Thanks everyone, It's been a busy morning already. She will not leave me alone. She keeps wanting me to not leave her and she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us. I on the other hand know myself and know I will never be able to look at her the same way. What she did was just pure evil. This morning after I got to work she sent me a text sayin "F-this life, i don't deserve to live" I got really worried because she is at home with my kids so I sent the neighbor over to check up on her but she was fine. Just sitting on the couch crying. I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it. I told her that unlike her sex is something special to me that I don't just give out like candy or use to fill some void in my life. So even after everything she did she doesn't want me doing anything. We were suppose to go out of town for the weekend...the first time in 3 years without the kids...but thats shot and shes upset that I'm not willing to use that time to work things out. I think it is way to soon for something like that.
It is definitely too soon. She needs to feel the pain. She needs to realize that you won't tolerate cheating.
You have a decision to make. Either you leave and move on. Time might bring you back together, maybe not. Or you decide to stay with a bunch of work ahead of you and a bunch of rules in place that will help you heal and trust (no passwords to email/phone, marriage counseling, etc.)
Thanks everyone, It's been a busy morning already. She will not leave me alone. She keeps wanting me to not leave her and she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us. I on the other hand know myself and know I will never be able to look at her the same way. What she did was just pure evil. This morning after I got to work she sent me a text sayin "F-this life, i don't deserve to live" I got really worried because she is at home with my kids so I sent the neighbor over to check up on her but she was fine. Just sitting on the couch crying. I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it. I told her that unlike her sex is something special to me that I don't just give out like candy or use to fill some void in my life. So even after everything she did she doesn't want me doing anything. We were suppose to go out of town for the weekend...the first time in 3 years without the kids...but thats shot and shes upset that I'm not willing to use that time to work things out. I think it is way to soon for something like that.
I was about to warn you about this before even reading your post. Of course, she wants you back. The OM did dump her like a sack of sh1t. He does not want her. So obviously she will want you, the back up guy to be there for her. She wanted him to be friends with you so that she could keep f@cking him?
That is horrible.
Don't make a hasty decision though. Take your time and see if there is anything worth saving in the marriage. See if you can trust her again. See if her words match her actions. Her next affair guy might not be so generous with information.
she has self-esteem issues and boundary issues.
I imagine she has friends that are toxic to your marriage as well.
You already know how bad she lies and makes you feel like you are the crazy person in the relationship.
Normally I would say divorce and move on but you have children and your pretty emotional right now.
Time.
Time is on your side. Take the time to think what you want from your marriage with her. Ask yourself if you feel she can be a good person, wife and mother again.
Do not make any hasty decisions right now until your emotions have calmed down and you can think clearly.
Let her know this is what you need from her. Time to clear your head.
Let her know what boundaries are out in place in your relationship so you can feel safe being with her.
No more nights out at the bar.
No male friends.
No toxic friends that are toxic to your marriage.
You need transparency on all her correspondence and actions starting right now.
If she says no to any of these items you have your answer.
Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. Do not get angry with her. It will only make the home situation worse.
Do not leave you home or children. This could be used against you if you decide to divorce.
Time is on your side now. Use it well.
Remember, her affair is her fault. Problems in the marriage are both of yours to own. Supporting your family by working hard is your responsibility. Her responsibility is to support you as you support the family.
Move out look after yourself and your boys. Make sure she knows that you will not tolerate cheating. Stay gone for at least 3 months.
OH, HELL NO! Under no circumstances do you move out. If there is any moving to be done she'll do it. How old are y'all?
Were you her first?
Interesting that she considers having a guy go down on her is a special treat for the guy.
You need to go to a blog called "Married Man Sex Life" and one called "Chateau Heartiste" and start reading. That's about the fastest way to bring you up to speed on how to try to get the lid back on pandora's box.
OH, HELL NO! Under no circumstances do you move out. If there is any moving to be done she'll do it. How old are y'all?
Were you her first?
Interesting that she considers having a guy go down on her is a special treat for the guy.
You need to go to a blog called "Married Man Sex Life" and one called "Chateau Heartiste" and start reading. That's about the fastest way to bring you up to speed on how to try to get the lid back on pandora's box.
Yes, do NOT leave the house without a lawyer's advice; then YOU are the one who legally abandoned the marriage.
I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it.
This is what she fears most and it's visceral: you find another woman or two and move on and it's a double whammy; not only does it threaten her lifestyle, but you may have kids with the new relationship and that will water down your provision for her kids. All a programmed genetic response.
Don't make hasty decisions when you are emotional. Take care of legal/financial issues so she can't clean you out but, aside from that, just breathe.
If she is willing to never see this guy again, you can demand:
She gives you the passwords to her phone and computer so you can check them to see if she is cheating again.
She writes him a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send.
She willingly hands you her phone whenever you ask for it, if you trigger and need reassurance.
She finds and gets an appointment for a 'marriage-friendly' psychologist for you to go to together to get to the root of what happened.
She tells her parents what she did, with you present, so that, down the road, if she tries to lie to them and blame you, they'll know the truth. (this step also helps her achieve humility, which is VITAL for any cheater to learn from their mistakes and learn not to do it again - no one wants their parents to disapprove of them)
If she refuses to do these things, call her parents and siblings and tell them what she did. Then wait a week to see what happens.
