I know I will be the only one, but if you keep being suspicious any partner man or girl will eventually think I am not trusted, so why not.
I think taping her and using electronic surveillance to find her phone is the lowest of the low. Trust is an important part of any relationship, you must have very low self esteem to have constantly questioned her. Whatever the ultimate conclusion is you need one to one counselling to overcome you inability to trust.
Otherwise you will be in the same position in the future with another partner.
If you want to save this relationship, you both need individual counselling and joint counselling and start with a clean slate.
So looking after your spouse is lower than betrayal? Huh?
Marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by-product. Trust is earned. Blind trust is lazy and naive. And a bit of ambivalence for sure. But you did nto bother to actually read this thread or you would have seen there was reason to look further.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Hey Mart.-----It's like this---your children's mother, doesn't get a say in what happens, how it happens, or anything else.
You lay down the law, you tell her how things will be, and if she doesn't like it---toooo F"ing bad.
If you wanna R, with your children's mother-----you set the boundaries, you give her ACTIONABLE consequences, NOT WORDS---You make her sign a POST--NUP.---she goes completely transparent----she comes home immediately from class or work, or whereever she is---she becomes a mother and wife----and if you say jump---HER ANSWER IS HOW HIGH.
No vacations, no good times, just proper wife and mother activities---no mar bar, no more drinking, no more out with ANY KIND OF FRIENDS!!!!!
She MUST be accountable, show remorse, be contrite, and be transparent---and do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING TO GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY
You do not be mr. nice--guy---and there is no lovey--dovey for now
I know it is hard for you---to look at her, to even wanna talk to her, and to wanna touch her---knowing she has allowed some other man/men---to have her, and her body----If you can't get by this---there probably won't be much of a mge---cuz there has to be talk, touch, and you wanting to look at and love your wife---and she has destroyed all of that
You MUST do what you need to do for YOU---not the kids, not the finances, not the relatives, and most certainly not for her---you do what is best for YOU.-----The mge., you now have is dead---whether a new one arises, from the ashes of the old, is strictly UP TO YOU.
I guess charlie boy and camile was'nt cheating, or diana and the guard captian But we on this side of the pond saved Europe including the lil island. Sorry about the thread jack Marti, but A##es does'nt sit well with me, even if I am one.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
The OM just told you that he was not the only one having sex with your wife. Have you found out who the others were?
I don't know where you got that from but as far as I know...this was the only guy.
It's been a rough couple of days. I have been trying to keep my distance and not talk to her. Yesterday we had a doctors appointment together that we set up a few weeks ago. We have the same doctor but she agreeded to see us seperatly. The doctor saw me first and asked how I was doing on the 20mg of antidepressants she perscribed me 3 weeks ago. I told her I was starting to feel better and the horrible thoughts I was having started to go away but then the thoughts I was having turned out to be true. She was shocked and I told her that I felt I only started the medication because I didn't like feeling that I was making something out of nothing and it wasn't fare to my wife. I also asked if I should stop taking it because I felt I didn't need to mask things anymore. She told me that stopping now would probably be the worst thing to do and she actually upped my dosage to 40mg. She then went to see my wife and after my wife was done we went back home and she was crying and told me that the doctor recommended that she check herself into a hospital for treatment because of some thoughts she was having. She also perscribed her abilify to control her mood. So now she is on antidepresants, abilify and needs to be checked into a hospital and shes has my kids while im at work.
Today we had some time to talk and she told me that she has felt neglected by me for years and they way she delt with it was completely wrong. I admit that I have not always been the most romantic person for her but I thought I did what I could to show her how much I loved her. For a period after my first sone was born we were not having sex...for months. I got into a bad habit of looking at porn and she found out. She brought that up today and said it hurt just as much as how she hurt me, but she didn't leave and she tried to make things work. There was also one time during a heated arguement a year or so ago that I told her that I would rather work in the garage than spend time with her. I only said that because i'm an active person. I don't watch much TV or sit around. I have very bad ADHD that doesn't allow me to focus on something I don't find interesting. All she ever wanted to do was sit and watch movies or TV. She always complained that I was in the garage too much but when I did spend time with her we didn't really have much to talk about or she was more interested in playing and texting on her phone. Here idea of quality time with me for a whole week was playing draw someting with me while we layed in bed.
She also said that she only noticed me finally becoming the husband she wanted after I started suspecting things were going on because I was around her more. I was only around her more because I wanted to make sure she wasn't talking to this guy all the time and if they did talk I wanted to know what they were talking about because I knew there was more going on than she was telling me.
I told her that she didnt have to stay with me if I was such a terrible husband. I tried to do the best I could for us but apparently it wasn't enough.
I'm going on this trip with her this weekend but only so we can talk, fight or whatever with no one else around because I cant do this in front of my kids anymore.
