so that you can emotionally detach from your wife.
100% agree, also essential. They get you out of the bottom of the trench so you can think clearly and make good choices. Doesn't make you happy or "fix" you, just helps your brain return to a normal state so you aren't operating from pure negative emotion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
Have you read the book Surviving An Affair? It will help you see that, while she was totally responsible, getting in an affair is sometimes a sideways trip, one that people wouldn't do if they didn't have those PEA chemicals flowing through their brains.
Love this book, also Not Just Friends. I know you are having trouble affording them. See if your library carries them, and if they don't, ask for them and any other books via interlibrary loan
Go see your doctor to have him/her prescribe you some AD (anti-depressants). They won't solve your problem but they will help you get control of the overwhelming gang of emotions of anger, grief, shame and despair, so that you can emotionally detach from your wife.
Stop pressuring yourself as far as R, you may still get D once some time has passed and you reach the conclusion that it will be better for you and the kids.
I have been on AD since I first started suspecting that my wife was cheating. She's the on that said I needed to be on them for the thoughts I was having about her cheating. Only after I found everything out did the doctor up my dosage from 20mg to 40mg. I don't know if the effects of them are just wearing off but if they are helping it's not by much.
I'll check out the library for these books...I completely forgot to check there.
I'll check out the library for these books...I completely forgot to check there.
Every library can request books they don't have from neighboring libraries. It can take a while, which is a bummer, but it can be done. MMSL as a self-published book may be harder to get. You could try PMing the author, Athol, he is a member of this forum and maybe he has some ideas on how to get a copy.
I have been on AD since I first started suspecting that my wife was cheating. She's the on that said I needed to be on them for the thoughts I was having about her cheating. Only after I found everything out did the doctor up my dosage from 20mg to 40mg. I don't know if the effects of them are just wearing off but if they are helping it's not by much.
Since everybody is different, there is not going to be one type of AD that will help everybody, so go back to your doctor and tell him/her that the ones he/she prescribed you are really not taking effect. Perhaps he/she can switch you to a different type of AD.
Beyond the initial rush to fix fix fix, reality sinks in and it's part of the reason why the majority of people end up divorcing. They can't stand the depression and resentment, it's the primary thing that makes you lose love for your spouse. This isn't what you went in for.
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Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