If nothing improves, if she still sees him, go ahead and file for separation. But no matter what you do, do NOT move out of your house! (trust me)
I was about to warn you about this before even reading your post. Of course, she wants you back. The OM did dump her like a sack of sh1t. He does not want her. So obviously she will want you, the back up guy to be there for her. She wanted him to be friends with you so that she could keep f@cking him?
That is horrible.
Don't make a hasty decision though. Take your time and see if there is anything worth saving in the marriage. See if you can trust her again. See if her words match her actions. Her next affair guy might not be so generous with information.
Plus have you come to the realization that your wife was the pursuer here? She was the one going after this guy. She was the one lying to you and telling you you are crazy for suspecting her of cheating. She was the one who offered a variety of sexual activity to him if he would only come over and meet you to calm your fears so they could continue unimpeded.
I think they have had intercourse. I think she left for 15 min. after you attempted to confront her so she could call him and get the stories straight. Remember - cheaters lie - even when confronted with evidence, cheaters will lie to make their actions seem not as bad. By some stupid, twisted, logic they don't think that topless blow jobs and finger f*cking is as bad as intercourse.
I see that the mind movies are going to be a huge problem for you (me too). How can you kiss those lips again without seeing them wrapped around another man's penis in your mind? How can you be with her in a passionate sexual way without seeing her topless (and probably bottomless) climbing all over this guy and him on her? Not many men can get over this.
Take some time to think about what you want. How you feel this has to pay out. Then act.
BTW, she wants to make it work because the OM has decided that he does not want the drama that comes with a cheating married woman with kids. Now she is back to her second choice - you.
I know I will be the only one, but if you keep being suspicious any partner man or girl will eventually think I am not trusted, so why not.
I think taping her and using electronic surveillance to find her phone is the lowest of the low. Trust is an important part of any relationship, you must have very low self esteem to have constantly questioned her. Whatever the ultimate conclusion is you need one to one counselling to overcome you inability to trust.
Otherwise you will be in the same position in the future with another partner.
If you want to save this relationship, you both need individual counselling and joint counselling and start with a clean slate.
First rule: do not negotiate with a cheat, she will try to push you into negotiating with her. Refuse.
She will swing between poor me and it's all your fault
She will try drama to get you to loose your cool so that she isn't the only bad guy
You need to have a var on you anytime you talk with her for the next while. Both to protect you if she claims you do something nasty, and to record what's she says so you can hear her words and tone later on when you are thinking.
As for going away, maybe you should go and tell her you need the time alone to think.
See an attorney ASAP to find out your options. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks everyone, It's been a busy morning already. She will not leave me alone. She keeps wanting me to not leave her and she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us. I on the other hand know myself and know I will never be able to look at her the same way. What she did was just pure evil. This morning after I got to work she sent me a text sayin "F-this life, i don't deserve to live" I got really worried because she is at home with my kids so I sent the neighbor over to check up on her but she was fine. Just sitting on the couch crying. I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it. I told her that unlike her sex is something special to me that I don't just give out like candy or use to fill some void in my life. So even after everything she did she doesn't want me doing anything. We were suppose to go out of town for the weekend...the first time in 3 years without the kids...but thats shot and shes upset that I'm not willing to use that time to work things out. I think it is way to soon for something like that.
Dude, she is action packed with issues! Don't play the game. It's good you're standing your ground. Don't give in, too many of us do or did (me included).
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Originally Posted by TDSC60
Plus have you come to the realization that your wife was the pursuer here? She was the one going after this guy. She was the one lying to you and telling you you are crazy for suspecting her of cheating. She was the one who offered a variety of sexual activity to him if he would only come over and meet you to calm your fears so they could continue unimpeded.
This is just sinister. I read that too and just couldn't beleive that she did this. What a horrible human being. An oxygen theif!
Quote:
I see that the mind movies are going to be a huge problem for you (me too). How can you kiss those lips again without seeing them wrapped around another man's penis in your mind? How can you be with her in a passionate sexual way without seeing her topless (and probably bottomless) climbing all over this guy and him on her? Not many men can get over this.
I'll concur, most men that I know, and sadly there are a number of us in my little clique, can't. Years on, even after they've entered a new relationship, they still stuggle with what their ex's did. Still have flashbacks, if you will. It's mind blowing how bad this kid of stuff will f*ck with you. And if you have an over active imagination (like I unfortunately do) it'll sometimes just freeze you in your tracks with painful visions. I've said it before, if they could weaponize the pain that this causes, it'd be better than any WMD in the world.
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Now she is back to her second choice - you.
No man deserves this from his wife. No man. You should always be number one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
First rule: do not negotiate with a cheat, she will try to push you into negotiating with her. Refuse.
I know I will be the only one, but if you keep being suspicious any partner man or girl will eventually think I am not trusted, so why not.
I think taping her and using electronic surveillance to find her phone is the lowest of the low. Trust is an important part of any relationship, you must have very low self esteem to have constantly questioned her. Whatever the ultimate conclusion is you need one to one counselling to overcome you inability to trust.
Otherwise you will be in the same position in the future with another partner.
If you want to save this relationship, you both need individual counselling and joint counselling and start with a clean slate.
Apparently you didn't read the whole story...the sexual acts between them happened before I even suggested anything was going on...2 weeks after to be exact. So she had already done the acts and hid them before I even became suspicious. Then she made me out to be the bad guy for wanting her to cut off contact with this "friend" because I had nothing to worry about because she knows where her heart is and she would never do anything to hurt me I'm 1000000 years. Get you facts straight before you decide to call someone insecure and needs counseling.
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Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