Did I bring this apon myself...was my neglect the reason she found herself craving the attention of another man? She told me that he would compliment her all the time and talked to her when she was lonely but then she said that the guy didn't tell me all the dirty things he would say to her because he wanted to come out looking like the good guy. I told her that she should have broke off contact with this guy as soon as anything like that started. Not continue it and allow it to go where it did. This guy may have been complimenting my wife and showing her a lot of attention but why do you think that was...not because he loved her but because he was trying to get in her pants...and it worked.
Have you read His Needs Her Needs? It's an excellent encapsulation of how marriages should work. You two should read it together this weekend; I have a feeling it might help you two decide to work on the marriage together.
Did you bring it on yourself? Well, yeah, just like every OTHER husband in the world - and every WIFE for that matter - who goes into a marriage not realizing that it takes WORK, for LIFE. You don't just marry someone and those PEA chemicals keep floating around and make your life rosy. Life gets in the way and you take each other for granted. One of you gets upset about something, says something hurtful to the other, that one decides to not share because look at what happens, and now you're on the slippery slope down to NO communication, protecting yourself from your SPOUSE, and making choices to benefit YOU, not your marriage.
Did you do it? Yeah, but so did she. We all do. It's called human nature.
As for the complimenting, please read that book. Learn about Love Busters (how you hurt each other) and Emotional Needs (how you should do what makes your spouse feel loved). You'll see that one of her top ENs was probably admiration, and while you were taking her for granted, she found that EN being met by OM.
So...assuming you can get the affair stopped for good, she's in for fixing the marriage and giving you transparency, you can FIX this. Read the book, and while you're there this weekend, also fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires to get a better handle on what each of you wants in this marriage. That knowledge will help you BOTH become better spouses, and happy again.
You can get the questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com but avoid their forums like the plague; trust me, you do NOT want to go there with a WW.
M-
You made a comment on your thread when you confronted OM, and then you told us that the OM said " there were others involved".
Just to let you know that me and many others have heard the exact same thing from our wayward spouses. But at the end of the day its our wifes that have the validation issues and the lack of boundries that cause them to pay there dues for the attension they get from OM, and that due is sleeping with thier OM.
See the attention they get from OM will disappear, so they pay the due and take it to the next level. Do not blame your self for her adultory.....make no mistake you have your part for the unhealthy marriage, but you having nothing to do for your WW lack of boundries and validation issues.
For a period after my first sone was born we were not having sex...for months. I got into a bad habit of looking at porn and she found out. She brought that up today and said it hurt just as much as how she hurt me, but she didn't leave and she tried to make things work.
I call BS on this.
Looking at porn is not equivalent to cheating. Now if you had cheated on her, it would hurt as bad as cheating. But you didn't, she did. She has to own that. She's trying to manipulate you into thinking you're as bad as she is, don't fall for it.
I feel your pain. We seem to be in similar shoes right now. My WW hasn't dealt with her issues and as far as I know just swept everything under the rug. I was lied to, gaslighted, etc until I said enough is enough.
Work on yourself so you can be strong for the people (kids and you) who matter the most. Stick with your plan and don't waiver.
I'm going on this trip with her this weekend but only so we can talk, fight or whatever with no one else around because I cant do this in front of my kids anymore.
That is awarding her for her affair, can't you see this?
If you want to fix your marriage you have to let your wife hit rock bottom. If you lend her a hand each time she slips, you're in for a life full of problems. Let her face and suffer the consequences of her affair.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
You may have made alot of mistakes that contributed to the state of the marriage, but the choice to engage in an affair with the other man was totally her idea and choice...not yours.
Before you can reconcile, two things must happen:
1) Your wife must sever all ties with the OM and you must verify she has. Some TAM posters recommend having her write a "No Contact" letter or e-mail to him and sending it to him while you watch.
2) She must fully disclose all the information about the affair and stop trickle-truthing (TT) you. This only strings out the pain and causes problems down the road if you discover her treachery was worse than what she says it was.
First off, do not accept blame for her affair.
Her wayward mind, in order to shield itself from the guilt and shame for committing such a heinous act upon you and the marriage, is literally rewriting the history of your marriage. She actually believes you were a neglectful husband, although you were probably no worse than 75% of the husbands out there.
Second, when you are on your trip this weekend, do not argue with her. If she tries to goad you into a fight, quietly tell her you are not arguing and walk away. Wait a half hour or so and go back and see if she has calmed down. If she is calm, sit her down and tell her that she has ten minutes to tell you everything, EVERYTHING, about the affair: how they met, how many times it went physical, if other people were involved, and that you will do everything you can to verify the truthfulness of what she is saying. So she might as well come completely clean. If she refuses to do so, then tell her you will assume the truth is far worse than what she has given you, that you will not tolerate lying and obfuscating, and you will move on to divorce.
You said the OM mentioned there were others involved? You need to know the extent of this also. Tell her if she does not give you full disclosure, the deal is off and you will seek divorce immediately.
Say all of this to her in a quiet, unemotional, even tone. Do not lose your temper.
252Likes
Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
